His Contract: Legally Bound, Book 1 (25 page)

“That’s good. That’s what I hoped it would do.”

She gave him a shy smile. “And what I want is…you.”

Jack tensed. “What do you mean, me?”

“I mean, I want to be with you. I don’t want to have to hide, or keep this in the dark anymore.”

Shit.

Jack took a breath. Counted to ten. “Lilly, I told you I needed to keep this part of my life private.”

“Not the BDSM part. I don’t want to follow you around campus with a leash on or anything. Well, I’d love it if you’d collar me, but that could be something we’d keep between us, so that you’d know I’m yours and I’d know you’re mine. I’m talking about the regular stuff. A real relationship, Jack. That’s what I want.”

She had that look in her eyes, the one that was so wide and hopeful.

He hated knowing he was about to destroy it.

“We can’t do that, Lilly.”

The color drained from her face. “Why not?”

“Because it wouldn’t work. You know that.”

“I don’t know that.”

“Yes, you do. I know how important your family’s approval is. Your friends too. They wouldn’t understand.”

“Cassie knows.”

Her admission sliced a hole in the air between them. Jack fought to keep calm.

“You told her?”

“It wasn’t on purpose. It was to stop her from making me talk to guys at Patrick’s party.” Lilly lifted her chin. “Besides, can you look me in the eye and say that you’ve never kept anything from me? That you’ve been honest about everything?”

He should’ve taken her over his knee for the way she was speaking to him, but he couldn’t. Not when she was right.

“Patrick knows too.”

Lilly’s jaw dropped. “He does? What did he think?”

“It’s Patrick,” he said with a shrug. “Nothing involving sex surprises him.”

“When did you tell him?”

Jack stood and walked around the kitchen, needing to put some space between them. “When I first kissed you. I thought I’d made a huge mistake. That I was going to fuck up your life. Patrick convinced me that wasn’t the case.” He stopped and stared out the windows. “I’m not so sure that isn’t true anymore.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Look where it’s gotten us.” Jack turned back around to face her. “I told Patrick because I needed to make sure he wouldn’t accidentally say something. At the time, you didn’t seem to want anyone to know, either. That was our agreement,” he said, feeling slightly betrayed that she’d changed the game without telling him. “I told him what I did to protect you.”

“Jack, don’t you see?” She rushed forward and took his hands in hers. “We told people to protect each other, to protect this, and they understood. Patrick and Cassie have accepted us. Nick, Brady, my family—they will too. I know it.”

He glanced away, but Lilly tugged on his hands, forcing him to look back at her again. God, the desperation in her eyes. It was killing him.

He squeezed her fingers and then pried them from his.

“You may think that’s true, but we don’t know for sure. The effect on our careers could still be an issue. And I don’t want to risk how my son might react.”

“Maybe he would understand—”

“He wouldn’t. But say they all accepted us. Then what? I don’t want to have any more children, and that isn’t fair to you. You have a lot more life left to live than I do.”

“That’s ridiculous. You’re only forty-five. We’d have plenty of years to—”

Jack placed a finger over her lips, silencing her. “This isn’t what’s right for you in the long run. I want you to have a full life with marriage, children and all the things you could possibly experience, and that’s not going to be with me. You have to move on to someone else who can give you all that.”

Lilly took his wrist and pulled his hand down.

“I don’t want someone else! I want you!” When he didn’t respond, her face crumpled. She dropped his hand and wrapped her arms around her middle. “I don’t understand how you can act like this after what you said the other night, about needing me, about being mine. Was none of that true? Or was it all just bullshit to get me to submit the way I did?”

“No,” he said, horrified she’d even think that. “I meant every word.”

“Then tell me how, Jack? How am I supposed to forget the person who brought me back from the dead?”

She stumbled backward until she banged into the edge of the island. Jack winced and reached for her, his instinct to take her into his arms, but stopped himself. He couldn’t protect her when he was the one causing her pain.

“I was dead, broken, and you put me back together. You made me whole again.”

“And I’ll always be honored you let me do that for you, but—”

“But what? If it was all true, then how can it be so easy for you to walk away?”

“It’s not easy, Lilly! I’m trying to do what’s right here. You need to be with someone your own age. Someone who can provide for you a lot longer than I will.”

She sniffled, the fire from her previous words replaced by a soft, sad whisper. “If you really feel like that, then why have you been doing this with me all this time?”

“Because I’m selfish. And I wanted you.”

“Wanted?” She laughed bitterly. “Past tense?”

“I still do. You know that. But I can’t continue something with you that will only end up hurting you in the end.”

Lilly studied him for a moment, her eyes narrowing. “Is that it, or is there something else?”

His lips formed a thin line.

“Because I think the truth is that you’re the one who’s afraid to be hurt. You don’t want to risk losing someone again.”

“Lilly,” he said. “Don’t.” But she ignored his warning and took a step forward.

“You’re not willing to move on, even though that’s what you’ve been telling me to do. You’re too scared to do whatever it is Eve asked you to do. The thing you wouldn’t tell me about.”

“That has nothing to do with this.”

“You sure about that?” She sighed and shook her head. “Jack, whatever it was you said you’re not brave enough to do, you can tell me about it. I’ve told you everything about me. Why can’t you do the same?”

There was no way he was talking about this with her. Lilly threw her hands in the air.

“Fine, don’t tell me.” Tears spilled down her cheeks. “I’m sorry she’s gone, I truly am, but I’m here now. I want to be with you, despite the age difference, despite any consequences to our jobs or what our friends and family might think, despite everything. I’m willing to take the risk because…” She paused, treading closer. “I love you.”

Oh God.

It was the moment he’d been dreading. He’d known it was coming, but hadn’t bargained on it being this soon.

“I don’t feel the same way, Lilly.”

Her eyes slowly closed and her shoulders jerked in a short, silent cry. Then she started to laugh, a cackle that was almost maniacal.

“I can’t believe I’m back here again.” Her eyes flew open, an eerie smile on her face. “I’m right back where I was, loving someone who doesn’t love me back. I let history repeat itself. I even asked you for the same things I wanted from Damien, and your answer didn’t sound any different from his.” Her face hardened again. “So I guess you’re right. I do have to go.”

She glared at him for a long moment. Then Jack opened the drawer in the island, took out their contract and flipped to the addendum that would end their agreement. He handed it to her.

“You need to look after yourself. I don’t want to be the cause of any of your heartbreak.”

She stared down at the contract. “You already are.”

Her words cut, deeper than he’d thought possible.

Lilly signed and dated the bottom line with a flourish. As her pen left the paper, Jack felt it—the moment this thing between them ended. It hit him like an avalanche. She started to walk out, but he couldn’t let her leave like this, not after all they’d been through.

“Lilly,” he forced out. She turned around. “I’m sorry.”

She nodded. “Me too.”

He followed her out of the kitchen, wanting to insist on driving her home, but he had no right to put any demands on her now. He stood in the hallway until the door clicked shut behind her.

Jack punched the wall in frustration, but it wasn’t enough to loosen the tightness in his chest. He backed up hard against the wall and slid down to the floor, clasped his hands together and pressed them to his mouth. He closed his eyes against the moisture building there, but it didn’t help. A tear streaked down his face.

He’d promised to protect her, to nurture her and keep her safe. To heal, not hurt her.

And in the end, hurting her was exactly what he did.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Lilly stared out her office window. A rainstorm was in the distance, thick clouds camped out over the horizon, the sky as gray as she felt. It was as if someone had taken out her lungs but expected her to breathe normally, act normally, even though last night she’d walked away from the best thing that ever happened to her.

It seemed like a cruel joke that it had ended up this way, when she’d gone to Jack’s house hoping for so much more. Why couldn’t he see she’d never cared about their age difference? It was never an issue how old either of them was when they were in his playroom. Why would it have mattered now?

It didn’t matter. Only one thing did, and it felt like a searing knife wound whenever she thought about it—he didn’t love her.

She sighed and turned away from the window. Everything she’d thought about their relationship was wrong. For Jack, it had been about fixing her, and only for the duration of their contract, nothing more. If only she could rewind time, and continue staying blind to his feelings, but that wouldn’t have been any better. She did the right thing by leaving.

Her work phone rang, and she reached for it, grateful for the distraction. She couldn’t focus on the train wreck of her personal life right now. “Lilly Sterling.”

“Yo. It’s Brady.”

Her stomach bottomed out. Was he calling because Jack asked him to check up on her?

“Hey,” she replied warily. “What’s up?”

“Um, you told me to call you. At the pub on Friday. Remember?”

“Right. Of course,” she said, shaking off the foolish hope. Jack would never have asked Brady to look in on her, anyway. “You have a lot of experiences with databases, right? Ones with lots of data, like I mentioned at the game?”

Brady snorted. “I build databases like that.”

She laughed and closed her eyes, hanging on to the sound of his voice, the way he phrased his words, the lilt of his accent. He sounded so much like Jack.

Stop it.

“Great. I wanted to ask if you’d be our IT expert. The conversation we had about Unix timestamps broke this case.”

“Cool. What do you need me to do?”

They worked out the details, and she put him on the calendar for later in the week. When they hung up, she dropped her head into her hands.

Since when did it hurt this much just to breathe?

“Hey, we got the backup database in—” Lilly’s head snapped up as Cassie stopped short at the edge of her cubicle. “What’s wrong?”

She shrugged and tried to smile, to force it down, to ignore her feelings and bury herself in work. But she couldn’t. Maybe if she just let it happen this time, she’d get through it faster.

“It’s over with Jack.”

Cassie squatted down by her chair. “What happened?”

“I wanted more and he…didn’t.”

“I’m sorry, honey.”

“Thanks.” She took a breath and tried to clear her head. She wasn’t going to break down and cry here. She had work to do. “So we got the backup? What does it say?”

Cassie held out an envelope. “I haven’t opened it. Thought you might want to do the honors.”

“It’s your case, Cass.”

“And it was
your
find.”

She stubbornly continued to hold out the envelope. Hesitating for a moment, Lilly reached up and took the package. If she was going to come out of this relationship with another layer of scars, at least she’d do it with her legal footing intact. She tore open the package and pulled out the flash drive inside.

“Plug it in,” Cassie said. “Let’s see what we’ve got.”

Lilly connected it to her computer, brought up the older version of the database and tabbed down to the entry she’d memorized by now. It was completely different—just a few lines Simon had written on whatever assignment he’d had that day.

“Hah!” Cassie pumped her fist in the air. “We’ve got you, suckers.”

Lilly should’ve been ecstatic, but a small smile was all she could manage.

“We got them,” she agreed quietly.

Cassie tilted her head in sympathy. “Are you going to tell Nick?”

She still planned on honoring Jack’s request to keep this between them, and even if she wasn’t, there was no guarantee that Nick would understand.

“I don’t know.”

Cassie put a hand on her shoulder. “It’s going to be okay.”

Another deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. Over and over until it stopped hurting.

“I know.”

She would be. Eventually.

Jack hunched forward over his desk, his hands clasped together. The sounds of Harvard in preparation for finals wafted in through his open windows. He’d given his final lectures, wished his students luck on their exams and had his last appointments with his advisees. He had no obligations, save for grading exams in a week. He should’ve felt relieved, but he didn’t.

It was Friday, five days since Lilly walked out his door. On Monday, it had felt like a bad dream. By Tuesday, reality set in. And when Wednesday came, going home to his liquor cabinet felt a hell of a lot more appealing than tennis with Patrick. He’d dragged himself through the workout anyway, hoping the game would beat some of the guilt out of him.

It hadn’t.

He’d been in a foul mood and played like shit. With every serve, he remembered Lilly’s face falling when he said he didn’t love her. The image was seared into his brain. He hated hurting her, but she needed to hear the truth. He’d done what was necessary to get her to end their agreement.

Unwilling to explain himself and risk one of Patrick’s pep talks, Jack left the match quickly, insisting he had work to do. Since then, he’d pushed himself through the last few days of the semester. He’d blocked out the picture of Lilly’s devastated expression and focused instead on the way she looked at the pub last weekend—the confidence she showed when talking about work, the sparkle in her eyes. She’d come such a long way, and would finally be able to move on to someone who would be able to give her what she needed most. That was the future he wanted for her.

So why did the thought make him sick?

Jack crossed his arms and looked at his desk, finally devoid of paperwork. Once, he’d been happy to be finished with the months of mentoring, advising and teaching. The long days of summer would unfold before him, and he’d spend hours researching, writing articles in the hope of publication. He loved being in scholar mode, burying himself in the questions that fueled his interests, making new discoveries he could share with his students the next semester. It was something he hadn’t done for a long time, since before Eve’s diagnosis, but he’d hoped to do it again this summer. And in the balmy nights that followed, he’d imagined Lilly with him, their time filled with discoveries of their own.

Now that was never going to happen. He hadn’t realized how much she’d become a part of his life. It felt like he was bleeding out without her.

His cell rang, Josh’s name flashing on the screen. Jack tried to shelve his heartache, hoping he sounded normal as he picked up the call.

“Hey, buddy.”

“Hey, Dad. Guess what? I have some free time at the end of May and found some cheap tickets home. You’ll be done with finals, right?”

A visit from Josh should’ve been a cause for celebration. He didn’t have to worry about Lilly anymore, about telling her they’d need to cancel a weekend or having anything to hide. All the lies were behind him. He should’ve felt relieved, but instead he felt…empty.

“Dad?”

“Yes, I’ll be done.” He forced excitement into his voice. “I can’t wait to see you.”

He had to stop thinking about Lilly and focus on his son. On his career. His life. He’d told her to move on, and that was what he needed to do too. She’d never get what she was looking for with him, and he had promises to keep.

It was time for him to let her go.