Holding On (9 page)

Remembering
that
I
still
had
yet
to
open
his
gift,
I
got
up
and
began to
rummage
through
my
purse.
The
instruction
on
the
top
of
the
box
told me to wait until I was here to open it. I didn’t understand why at
first, but Brad assured me that there was a very good reason and that once
I opened his gift, I would see for
myself.

We
had
talked
a
few
times
during
the
trip.
It
was
mostly
him
calling to
make
sure
that
I
was
still
alive
since
he
never
did
trust
me
behind
the wheel. He kept me company until I was sure my phone battery
would
die
and
we
would
end
our
call.
Our
conversations
were
never
about anything important and most definitely never about our relationship
or anything that had happened in the last few weeks. I don’t think I
would
ever
be
able
to
talk
to
him
about
my
feelings.
Nothing
was
going
to change
the
situation
we
put
ourselves
in.
Nothing
was
going
to
bring me back
home.

I found the package and went back to my bed to open it. The
card was taped to the top of the box still with the instructions printed on
the envelope. I brushed my finger over his handwriting and then
carefully removed the envelope from the package. As I opened it, I realized
that there
was
not
a
card
inside
but
a
photo
of
the
two
of
us.
It
had
been
taken last
spring
after
one
of
my
tennis
matches.
I
was
glistening
from
head
to toe
with
sweat
and,
of
course,
Brad
looked
deliciously
well
put
together. I flipped it over to find a little message on the
back.

This may not be the most recent picture of us but it is my
favorite. This
is
the
day
that
I
realized
I
was
in
love
with
you.
My
best
friend,
my
entire world.
You
will always be
here
with me in my heart. I know
that my gift is a little much but when I saw it I knew you would love it and
I hope that it reminds you of our special connection every time you
look at
it.

Love
always, Brad

Holy crap!
I was too shocked to cry and was shaking so hard that
I couldn’t even grip the photo anymore. It floated to the bed and
landed face up. As I stared at the handsome man standing next to me, the
tears finally began to fall. I could see the love in his eyes. How had I
missed that?
Why
did
he
have
to
wait
until
I
was
so
far
away
to
tell
me?
As
I
glanced
over
at
myself
in
the
photo,
I
saw
something
in
myself
that scared
the
crap
out
of
me.
Love.
Whether
I
realized
it
at
the
time
or
not, I was in love with him back then. I knew I was fighting some feelings for
him
over
the
past
few
year
or
so,
but
I
never
really
thought
that
I
was
in
love
with
him.
That’s
just
wasn’t
the
type
of
relationship
that
we
had. Not to mention, he had just started dating
Claire.

I pulled myself together, trying to imagine
what’s
under
the wrapping
paper.
I slowly pulled it back and realized that
it’s
a
black velvet
box.
Double
crap!
He
bought
me
jewelry.
Now
I
realized
why
he made me wait. I would have never let him spend money on jewelry
for me. The only jewelry I wore was a watch, and that was to always
make sure
I
was
on
time.
The
watch
didn’t
really
seem
to
help
most
of
the
time since I was often
late.

My
hands
began
to
shake
as
I
tossed
the
wrapping
paper
on
the
floor.
I
closed
my
eyes
and
tried
to
calm
my
nerves
as
I
lifted
the
lid. When
I
opened
them,
I
completely
lost
all
restraints
and
began
to
cry again. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on, and it
fit perfectly. As I slid the ring on my right hand, it felt like it was meant
to be
there.
It
was
the
darkest
green
emerald
I
have
ever
seen.
Brad
was
right—I love it, but it was too
much.

I
jumped
off
the
bed
and
began
to
rummage
through
my
purse
again for my phone. I realized that it was midnight here, which meant that
it was 3:00 a.m. there, but I didn’t really care. I had to talk to him. I
had to
thank
him
for
my
present.
What
I
really
wanted
was
to
see
him,
to hold
him,
to
kiss
him.
Damn
it!
I
pressed
Send
before
my
nerves
got
the better of me. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I heard his
voice. As if expecting my phone call, he picks up after only two rings.

“Aren’t you supposed to be asleep after all that driving?” he
asked without saying
hello.

“Yes,
but
I
had
a
pressing
matter
that
required
my
attention
as
soon as
I
got
settled,
remember?”
I
didn’t
say
anything
else.
I
was
waiting
for him
to
say
something
when
I
heard
a
voice
in
the
background—Claire’s.
“It sounds like I’m interrupting, so I’ll just call you in the morning,”
I stuttered out quickly before I hang up without so much as a
good-bye.

It
took
about
thirty
seconds
for
my
phone
to
vibrate,
and
he
was
calling
me
back.
I
was
contemplating
whether
or
not
to
answer
when
the vibrating stops. I don’t know if I was relieved that he hung up or if I was sad. I wanted to talk to him, to thank him for his gift, but
Claire was with him at 3:00 a.m., and that could only mean one thing. He
had moved their relationship to the next level.

Really?
The
last
three
weeks
we
spent
together,
I
got
the
impression that
he
was
wanting
to
move
their
relationship
in
the
opposite
direction. He
made
me
feel
like
he
wanted
to
be
with
me.
Now
he
was
progressing with
her.
Was
it because I left?
Was
he regretting everything
that happened between us?
Was
I a mistake to him? Did he even really
love me? I gripped my phone and debated whether or not to throw it
against the
wall
when
it
alerted
me
to
a
text
message.
I
rolled
my
eyes
and opened my
phone.

Just
like
magic,
it
vibrated
again,
and
I
knew
that
this
would
go on all night if I didn’t answer. I really did want to talk to him. I
wanted
to
hear
the
sound
of
his
voice.
Even
when
I
was
mad
at
him,
it
would soothe me in a way that I could not explain.

“Yeah,”
I
said.
I
tried
to
keep
my
voice
flat
and
free
of
emotion,
but which
emotion
was
I
trying
to
hide?
There
are
so
many
running
through my body right now I can barely decide how I
feel.

“Look,
it’s
not
what
you
are
thinking.
I
know
where
your
mind
just went, and it went too
far. She’s
gone
now,
so
let’s
talk. I’m gonna
guess you
opened
your
gift.”
He
said
this
all
with
such
an
exasperated
tone that I knew they just had a huge fight and that was why she was at
his house
so
late.
I
just
wanted
to
wrap
my
arms
around
him
and
give
him
a big hug, but that was
impossible.

“Yes,
I
did,
and
thank
you.
You
were
right”—I
had
to
pause
to
keep myself from crying—“it was too much, but I love
it.”

“Well,
I’m
glad
because
that
was
the
whole
purpose
of
getting
it
for you. It fits,
right?”

“Perfectly.
How
did
you
know
my
ring
size?
I
don’t
even
know
my ring
size.”

“I’ve
held
your
hand
enough
to
figure
it
out,”
he
said
with
a
little
bit of humor in his voice. “So will you wear
it?”

“Of
course.
Why
wouldn’t
I?”
I
realized
after
I
ask
that
he
knew me
too
well.
I
had
never
once
worn
anything
other
than
my
watch.
This was
something
that
most
people
would
miss
day
after
day,
but
not
Brad. He didn’t answer right
away,
and I could hear him let out a
heavy sigh. It must have been a bad fight this time.
With
me gone, Claire
had to
come
up
with
new
things
to
fight
about,
and
I
was
sure
she
made their first official “non-Becca” fight interesting. Before I could ask, he interrupted and pulled me from my
thoughts.

“I miss you,” mumbled Brad. I could hear that he meant it. It
had only
been
four
days
since
I
saw
him
last,
but
I
missed
him
too.
“She doesn’t
get
it,”
he
continued,
and
then
it
dawned
on
me.
They
were
still
fighting about me, and I was not even there
anymore.

“What was it this time?” I asked, knowing the answer
already.    

“The usual.
You
are still a threat to
her,
even though you are so
far
away.”

“Doesn’t she realize that
she’s
your girlfriend and not me?”
Even though I wish I was
, I thought to
myself.

“Well,
I kind of broke up with
her,
and she blames
you.”

“What?” I screamed, completely
shocked.     

“Well…”
he started to say but never finished
it.

He
was
holding
something
back.
He
wanted
to
tell
me—I
could
feel it.
Did
this
really
have
anything
to
do
with
me?
I
know
he
loves
me—he always has in one way or another—and I will always love him. But
we
were worlds away from each other, and that made a huge difference.
I wish it didn’t, more than anything, but it did, and we couldn’t
change those facts. If we had started a relationship months ago, we could
have tried to continue it.
You
cannot start a relationship from a distance.
It just won’t
work.

“Why,
Brad? Why did you break up with
her?”

“It’s
hard
to
say,
but
I
was
just
done.
It
hasn’t
felt
right
in
a
few months,
and
I
felt
like
I
was
stringing
her
along.
Plus,
I’m
not
a
cheater, and
every
time
I
think
about
you
I
feel
like
I’m
cheating
on
her.
I’ve
felt this way for a while
now,
but it wasn’t until you left that I realized
that I didn’t want to do it
anymore.”

Wow!
It really was because of me, at least
partially.              

“I
want
to
be
with
someone
who
turns
me
inside
out
with
one
kiss,” Brad continued.
You
could hear the desperation in his voice.
“Someone who makes me want more out of life. Who can see inside me and
feels the same
way.
What I really want is to be with
you.”

“Wow!”
I
realized
I
was
saying
it
out
loud
this
time,
and
I
meant
to. I wanted to tell him how I felt, that I wanted to be with him as much
as he
wanted
to
be
with
me,
but
I
couldn’t
bring
myself
to
say
the
words.
“I wish that things could be different, you know that, but I don’t want
you to put your life on hold for me. I want you to find someone that
makes you
happy,
but that person can’t be me right
now.
We
can’t hold on
to something that isn’t
there.”

Where
did
that
come
from?
Those
were
not
the
words
that
were just swirling around in my head. The line was silent, as if we were
both pondering
what
I
just
said.
Before
he
could
say
anything,
I
began
to realize why I chose those words. I couldn’t share my feelings
because at
this
moment,
they
didn’t
matter.
The
only
relationship
we
could
have right
now
was
friendship,
and
as
his
best
friend,
that
was
what
he
needed to
hear.
We
could hold on to that. Our friendship was solid. Damn,
my subconscious!

“I
know,
and I understand. I almost didn’t kiss you in your car
that day
because
I
knew
we
couldn’t
be
together.”
Another
heavy
sigh
came across the line, and I knew that if I didn’t get off the phone with him,
I would change my
mind.

“Work
it out with Claire, Brad.
She’s
a nice girl. Even if
she’s
not your forever, then she can at least be your right
now.”
I had to stop
and wipe the tears from my cheeks before I
continued.

“I
will
always
love
you
no
matter
how
far
apart
we
are,
but
I
will
be really
pissed
at
you
if
you
sit
around
and
allow
yourself
to
be
miserable.”

“I love you too, Becca. I always will. Good
night.”          

“Good night,
Brad.”

I
fingered
the
ring
on
my
right
hand
as
I
closed
my
phone
and
ended our
conversation,
knowing
that
things
will
never
be
the
same.
Of
course, we would still talk and still be friends, but this would always
linger between
us.
I
picked
up
the
photo
that
was
still
staring
at
me
from
its fallen
place
on
the
bed.
I
walked
over
to
my
desk
and
placed
it
in
the center of my photo board that I had yet to hang on my
wall.