His Wounded Light (34 page)

“Oh, Lucas. You hardly know me; don’t waste your time on me. I have a long way to go before I figure myself out. I have nothing to offer you.”

“But I want to know you. Can we try? Can we start over? I think I found it, Isa.”

“Found what?”

“Love. I think I’ve found it.”

I think deeply about my next response.
I want to love you. I don’t know why I can’t.
“I’m planning to take a little break, maybe go away with the children for a few months,” I finally say. “How about we give it some time until I get back? I promise to keep in touch.” I don’t wait for him to answer. I stand up and lead him towards the elevator. “Thank you for everything, Lucas. You helped me to find myself during a really horrible time in my life. I’ll never forget you.”

He opens his mouth to say something, but I don’t give him the chance to do so. I lean in and give him a hug. And then I walk away.

I return to the apartment to find Jesse sitting in the living room. The television is off and he’s fiddling around with his phone. He lays it on the table and opens up his arms, motioning for me to sit on his lap. I do as I’m asked. I feel so safe and protected with him.

“Where are the children?” I ask, looking around to find them.

“Emmy just put Maddy to bed and Eddie is doing Algebra with Alex on Skype. What the hell was that, Isa? I thought you broke it off?”

“I did. He didn’t quite agree with it.”

“What’s going on with him? Do you still want to see him?” He automatically takes my hand and rubs his thumbs on the scar on my wrist. I have physical reminders of him on my neck and ankles as well.

“He’s a good guy, Jesse. I pushed him to do what we did. I was sick and twisted with pain. I wanted to punish myself because of my guilt.”

“Oh, Iss.” He moves his face close to mine and touches my lips with his. “I was here for you. You could have confided in me about it. You can still talk to me now. Tell me.”

“There’s nothing to tell. I can’t even begin to explain why I wanted to hurt myself. The day after I saw Alex at his parents’ home was when I just snapped out of it. I realized that if I didn’t forgive myself, I would never be able to forgive Alex. And I think I have. Forgiven Alex, that is. Once he gets back from the States, I intend to ask him for permission to take the children abroad with me. Maybe to Spain or to Paris. I know that he’ll let me. I know he’s anxious to grant me the happiness that I’m so desperately looking for.”

“So you’ve forgiven him?”

“Yes.”

“What’s going on with him and Amanda?”

“Nothing. I found out that the reason he let go of Amanda is because she confessed her feelings about him one day during his counseling session. He told Evie, who told me, that he was disgusted and felt betrayed by her motives. I don’t blame her,” I say with a sigh. “Alex is easy to love. I really thought I had convinced him of this when we were still together.”

I can feel him tense up. He wrinkles his brows and looks at me with dark, narrowed eyes. “Why is it that I’m always fighting for you, Iss? When will it be my turn? When will you try to love ME?”

“But I do love you. You’ve been so good to me.”

“You have hot sex with Martinez. And then you have a friendship with me. How is that not fucked, Iss?”

“I don’t want to ruin what you have with Rose unless it overpowers us enough to fight for it. I’m not there yet, Jess. Alex still lives in here.” I point to my chest as I take hold of my heart firmly and freely.

“Then why are you even with Martinez?” he asks obstinately. I know he’s trying to understand why I’ve brought another player into this already convoluted situation.

“Correction. I was with Lucas. I’m not anymore. Lucas isn’t you. He isn’t Alex either. I didn’t seek him out, he found me. And I was desperate to have someone who wasn’t a part of my past. I still haven’t called Betty or Leigh. I’m still trying to find my way around the new life that’s right in front of me; being reminded of what once was is still too painful.”

“I really thought that you would end up falling for him. He’s young and exciting and maybe somewhat of a good diversion for you,” he says, quite tongue in cheek.

I laugh. “He’s not that much younger than us!” I contemplate his words for a bit and turn serious once again. “The one thing that I learned during my short time with Lucas is that I can’t run away from the pain. I can’t mask it with drugs or sex, because in the end, no one can repair the damage but me. And denying it only prolongs my recovery.”

I’m never going to be normal. I may recover from this but I will never be the same.

He processes this for a minute, but by then his opportunity to reply has passed. I move away from his lap and sit with my head on his shoulder, turning on the nightly news. We’ve talked about Rose often in the past few days. Sometimes, she’ll call him on the phone and he’ll stop whatever we’re doing to take her call. There are also times when he needs to go to her to console her about their relationship or a stressful day at work. I encourage him to prioritize her. It amuses me to think that we’re indirectly working on their relationship as we try to figure ours out. I’m constantly asking him to move back in with her and tonight’s no different.

“Jess, when are you going to move back in with Rose? She won’t be waiting for you forever. Have you guys discussed it lately?”

“She’s angry with me for leaving her, but in the same breath she says that she’ll wait until I figure things out.”

“Do you know how lucky you are that she’s willing to do that?”

He ignores my question and continues on. “She knows that you and I haven’t done anything and that we’re more just friends for now.”

“We’ve changed so much, haven’t we? What do we really have in common these days?” I reach out hand to brush his face. My thumb lightly skims the skin of his cheek and he holds my hand in place with his. He briefly glances at my wrists and looks at me sadly.

“Twelve years is a lot to get back in a few months. We need time to rediscover each other. I understand that you need time to heal.”

I smile at him. “You’ve been such a good friend to me, and I’ll always be thankful to you, but we don’t have time to start over again and I don’t really know if things will ever go back to the way they were before.” I bring his hand to my lips and kiss it. “I won’t allow you to lose your chance with Rose.”

“Can we try to be more than friends?” He leans closer to me. He’s asked to stay the night before, and tonight I’m worried that I might not be able to refuse him.

I laugh in his face and he feigns hurt feelings. “Sorry, you can’t do that when Eddie and Maddy are in the next room.”

“Good point. How about we plan a weekend away this Friday?” He puts his arm around me and I hide in the crook of his shoulder.

“Okay.”

There’s a pregnant pause as he furrows his brows and narrows his eyes at me in the Jesse gesture of astonishment and disbelief. “Woah! Seriously? You’re okay with it?”

“Yes, I am. I’m done with skirting around these issues. And I don’t want Rose to wait any longer. If it’s us, you need to cut ties with her. If it isn’t us, you need to sweep her off her feet and marry her. Deal?”

“Deal. It all sounds so scientific, though. You’re taking the romance out of it.”

I laugh out loud at the accuracy of his statement. “Sorry, I’m a little jaded right now.”

***

“The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough.”

—Rabindranath Tagore

We handle the subject of going away for the weekend very tactfully with the children. Ali will concoct an event and invite Eddie and Maddy so I can sneak away for a weekend with Jesse. It works out perfectly and soon we’re sitting in Jesse’s Range Rover on our way to a resort high up in the mountains. He’s fearless now, holding my hand and inching his fingers up my thigh. I let him. I feel for him, I just can’t define what it is. Yet. We arrive at the hotel and it takes us some time to check in. I don’t mind it. We have all weekend to figure things out.

We stop by the restaurant for dinner and he teases me about stalling the inevitable. I tell him that I’m starving and he tells me that he is too, but adds that it’s for something else. His words make me nervous, and I try to convince myself that I will fall for him as soon as I feel that first touch. That I can love him as much as I did so very long ago.

I call the kids to say goodnight right after dinner, knowing that I won’t be able to avoid what happens next any longer. I want this. I want him. He knows me. He loves me. Jesse leads me through the hallway of the suite and into our bedroom. I try to remember him, I really do, but nothing comes to mind.

When we get to the bed, I scoot myself up and sit up against the headboard. Slowly, he walks towards me and crawls up on the covers until his face is directly above mine. He is completely and utterly beautiful. I’ve forgotten how full and sensuous his lips are; they can swallow me completely. He leans over and kisses me, little pecks on my lips first, then he parts my mouth with his. I open willingly and soon we are sucking on each other’s tongues and falling into the perfect rhythm of our kisses from long, long ago. His hands start to touch me all over and he pulls away to look at me as he slowly unbuttons my blouse.

“You’re lovelier now than I remember.” He reaches behind me to unhook my bra, touching my breasts with both hands and unhurriedly brushing over them with his lips.

I let out a moan and hold his head down, ruffling my fingers through his hair. It’s coming to me slowly; my heart begins to rise from its slumber. He brings his lips to my stomach and then stops to unbutton my jeans. I help him pull them down until I’m left in only my lace underwear. He traces his finger along my C-section scar and I am suddenly feeling very conscious of myself.

“Your body hasn’t changed,” he murmurs. “This is the only difference, this line. Otherwise, you look the same.” He brings his lips to my stomach and licks the scar from end to end.

He pauses to tear his shirt off himself and I trace my fingers over the ridges of his shoulders and the hard lines on his chest. I reach out for him, hard and straining against his shorts. I unhook them, pull his zipper down and take him out with my hand. “Please,” I moan, “I want you inside me.”

He wastes no time in slipping my panties off and spreading my legs. For a few seconds, he stares at me disbelievingly. He scoots back up and kisses me hungrily. “I never thought I would ever see you like this again.” His lips move down my neck; he kisses each breast and slowly licks his way down to my core. “You taste even better than before.” He holds my hands down as I try to lead him back up to me. “No, not yet,” he murmurs against my skin. He goes slowly, tentatively, the way we memorized each other the last time we were truly together.

When he’s ready, he slinks his way back up towards my face and gently holds my head in place with his hands next to my ears. “Look at me, Issy,” he whispers as I move my lips up to meet his. One strong thrust and he is inside me.

“Jess!” I moan.

“Stop thinking, Iss. Let go. We both have to let go of everything. I’m inside you, feel me moving inside you. It’s me, Issy. The one who’s loved you for so long. Me.”

“Yes, Jess, you,” I pant, my mouth buried in the sweet ridge of his neck. “Thank you for loving me.”

I get lost in the physical closeness of our contact, but only for a moment. We just don’t fit together very well. He has overshot my head because of his height, and I close my eyes and imagine Alex.
Alex fits me just perfectly.
His body molds into mine without any effort.

He spreads my legs and hooks my knees on top of his arms while he moves in and out, his eyes staring right at me, his two hands holding my breasts. I’m starting to remember. He’s thick and hard and stretching me to the core. He’s also gentler, slower and much less intense. Ultimately, the feelings I have are no longer indescribable. Years ago, I had clung to these moments without thought, without reason. They defined who I was. Tonight, being with Jesse—this—reminds me of who I no longer am.

“Come with me, Iss, I’m there!”

I am taken aback by the intensity of his orgasm. I let out a whimper as he delivers that one last push that pierces through me and causes him to convulse in my arms. I don’t come despite his demand. He doesn’t say a word, but just releases my legs and slumps down on me, his breath ragged and his heart beating wildly against my chest.