Hienama (14 page)

‘Why’s that?’

‘All this stupid mess. It’s
such a waste of time and energy. I don’t know who’s worse; me or
him. Ysobi comes over as all über-har, but he was the one who
wanted the harling. He was into the chesna fantasy more, I’m sure.
I can’t believe I fell for it. I can’t believe I fell for him. I
had a crush on my teacher. It was pitiable.’

‘Much as I enjoy hearing this,
you don’t mean it,’ Zehn said. ‘It’s just your anger talking.’

‘We shouldn’t be like this,
Zehn,’ I said. ‘It didn’t work for humans and it won’t work for us.
We should just have roon friends and get on with life, not get
screwed up with emotions and so on. I’ve learned my lesson.’

‘I tried living like that,’
Zehn said. ‘Unfortunately, I was the only har I knew who felt it
was a valid way of life.’

‘Well, maybe I was wrong to
criticise you. Fahn fell for you like I fell for Ysobi, like
starry-eyed human teenagers. We should be ashamed of ourselves. I
know you love me, Zehn, but you don’t behave like I did, or Fahn,
or even Ysobi. You’re so…
measured.
’

‘It’s supposed to be me saying
things to make
you
feel better,’ Zehn said. ‘Do shut up,
Jass.’

‘You see?’ I gestured
expansively. ‘That’s exactly what I mean.’

Zehn took my hands in his own
over the table top. ‘Hey… rant all you like. But think about what
you’re going to do.’

I squeezed his fingers. ‘Do? I
suppose the obvious answer is to go home after a few days, carry on
with my job, bring up Zeph, see what life brings. I have a harling
now, for the Ag’s sake: a child! How the hell did I fall into this?
I won’t run, Zehn. But I’m bruised. I’m bruised really badly. I let
him
into me
.’

‘We’ll help you,’ Zehn said.
‘All of us.’

‘I know you will.’ There was a
silence. ‘Shall we go for a walk? Show me around. Let’s see if we
can spot the little shit’s relatives.’

We walked out to the old
lighthouse, now dim, that stood on the headland above the harbour.
Here, Zehn took me in his arms and we shared breath. It was a
friendly, non-demanding thing. I realised he was like a brother to
me, but also more than that. He was not Ysobi, though. We sat on
the bare rocks that were little islands in the scrub of coarse
grass, and watched the sun go down. The tide was still going out,
which was fortunate; otherwise we might have been stranded.

‘It feels so ancient here,’ I
said. ‘It’s almost as if the land hasn’t yet realised that things
have changed, that we’re here.’

Zehn lay back beside me, and
stretched languorously. The image of his beauty was not lost on me.
‘Things have changed a lot in just a few years,’ he said. ‘I think
that if we went far beyond the phylarchy, most of what we knew in
the old world would have gone.’

I nodded, hugging my knees. ‘Do
you ever wonder what happened to the human androgynes?’

Zehn pulled a quizzical face at
me. ‘What?’

‘Well, the humans who were like
us anyway, more or less. The ones that people called freaks, only
they probably weren’t at all. It wasn’t uncommon, Zehn. Maybe they
were precursors to us, dreams in the DNA. Were any of them
incepted, do you think? I wonder about them, that’s all.’

Zehn put his arms behind his
head. ‘I expect they’re dancing on humanity’s grave.’

‘I hope so. The world was a bad
place, a very bad place. I want it to be better now, and it has to
start with the individual, doesn’t it?’

He smiled at me. ‘I like the
way you sound strong now.’

I leaned back on straight arms,
face raised to the sky. ‘I feel good, surprisingly. I feel washed
clean. I feel like I’m about to make a breakthrough.’

Zehn reached up and took a lock
of my hair in his fingers, held it to his nose. I could feel his
breath in every strand. We were magical creatures.

‘Zehn,’ I said. I lay down
beside him and we shared breath again. He was so cautious, wanting
me desperately yet having to battle with a sensible part of his
mind that was shouting ‘No!’

Eventually, he drew away from
me. ‘Let’s go to a fish restaurant. The Shadowvales is renowned for
them. Let’s dine like kings and then go to bed. If you wish, I can
attempt to take you to realms undreamed of, or we can just sleep.
Your choice.’

I laughed. ‘Let’s just start
with the food.’

We drank a lot of the local ale
with the meal, which had the effect of loosening my tongue. I told
Zehn my suspicions that Gesaril might have tried to attack me
psychically. I also told him about my majhahn with Sinnar. ‘He
thought the same,’ I said. ‘I wasn’t imagining it. I know you don’t
want justifications for He Who Must Not Be Named At The Moment, but
I wonder whether the little shit’s been screwing with our minds
magically.’

Zehn rolled his eyes. ‘Oh, come
off it, Jass. He’s hardly more than a harling. How could he have
such power? Even if he could affect you, which I doubt, there’s no
way he could affect His Eminence, the Fuckwit.’

‘I want to believe that,’ I
said. ‘I really do, but the emotions of the young can be very
intense. Maybe that’s enough of a battery to provide the
power.’

Zehn considered my words,
ducked his head. ‘There is that, I suppose.’ He grinned. ‘Then
fight fire with fire. Smite the little shit!’

I was silent for a moment.
‘Would you do majhahn with me?’

He watched me carefully and did
not smile. ‘No,’ he said. ‘I was joking.’

‘No you weren’t. Just for a
moment, you weren’t.’

Zehn took my hands. ‘I don’t
think you should do anything like that. If Fuckwit wants the little
shit, I think you should let them have each other. Be bigger than
that, Jass.’ He squeezed my fingers. ‘Please.’

I sighed through my nose,
dropped my head. ‘OK.’

We left the restaurant and walked out
into the spicy cold of a Shadowvales spring night. We walked beyond
the harbour and listened to the clean white waves smashing against
the ancient rocks. We held hands, and I was filled with a wistful
kind of melancholy. The sea went on forever. It was the most
beautiful thing; primal and powerful.

Around midnight, we ambled back
to our inn room. Zehn bought a flagon of heather wine from the bar,
which was just closing. When we’d arrived, we’d taken only one
room, because despite nothing being said, we’d both taken it for
granted we would not sleep separately that night. Like Zehn, I was
in two minds, but the combination of grief, ale, wine and the
simple need for aruna shouldered aside all sensible caution. We sat
in the dark, drinking the wine and talking amiably the unfettered
gibberish of the drunken. The innkeepers had thoughtfully lit a
fire in our room, so the darkness was tinged with warm hues.

At one point, Zehn took my wine
cup off me and pressed me back on the bed to share breath. His
mouth was warm and relaxed and smelled of wine. He put a hand
inside my shirt. It occurred to me then that I hadn’t been soume
since Zeph’s pearl had dropped. Letting Zehn be the first seemed a
significant act, something that properly belonged to Ysobi. He
wanted to be ouana anyway, no doubt because of what had happened
between us before, so the issue wasn’t discussed. I took his hand
and guided him to the place where he’d realise I was eager for him.
He uttered a soft gasp in pleasure, caressed me. Zehn didn’t give a
damn about sikras or focused aruna. He wanted to take my mind and
body on a wild intoxicating ride, that’s all. We virtually ripped
off each other’s clothes and I pulled him onto me. When he pushed
inside me, it hurt a bit, as if I was new from inception. It was as
if my soume-lam had remade itself to be new. I kept saying his name
aloud until he put his mouth over my own. Then I kept saying it in
my mind, like a shout.

We spent several days indulging our
senses, which meant we rose from our bed only to go out and sample
the different restaurants in the town. The bed made a hideous
racket – creaks, groans, squeaks and a mystifying clanking sound –
whenever we took aruna in it, which led our kindly hosts to make
gentle jokes whenever we appeared, bedraggled and languorous, for
our brief periods of refuelling. They must have thought we were
celebrating a recent chesna bond majhahn or something, because once
while we were out they put red flowers in our room and another time
left us a sachet of herbal cream that could be used to heighten
pleasure.

I wanted aruna to grant me
oblivion, to make me not care, and in some ways it did that. But on
the third night, I felt restless. Zehn was asleep beside me, while
I sat up in the bed, not in the least bit tired. I mulled over
recent events, like picking at the edges of a healing wound. I
imagined that Ysobi was with Gesaril now and their cries of release
winged round my mind like mad birds. I wanted to appear at their
bedside and stab them both to death. Of course, I’d been drinking
that night, and I hope that was largely what impelled me to creep
from the bed and pull on my clothes.

I went down to the sea and
stood upon the sand. The air was bitterly cold, but the night was
clear and a waning moon hung heavy in the sky, not long past full.
The waves seemed alive like elemental beasts, prancing upon the
shore. The tide was slowly creeping back to the land, devouring all
in its path. Without really thinking about what I was doing, I
created an etheric Nayati in my head and marked its boundaries. I
raised my arms, and with my hair whipping around my face, I yelled
into the wind, calling upon Aruhani. I visualised him hanging
before me, his face expressionless, although I knew he was
listening. ‘Avenge me,’ I said. ‘You are the divine hostling of my
son, as I am the earthly hostling. Protect us and remove all evil
influence from our lives. Let those who have stood against me
receive all due reward. Let it be quick, Devourer, let it be
direct.’

I collapsed onto my knees in
the sand, my hair hanging around me like a ripped shawl. It was
done.

Zehn and I rode back to Jesith
in the early morning, a ground mist hugging our horses’ feet. He
hadn’t known I’d left our room last night, and I didn’t tell him.
All I’d said to him when we awoke was, ‘We have to go back to
Jesith now, Zehn.’

On the journey home, Zehn
didn’t say much, and I sensed he felt sad our short escape was
over. I wasn’t sure what I felt; it was a complex mix. On the one
hand, I was uncomfortable with the thought of having to deal with
things – not least the fact I’d abandoned Zeph for three days and
had been absent from my work. I was troubled about what I’d done on
the beach the previous night; in daylight it seemed unwise at best.
The thought of Ysobi was another matter. If I thought of his face,
a thrill went through me that was part anger, part longing. I
wanted to speak to him and yet also to give him the full force of
my disdain. I had reached a nexus point. How I dealt with this
personal situation would set the course of my life as a har.
Aruhani would know I’d acted from pain; there would be no smiting.
I must strive not to repeat outdated human patterns. I must rise
above the situation and look down on it objectively.

At the outskirts of Jesith,
Zehn pulled his mount to a halt. ‘I’m going to leave you here,’ he
said. ‘I’ll go and report at the forest waypoint, and hope I don’t
get too much of a beating for skiving off.’

‘Thanks, Zehn,’ I said. I
leaned over to kiss him, perhaps thinking we could share breath for
a last time, but he guided his horse away.

‘No, Jass. I’ll see you later.’
He kicked the animal and it cantered off towards the trees.

For some moments, I just stayed
where I was. I had a feeling I was going to have to face trouble of
several sorts.

First, I went to Fahn’s, who was at
home. I thought this was probably because he’d been landed with a
harling to care for. He seemed relieved to see me, but there was an
edge to his voice. ‘Where have you been? A lot of hara thought you
and Zehn had run off together, but then…’ he shrugged, ‘… I was
going to say I didn’t think you’d just leave Zeph behind, but I’m
not even sure I’m right about that.’

‘How’s he been?’ I asked. ‘I’m
sorry, Fahn, and I’m grateful for what you’ve done. I just needed
time to think.’

‘
Think
?’ Fahn gave me a
sour glance, which reminded me of the feelings he’d once had for
Zehn.

‘Yes. Think. I’ll take Zeph off
your hands now. Is he angry with me?’

‘Confused, really. He sensed
something going on, without really understanding it. He kept saying
you’d be back. He had more faith than most of us.’

‘Where is he?’

Fahn looked troubled. ‘You
can’t take him, Jass, because Ysobi came for him two days ago.’

‘What? And you just handed him
over?’

‘He
is
Zeph’s father.
How could I refuse?’

I sighed deeply. ‘What did he
say?’

‘Nothing much. He was looking
for Zeph, maybe for you too. I had to say the harling was here and
he just took him.’ Fahn drew a breath. ‘Jass, this is a small
community and we’re all supposed to work together. Sinnar isn’t
pleased about this situation, not any of it. I think you should go
and see him right away.’

I rode fast to the vineyard,
with a hideous spiralling feeling inside me as if everything was
way beyond my control. Hara in the yard, who were loading an order
onto a cart, gave me a guarded greeting. One of them said,
‘Sinnar’s in his office.’

I went there directly.

Sinnar is typically a laid back
individual, who is hard to ruffle. He wasn’t ruffled that day
either, but he didn’t greet me with his usual open smile. He looked
tense; there was a line between his brows. ‘I’m glad you’ve decided
to return,’ he said brusquely.

‘I’m really sorry,’ I said.

‘Good. Sit down.’

I did so, feeling utterly
chastised.