Hold My Hand (15 page)

“This wine is new for you,
more robust and smoky than we’ve shared before. It suits our meal
tonight though.” William sipped from his glass and raised his
eyebrow in expectation until I lifted my glass to taste the wine.
The warm liquid rolled eagerly onto my tongue as I tasted the
flavors. It was extraordinary how wines came in so many varieties,
each different but no less wonderful than all the others. I relaxed
into my chair as I allowed the warmth from the wine, the amazing
tastes stroking on my tongue, to relax me.

Setting my glass down, I
smiled. It was a good feeling.

“You’re smiling. I can’t
tell you how happy it makes me to see you smile.” I couldn’t begin
to tell him how happy he made me. This made us even. I didn’t say
this, of course, but I was thinking it.

“Thank you.”

“Thank you,” William leaned
in to kiss me, “You’ve given me so many gifts since coming into my
life.”

The waiter interrupted our
moment. William turned his attention to our orders, listed what
we’d be having, and the waiter left in a scurry. William told him
we’d like our food quickly tonight and it seemed even the waiter
bows to his demands.

“Aubrey, you remember when
we talked about your dreams? I’ve let that go while we’ve worked on
other issues but now, I want to know. Tell me what you dream of.”
William sipped his wine and waited.

I fluttered my gaze
between his face and my wine glass. It shook in my hands as my
nerves began to rage. Dreams weren’t my favorite subject. It was
just too difficult to believe my dreams could come true.
You’ll be nothing. You’re a
nobody.
Why bother to
dream?

William reached out and took
my wine glass from me. He held it to my lips as I sipped from it.
“A sip for a thought,” he challenged.

“I dream of happiness,” I
answered in the vaguest way possible.

“And happiness comes
from?”

“Writing. I want to publish
some of my writing,” I admitted, unsure if I’d ever said those
words aloud. I’d definitely not shared them with William. He was
successful and wealthy. Next to his accomplishments, my dream
seemed inconsequential.

“Have you always wanted to
be an author?” William appeared genuinely interested, giving me his
full attention as he offered up another sip of wine. I was ensnared
by his presence as it surrounded me. Nothing existed beyond him and
me. My concerns silently slipped away as I focused on this
beautiful man.

“Yes. My mom says ever since
I read my first book,” I laugh at myself, “I spent my childhood
writing stories. They were awful but my sister Evelyn would read
each one and tell me it was wonderful.”

“Your sister was good to
you.”

“Yes. Evelyn encouraged me
to leave for college. She knew I was different and pushed me to
work hard. If it wasn’t for her, I’d never have received the
academic scholarship. And without the scholarship, I couldn’t
afford college.”

“I don’t think you’ve ever
spoken so positively about anyone in your family.”

“It’s easier to put them all
away and not think about them,” my voice caught. It was easier not
to talk about them because by leaving behind my father, it meant
letting go of relationships with my sisters and mother. That might
have been the worst thing he’d done to me.

William put down the wine
glass and leaned into me. He rubbed his nose along the side of my
cheek and whispered, “I want to make your dreams come true.”

I closed my eyes and
breathed him in. “You already have. I…” I swallowed because I
realized what I’d nearly been ready to say. It was the closest I’d
come to sharing how I truly felt.

“It’s okay. I know,” William
said as he sat back in his chair. Oddly enough, I actually thought
he did. The look in his eyes told me he knew what I nearly
shared.

I closed my eyes to regain
my composure and was relieved to see our food arrive as I opened
them again. William fed me heavenly bites of rosemary chicken and a
creamy potato dish. I savored each delicious bite and even played a
little when he fed me a baby carrot, sliding it between my lips
seductively. Seeing William tighten his jaw was worth the risk of
teasing him.

“I’ve been missing you while
I travel.” William actually looked nervous. I’d only seen this look
once before since his usual self-assured disposition usually wins
out. “I’d like for you to consider leaving the coffee shop to
travel with me. You can write while I work, be inspired by your
surroundings.”

“I need the job to pay my
bills.” I bit my lip. Admitting the need for such a small sum of
money was embarrassing while sitting with a man I suspected was
worth at least a million. We’ve never discussed finances openly and
I wasn’t sure I wanted to know but the general idea made me
shudder.

“
So move in with me.
I’ve wanted you to for a while and you’ve put me off but this
lifestyle –not seeing you for days at a time- isn’t working for me.
Move in with me. Then you’ll have no expenses to worry about.
You’ll be free to write.”

“I told you I don’t want to
live off of you.” I dared to raise my voice. We’d had this
conversation before and I’d been clear. I couldn’t allow him to pay
my way.

“I don’t care about
money.”

“Because you don’t have to,”
I mumbled.

“Aubrey, don’t mumble. It’s
rude.” William’s deep baritone voice wasn’t kind any more as he
grew angry. “You’re right. I don’t have to worry about money; which
means I can spend what I have, as I want. And I want to spend it on
a life with you.”

Stunned by his words, I sat
in silence. He’d never put it in these terms before and now it felt
different. This relationship –William and Aubrey- has become more
than I’d allowed myself to believe possible. Now I was sitting here
as he asked me to move in with him because he wanted to spend his
life with me. That’s big.

I swallowed down my nerves
as I reached for my wine glass, took a sip and worked on calming my
nerves. I fell back on the familiar and replied with a simple,
“Thank you, sir.”

William was amused. He was
happy too -his happiness written across his face- because this was
the first time this topic hadn’t dissolved into an argument. His
amusement, though, was what captured my attention.

“Sweet, sweet Aubrey, I can
tell you’re holding back. Perhaps we should discuss this at home
where you won’t feel the need to hold back.” The gleam in his eye
and the uncharacteristic wink he gave me made me shiver. “Let’s
finish our meal so we can head home.”

“Yes sir. I think that’s a
good idea.” I nodded my head in agreement just once before taking
another forkful of a meal I could no longer taste. My attention was
completely redirected. I chewed slowly and gratefully used the time
to regroup. I needed to consider this proposition.

“Have I spoiled your
appetite?”

“
No. This is just a
big step,” I answered him in a quiet voice, confused and disliking
how I was questioning William. I knew better than to do this. My
father taught me not to question authority.
You stupid girl, do as you’re told.
To question my father would’ve resulted
in a torrent of slurs about my stupidity.

“It’s the right step for us;
but yes, I would agree it’s a big one.”

I nodded but remained
silent, looking down at my hands in my lap.
You’ll never find someone to love you.
William was different from my father. I
had to stop the comparisons. It was driving me crazy. William was
asking for this, not demanding this. It was my choice. I got to
choose.

William reached across and
fed me from his fork. I focused on his hands, his fingers as they
held the fork and fed me. I’d begun thinking of William as my
nourishment only to worry it could be taken away. He feeds a need
inside me that went unfulfilled until I met him, a need I never
knew I had until he exposed me to his lifestyle. Now, I couldn’t
imagine my life any different than it has become. Yet, I felt so
conflicted. I wanted to scream at the frustration as the
butterflies once inhabiting my stomach now felt more like
bumblebees.

“
You understand that
you must choose, Aubrey. It’s all or nothing with us. Either you
accept us for what we are together or you reject us. I want a life
with you, a future, but you have to first decide if this is what
you want.”

“William, please. I just
need some time.”

“
You. Do. Not.”
William cut me off, speaking each word with determined emphasis.
His voice halted any argument I would make. “Do you remember in the
beginning? You were so new to everything but you trusted me to take
care of you. I only want to continue doing that for you, for us. So
the only question is whether or not you trust me.”

“It can’t always be that
simple.”

“
It is. I need you in
my life every day,” William paused for a sip of wine and expelled a
long breath. “Do you trust me, Aubrey? It all comes down to that.
It truly is that simple.”

I considered his question
and knew my answer but couldn’t bring myself to say the words, to
acknowledge these feelings rolling through me. I chewed my lip and
held my tongue.

“You will not lie, Aubrey,
nor will you ignore me. I asked a simple question that requires a
simple reply. Do you trust me?” His words demanded an answer.

“Yes.” My voice was quiet
but I knew he heard me when I saw his lips quirk up, believing I
had agreed to stay. His grin dropped and his eyes turned to molten
brown when I continued, “But I still need some time. Perhaps I’m
still a caterpillar after all.” I stood, turned and walked away
before I could second-guess my decision. I’d used my safeword for
the first time.

*****

After brooding alone all day
Saturday, I set out for mass on Sunday morning. I needed my weekly
ritual more than ever before. I’d astounded myself by walking away
from William. He’d astounded me even more by not following me. He
must’ve phoned Baylor though because he was waiting for me and
insisted on driving me home when he saw me exit alone.

As Baylor opened the door to
leave me at my apartment, he’d been more expressive than ever when
he spoke to me. “He cares about you. He’s different when he’s with
you.”

His observation stunned me.
It was eye opening to hear that from someone else. “Thank you,
Baylor,” I smiled as I moved towards my apartment door.

“I hope we see each other
again,” Baylor called out and drove off.

Now after our time apart, I
wasn’t any closer to resolution. As I entered the church, I kept my
head bowed as usual so others wouldn’t attempt to interact with me.
I found my regular pew in one of the corners, drew the kneeler down
and kneeled to pray. I’d come earlier than normal in hopes that
praying here would help open my mind and help me find resolution. I
recited the prayers I’d memorized since I was young but for the
second time since meeting William, I couldn’t actually recall what
I’d said once I’d finished. Worry swamped me when I considered what
I’d potentially lost by walking away.

I was empty, a desperate
hollowness crippled me. Despite being led to William, I ran from
him. I’d found happiness only to question the morality in it. Why
couldn’t it be simple? I knew the relationship I had with William
might not have been what some believe was the church’s teachings.
Yet, I returned to the doctrine of the family and I wanted to argue
the point. How was what I experienced with William wrong? Flashes
of articles I’d read, years of learning of sexual depravity, men
who dominate women and the injustice of women’s oppression circle
my thoughts. Even here, in mass, I found no relief.

The music began as the
organist played the first notes of Amazing Grace, a song that
captured my heart each time I heard it. I closed my eyes and
relaxed into the powerful words. It had never failed to soothe me
even during those times I wished I could’ve been anyone other than
who I was, someone better than who I believed myself to be.

I once was lost but now
am found… Was blind, but now, I see… T'was Grace that taught... my
heart to fear... And Grace, my fears relieved... How precious did
that Grace appear... the hour I first believed.

Reminded of William’s urging
–suspend your judgment, he’d implored me- I considered the
lifestyle I entered into with William. Could it be that I found
this lifestyle, that I found William, through His Grace? Still, the
desire to want to be a subservient woman seems so counter-intuitive
in this time where women are strong and liberated. Does this even
matter to me?

Through many dangers,
toils and snares... we have already come… T'was Grace that brought
us safe thus far... and Grace will lead us home… Amazing Grace, how
sweet the sound… That saved a wretch like me... I once was lost but
now am found… Was blind, but now, I see.

I breathed in the familiar
scent of burning incense and the melting candle wax. Deep breaths
helped to calm me as mass began and the familiarity comforted me. I
wondered whether my reservations about our relationship were really
about these feelings of shame I seemed to be carrying. Yet the
emotional pull was beyond all reason. My relationship with William
was about love and self-acceptance. It was about commitment and
trust. We’d developed a friendship beyond the submission and
discipline, which had contented both of us. I simply wanted him. I
realized walking away was dictated more by rational thoughts than
feeling.

I gave up my thoughts as the
priest began his homily and I listened intently to his message,
focused on the rituals of the mass, and embraced the safety of its
structure as I allowed myself to let my troubles go for just an
hour.