Hold On Tight (Take My Hand) (13 page)

~Emily~

Chris
and I got back
from the pub around 10 PM. We were both merrily tipsy – not so drunk we
were falling over, but not sober enough to focus so deeply on life’s crap. It
didn’t last long though. Kicking off my tan pumps and slouching back onto the
couch, my new best friend Guilt came to visit. I welcomed the feeling the
alcohol brought. I relished the numbness and the fact it helped me forget
things. It was then I realised just how easy it would be to become dependant on
it. If every time the numbness wore off all that was left was pain and torment,
I suddenly understood why someone would go back for more.

Why
Dexter
would go back for
more.

“I miss you,” I whispered out loud into the empty air.

“Right,” Chris said, barging into the living room with a determined look
on his face. Being so busy wallowing, he startled me and I jumped. “An Officer
and a Gentleman, Ghost or Dirty Dancing?” He fanned out the DVD’s in his hands
like a deck of cards and my heart melted.

“When did you get those?” I asked curiously, feeling both grateful and
loved at the knowledge Chris would only have my three favourite films of all
time in his hands if he’d gone out especially to buy them for me.

“I don’t know what you mean. These have been at the top of my collection
for years,” he teased with a wink. “How about a movie marathon. We’ll watch all
three with shit loads of Haagen Dazs and caramel cookies. What’d ya say?”

“I say bring it on…”

We started with Dirty Dancing and I didn’t care that I was making a holy
show of myself when I demonstrated some of my best moves in the middle of the
living room. As always, I blubbed like a baby when Johnny came to get Baby from
the corner and then I sang my heart out to The Time of My Life.

Ghost was up next and I got to spend another couple of hours drooling
over Patrick Swayze. My eyes were literally burning by the time he disappeared into
the light. Chris looked at me like I was a spoon short of a cutlery drawer so I
slapped his arm and told him he was dead inside.

By the time we got round to An Officer and a Gentleman my belly was so
full of ice cream and cookies I swear the overspill was trying to crawl up my
throat to escape. Sleepiness started tickling at my eyes – taunting me…
trying to lure me into the nightmares I knew I would have.

“I’ll sleep on the floor in your room if you want,” Chris offered. I
curled my arms around my bent knees and looked at him quizzically. “I know
you’re afraid to go to sleep, Emmie. That’s why I got these films… but you
can’t stay awake forever.”

Oh, Chris… He his eyes were dull with tiredness and worry and I didn’t
like being responsible for that.

“I had no idea that’s what this movie night was about,” I muttered,
feeling slightly embarrassed.

“Hey, it wasn’t just about that,” he assured softly, scooting closer to
me and wrapping one arm around my shoulder. Instinctively I snuggled into it.
He made me feel safe and protected – loved unconditionally. “You’re my
baby sister, Emmie. I don’t like seeing you hurting and I just want to take it
away for you.”

I want that too.

“I’ll be okay,” I lied. “You’re not sleeping on a hard floor for me.
You’re only in the next room.”

“I’d sleep on a bed of fucking lava if I thought you’d get a decent
nights sleep.” Seriously, I have the Best. Brother. Ever.

“I love you, bro,” I declared with a heartfelt, grateful smile. “And I’m
so thankful for everything you’ve done for me.” He cocked a curious eyebrow as
though he genuinely had no idea how much he meant to me. “For letting me stay,
getting me a job at the garage, looking out for me… I’d be so lost without
you.”

“No you wouldn’t,” he declared sternly, making me feel like I’d said
something wrong. After a long pause he dragged in a deep breath and carried on.
“You’re a strong young woman, Emmie. You’ve never really had anyone, you had to
bring yourself up, find your own way… yet you’re still so open. You care so
much about people even though you’ve been let down so often and I really admire
that.”

“No one’s let me down,” I countered.

“That’s exactly what I mean. You refuse to see the bad in people and
while sometimes I worry that’s gonna make you a pushover, I also think it
proves what an amazing person you are. Like I said before, I’m proud of you.”

I smiled warmly but once again those niggling worries seeped into my
veins.

“Are you okay, Chris?” His eyebrow shot up, silently asking me to
elaborate. “You’re not usually so gushy that’s all.”

“What’s wrong with letting my baby sister know that she’s special?” he
said seriously. “That doesn’t mean you’re not an annoying little twerp at
times,” he teased.

“Nob head.”

“Hey no swearing or I’ll tell Mum and Dad.”

“If I thought that was all it would take to get you guys talking again,
I’d swear more often.” It made me sad that they didn’t see each other, even
though I didn’t blame Chris one iota. It was all my parents’ doing –
especially my mums. They turned their back on
him
for not living up to their fancy-pants standards. It was in
that moment I realised they still didn’t know I’d dropped out of Uni and my
heart sank as I wondered if I’d be the next in line to be exiled from the
family.

“Don’t, Emmie. You know that was their choice.” Chris’ eyes dropped to
the floor and it was the first time I’d ever seen that look in his eyes.

Regret.

“Come on,” I said, turning back to the TV. “Sid’s about to kill
himself.” I really should’ve announced a spoiler alert there in case you haven’t
seen it. Sorry.

Smiling at me, Chris patted his knee and I laid my head on it and swung
my legs over the edge of the couch. Then I forced all thoughts that didn’t
revolve around Richard Gere out of my mind and focused on the TV.

**********

I woke with a jolt to the sound of my phone ringing. As my neck snapped
up I realised I’d fallen asleep on Chris’ lap. The DVD was stuck on the title
page and Chris’ head was flopped backwards as he continued to snore away. As I
peeled myself carefully off his lap to get my phone I hoped he hadn’t stayed in
such an uncomfortable position just because he didn’t want to disturb me.

My phone was on the coffee table, vibrating against the glass, and when
I leaned over and picked it up… I stopped breathing.

“Sarah?” I answered in a panic, knowing she always works out the time
difference before calling. She wouldn’t call knowing it was the middle of the
night here unless it was an emergency.

“I’m sorry for calling so late,” she said. Her voice was low and raspy.
She was crying. Part of me was so terrified of what she was about to say I
wanted to throw the phone to the ground and stamp on it. “It’s um… just…”

“Sarah what is it?” I snapped unintentionally. “What’s happened?”

“It’s Dexter…” Heart breaking sadness laced her voice, making it
tremble. Oh my God. “He OD’d this morning.”

~Emily~

No
.

God no.

Please God no.

My legs refused to support me any longer and I collapsed onto the couch,
instantly rousing Chris.

“Emmie?” he pressed, placing a cautious hand on my shoulder. I ignored
him completely.

“Is he… he’s not…”

Please God don’t let him be…

“No, honey. He’s in the hospital. They’ve pumped his stomach to remove
the alcohol and he’s receiving intravenous hydration for hyperthermia. He’s-”

“That means he’s too cold right?” I interrupted, confused. Chris nudged
me again and mouthed ‘what’s going on’. Again, I ignored him, waving him off
with my hand.

“No – that’s hy
po
thermia.
This is the opposite. His body temperature has risen to a dangerous level. He’s
tachycardic and has had several seizures. They’ve administered benzodiazepines
and are hoping things will start to settle down soon. He’s in a bad way,
Emily.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’ll call you for the details of the
hospital when I land.” Sarah didn’t argue with me – she knew there’d be
no point. All I got in response was a sniffling of tears.

“It’ll be okay now, honey. You’ll see. Now he’s here, he’ll be forced
into facing this. We’re going to get him back… I just know it.” I nodded to
myself - waves of fear, confusion and utter panic rolling like cement in my
belly.

“I’ll be in touch soon,” I said, raking my fingers through my hair.
“Tell him I love him. I don’t care if he can’t hear you… just… tell him.”

I was already walking to my room to pack some things before I’d even
hung up the phone. I was rifling through my wardrobe when Chris put his hand on
my shoulder and spun me around to face him. It made me jump – I’d
completely forgotten he existed.

“What the hell’s going on, Emmie?”

“It’s Dexter. He’s in the hospital. I need to arrange a flight. Can I
borrow some money for my ticket? I’ll give it back to you, I promise. Where the
hell is my rucksack? I need to-”

“Emily stop!” he ordered firmly, pulling me back up as I bent down to
search under the bed for my bag. “What’s happened? Tell me!”

“He’s been in an accident.” I didn’t plan to lie to him – it just
fell out of my mouth without thinking. “I need to get to him.” Chris scratched
his head in confusion while I continued my assault through my drawers.

“But… you’re not together?” he questioned, forcing his eyebrows
together.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t love him!” I blared. “I
need
to go, Chris. I don’t expect you to understand but please… I
need your help.”

“Then I’m coming with you.”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t just up and leave. You’re about to
start your own business.”

“Fuck the business, Emmie. Ernie will take care of it till I get back.”
I shook my head at him. “Look at you – you’re shaking. I don’t know what
the hell went on over there but you’ve not been the same since you got back.
I’m not letting you face that alone again. I’m coming.”

Damn. I couldn’t have Chris with me. He’d find out – he’d discover
the real reason I came home and he would hate Dexter. Plus, he would be
disappointed in me for still loving him.

“I really appreciate what you’re trying to do… but there’s not enough
time. You need to complete an ESTA before they’ll even let you board the plane.
I can’t afford to wait. I
need
to get
to him!”

“That takes a matter of minutes online. I’ve been to the US before,
Emmie… I know what I need.” He looked at me with a condescending eyebrow as if
he knew exactly what I was trying to do – put him off coming. “I’m coming
with you. End of story.”

By this point I was too frantic to care. I simply nodded at Chris and
returned to gathering my things. Chris disappeared into another room to find
the next available tickets and apply for his ESTA. I didn’t know how I was
going to explain everything to him and to be honest I didn’t particularly care
right now. All I cared about was getting to Dexter… I’d never needed to hold
someone so much in my life.

“We leave at three o’clock tomorrow,” Chris announced as I wheeled my
small suitcase into the living room.

“That’s too long!”

“Well I’m sorry, Emmie, but that’s the first one they’ve got.” I huffed
angrily and when I squeezed my eyes closed in frustration, it forced tears I
didn’t even know were hiding to escape.

“Did you sort your ESTA?” Please say no. Please say no. Please say no.

“Turns out the one I’ve got is still valid. Remember that trip to Vegas
I took with Ricky?” I nodded, feeling swamped with disappointment. His oldest
friend Ricky lives in Scotland so they don’t get to see each other much. They
took a holiday to Las Vegas together about eighteen months ago. “Well I got one
then and they’re valid for two years.”

“Great,” I lied with a fake smile.

“Well I’m going to pack some stuff. When I get back we’re going to talk.
I think you’re keeping things from me, Emmie… and I want to know what.”

Damn.

Nodding my head, I watched him disappear up the stairs. I totted up the
time I expected it would take for him to pack and reckoned I had about an hour
to conjure up some bullcrap. I noticed the time as I restlessly paced the room.
3 AM.
 
I still had twelve hours
before I would be making my way to Dexter and I had no idea how I was going to
survive that long.

**********

By the time we reached the airport Chris had given up trying to drag information
out of me… for now at least. Every time he broached the subject I would either
cry or scream at him and I think he eventually figured it’d be in his best
interest to back off if he valued his man bits.

Chris wandered off to browse the duty free shops while I stared out at
the planes. I could see the one we were due to board in forty minutes time and
when I saw the baggage handlers lazily loading the trolleys full of luggage
into the hold, I wanted to yell at them to hurry the hell up.

“Here,” Chris said, startling me from behind. I turned around sharply
and he handed me a pre-packed sandwich.

“Thanks,” I muttered dutifully. I couldn’t seem to summon hunger despite
not eating since yesterday, but I didn’t want to look ungrateful. Smiling
thankfully, I turned back to the window. I nursed the ham and cheese sandwich
in my hands for a while as I continued to watch the planes come and go. Every
so often I’d switch my focus to the information boards with the wild hope we
were departing early.

“You need to eat, Emmie. Come on, just try it,” Chris said, concern
oozing from his voice as he nudged my shoulder. Nodding weakly, purely to
appease him, I peeled back the cellophane lid and plucked out one half of my
sandwich. I ripped off tiny pieces with my fingers and reluctantly popped them
in my mouth. Ugh. Why do pre-packed things always taste of cardboard?

I managed to eat half of the disgusting sandwich before giving up and
throwing it in the bin. Chris let out a worried sigh, making me feel guilty for
not trying harder. After a wait that lasted a lifetime our flight was
eventually called and my heart catapulted up into my throat as I jumped from my
seat and grabbed my carry-on bag.

I was half way to the boarding gate when I looked back and saw Chris was
still sat down, rummaging through his bag.

“Come on!” I mouthed impatiently from across the lounge after waving my
hand to get his attention. I knew being on the plane early wouldn’t mean it
would take off any sooner but still, I was eager to be settled in my seat. I
felt like once my bag was in the overhead locker and my seatbelt was securely
fastened, I was officially on my way to Dexter’s side.

Take off was delayed by several minutes thanks some kind of issue on the
runway– though it felt like an eternity. By the time we were in the air
my fingers were drumming anxiously against the foldout table and my feet were
tapping furiously against the floor. I seriously didn’t know how I was going to
survive eight hours of this torture.

**********

“Emmie…” Chris was prodding my shoulder in attempt to wake me, even
though I wasn’t asleep. “We’re landing in five.”

“I know. I heard,” I mumbled, prizing my eyes open.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Shaking my head, I rubbed my weary eyes with my
knuckles. I looked at my watch and adjusted it accordingly. It was just gone 6
PM in Ohio and for the first time in my life I prayed. I prayed I would make it
in time to see Dexter tonight. I prayed that he would pull through this –
get better… move forward. And I prayed with every ounce of strength I had, that
he wouldn’t hate me for leaving him.

After leaving the plane I practically ran through security and then
pushed my way through baggage claim. The second we had our suitcases I pulled
out my phone and called Sarah. When she told me I was classed as close family
which meant I could visit at any time of the day or night I drew in what felt
like the first breath in twenty four hours.
 
She gave me the address of her new house
and suggested I take my bags there first. It was only then I realised I hadn’t
told her I wasn’t traveling alone.

Ah, well… she would find out soon enough.

Thankfully Chris remembered we didn’t have any US dollars
before
we took a taxi to the hospital.
So after sailing through customs we exchanged some cash on the way out of the
airport and then Chris carried our cases while we rushed outside to find a taxi
rank.

I felt sick with nerves as we rode excruciatingly slowly to Saint
Anne’s. When we reached our destination I waited outside the sliding glass
doors while Chris paid our fare and dragged our cases from the boot.

“You okay?” Chris asked when he joined me outside the doors. I could see
in his concerned eyes there was so much more to that question. He was telling
me that he was here for me, that he had my back… that he loved me. I nodded
slowly, even though I was
far
from
okay.

Walking through the automatic doors I spotted the reception area.
Nervously, I ambled over to it with Chris trailing behind me. Then I sucked in
a preparing breath and began to talk.

“I’m looking for Dexter Michaels. I’ve been told he’s in ICU.” Chris set
our suitcases down and put his hand on the small of my back. For the first time
I was glad he was with me. I’m not sure I’d have still been standing if I had
to deal with this alone.

“One moment,” the young receptionist with thick black-rimmed glasses and
platinum-blonde hair said to me through one of those sickeningly fake smiles.
Pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose, she looked down at her computer
screen and started tapping away. “Ah, yes. He’s on the seventh floor,” she
clarified, returning her gaze to me. “There’s an elevator through those doors
over there…” She pointed to a set of glass doors with metal trims. “Take it to
seven, turn left when you exit and follow the signs.”

“Thank you.” I rushed the words out – already sprinting towards
the lift.

“Wait up, Emmie!” Chris called after me. I turned briefly to see him
struggling with our cases but didn’t stop. I pressed the call button for the
lift as soon as I reached it. When it didn’t open immediately I pressed it
again, then I hammered my whole hand against it in quick succession until it
pinged.

Chris was by my side now and we stepped into the lift together. It felt
like my pounding heart had wedged itself in the middle of my throat –
choking me as I hit the button for the seventh floor. The doors slid open after
an eternity and I stepped out into a long white corridor with faded pastel-pink
walls. There was a large desk right in front of us and as I walked over to it,
mouth open and ready to talk, I heard my name being called.

“Emily!” My neck snapped around and I saw Sarah barrelling towards me.
Before I could respond she threw her arms around me, almost knocking me to the
ground. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she whispered, clutching me tightly to her
chest and rocking us from side to side.

“How is he?”

“He’s awake,” she answered dejectedly. “But he won’t talk to me. His
blood results showed-”

“This is my brother, Chris,” I interrupted, diverting the topic of conversation
before she revealed everything to Chris.

“Nice to meet you, Chris,” Sarah said with the warm smile I’d missed so
much. She offered her hand and Chris took it, shaking it lightly.

“He didn’t want me travelling alone,” I said, hoping Sarah wouldn’t
continue her train of thought.

“I’m glad. You need someone here for you in times like these.” Sarah
nodded her head in approval. “Wow. You look so alike. You have the
exact
same hair colour.”

“Yeah, she gets all her good looks from me,” Chris announced with a
playful wink in my direction.

“I need to see him,” I declared, turning the air thick and serious in a
heartbeat.