His Royal Secret (28 page)

A couple of hours earlier, James had come out to the rest of the royal family via Kimberley’s request for a meeting to discuss how the family as a whole should deal with his coming-out speech. He could well imagine the consternation this had caused, but the only ones who had reached out to him were Indigo (who had phoned just to tell him she loved him) and Nicholas (who’d called from his RAF base, promising not only to return to London for the meeting but to stand by James no matter what). Probably Richard was even now about to pull an all-nighter of his own, the better to see how to use this information to get him closer to the throne.

Maybe James ought to be working just as hard as Richard, but not tonight. Everything else he’d done today, everything else he would do for days to come, would be about fighting for his right to be king. Tonight was about acknowledging what he’d lost as a man.

“Thank you, Kimberley,” he said. “Good night.”

He went to his private suite, again let the valet undress him, ate a perfunctory dinner, and poured himself a drink. Then he stood in front of a mirror in the hallway—antique, spotted with mercury gray around the gilded edges—and tried to practice how he should look. But all his smiles were false.

Forget how he’d look. What the hell was he going to say?

Well, we had some fun, didn’t we?
How appallingly glib.

You brought a great deal of happiness to my life. Laughter and friendship and absolutely wonderful sex. Thank you for that.
Simple and true, but so much less than he felt.

It’s not as if we weren’t headed in this direction, right? No hard feelings.
Combative. Probably close to how Ben would behave. Yet inadequate.

Ben, I’m never going to forget you. Not one moment I spent with you, not ever. Fifty years from now I’ll still remember what it was like to kiss you, the way your voice sounded, that afternoon in your flat when you held me close. I’ll be able to recite the words we spoke to each other. I’ll be able to sculpt your face in snow. Even though we’ll never see each other again, you will be a part of every day I live.

No. Best not to be that honest. That would only make Ben pull back, and above all James didn’t want to ruin their final night together.

Would they have sex? It would make the pain so much worse. Yet James knew that if there were any sign Ben was willing, they’d wind up in bed. He could never give up the chance to be with Ben one last time.

Right on schedule, he heard the telltale clicking of the lower door, Ben’s footsteps on the stairs. James shooed the corgis into another room, all the time whispering, “You brought a great deal of happiness to my life. You brought a great deal of happiness to my life.” He had to get it right, say it easily. He wanted so badly for this to go well.

When the door opened, he turned to see Ben walking in, already shucking his coat, quiet and intent as ever in black turtleneck and blue jeans. James was surprised at how normally he was able to say, “You made it. It’s good that we—”

Ben crossed the room in a few swift steps and pulled James into a kiss, deep and bruisingly hard. At first James almost fought it, not the kiss but the tidal wave of feeling that threatened to overwhelm him—but he couldn’t fight this. He wound his arms around Ben’s neck and returned the kiss just as fiercely; the embrace went on and on.

Finally their mouths parted. As Ben drew in a deep breath, James whispered, “I’m so glad you did that. If you’d been formal or awkward—I didn’t want it to be awkward for us tonight, saying good-bye.”

Ben’s hand curved along the side of James’s face. His dark eyes were intent as he said, “This is not good-bye.”

“But—” James became confused, unsure what Ben could possibly be driving at. “You realize it must be.”

“No. I don’t.”

“We couldn’t keep this a secret.” The thought that Ben didn’t want to walk away either—it cracked James’s heart open, but it didn’t change hard facts. “No matter what we did. The press would discover you within days.”

“We won’t let them discover me,” Ben said. “We’ll tell them.”

“
Tell
them?” The most horrible mixture of hope and pain seized James, made it almost impossible for him to even think of the right words, much less say them aloud. “Ben, no. You don’t understand. As soon as the press learned your name, they’d be all over you. They’d camp out in front of your flat. They’d surround your office. Tap your phone, hack your e-mail. You wouldn’t have any privacy any longer. Not a second’s peace. They’d ruin your life.”

Ben shrugged. His expression was strange: intense, almost fierce, yet slightly lost. “Yes. If the world finds out we’re together, my life is ruined. But my life is ruined if I lose you. So I’m pretty well fucked either way.”

“Stop it.
Stop it
.” James bodily pushed Ben back, at the very verge of his control. They had never talked like this before—about Ben caring for him, truly needing him—and James could not bear for them to start now that they had to call things off. He’d steeled himself against loss but not against hope, and hope was a thousand times more terrible. “This isn’t happening. Don’t you understand? It’s the worst thing I could ever do to you, giving in to this.”

“You’re the one who doesn’t understand.”

“Ben . . .”

“I love you.”

It took the air from James’s lungs, took the sound from his throat. All James could do was stare at Ben as he stepped closer.

“I never wanted to fall in love with you or with anyone.” Ben raked his hands through James’s hair; his gaze had turned inward, as though he were fashioning his thoughts into words for the first time. “Nobody else ever got to me like this. Nobody ever. And nobody’s going to get to me like this again. You got through my defenses when no one else could, or can, or will. You’re the only one I could ever have loved, the only man on this earth. I can’t change it now. It’s done. All I know is that if I walk away from you tonight, I’ll spend the rest of my life . . . broken in two. Needing you. So I won’t walk away.”

“
Oh
,” James breathed out, unable to speak another word. But there was no more time for words, not with Ben pulling him back into his fervent embrace.

And for a few blessed seconds, James simply allowed himself to feel the hopeless, helpless joy sweeping through him. As he nestled his face in the curve of Ben’s neck, James thought, over and over,
He loves me. Ben loves me. This is real.

But not even love could change the facts.

James pulled back and braced his hands against Ben’s chest, trying to retain his composure. It was important not to lose his head. He had to think of Ben. “I can’t let you do this. You think you know what it will be like, the press, the lack of privacy, but you don’t.”

“Then I’ll learn, won’t I?”

So easy to say, so hard to live. James forced himself to hang on to the reality, not what he wanted to believe. “You’d hate it. In time you’d hate me too. No matter how much I love you . . .
oh
. I hadn’t even told you—I should have said it back right away—”

Ben cut him off with a swift kiss. “It’s all right. I know.”

“I love you,” James said again. It felt like the only truth strong enough to sustain him. “So I can’t do this to you.”

“You’re
not
doing it to me.” By this point Ben looked angry, even as he held James tenderly. “It’s my life, James. It’s my choice to make, not yours. Unless . . . is it that you think it complicates things too much, my being with you? Would I just drag you down?”

“No!” This wasn’t something James had considered one way or the other. His reluctance had nothing to do with concerns as petty as PR, and Ben had to understand that. “I’m only trying to think of you. To protect you.”

“You can’t. It’s too late for any of that.”

Was it? James understood completely that, while Ben was being courageous at the moment, he had absolutely no idea of the enormity of the public attention ahead. The media would focus on Ben, and Ben’s life, with the light and heat of a laser. He managed to say, “If we did this, it would contain you. Define your life in ways you can’t even comprehend. You’d be surrounded by all the things you never wanted.”

“There are lots of things I never wanted,” Ben said roughly. “But here I am.”

Then he pulled James into another kiss, as desperate as the first. Ben’s embrace held them against each other so tightly that James could no longer tell the difference between Ben’s heartbeat and his own. James felt his resolve weakening. Was it possible that Ben was ready for this? That James could be loved—loved so much that Ben would sacrifice everything else? It seemed impossible. Yet they were fused together, clinging to each other, unwilling to let go.

This time, when they broke apart, James whispered, “Oh, Christ.”

“You know we have to do this,” Ben said, each word urgent. “You know we can’t walk away from each other. Not tonight. Not ever.”

It was the siren’s song, but James tried hard not to surrender to it. He took Ben’s hands in his and chose his words with care. “Listen to me for a bit, all right?”

“Will you stop trying to run everyone’s life? I’ve told you my decision.”

“I know.” James kissed him, one swift brush with his lips. “I know, and I love you for it, even more than I did before. You’ll never realize what this means to me, not ever. But, please, please, hear me out. All right? I want to be sure you’ve thought this through. You have to. There’s no going back from this once it’s done.”

“Why are you fighting me so hard?”

“Because I love you enough to let you go if it’s the right thing to do.”

“It isn’t,” Ben replied, with the overpowering confidence that frightened James as much as it exhilarated him. As badly as he wanted Ben to stay with him, he couldn’t allow Ben to blindly sacrifice his life as a private citizen in a moment of blind passion.

James spoke slowly, meeting Ben’s eyes to be sure he comprehended every single word. “Ben, if we do this, we’ll be tied together every day, virtually every moment. Every decision we make will affect each other. It’s going to be—to be like we’re a married couple. As much as I love you . . . you know we’re not there yet.”

Ben’s fierceness faded from his expression. For the first time, James saw the uncertainty within him, how completely frightening this was for Ben. Yet he stood here anyway. “I realize that,” Ben said, voice hardly more than a whisper. “I do. But if it’s now or never, I choose now.”

“You do?” James wanted to laugh, or to cry.

“You belong to me,” Ben said, as though it were the most obvious, true thing in the world. “Maybe the public and the press own the part of you that’s the prince, but not the man. You’re mine, and I won’t let anything take you away.”

Did Ben realize that he needed to feel as if he were taking on the whole world? James thought that if he were a regular man, the scientist or professor he might have been in another lifetime, Ben would have shied at the first sign of real commitment. He would’ve taken off to yet another country, yet another form of solitude. But now that he had to fight for love, he was ready to fight as long and hard as it took.

Could James be equally as brave?

“You belong to me too,” James said. The misery he’d endured over the past two days was breaking apart like clouds being burned off by the sun.

“I don’t know where we go from here any more than you do. But I want us to try to go on together.”

I will make this right for you
, James thought.
No matter what I have to do. I’ll protect you from the worst of it, whatever it takes.
“Together, then.”

“Yes?”

“Yes. Let’s do this.”

“Really?” Ben began to laugh, and James did too. They weren’t laughing from happiness, but from the astonishment of finding themselves in this place together, so far from anywhere they had ever meant to be.

“Yes,” he said, squeezing Ben’s hand. “Really.”

Ben breathed out, relieved but perhaps unsure what to do next. That made two of them. James simply pulled Ben into another embrace, and for a few moments they held each other, attempting to regain some sense of calm. Finally Ben leaned back to kiss James’s forehead and murmur, “Are you all right? You look exhausted.” Ben smoothed James’s hair back from his face. “Have you slept?”

“Not much.”

“I suppose it’s been rough, the past day or two.”

James was going to agree, but then he couldn’t. All he could do was smile. “Actually, as of this moment, this is the best day of my entire life.”

The softness in Ben’s eyes then felt like a glimpse of the boy he’d been long ago, before all the scars. “Mine too.”

When they kissed this time, there was no thought of pulling apart, no need for any more words. They undressed each other as they stumbled toward the bedroom, kissing and touching each other every moment, unwilling to stop or slow down. Together they fell onto the mattress, naked and intertwined, and James gave in to it completely.

Tomorrow they’d begin to face the consequences. Tomorrow the world would begin to find out, and Ben’s life would begin to change. Tomorrow would be their reckoning.

But tonight there was only the way their bodies fit together. Only the way he and Ben felt about each other. Ben’s body beneath his, surrounding his; Ben’s voice crying out in helpless pleasure every time James moved. Whispered promises as reverent as prayers, and again and again, just each other’s names. Tonight James abandoned all thought of tomorrow as he made love, body and soul, for the first time in his life.

Look for the conclusion of James and Ben’s story in HIS ROYAL FAVORITE, available from InterMix August 2016.

Lilah Pace
 is a pseudonym for a
New York Times
bestselling author. She is the author of
His Royal Secret
,
Begging for It
and
Asking for It
.

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