Holly's Christmas Kiss (11 page)

Chapter Twelve

Christmas Day, 1992

Michelle

We’re having something called fajitas. I made Auntie Barbara write it down for me. It is written f-a-j-i-t-a, but you say it fa-heeeee-ta. Auntie Barbara says it is from Mexico, which is a special type of Spain. Auntie Barbara isn’t staying for lunch. She said there was plenty of turkey for us at her house, but Mummy said that she wasn’t in the mood for all that business.

Then they went in the kitchen and talked in quiet voices but I could still hear them because Dolly wanted to play in the hallway so I had to go with her. Dolly sometimes does things like that. She is much braver than I am.

‘It’s not right for a child at Christmas.’

Mummy doesn’t answer that.

‘I mean, I understand why you’re not feeling like it this year, but come on.’

Mummy laughs. ‘I’m sure they’ll have the full spread tomorrow at her father’s.’

I’m having a different Christmas just with Daddy tomorrow. When we came back here from Auntie Barbara’s house I thought it might be so we could all see Daddy for Christmas, but Mummy says that Daddy doesn’t live here any more, and this house is just mine and hers now. Mine and hers and Dolly’s.

They’ve forgotten that they’re talking quietly now, and Mummy starts to shout at Auntie Barbara. I tell Dolly that I think we should play in the lounge. There’s a spot in between the sofa and Mummy’s sewing box where I can squeeze right in, with Dolly, and make myself small. I squash into my spot and sing
Away in a Manger
. Last year Mummy and me sang Christmas carols together before bed on Christmas Eve. She didn’t want to do that this year.

I’m going to make sure Mummy has a lovely Christmas. When my fajitas come, I’m going to eat them all up and make ‘Mmmm’ noises even though they’ve got yellow bits in them, and I don’t know what they are. Dolly doesn’t like yellow bits. She might leave hers on the side of the plate.

‘Are you having a nice day dear?’ Mummy asks.

‘Yeah.’ 

‘Good.’ She seems pleased. ‘Christmas is a bit of silliness really. It’s much nicer this way, isn’t it?’

I nod. I think that’s what she wants me to do.

Chapter Thirteen

Christmas Afternoon, 2013

Sean watched Cora stalk back to her car, and headed back into the lounge. ‘Where’s Michelle?’

Bel looked up from the Monopoly board. ‘She’s gone. She said she had friends to visit.’

What? That made no sense. Michelle didn’t know anyone around here. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that she had gone.

‘When?’

Bel shrugged. ‘Ten minutes ago maybe.’

‘Did she say anything?’

A shake of the head. ‘No.’

Sean ran into the yard. The hire car, as he expected, was gone. He quickly counted back through the day. Coffee at breakfast time, even though his mum and Bel seemed to have been quaffing Buck’s Fizz from first light. One glass of wine with lunch. That was Ok. He ran back into the house.

‘Car keys!’

‘What?’ His parents, brother and sister all stared at him. ‘I need to borrow someone’s car. Any car!’

He caught the first set of keys that came flying towards him and ran outside pressing the unlock button. Luke’s Land Rover sprang into life. Thank the Lord. He’d said any car, but he was relieved not to be chasing the woman of his dreams in his mother’s bright yellow smart car. He started the engine, pulled away and immediately stopped. Which way had she gone? He silently thanked the Lord again, this time for the snow, and for the fact the Christmas
Day meant there weren’t many tracks coming in and out of the yard. He could see footsteps, presumably Cora’s, going off across the field. He could see where his dad had brought the hire car back, but those tracks were already part covered in fresh snow. He turned out of the yard, following the newest tyre marks.

This was crazy. He could wait until after Christmas, get her contact details from Patrick and Jess, give her a call sometime calm and quiet. He could be sensible. He could take things slow. He didn’t have to dive straight in. Sean grinned to himself, pressed his foot to the clutch and moved up a gear.

He followed the lane from the farm for about a mile, to the crossroads. The lack of Christmas Day traffic meant that even out on the road there were only a few tyre tracks. The freshest seemed to go straight on. He followed them.

The lane rose and fell with the landscape, and then started to rise more sharply as the road climbed into the higher hills. Sean glanced at the sky. The fresh snow was falling more heavily, and the snow on the ground was getting thicker as he climbed higher. Would the hire car make it through this? He shuddered to think of Michelle alone and probably lost.

He rounded a bend, and brought the Land Rover to a rapid stop. The hire car was half off the road in front of him, nose into the ditch. He threw his door open and ran. The front of the car was crumpled, but the car was empty. The driver’s side door was open. He spun around scanning the road and fields. No Michelle.

His heart pounded. Where was she? Was she hurt? Cold? Out there somewhere alone? He imagined the landscape he loved through a Michelle’s eyes. Freezing. Forbidding. Dangerous. He ran back to the four by four and opened the boot. Good old Luke. You could always spot a boy who’d been brought up on a farm. There was
a waterproof jacket, along with a shovel and first aid kit. Sean pulled on the coat, and headed back to the hire car. He dragged his phone out of his pocket. No signal. He hadn’t thought there would be. No sign of Michelle in or near the car. No key in the ignition. He tried to tell himself that was a good thing. It looked like she’d got out and walked away. Steeling himself, he ran his hands over the steering wheel and driver’s seat. No obvious signs of blood.

‘Sean!’

He spun round to see Michelle standing in the lane. There was blood on her hand, but she was standing and breathing and talking. His heart rate started to slow. He ran towards her.

‘You’re
Ok?’

She nodded. ‘What are you doing out here?’

‘Looking for you.’

He saw her open expression snap closed. ‘That’s not necessary. I’m …’

‘If you’re going to say “fine” then I’m going to point out the car in the ditch and the blood on your arm. You’re not fine. You need help.’

She nodded but made no attempt to move towards him.

‘I’m sorry if you don’t want my help, but I’m all that’s here, so sit down.’

He flicked the tailgate open, and gestured towards it. Michelle sat down while Sean leant into the car and dragged a first aid kit from the glove box.

‘Roll up your sleeve.’

The cut was on the back of her wrist and wasn’t as bad as Sean had first feared. He found an antiseptic wipe and started to clean.

‘I can do that.’ Michelle took the wipe off him with her good hand and started to deal with her own wound.

‘Why did you run off?’

Michelle shrugged. ‘It seemed perfectly clear that I wasn’t wanted.’

‘What?’

Michelle swallowed, still holding the wipe against her arm. ‘Look. I’m sure you were trying to be nice, and this probably isn’t your fault but I don’t do things like this. I don’t ride Ferris wheels. I don’t play in the snow. I don’t run away with strange men. I don’t …’

She tailed off, as if the other things she didn’t do were too numerous to list.

Sean laughed, trying to keep the tone lighter than he felt. ‘You do now.’

‘No. I don’t.’ Michelle lifted the wipe from her wrist. ‘I need to put something on this.’

Sean accepted the distraction. ‘I don’t think there’s a plaster big enough.’ He fished around in the first aid kit.

‘Hold this.’ He pressed a pad against the cut, and started wrapping a piece of bandage to hold it in place. ‘I thought there was something good happening here.’

Her face was pinched and closed, like it had been when he’d first met her, like it had been before he’d persuaded her to ride the Ferris wheel, and shown her the Christmas tree field. She wouldn’t look him in the eye. ‘Apparently not.’

Sean swallowed. ‘What happened?’

She glared at him. ‘Seriously? I thought … it doesn’t matter.’

‘You thought what?’

‘I thought you might, sort of, want to …’

Sean smiled. ‘I did. I do. I very much sort of, want to …’

‘Well that’s not going to happen.’ She took a breath. ‘Well not again.’

Sean paused in his bandage wrapping. What had happened? Things had been going well. Things had been going really well. ‘Help me here. I’m confused.’

Michelle pulled her hand away. ‘What’s confusing? You had a bit of fun. It didn’t work out.’

‘What?’

She set off walking back along the lane. He ran after her. ‘Seriously. I’m getting really tired of watching you walk away.’

‘Then why don’t you let me go?’

‘Because I don’t want to.’ He yelled his answer back at her, and the shouting was exhilarating. ‘Because I’m sick of being cautious and sensible. Because I want to jump in with both feet, and I don’t care if I get hurt.’

‘You don’t care about getting hurt?’

‘Not even a little bit. I think you might be worth it.’

Michelle let out a small bitter laugh. ‘And what do you reckon your wife would think?’

‘What?’

‘Your wife?’

Oh. Sean was stupid. Cora. Of course she’d have told a possible rival she was his wife. That was exactly what she’d do. He took a deep breath. ‘Look. I can explain.’

‘I’m not interested.’

‘I tried to tell you before we … before we did anything. You didn’t want to wait.’

‘How long would it have taken to mention your wife?’

‘She’s not my wife.’

Michelle was still striding away from him.

He tried another tack. ‘You can’t walk anywhere from here. It’s freezing. I know, for a fact, that that’s not your jumper, so you have to take it back. Come on. You don’t even know where you are.’

She stuck out her chin. ‘I do.’

‘Where?’

Her chin lowered. ‘Scotland.’

‘Excellent. Well I’m sure that’s all you’ll need to tell the AA for them to pop out here on Christmas Day and pick you up.’ He saw her shoulders drop. ‘Come back to the Land Rover. Let me explain.’

She walked past him without speaking, and sat back down on the tailgate. ‘Two minutes.’

Two minutes. What could you explain in two minutes? The big stuff, he guessed. If you were going to jump right in, you couldn’t be half-hearted about it. ‘I’m not married.’

She raised her eyes.

‘I was married. I’m divorced. I should have told you that. I tried to tell you that.’

She folded her arms across her chest. ‘So tell me about it now.’

‘Ok.’ What to say? ‘It was a long time ago. We were seventeen. We were in love. I leapt right in, didn’t think, didn’t hesitate. I wanted to be with her.’

‘What went wrong?’

He looked at her. ‘Apart from being seventeen?’

She laughed, a small quiet laugh. It was beautiful.

‘We stayed together quite a while actually, living with my mum and dad. Then, when she was twenty-one, she started thinking about all the stuff she’d missed out on. University. Wild nights out. Growing up, I guess.’

‘And that’s why you broke up?’

‘She didn’t tell me until she already had the place at college. One day I thought we were fine. The next she was moving to London to do Business and Economics, and I wasn’t invited.’

He closed his eyes.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I haven’t really jumped into a relationship since then.’

‘Once bitten?’

Sean nodded.

‘Are you still in love with her?’

‘What?’

‘I heard you talking at the house.’

‘I knew there was someone in the hall!’ He paused and shook his head.

‘How do you know?’

‘I know.’ He turned to face her. ‘Honestly. I’m not in love with Cora. She’s cool in her own slightly self-involved way. We have history, but I think I’ve been kidding myself that we can be mates. She’s part of my past. That’s all.’

Michelle didn’t answer.

‘So what about the future?’

‘What?’

Sean leant towards her. ‘Well, officially you still owe me another twenty-four hours.’

Michelle shook her head. ‘That was always a silly idea.’

‘I know.’ Sean swallowed. He was all in now. No pretending this was just him taking pity on a girl who was alone at Christmas. No pretending that when the two days were over he’d be able to stand by and let her walk away. ‘I was kidding myself about the forty-eight hour thing as well. I don’t want a couple of days with you. It’s not enough. I don’t want to be safe. I don’t want a time limit. I want to take care of you. I want to spend time with you. I want … I just want you.’

Michelle kept her head bent away from him as she spoke. ‘I don’t think I can do that.’

‘Do what?’

‘Jump right in. What if it doesn’t work? What if I’ve seen this whole relationship play out before?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘My mum and dad. He was so impulsive, so much fun, and she was like me. Careful. Cautious. It didn’t work for them.’ She lifted her head towards Sean. ‘Why would it work for us?’

That was it. That was her biggest fear. She’d loved her dad so much, but he’d let her mum down. He’d let them both down. ‘Well, for starters, I’m not like your
dad. Yes. I’m a bit impulsive, but I don’t quit. I’m not going to run off with an elf ...’

Michelle opened her mouth, but Sean kept going.

‘… or a secretary or my ex-wife or a foxy Christmas tree saleswoman or whoever it is you’re worrying about. When you’re around, I don’t see anyone else. I only see you. I see you taking care of everybody, and I want to take care of you.’

Michelle shook her head again. ‘You’ll get bored of me. Sensible Michelle.’

‘There’s nothing boring about sensible Michelle.’ Sean grinned. ‘And if I get bored of sensible Michelle, I’ve always got Holly.’

‘Shut up!’ The hint of a smile was returning to Michelle’s voice.

‘And so what if you are your mother’s daughter? Your mother’s dying wish was that you went on holiday to the Caribbean. That’s hardly sensible.’

Michelle sighed. ‘I suppose not. I think maybe she thought she’d stopped me having fun when I was younger.’

‘So maybe you’re both your parents? Sensible Michelle and impulsive Holly?’

‘Maybe. Actually, when I was little I had a dolly, called Dolly …’

Sean grinned. ‘What else?’

‘I used to make her do the things I was too scared to do.’ She smiled at the memory. ‘Like I had to be Michelle but she could be Holly in my place.’

She shook her head. It was a silly idea. ‘You could still break my heart. My dad broke Mum’s heart.’

Sean shrugged. ‘And you could break mine.’

‘I wouldn’t do that.’

‘Good.’ He took a deep breath. ‘One question then, when we’re together, do you see anyone else?’