His (21 page)

This is what you wanted.

“No,” I said. “Kat, wake up.”

This is the easiest way. Cut her up. Burn her. Like the others—

“No!”
I howled the word so loudly that she must wake up, she must. The thought of taking a knife to her body made me as ill as I had been when I’d tried to cut my own wrist, and it was with great effort that I suppressed the bile threatening to rise in my throat. But she slept on, unhearing.

The only noise in the room was the sound of water running from the bathroom.

“Come on,” I said. I flung away the red ropes from her wrists. Carefully, I gathered her up into my arms, not caring about the wetness soaking her lower half.

The bath was shallow, a few inches of water. The rush of the cold water filled my ears. I had no hope. In my arms, I thought I already carried a dead woman.

I knelt.

“Please,” I whispered, not knowing who I whispered to. Supporting her neck with my arm, I lowered her into the cold bath. I picked up the ammonia inhalant, pressed it under her nose.

Her body convulsed. Her back arched against the ceramic bathtub - I caught her head before it hit the hard tile. And then—
oh, God, and then
—my kitten opened her eyes.

She gasped once, a breath of air sucked hard into her lungs. Her hands flailed, clutching at my chest and splashing water over the side of the tub. Her eyes were wide with fear, and as she inhaled gulps of air I supported her back, gave her room to breathe. Relief washed over me, driving away the shadow with the fear of her death.

“Gav—” she said, her throat hoarse. Her breaths came in shudders through her body.

I clasped her hands, pulled her to me, held her tight.

“It’s alright,” I said. “Don’t be afraid. I’m here. It’s alright.”

     Kat    

The water in the bath was so cold that when I woke up I thought I was drowning in an icy lake. Gav held me against his chest and I sucked in deep breaths, trying to comfort myself. Trying not to panic. The world refocused in my vision.

Finally I got control of my breathing, and I sat up with Gav’s help in the bath. Goosebumps ran down my arms and legs, and I shivered, reaching forward to turn off the cold water. Gav saw what I was reaching for and turned on the hot water instead. I lay back and took deep breaths as the water in the tub warmed up.

“What happened?” I asked, looking up.

“I might ask the same of you,” he said.

I shook my head. My hands and feet felt numb, but with the new warm water they were beginning to tingle with feeling.

“I… I passed out. I was having a panic attack. I—”

Immediately the reason for my panic attack struck me again. Fear closed around my throat, clenching shut my windpipe.

“Did you kill him?” I asked.

“Who?”

Gav stared at me dumbly. I grabbed his arm, my fingers digging into his skin.

“The man. Did you kill him?”

“No. Kat, are you alright? I’m so sorry I left you for so long. I didn’t even think—I thought I’d be back before you woke up—”

“You didn’t kidnap him? That wasn’t why you left last night?”

Gav shook his head. I breathed out, my shoulders relaxing.

“I went to the library to get more books,” he said. “And when I came back, I saw you there…”

He looked so different. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was until he spoke again.

“I thought you were dead,” he said. And then I realized what it was.

It was emotion.

I reached out my hand and touched his cheek. How strange, that emotion can change a person’s face so much. His eyes looked softer around the edges, deeper somehow. Then I drew my hand back. He had gotten me drunk, tied me up. Left me tied up in bed while he went out. No matter how much relief I felt, it wasn’t enough to forgive him for everything he had done. For all the things he had done.

“Let me clean up,” I said, realizing that I’d pissed all over myself before passing out. The smell came through my nostrils and I was shocked to realize I hadn’t even noticed it before. “The bed—”

“I’ll get it. Don’t worry. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. It was just a panic attack. I hyperventilated. I’ll be okay.”

“Don’t lock the bathroom door, alright? I want to make sure you’re not going to pass out again.”

A bubble of laughter rose up in my throat. A serial killer, a maniac, a man who had kidnapped me and tied me up in his basement—he was telling me not to lock the door behind me? It was so ridiculous I could scream. Instead I nodded and pulled my knees up to my chest.

I let the bathtub drain as I pulled the dress off of me. The fabric was wet and heavy, clinging to my skin, but there was no way I was asking Gavriel to come back in and help me out of it. He’d done enough already.

The hot water I splashed over myself felt so good that I lingered while soaping myself, cross-legged in the bottom of the tub. Gav called into the bathroom once, and I answered him, but other than that he left me alone.

I wrapped a towel and came out to see him sitting on the bed. The sheets had been changed out, and there was a new bedspread across the mattress, this one a light green. He looked up at me as though I was a ghost. I sat down on the bed, my heart thumping. I didn’t know whether I was more relieved or angry.

“I thought you were dead,” he repeated.

“I thought you were going to kill someone else.”

“I wasn’t.”

“And I wasn’t dead. Even if I was, what does it matter?”

“Kat—”

My name sounded so strange coming out of his mouth. Especially now that he looked at me with such tenderness.

“We had a deal. A trade.”

“Only for one day—”

“It scared me so much,” I said, interrupting him. I couldn’t stop now. We had to talk about this, or else every time he left I would be met with the same terror, the same panic attack. “When you left, I couldn’t even breathe. Unless you can get me more pills—”

“I can’t.”

“Then you can’t go out like that. You can’t kill anyone else. We had a trade, remember? We should be able to trade again.”

“It was a fair trade. Being with you… it helps drive the urge away. It’s not quite the same, the thrill of it, but… but it’s close. It helps.”

“You said there were other girls.”

“Not anymore,” he said. “I can’t exactly bring women home anymore. Not with you here.”

“No, but couldn’t you, you know? Go back to their place instead?”

Even as I spoke the words, a thick band of jealousy wrapped around my heart. I tried to let it go. I hated Gav, at least that’s what I told myself. But even sitting here, I could feel his desire radiating out toward me. I could feel my own attraction, too, entwined with his.

He shook his head, as though dismissing a long-considered possibility.

“It’s not the same. With them, it’s only a sexual release. With you, there’s—I can’t explain. There’s a brightness to it.”

He touched my hand, his fingers slipping under my palm.

“Maybe it’s the idea that you’re mine. Forever. That I can do what I want with you. That I can kill you, if I want. Even if I wouldn’t. I
wouldn’t
.” He spoke the last words quickly, squeezing my hand in his. “Whatever it is, it makes it go away. The urge.”

I shivered. This,
this
was what I wanted? It couldn’t be. And yet I did not draw my hand away from his.

“I talked with your friend. She misses you.”

I was so shocked that I almost dropped the towel. I clenched the terrycloth to my chest.

“She said you were a great person. Really smart. She wished she had told you that before you left.”

“Does she think I ran away?”

“No.”

I nodded sadly. Jules was the one person I knew would take up for me. She knew why I had run away before. As I thought about her, my eyes burned with tears. I would never see her again, not as long as I was stuck here.

Gav sat, watching me, his hand warm under mine.

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked. He dropped his gaze to my fingers. His thumb, muscled and thick, rolled around my small fingers, squeezing them.

“I don’t know. I’m glad you’re not dead.”

“I can’t stay here.”

“You can’t leave.”

It was not the truth I wanted to hear. Damn him! To never talk to anyone else - to never see Jules, to never walk in freedom outside. To be leashed, constantly, always on the end of a line connected to him.

I pulled my hand away. It was the only thing I could do. My one act of resistance, however small. He stood up from the bed.

“I’ll put a lock on the outside of the bedroom door, so I can leave you inside here when I go out. I’ll do it this evening.”

He made to go, and I realized that there was one more thing I could do.

“Gav?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t leave again. Don’t kill him.”

It was a sacrifice. A
trade
. But then again, what was I sacrificing? My life was nothing here. It meant nothing. Until I died or escaped, I would be nothing. And until then, I could keep him from killing. That was the only place I could make meaning.

This is what I told myself. I rejected any attraction I had toward him, repudiated it. If I was to let him touch me, it would be for this reason only.

And yet, secretly, I knew that it was not the reason at all.

“Kat?”

He spoke my name. He had no right to speak my name like that, the sound tripping off of his tongue in a way that made my insides clench with desire. Desire and hate.

“Stay with me,” I said.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because I don’t want you to kill again.”

“You’re a liar, kitten,” he said gently. “You lie to me. You lie to yourself.”

“Stay with me,” I said desperately. “A trade. Do whatever you want to me.”

He smiled. And the way he smiled made me feel as though I was already on the kitchen table, waiting for him to stab me through the heart.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

     Gav    

When I installed the locks on the door, she did not even look at me. Her nose was buried in her book, a thriller. Her eyes stayed glued in one place, though, and she did not turn the page once. I could sense her eyes tracking me in her peripheral vision.

An interesting fact - when you see something in the corner of your eye, everything is black and white. The light entering at such an extreme angle doesn’t hit the central cones and rods that show color. I wondered what shade of gray she saw in me. I turned to her and saw her eyes flit down the page.

“Tonight, what do you want me to do?” I asked.

“Nothing.”

“You said—”

“You can do anything you want to do to me. That’s the trade.”

Irritation scraped at my nerves.

“I’m giving you a chance to make it easier on yourself, kitten.”

“I don’t want it to be easier.”

“You like it rough?” I stood at the foot of the bed. “No, don’t answer. I’ll just do whatever I think you’ll like.”

She didn’t say a word.

I came over next to her on the bed and lay beside her. As I slid my hand over her chest, her breath caught in her throat. I measured her heartbeat. It was slow, steady.

I nuzzled my face into her hair and pressed my mouth against her neck. Her heart jumped under my hand.

“How do you like the book?”

She whimpered.

I licked the soft spot at the end of her jawline, sucked softly at the skin there. Then harder.

“Oh!”

“Not the best writing? You haven’t turned the page since I’ve been here.”

She shut the book with more force than was necessary and let it fall to her side.

Her scent was enough to make me hard, and I pressed against her. As she stared silently at the ceiling, her tongue came out to moisten her bottom lip.

“Tell me you don’t want me,” I said, teasing.

“No.”

“Then tell me you want me.”

“No.”

This time her voice was a whisper. A lie.

Her heart raced under my palm. Slowly, carefully, I eased myself away from her. This was dangerous, and I could not take her now. Not now. I struggled to keep myself from pinning her down, taking her right then.

If she could not make up her mind, I would not make it for her. For the first time in a long time, I found myself wanting something I could not have, and although I wanted to take it, I could not bring myself to. I turned at the doorway and looked at her out of the corner of my eye. Dim gray curves in my bed.

The new brass lock on the door shone brightly in front of me. I touched the deadbolt with my finger. Cool metal. I wanted to touch her, her warm skin, her deliciously tender breasts.

“Don’t kill anyone while you’re out there.”

“I won’t,” I said. She was teasing, yet not teasing. I struggled to find the words to ask what I wanted to ask.

“When I come back…” I trailed off. I had never felt so uncertain, so uncomfortable around anyone. I felt as though I had opened up a part of myself that I should not have opened. It irritated me, grated on my nerves. Did she really care about me? And why did it matter?

“Do what you want,” she said.

What more could I ask for?

The bar I went to had a crowd of people on one end, near the pool tables. For a moment I considered leaving, but then I thought of Kat and sat down at the other end of the bar, next to a middle-aged biker.

This would be her first test with the lock. Would she try to escape? I had waited a while downstairs before leaving and heard nothing coming from the room. But she was smarter than I had given her credit for before.

I would not make that mistake again. One drink, maybe two, and then I would return.

The uncertainty that had grabbed hold of me was astounding. In my own home, I felt like an intruder. Watching her on the bed, I felt out of my element. Uneasy.

I’d never felt uneasy before.

I gulped down the whiskey I’d ordered. The liquid burned as it slid down the back of my throat, easing the irritation. What was it about her that had gotten so far under my skin?