Hiss Me Deadly (9 page)

"Hghurry," said Balthazar Boa. "The copsss..."

Squinchy Eye grinned. "They're busy putting out the fire."

"W-what fire?" I asked, still unsteady.

"The one we started with fireworks, of course." He gave a yank on the egg.

"Cgh-careful," choked the boa.

Paralyzed by Bozo-phobia, my mind was as gummed up as the bottom of a balcony seat at the movies. Should I run for help? Should I try to fight the goons? Or should I just curl into a ball and hide?

I hugged my arms and fought for control. The clowns seemed huge and hideous, bulging with jolly menace. I bit my lip and forced myself to look at them without bawling like a baby.

The iguanas were stretching the boa like a
fourteen-foot rubber band. Nose Ring dug in his heels and pulled the tail for all he was worth, while his partner kept tugging at the bulge.

Soon they'd have the egg.

For my sister, for my school, I had to stop them. Painfully, with all my limbs shaking, I stood up straight.

"Hgh! Khaugh!" choked Bal Boa, eyes popping.

Squinchy Eye worked the egg closer and closer to the snake's mouth. And then, just behind the jaws, it stuck fast.

"Pull!" cried Nose Ring.

Knees knocking louder than a pushy door-to-door salesman, I took a step toward them.

"I'm pulling," said Squinchy Eye.

"Phugh hghagha!" choked the snake.

"Oy fink 'e said,
Pull 'arder
;" said Nose Ring.

Sweat popped on my forehead. I managed another step, and another.

Squinchy Eye took a fresh grip and braced himself. "All right, mate, big jerk on three. One ... two ... three!"

The iguanas leaned in opposite directions, and—
thoom!
—the Flubberjee Egg flew from the boa's jaws, bounced off Squinchy Eye's forehead, and sailed straight toward me.

Though my brain still felt frozen, instinct took
over. My tongue zipped out, wrapped around the egg, and reeled it in.

Unfortunately, I hadn't realized how heavy it was.

Whump!

The Flubherjee Egg hit the floor, bruising my poor tongue in the process.

Pain is a good waker-upper. I reeled in my stinger, jumped forward, and snatched up the treasure in my arms.

"Get it!" cried the boa.

The iguanas closed in. I dodged and ducked under their grabs.

"Block the door!" grunted Squinchy Eye to his fellow clown. Nose Ring trotted back to the entrance.

I tried to squeeze out under the tent wall, but it was nailed down. Squinchy Eye snatched at me again. I spun away.

The boa was scaling the tent frame, cutting off another getaway route. (Not that I could climb the walls with the bulky egg in my arms.)

How could I escape?

"It's no use, Gecko," said Squinchy Eye. "Cry uncle!"

I raced through the tent, darting between the displays. Squinchy Eye popped up behind the pyramids and sent me doubling back, and then—

Floomp!
The sky fell on me.

I hit the floor, with the treasure beneath me.

The great weight pinning me down turned out to be the back half of Balthazar Boa, which was quickly encircling my legs.

"Hey!" I cried, kicking.

No use. The coils wound higher.

I lurched upright, arms clutching the Flubberjee Egg.

The boa's face dropped in front of me. "Give it," he said. "It'sss mine."

"Never!" I blustered.

Things were starting to look as bleak as a week without water in the Kalahari Desert. Just then, the tent door opened, letting in a blast of afternoon sunlight.

The iguanas froze.

Was it the cops?

"
There
you are!" cried Shirley Chameleon.

"Shirley, help!" I said. "We can't let him get the—"

"I was so worried," she said. Emotions chased across her face like the monkey after the weasel. "And here I thought you were sick."

"I was, but then I—"

Shirley's eyes blazed. She brushed Nose Ring aside and stalked toward me. "Of all the rude, inconsiderate, two-faced—"

"Huh?"

"You agree to be my date, and then you
disappear?
I don't think so!" Shirley stood before me, hands on hips.

"But I was trying to,
ugh,
" I said as the snake squeezed my belly.

"
I don't care!
" yelled Shirley. "I'm so mad at you. See if I ever speak to you again!" She turned away.

"Wait!" I cried, struggling to catch a breath. "Call,
ugh,
Mr. Zero. Tell him the,
ugh,
thief is—"

"Typical!" said Shirley. "Always wrapped up in your stupid detective games, and no time for relationships."

"But—" I gasped.

She flounced toward the exit. "You can do your own errands, Mr. PI Gecko. I wash my hands of you!"

The door closed behind her.

"Now where were we?" said Balthazar Boa. "Oh, yesss. You were about to give me the egg."

His coils tightened even more, crushing all the air from my chest.

My sides ached. My head began to pound like King Kong playing a jungle drum solo.
Must breathe,
said my lungs, but I had no answer for them.

"Take it from him," said the snake.

Through my dimming vision, the iguana clowns
sauntered forward. They took the Flubberjee Egg, easy as slurping mosquito larva from a barrel.

"
Ugh!
" I choked out.

The world was growing darker, darker. Then, in the midst of the darkness, a light!

Was I passing over to the Other Side?

Was this the end of Chet Gecko?

"Drop that lizard!" a voice growled.

Apparently the spirits on the Other Side sounded just like Big Fat Zero.

I squinted into the light.

The principal stood in the doorway, flanked by two cops and a mockingbird. "Do it now!" he snapped.

The coils relaxed. I sagged to my knees.

Air rushed into my lungs like preschoolers into a pool party. I sucked in one breath, then another. Oxygen had never tasted so good—better than a triple-decker centipede brownie cake with banana-slug icing.

"Took you ... long enough," I rasped.

Natalie rushed to my side. "Easy, partner."

"Nice delaying action, Gecko," said Principal Zero, padding forward.

"Had him right... where I wanted him," I said.

The cops took the jeweled egg from Squinchy Eye and Nose Ring, and then slapped the handcuffs on them.

But they'd forgotten about one crook.

"You'll never catch me, coppersss!" Balthazar Boa snarled. He slithered for the tent pole and began to climb.

Bzzzzkt!

Thump!

An electric shock from a flatfoot's stun gun dropped the big snake back to earth.

While the cops rolled the boa up like a fire hose and bound him with duct tape, Principal Zero grilled the iguanas. They sang like a boy band—a boy band full of ugly criminals made up to look like Bozo.

Turns out, Balthazar Boa had put together a slick little theft ring at Emerson Hicky. A half-dozen sixth-grade thieves lifted the loot, which they then passed to Luz by smooching. Since she could go anywhere unchallenged, the hall monitor carried the goods in her puffy cheeks all the way to the boa's tree.

"What about the computers?" said Mr. Zero.

"They was too 'eavy," said Nose Ring. "So we nicked 'em at night."

Something was bugging me. "But how did you get into the classrooms in the first place?" I asked.

"The janitor," said Squinchy Eye.

Natalie gasped. "Not Maureen DeBree!"

"Nah," said Nose Ring. "The rabbit."

"She unlocked the classrooms; we gave her some dough for her family," said Squinchy Eye. He shook his head. "Shoot. And it was such a sweet setup."

"Tell it to the judge," said Principal Zero.

The cops started to lead the deflated-looking iguanas away.

"Wait," I said, walking up to Nose Ring. "Those pearls don't match your outfit." I unclasped the necklace and pocketed it.

He sulked. "That's no way to treat a lady."

The flatfoots marched their captives out, rolling the coiled snake between them like a floppy wheel.

Outside the tent, the fair was still in full swing. Kids munched cotton-candy dragonflies, played ringtoss, dunked teachers, and gabbed with friends. They had no clue what had gone down inside the big tent.

A detective's job is a thankless one.

Principal Zero clapped his paws onto Natalie's and my shoulders. "Good work, private eyes. You deserve a reward."

Well, maybe not
entirely
thankless.

"That's not necessary, sir," said Natalie.

I elbowed her. "Now, now. Don't insult our principal."

The huge cat steered us over to the refreshment booth and plunked a bill onto the counter. My eyes grew big at the sight of cotton candy, butterscotch sweat bees, horsefly pie, and candied apple worms.

"How about a firm handshake and a warm soda?" said Mr. Zero.

He shook hands with each of us and bought us drinks.

"Uh, how about that free pass for the next three times I get in trouble?" I asked.

The cat smoothed his chin fur. "Let's see ... you didn't catch the thief on time, I had to pay for extra security from my own pocket, and you almost lost the egg," he said. "Gecko, you're lucky to get a soda."

That's our principal. All heart.

Natalie and I strolled through the fair, sipping our drinks. After what I'd been through, even the screeching fiddles of the hoedown seemed like a lullaby.

As we passed the dance floor, Shirley Chameleon was
do-si-doing
around Bo Newt. When she saw me, she stuck out her tongue and blew a loud raspberry.

"Haven't lost your touch with the ladies, I see," said Natalie.

"She says she never wants to speak to me again."

Natalie rested a wing tip on my arm. "Chet, I'm sorry to hear that."

"Sorry?" I said. "At least I got
some
kind of reward from this screwy case."

Across the way, I spotted my sister walking with my mom. "There's Pinky. She's been pretty worried. I should go over and break the good news."

"So you can have a tender brother-sister moment when you tell her how you got her out of trouble?" Natalie beamed.

I rolled my eyes. "Are you kidding? She owes me big-time, and I'm ready to start collecting."

Just then, Pinky spotted me. When she made with the anxious eyes, I gave her a discreet thumbs-up. My sister's smile lit up the fair.

I smiled back. After all, she may be a brat, but she's my brat.

Before I could join Pinky, Natalie pointed at the dunking booth. "Hey, isn't that your substitute teacher on the hot seat?"

I looked. Sure enough, a surly porcupine sat on her perch above the pool.

"Want to have a try after you talk to Pinky?" asked Natalie.

"Before," I said, crossing to the booth.

"But I thought family came first," she said.

I plunked four quarters down onto the counter. "Family reunions are sweet, my friend. But revenge is even sweeter."

"Aw, Chet, you don't mean that."

"Don't I?" I arched an eyebrow. "Just watch me, partner."

And I picked up the first softball.