Hindsight (2 page)

She blushed, embarrassed to think of him studying her that closely. ‘I was only exercising.’

‘Oh, please tell me you weren’t
running
?’

She shrugged, knowing there was no point in denying it. ‘You know how much I hate bridges, Ben. The faster I’m over the other side …’

‘Mira,
please
! You shouldn’t be running in your condition.’

‘Are you kidding?’ She spun to face him, ensuring he could read the rest of her feelings from her expression without needing to raise her voice. ‘After ten years of being strapped in a wheelchair to go anywhere? I love to run, Ben. I can’t help it! Give me a straight path with no obstacles and I’m off, blind or not! It’s practically reflex.’

‘But to the mainland
alone
? Why risk it, today of all days — and over a bridge to a cove that only gives you the creeps anyway? It’s too dangerous.’

Mira chewed on her tongue, knowing now was definitely a bad time to mention the dead body. ‘It seemed safe enough from the other side.’

‘What if the wrong people recognise you out here?’ His voice returned to a whisper. ‘… Behaving like you’re not properly blind?’

‘I’m sorry, okay? I had to get away.’ She took a last look at the beach where the woman’s glazed eyes still stared at the underbelly of that irreverent seagull, then she spun on her heel for the car park. To Mira, all of the spaces for vehicles looked empty, even though she knew Ben’s old crimson Camaro had to be parked there, somewhere close by on her right where she’d heard it bump against the kerb.

‘Wait,’ he said, catching hold of her skirt. ‘There’s still something you’re not telling me.’

‘Nothing that can’t wait.’ She tugged free, wishing she knew how to express how much she really appreciated him, even if they did have a long rough road still ahead of them. ‘Come on.’ She made a clumsy grab for his shirt sleeve, hoping he could tell it was done with affection as she tugged him to follow. ‘We can’t be late today.’

‘Hang on!’ He swung her around him, effectively blocking her path. ‘You’re out here this early for a reason, Mira — far more than the obvious. Why risk coming all the way out here when you knew you had to be back in time for breakfast? The walk each way must take the best part of an hour?’

‘I knew you’d give me a lift.’ She pushed and stumbled around him. ‘Which space is your car parked?’

‘Nearest, nose in … But you couldn’t have known I’d come so early.’

‘I know
you
.’ She reached to find the car and fumbled along it until she found the passenger door, then realised she hadn’t heard him move to follow yet. ‘Aren’t you as keen as me to get away from here, Ben?’

‘I left the engine running, didn’t I?’ Yet he kept his distance. ‘I know you too, Mira. Listen, I may not be employed over there any more, but I can still tell when something big is eating you.’

‘Quit worrying!’ She tried not to sound too frustrated. He’d only lost his job because another spiteful inmate had made false accusations against him, and she knew that it would never have happened if Ben hadn’t spent so much time with Mira. ‘I just needed to get out. I was going crazy back there.’

‘At Serenity?’ He chuckled. ‘That hardly seems likely.’

‘It’s a nuthouse, Ben! The patients are all … oh.’ She deflated, recognising his sense of humour too late. ‘You’re being sarcastic.’

‘More like ironic. You’re the only sane person they’ve ever had, and that’s counting half of the staff. Listen,’ he added more seriously. ‘Of course I can guess how anxious you’d be to get away this morning. I felt the same way on my last day in gaol. After six years, I was climbing the walls by mid-afternoon —’

‘Mid-afternoon?’ She bit her lip, stopping herself from saying anything that might sound ungrateful. She knew his six years behind bars must have been far worse than any of her ten in orphanages or institutions. He’d been completely innocent the whole time — his career as a social worker shot down overnight. Convicted for armed robbery and second degree murder, he’d never be allowed to work with handicapped children ever again. On the other hand, Mira wasn’t a child any more and she’d earned every bit of her infamy by fighting the system and anyone who’d come within striking distance. Looking back now, she could see how crazy she must have seemed. As far as any of her tests ever showed, she shouldn’t have been able to see
anything.
‘Surely it won’t take us that long today? This isn’t gaol, Ben. Just a health sanctuary. Not even a proper asylum, according to the latest brochures.’

‘It’s still a
high security
health sanctuary. To be honest, I have no idea how long this could take. Matron Sanchez told me five minutes tops, but you being you, and me being an ex-con, gaining your guardianship should have been impossible. A long shot at best — months or years, depending on how soon I can prove my innocence and clear my name. And yet here we are, booked for our final interview with her for first thing after breakfast, thanks to the little loophole she found for us. There’s still bound to be
some
last-minute paperwork, or else we should expect it soon after from higher up the chain.’

‘But we’ve already jumped through all the hoops she gave us, haven’t we? And Matron Sanchez is still technically my co-guardian for the next six months.’ As far as Mira could guess, that was the only way it could work for now, with Ben as an authorised escort and Matron Sanchez remaining her official guardian. Legally, the matron had sufficient discretionary powers to hire staff and authorise her escorts, regardless of any criminal history as long as the crimes weren’t against children.

‘So far as I know.’ He paced away and back again, his stride betraying that he had doubts. ‘Listen, I know how you value the truth, Mira, but it’s not like we can tell a review committee about that little talent of yours. That part has to remain a secret, so we’ll need the extra time this morning to get our stories straight. Over breakfast, I hope?’

Mira shook her head and trembled, and not just at the thought of lying to a review committee about why she was so suddenly fit to resume a limited role in society. ‘I can’t stomach another bite from that place. I mean, as nice as it’s supposed to be now after all the renovations, it’s still been tough for me to take — especially these past ten days while you’ve been away in hospital. So when I leave, I want to start my life afresh, not with a stomach that’s still digesting part of it.’

‘Hey, sure. I get that too. I couldn’t stomach any food either before leaving the clink, but we don’t have to eat. We can catch brunch later at a seaside café?’

She tried to smile but couldn’t. ‘Sounds nice but dog dishes in the dirt would do me, so long as I’m off my chain. Every minute outside is another sixty seconds of freedom.’

‘I hear that too, but …’ He paced away and back again. ‘Look, there’s no gentle way to say this, Mira; you’ll keep counting your freedom in seconds if the wrong people ever catch you out and about on the mainland alone — and running is as good as advertising. You need to act blind properly and look harmless out here as if you’re no further use to them.’

‘I don’t have to
act
blind, especially at this hour.’ She pointed to the ten-day-old sunrise and noticed clouds forming as the fog rose into rain, while the warmth from the real sun, although invisible, continued to dry the mist from her face. ‘The benefits outweighed the risks. Besides, what good is earning a platinum pass to leave without a guard if I can’t use it? Today is my last chance — and if Matron Sanchez didn’t want me to cross the bridge, she would have said so specifically.’

‘She probably expected your fear of heights to be barrier enough; not to mention the bridge itself.’

‘Ha! That never would have stopped me a month ago.’

‘A month ago you were a sociopath and officially a danger to yourself as much as anyone who got in your way.’

‘Oh, charming. Thanks so much for reminding me. The past decade somehow slipped my mind completely.’

‘Don’t be like that. I don’t want to fight, especially today.’

‘Me neither but please stop nagging me!’

‘I’m
not
…’ He cut himself off, and sighed heavily. ‘I’m just asking you to be more careful. You’re not the only one who can get hurt now because of your actions, even if it’s no longer you who’s doing the hurting.’

She cringed, stung by another pang of guilt. It seemed every time he’d accompanied her to the mainland, she’d attracted trouble and he’d always borne the brunt. Left for dead the last time. She’d witnessed a murder — a rogue army colonel in a dark alley with a military cop who’d asked one too many questions about stolen technology — and just her luck to be describing it to Ben and two other military cops just as the killer returned to the scene. Yet fleeing to Ben’s beach house on North Stradbroke Island had only served the killer with a more intimate setting to catch up with them.

Mira touched her lips, remembering that one final moment with Ben — her first kiss so magical in his arms until the colonel’s bullet thumped more than just the wind out of him. Re-living it over and over in her mind for the last ten days, it seemed increasingly likely that Ben might never feel comfortable getting that close to her again; more likely that he’d try to stop himself. Much safer for him that way too, she reminded herself.

‘Sorry, I forgot to ask … How’s your shoulder?’ She bit her lip, fearing the answer. The exit wound in his chest had been half the size of her fist, even though the trajectory through from his back had been relatively clean of any fragmentation or percussion damage.

‘I wasn’t fishing for sympathy,’ he replied flatly.

‘You can still answer me. You’re not the only one with a right to be worried.’ The high-powered round had pierced between his left lung and clavicle, miraculously missing all bones, organs and major arteries, but concussion from hitting the deck had caused him to lose consciousness for three days — and she hadn’t been able to visit him in hospital without her own guard and the scornful supervision of the other woman in his life. ‘Did they release you last night or this morning?’

‘Oh, no you don’t. No changing the subject. It’s your welfare that counts most today, young lady.’ Again he closed the distance between them, and again he stopped short of touching her. This time she felt him stroke the air slowly down the length of her arm, and her body responded with a ripple of goosebumps.

‘Mira, if you have a problem, you can tell me.’

‘Actually, I think you’ve nailed it already; must be last-day jitters.’ She meshed her fingers to prevent them from shaking. ‘I couldn’t sleep a wink last night, but thanks to you, “institutionalised” is a monster word that’ll no longer apply to me.’

‘Which earns me a
small
smile at least?’

She obliged as best as she could manage, turning just enough to let him see her face over her shoulder.

‘Is that the best you can do?’ He sounded hurt. ‘I thought I’d need a backhoe to shift your grin today. Seems I’ll need one to drag out a smile in the first place … There has to be a reason, surely?’

‘If there is, I can’t explain it.’ She wished she could. She stared across the bridge to Serenity, the last in a decade-long line of orphanages, asylums and secure ‘health sanctuaries’. The best of a bad bunch, but still a place which limited her freedom. ‘I thought I’d feel better over here … Instead I feel edgier.’

‘Grass always looks greener from the other side.’ He sighed, and paced away a few steps. ‘I suspect we’ll both feel on edge for a while. What we need is a change of pace.’

‘Oh, absolutely! And much more adventure! We could travel, maybe?’

‘Actually, I’m planning on something more sedate.’

‘After ten days staring at hospital walls?’ She could hardly believe it. ‘I’m not hoping for much; just a few trips to explore a city? Any city. A shopping mall would do; somewhere I could buy my own clothes for once.’

‘Trust me, busy malls and shopping crowds are the last things we need. I still jump every time my own car backfires.’

‘Then we could go natural, with caves and bushwalking through mountains and national forest, maybe? How more sedate can you get than singing songs at night around a campfire?’

He laughed, making her feel foolish. ‘You’re an expert at dodging the subject.’

‘And you’re an expert at digging up my problems.’ She pouted, knowing he wouldn’t stop needling her with questions until he got what he wanted, even when she was unaware if she still had anything festering under the surface. The only thing that made it easier for her was how much he cared for her, and trusting that he only did it to help her. If only she trusted herself enough to release her darkness in bites small enough not to hurt him.

‘Quit fighting me, Mira. Quit fighting yourself. Was it something you saw? Or something you’d like to?’

‘Beats me, honestly! I have a knack for seeing bad things everywhere, so maybe it’s something I
still
see.’ She wrung her hands, wishing she didn’t have to sound crazy to explain it any more than that. ‘Do we really have time for this now?’

‘I won’t know that until you give me the summary.’

She glanced over her shoulder to the beach, but the ticking clock and ghostly purple haze made the dead body seem even more surreal and threatening.

‘I wish you could see for yourself, Ben. It’s like a silent movie — and my luck, not a comedy.’

‘Okay, longer summary. There’s still plenty of time to get you back by car …’ although she noticed he still left the engine running. ‘Tell me everything you see.’

Mira forced a small smile for him. ‘Do you feel crazy, asking a blind girl what she can see?’

‘Actually, in your case, I’m more worried if someone is listening.’

She shivered, preferring not to think about
him
. Of all the other residents at Serenity, ‘the listener’ was the only one she’d come to fear. He hadn’t left the isle in sixty years, hadn’t said a word to anyone for the first fifty, allegedly, and yet all the wrong people seemed inextricably linked to him. And he often seemed so poisonously jealous of her, or spiteful, depending on which of his seven personalities had surfaced that day.