His Wounded Light (19 page)

I catch a glimpse of her walking out of the lobby doors with arms around her son. Like me, she’s hiding behind a pair of sunglasses. Her son is wearing his school uniform and she has him enclosed in her arms, shielding him, as they wait for the car to pull up. He’s growing up to look more and more like his father. His blond hair is light and wavy and he has the piercing blue eyes that his mother fell in love with. Isabel looks lost and stricken, but the vision of her standing right in front of me overwhelms all my other thoughts. She reluctantly lets her son go as he slips into the seat of the car. I watch her lean over to strap him in the backseat, my eyes on her as she kisses him and mouths something that resembles an “I love you.” I see her inhale deeply before turning around to face the reporters as the car drives away. A few of them have come up to her and she is shaking their hands. She looks understandably preoccupied and disengaged, and for some unknown reason, I notice that her fingers remain splayed out protectively against her stomach as if holding it in place.

I can’t stand around much longer. I rush to her side and wrap my arms around her as I slowly lead her back into the lobby. I hold her tight as she breaks down and cries inconsolably in my arms. I’m so caught up in worrying about her that I don’t have time to enjoy this closeness. At first, I don’t even know if she realizes that it’s me. She squints her eyes as she lifts her head from my chest and I can see her processing it all in her mind. I know that the photographers will be in here any minute, so I don’t resist her pulling away from me when she does.

“I have to go,” she whispers, avoiding my eyes. “Thank you for getting me out of there.”

I acknowledge her gratitude and walk away, relieved that her hastiness helped to avoid what could have been an awkward encounter between us.

I check on Alex’s status two days later, on my way to my scheduled doctor’s appointment. He’s still in critical condition, but I don’t make further attempts to contact her. She knows I’m around and she will come to me if she needs me. Rose and I take a short trip to Rome to check out the potential for a destination wedding. I have two fleets that can take her family wherever we decide to go. We make no mention of my recent hospital visit, she doesn’t ask and I don’t tell. Her patience with me is astounding. She’s passionate and funny and life with her is easy and relaxing. I know more than ever that she has finally healed my heart.

***

“Regret of neglected opportunity is the worst hell that a living soul can inhabit.”

—Rafael Sabatini

I knew it was bound to happen. I thought that things were going well enough between us and that this crazy storm would pass. Two months have gone by since the incident at the hospital. I’d seen Isabel once at the bar with her sisters and her friend, and hearing about her pregnancy from Alicia explained her rather odd behavior when I saw her that night. The media has been kind to them with regards to the accident and the events that followed immediately afterwards. The Aileys have made it very clear that the interest of the children is the first and foremost priority of everyone involved. I shouldn’t be indulging in this, but I heard from Mila, my secretary, who heard from Penny, his secretary, that things aren’t going well and that the couple has not been seen together in public since the accident. I try not to think about that last fact and focus on pegging a date for my wedding.

“You like this, don’t you, Jess?” Rose pants in my ear as she bends over to give me a kiss while riding me into the depths of nirvana.

“Hmmm,” I groan as I hold her hips and slam her against me repeatedly. My eyes are closed and my mind is somewhere else at this precise moment.

“I’m close, so close, Jess,” she mutters as she throws her head back and touches herself.

“Fuck, Issy!” I hear myself grunt and my eyes fly wide open as Rose pushes herself off me and runs out of the room crying.

I sit up for a moment and run my hand through my hair. I’ve got to get a grip on this. This isn’t supposed to be happening.

Slowly, I pull on my boxers and grab her robe that’s hanging at the foot of the bed. I find her in the living room, crouched in the fetal position, weeping softly.

“I’m so sorry,” I say as I hand her the robe and she hurriedly covers herself.

She flings her arms out to pound me on the chest. “How dare you!”

“I’m so sorry, baby. I don’t know what happened, but I can try to explain.” I don’t attempt to touch her.

She continues to cry. “There’s nothing to explain. You said your ex-girlfriend’s name while you were making love to me!” she spews out defiantly. “What does this all mean?” She looks up at me and starts wiping her tears on the sleeve of her robe.

“I love you, Rose. You’ve helped heal me in so many ways; you’re the first person who made me look forward to my future. I wanted a life with you.”

“Wanted?”

“With all that’s happened lately, I keep thinking that she needs me—as what, I don’t know, but I want to find out. What if this is my second chance at a life with her? It would never be fair to you or to anyone else if I didn’t pursue something that will eat at me incessantly.”

“You’ve thought about this a lot, it seems,” she whispers.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a few weeks, yes. The fact that she’s alone when she hasn’t been for twelve years. The chance that I might have to win her back.”

She starts to cry again. “What if you find out that what you had with her is over? What will you do then? I’m not going to wait around for you.”

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks, but their significance is lost to the fact that I want a second chance with Isabel. What kind of a jerk am I to even expect her to wait until I figure these feelings out? “I don’t expect you to,” I say sadly.

“Do you still love her, Jesse?” Her dark eyes are sparkling with tears, her body language stiff and discomfited.

“I don’t know. I’m not sure about what I still feel or if we can even get any of it back,” I answer truthfully. If there’s anything I’ve learned in the past twelve years, it’s to accept the truth about the scars of my past.

“You don’t know whether you love her, and yet you’re willing to risk losing me to find out?” Her anger is profoundly apparent. There’s a tightness to her posture, her body is closed off, and she looks like she wants to fling something at me.

“I have to do this to be sure that you have all of me. You don’t deserve to be with someone with half a heart.” That’s a little bit of an exaggeration, because I know that I love Rose, I just don’t know if it’s because Isa was never available.

She stares at me, then down at the engagement ring on her finger and starts to twist it around in an effort to take it off.

“No, keep the ring. I want you to have it.”

She looks at me dubiously and slams the ring on the table. “We’re done. This is done.” She gets up and walks towards the bathroom.

I nod my head in resignation. Ten minutes later, I’m still seated in the very same spot where she left me. The disappointment in myself is overwhelming. I threw away the love of a woman who was willing to accept me for who I am and I’m aiming for the love of another who has clearly moved on in her life. I need to get over this but I don’t know how. As in love and business, I’m about to take a gamble. I hope it gives me the peace that I am looking for once and for all.

***

***

“Angel of God, My Guardian Dear

To Whom God’s love commits me hear,

Ever this day, be at my side.”

—Catholic Bedtime Prayer

“To light and guard, to rule and guide...” I pause for a moment.

“Amen,” Eddie answers.

“Gah,” Maddy follows.

I lift her up into her crib and lay her gently on her pillow. “Goodnight, my baby princess. Sleep tight.” I turn to Eddie and motion for him to start walking to his room. By the time I catch up with him, he’s crawled up under his blanket but his hands are still fiddling with his iTouch.

“Put it away, Monkey. It’s late and you have band practice tomorrow.”

“Sorry, Mom.” He reaches out to lay it on the night stand. “Night.”

I bend down to kiss his cheek. “Goodnight. I love you.”

I walk down the hall to hear two phones ringing. I realize that someone had tried the home phone and is now calling my cell phone. I run into my bedroom to pick it up.

“Hello?”

“Isa, it’s me.” It’s Betty and her voice is soft and cracked.

“Hi, Betts! Hey, did Leigh get home yet?”

“Isa.” My name. Her tone. Alex isn’t here. I know. It’s happened.

I let out a high-pitched wail and drop to my knees right where I’m standing. The cell phone falls from my hand as I cover my face and break down in sobs. I blame myself. I should have stopped him. I should have stood my ground. I don’t want to survive this. I don’t want to spend a single moment in this life without him.

Betty doesn’t call me back; she knows I will pull myself together. I always do. I jerk my head back a minute later and reach out for my phone. I redial her number and wait.

“Isa.”

“Where?”

“Forbes Memorial Hospital. Please hurry.”

I arrive at the hospital within fifteen minutes and then suddenly realize that I don’t know where to go. I run frantically towards the front desk and don’t hide the fact that I’m falling apart right in front of everyone, breaking into pieces for the whole world to see. I’m told that Emergency is straight down a long and endless hallway and through these big, heavy double doors. I run the whole way until I’m out of breath and sick to my stomach. As I push out the double doors, I see Leigh, with his arm around his wife, Evie, and Ali all sitting in a straight line on the folding chairs facing the door. Evie and Ali rush towards me and I collapse in their arms.

“Please! Let me see him!” I’m sobbing. I’m hysterical. Slowly, the oxygen of life is seeping out of me. I’m going to run out of air, deflate and crumble in a heap of ruin.

A nurse walks over to me with a clipboard and Ali nods as a signal to her that I’m the person they have been waiting for.