Hold My Heart (19 page)

My eyes burn with the tears I’m holding at bay. I’m homesick for something I never had and will never have. Instantly, Carol embraces me and then holds my face up with her tender hands.

“Everything is going to be fine, you’ll see.” She smiles but her eyes show sadness.

That does it. I’m about to lose the little composure I have. I need to get away, now.

“Well, good night.” I rush out of the kitchen and head upstairs to MJ’s bedroom without looking back.

قلب

Carol’s statement, how my mother might be worried sick, makes me think of Sophia. What a joke. My mother probably doesn’t even know I’m missing. I haven’t seen the woman since my high school graduation. The only reason she showed was because stepdad number one was going to be there, and she wanted to keep pretenses.

Staff Sergeant Carlos Ramirez married Sophia when I was two, and divorced her cheating ass six years later. He was the closest I ever had to a real dad. He tried keeping me after the divorce, but Sophia wouldn’t give me up. I was her meal ticket until I was sixteen. Even though he wasn’t my biological or adoptive father, he paid child support for my sake. He sent cards for my birthdays and holidays, stuffed with money. Money that helped me when I really needed it. After remarrying and having kids of his own, he still called, but he’d moved on with his new life and his new family, and I didn’t want to be a burden.

By the time guy number four took that field trip to my bedroom, Sophia was done with me. But then again, she always did pick
them
over me. Last time I heard from her, she called the FBI office so I could get her current boyfriend out of jail. Said I owed her, that after everything she had done for me, it was the least I could do. Yeah, I guess she had a point. I should have thanked her for kicking me out and getting me away from her and that sick son of a bitch.

A knock on the door snaps me to attention.

“May I come in?” Carol calls as MJ’s door opens with a slow creak.

“Yes please.” I blink rapidly and get my bearings. Our brief interaction in the kitchen exposes those raw spots deep inside that still exist within me, the pieces of that little girl that grew up without knowing what motherly love meant.

Carol enters the bedroom, going straight for the window. She opens it to let the cool evening air in, making the lace curtains in her youngest daughter's bedroom wave playfully against the breeze. I keep the windows shut, not able to get used to their open door and window practice.

Finding the window closed once again makes her chuckle. “We told you there's no need to close the windows, Lily.”

“I know. Can't help it I guess,” I say, facing Carol once I feel more in control.

“Can we chat, dear?” Carol asks as she sits by the bed, patting the side, motioning for me to sit.

Carol wants to talk? Shit
. This can’t be good.

Chapter 18

You don’t belong here. She’s kicking you out. Just like your mother did
.

That little voice inside my head, the one echoing my greatest fears, is at it again.

I nod hesitantly, taking a seat on the bed. I keep my hands wound together, fidgeting with my dress—or rather, Mary's dress. It’s going to hurt once I'm gone. Not for them, but for me. I’ve let them get way too close.

“Can I be frank?” Carol initiates the conversation, turning to me. Her entire demeanor has changed since we talked in the kitchen that night with Will. She’s attentive and worried about me, yet somehow, I don’t know, different. Not so much the motherly Carol she is around her children, but a woman-to-woman Carol.

“Yes.” I’m apprehensive, my every muscle tense. I’ve overstayed my welcome. She
is
going to kick me out.

Taking a deep cleansing breath, she braces herself for whatever she’s about to say.

“I know you’re not my daughter, and honestly, I get the feeling there’s more to you than a young woman showing up out of nowhere.” Before I have a chance to respond, she continues. “I don’t mind it. You’ve done something I thought was impossible, and that’s bring me my boy back.”

She reaches for my hands, and anxiety surges through me. This is too intimate, too personal like she’s confiding something. I don’t even know how to act. I keep my gaze downcast, avoiding eye contact.

“You’ve brought him back, Lily. He’s back to the boy I raised, more than he’s been since he came home from the war.”

I shake my head, speechless. I didn’t do anything. I open my mouth, but she stops me.

“He kept that house, to hide from us. Now he’s smiling again, opening up. You did that, Lily, you did. Gave him back hope. And I’m grateful for that.” Her bright blue eyes are glossy, full of unshed tears, her perfect brow curved in anguish. “Grateful, for you.”

Her hands are squeezing me so hard in what seems like gratitude. The pain in my chest immobilizes me. My throat clogged with bottled up emotions fighting to escape to the surface. I push them down, swallowing thick pain and vulnerability, burying everything deep inside of me.

“I didn’t do anything, Carol, and as far as Will and me…” I pause because even I don’t know what’s going on between us. I can’t explain something I don’t understand myself.

“I know I’m meddling.” She turns to face me, her delicate features showing years of worry, love, patience, and pain. “But I’m a true believer that everything happens for a reason, and my heart tells me there’s a reason why you’re here.”

Just when I think I’m in command of my emotions, Carol’s hand reaches for my cheek. Instantly, my eyes dart away to the open window, staring into the night, and I flinch slightly at her warm, affectionate touch.

“And what you said over dinner, it’s not true.” Her voice is low and compassionate, the feel of her gaze so intense it makes me squirm. “There’s someone out there looking for you, right now, someone that loves you and misses you terribly. I'm sure of that.”

Her words are like a punch in my gut. My knees would have given out had I been standing, her statement disarming me, breaking through my armor. Armor I’ve worked long and hard to build, and wear like a protective shield around my heart. My vision blurs and I struggle not to blink. I don’t want her to see me like this.

Before I can utter a word, she spares me.

“Listen to me flapping my gums.” She chuckles, wiping her cheek quickly and sniffling. “I’ll let you rest, dear.” She rises from the bed, giving me a genuine smile.

Rushing to the door, she turns one last time. “Goodnight, Lily.”

I’m still rooted to the spot, sitting on the bed, my cheek already cold from missing her reassuring touch.

“Goodnight, Carol.” The door is creaking closed when I finally snap out of it.

“Carol?” I call after her and the creaking stops.

She’s eyeing me in question.

“Thank you.” The words leave my lips as I turn and look in her general direction, despite the fact that everything in the room is blurry.

She gives me a warm smile and a wink, then, she’s gone.

I’m not going to cry. The pressure on my chest increases, like an invisible force is sitting on it, pressing more and more, trying to make me burst. Managing a deep breath, I push her away in my mind. I push them all away, slowly putting my armor back together, restoring the walls that took me years to erect and Carol almost crumbled in minutes.

That was close. Too close. I need to get out of here, soon. I crawl into MJ’s bed, and hug a pillow against me, trying to hold myself together. Being here, in this house, surrounded by a real family, reminds me more than ever how messed up my life really is.

Back in the present, I can blend in. Here, I stick out like a sore thumb. Can they see how fucked up I am just by looking at me? After experiencing this warm, functional family, I now realize how cursed I truly am.

Is that how I got here? Because I’m cursed? Shit. I always used the word as a reflection of my mother’s legacy of loneliness and a loveless life, not as an actual, living curse that would toss me across time. But then, if I hadn’t been, I never would have met Will, Carol, Mary, MJ, and Doc. My chest aches at the thought of them, and the fact that I can’t have what they have stings even more.

This damn mess is driving me nuts. My sanity is teetering between reality and ludicrous, my weirdo meter at maximum capacity. When was the last time I was able to sleep peacefully? Probably at Tommy’s place.

God, I hate driving up there. His apartment is a true man cave: messy, smelly, and cluttered. Last time I was there, was when Chris and Nelson started seeing each other. She’d been dying to catch a Cubs’ game from Tommy’s place. He got roped into hosting a BBQ on game day and dragged me right along into his social nightmare. He begged, complained, and finally guilt-tripped me into helping.

“This is your fault, Lil. If you hadn’t introduced them, I wouldn’t have to host dinner!”

So, I caved.

I avoid his place like the plague. That’s where Tommy brings his women, and I don’t want anything to do with that part of his life, so I stay away.

That week before the barbecue had been brutal. The case we were working on had taken its toll on me mentally and physically, depriving me of countless hours of sleep. I was exhausted. On that weekend, I worked on our paperwork, filed and closed the case so Tommy could spend time tidying up his apartment.

The day of the party, I arrived with the supplies from his endless text messages requiring multiple stops. I took over the kitchen so he could work on setting up the balcony and then shower to get ready for his guests. All I remember is how drained I was, barely able to move my feet, but for him I kept working. Tommy was out of the shower, ready for his guests with time to spare.

“Why don’t you take a load off, Lil,” he said as he motioned me toward him.

Stretched out lazily on his leather sofa, head leaning against the backrest, he casually propped his feet up on the coffee table. I’ll never forget my reaction when I turned and saw him.

His hair was still wet from the shower, his body covered with mist, making his arms and chest glisten in the afternoon sun. He was only wearing a pair of gym shorts. No shirt. No shoes. Every muscle was visible. Every contour from his pectorals, all the way down to his hips, his gym shorts resting just below the V, where his abs ended and his crotch began. Each exquisite corded muscle on his legs outlined and exposed.

“I’m done with the kitchen stuff.” It was all I could mutter.

My hands shook. He shook me.

This is why I avoid Tommy socially as much as I can. He has been the only person to get close enough to reach a part of me no one else could. The part I try to keep hidden because if I let it show, it will make me vulnerable. Tommy gets too close sometimes, and he knows it.

That was why I pulled away instantly and walked to the opposite side of his living room.

“Why don’t you lie down? We can watch a movie, we have time,” he said casually, staring at his TV.

“I’m fine.” He knew I was lying, but he kept pressing.

“Jesus, Harper, seriously? I won’t bite.” His smile faltered a bit. “Come on, I promise.”

He spoke in a soft tone like he was trying to coax a spooked animal. He grabbed a throw pillow and leaned it against his lap, then tapped it for me to join him. In true Tommy fashion, he kept bugging me until I caved. Before I approached him, he asked me to unlock the door if that helped. I laughed. Silly, but it did help. I felt safe, like we were just two good friends, watching a movie. Nothing more.

“Great, you stink, Harper. I might have to shower again,” he said into my ear as I gingerly burrowed my head on the throw pillow, and then quickly smacked his solid abs. He flinched and chuckled.

There I was, stretched out on his sofa facing outward; I’ve never felt as safe and cared for in my life as I did at that moment. His scent of clean soap and light cologne cleared my head, and his cool skin close to mine was refreshing. In less than a minute, my eyes were struggling to stay open.

“Don’t fight it, Lil,” he murmured as he gently rubbed my earlobe between his index finger and thumb, lightly brushing a few strands of hair back.

I slept like the dead that afternoon. I’m not sure for how long but recall the feeling of peace throughout my entire being, until voices and chuckles filtered into my consciousness.

I woke up with Tommy’s face just inches from mine, staring down at me, laughing and talking to Chris. Apparently, drool was dripping down my chin.

“Good afternoon, snoring beauty!” Tommy teased, and they laughed, which earned him another ‘asshole’ from me. I sprang off the couch and quickly ran into the bathroom to clean up before the guys got there.

What I wouldn’t give for that kind of peace and safety right now. With him, I don’t need my full armor; I can take off some pieces, leaving the bare essentials. Even just for a little while, the shit weighing me down disappears, and I can be myself.

I miss Tommy. I wish Colton were here, too.

Funny how the same person is two
different
people to me. I miss my best friend Tommy, but I also miss my partner Colton. I need them both. I need my best friend to assure me that no, I’m not losing my mind, and I need my partner to help me solve this screwed up mess.

I close my eyes and think about the peace I felt that afternoon in Tommy’s arms. Taking deep breaths, I try to recall that sense of safety and security as calmness begins soothing my tired bones. I imagine his fingers gently touching my earlobe, the light tickle soothing my nerves.

I’m safe, protected. Eventually, slumber claims me and my present reality, at least for now, is but a distant memory.

قلب

Saturday morning when I enter the kitchen, I find Carol on the phone.

“Yes, Albert, she’s here.” Carol looks in my direction and covers the receiver. “It’s Doc. He wants to talk to you.” She hands me the phone, and I thank her. Smiling, she walks away to give me privacy.

Doc and I have been brainstorming some ideas on how and why I came here. I figured since he’s a medical doctor, and I’m a behavioral science major, we should be able to figure how I ended up in May of 1944 from October 2013. Doc theorizes that time might be fluid, therefore traveling through time is sort of a crapshoot; like trying to land a parachute on a moving target, you’re not going to hit the bulls-eye. As to how—or why—it happened, we have yet to figure out how in the hell it works. Maybe he finally came up with a theory since my only idea involves the field at the Shaw farm. Will doesn’t know Doc has been working with me on this because every time I bring up the subject, he doesn’t want to talk about it.

“Hey, what’s up, Doc?” I always wanted to say that.

“Well, I’ll be darned. Do they still have Bugs Bunny seventy years from now?” Doc chuckles into the phone.

“Heck yeah, Bugs is a classic. So what’s going on?”

Doc hesitates before speaking.

“All right, I don’t know what to make of this.” I sense he’s trying to choose his words carefully. “Sue, my son’s fiancée, just left my office.”

I’ve forgotten Doc has a son, Al Jr., away fighting at war. I don’t know where he’s going with this, but I give him a chance to continue.

“Yeah?”

“She finally came to see me after feeling sick. Seems she had some scratches and bruises, and when I questioned her, first she said she fell, but I knew better. She finally admitted she had been attacked behind the factory.”

Shit.

“Is she all right?” I ask with hesitation. Not in a million years would I have guessed the woman being pushed around behind the factory was Doc’s future daughter-in-law.

“Thanks to you she is. When she relayed her story of a woman coming to help, I immediately thought of you.” Great. So much for keeping a low profile.

“Could have been someone else, Doc, what makes you think it was me?”

“Because she saw the man the next day nursing some bruises of his own, and I know you’re an officer of the law. You don’t know how much this means to me—”

I cut him off. “Hold up, Doc. What do you mean she saw this man the next day, does she
know
him?”