Hollywood Scream Play (24 page)

He raises his hands, in mock defense. Smirking, he mutters, “She’s a big girl. She can take care of herself. And if she won’t, she’ll be hearing from my attorney.” He shoves past me.

But he doesn’t get far.

When I yank the floor runner out from under him, he trips and falls on his knees with a yelp.

“Tsk, tsk! How clumsy of you, Reed,” I murmur. “You should watch your step.”

He staggers to his feet. Angrily, he looks back at me, but he’s smart enough to keep his mouth shut.

The door slams behind him.

I turn to Emma. “What did he mean by that?”

She collapses into one of the make-up chairs. “I…I’m late—over a week now. It’s not at all like me. Donna, I’m pregnant!”

I guess Arnie was right to be jealous. “What are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know! Reed wants me to—to get rid of it!” Her words come out in fits and starts because she’s crying so hard. “If I did, I don’t know if I could live with myself. But, if I don’t, it changes everything! Donna, I don’t know if I’m ready to be a mother! I don’t know if…if I can tell Arnie.” She covers her face with her hands.

I bend down in order to wrap my arms around her. Arnie will be heartbroken. We both know it.

Every action has a consequence. In my case, I’ve still got to figure out if my confrontation with Sebastian has put my family and me in danger, and the sooner, the better. But Emma is my friend, and she needs me now.

Finally Emma rises from the chair. As she pats her eyes dry with a tissue, she asks, “Why are you looking for Jack?”

“Some film footage taken here has been released to the media, and I’m in it. We may have to take off. Any ideas where he may be?”

“I presume he’s with Willow.” She hesitates. Finally she murmurs, “When she was getting made up for her next scene, she called him and asked if he’d join her in her cottage, during the lunch break.”

“Did she say why?”

Emma must pick up on my anger because she pauses before saying, “Well, to be honest, she said she had something to show him…something that she thought he’d be very interested in seeing.”

I’ll just bet she does.

Jack has made it quite clear, even to Willow, that he finds her annoying. She’s been so offended that now she makes it a point to blow him off, every chance she gets.

Sorry, poor choice of words, considering her previous film experience.

If she’s the one who stole the camera to use it to blackmail me, certainly Jack will be doing everything he can to make her change her mind—including kowtowing to her desire to kiss and make up.

Nope, not going to happen.

I give Emma a peck on the cheek and run out the door.

For some reason, Willow is giggling.

What the heck is so funny?

I’m sure as hell going to find out.

Just as I reach up to knock on the door of the star’s cottage, Augusta, Willow’s assistant-from-Hades, appears, seemingly out of nowhere. “Can I help you?”

“Willow wants to see me.”

“I doubt it. She’s busy, if you catch my drift.” And to make sure I do, she shoves me to one side, so that she can block my path.

I don’t have time for polite chitchat. So that she gets this message loud and clear, I slam her up against the cottage wall and hold her there with my forearm against her throat. “Yes, I know she’s ‘busy’—
with my husband
.”

“Then he should consider himself a lucky guy,” she snorts. “Give him some space. He came to negotiate on your behalf.”

From the giggles we hear, Jack is doing a piss poor job of it.

At least now I know it was Willow who took the camera and sent the film clip to 
Deadline
.

I grab Augusta by the scruff of her turtleneck and pull her inside with me.

“Donna, trust me, it’s not what you think,” Jack pleads with me.

It sure as hell better not be.

Both of them are on the floor—on their backs, and panting heavily. Their thighs are entwined. He holds her foot in one hand, at the toes.

“What the hell?” Augusta yells. Why, she’s even angrier than me.

But now that I see the situation, I can forgive him. To prove it, I bend down and kiss him. “Great technique.”

“You people are sickos!” Augusta yanks Willow up off the ground and shoves her onto the bed.

Jack jumps to his feet and jerks her away. “Whoa, lady! Just what do you think you’re doing?”

“I should be asking you the same question,” she snarls at him.

That’s it for me. Obviously a demonstration is in order.

An elbow to the gut has Augusta bowing. A kick behind her knees makes her fold, like a deck of cards, onto the ground—chest down, geisha-style. A second later I’m cuddling her in a bear hug. Give me another second and I’ve hooked my arm around her ankle and rolled her onto her back along with me.

Her leg is now trapped in the crook of my knee. When I pull her toes forward, she groans in agony.

“It’s a Jiu-Jitsu move, you moron. It’s called a calf slicer.”

“Oh! Is that how it’s supposed to look?” Willow seems disappointed. “It’s not at all sexy.”

“No?” Augusta gasps. “I dunno. I can see the potential.”

Jack shakes his head in resignation. “It’s not supposed to be sexy. It’s a maneuver to stop someone from hurting you.” He gives me a hand up.

“Why the hell were you learning it, anyway?” Augusta rubs her bruised toes.

“Don’t be stupid, Augusta,” Willow sighs. “I’ve got to live up to my soon-to-be new reputation as a female action star.”

I grab Willow’s arm. “So it was you who stole the camera, and leaked the film clip to the press—just to further your career!”

“Get real! I don’t do rainstorms. Can you imagine what that would do to my hair?” She wrenches her arm from my grip. “I didn’t even know about the incident until I got a call from my agent at CAA, just an hour ago. Every action film director in town is calling to find out if I’m the mystery woman, and if so, am I doing my own stunts? How Angelina Jolie is that?” She flexes a muscle and strikes a pose for the mirror. “CAA is dying for me to confirm it. The second I do, I’ll be cast in the role of the Wasp for the next Avengers film. Isn’t that exciting?”

Augusta furrows her brow. “But…I thought the only reason you wanted to take this film was to impress Sebastian with your ability to play a Brit, and get cast in 
Bloomsbury
.”

“Yeah, well, that was when I thought this film was going to bomb—and before Sebastian fell off the edge of the earth.” She shrugs. “As much as I’d like to take on 
Bloomsbury
 and Shakespeare and Shaw and all the other highbrow roles, I’d much rather live somewhere I can get a tan—not to mention earn the big bucks that come with an action tentpole film with sequel potential.”

Why, the ungrateful hussy! Without my biopic, she’d still be doing inane rom-coms. “Why would you want to be just another 
Avenger
 super hero when the 
Housewife Assassin
 series will go on forever? Addison has a six-picture arc set for the franchise.”

She rolls her eyes. “I wouldn’t count on it. Between Rachel and Sebastian’s deaths—not to mention the explosion on the set in Venezuela—the insurance company told Sebastian to pull the plug on the picture. Whitford is gathering up the cast and crew now, to let them know.” Her mouth droops into a pout. “I’d already be out of here, except for the fact that your husband is playing hardball. He won’t let me confirm that I’m the woman in the video.”

I look at Jack as if he’s crazy. Of course he should let her take credit for pushing Sebastian into a watery grave—unless he’s looking forward to visiting me in the hoosegow.

Then again, his adorable mug is plastered on Wanted posters, too. If he showed up for even one conjugal visit, the guards might slap him in irons.

I’m just about to remind him of this when Willow says, “If I trade you my Malibu place for the rights to tell the world I’m the woman doing the stunt in the film, can we call it even?”

Jack frowns as if she’s got him over a barrel. “I don’t know. What do you think, my lady love?”

I purse my lips. “The traffic is hell on PCH…but what the heck. The kids love the beach. I say go for it.”

He nods toward the iPad in my hand. “Willow, give me a second to draft something for you to sign, so that it’s all nice and legal.”

She clasps her hands gleefully. But a moment later, her smile fades. She must be furrowing her brow, but it’s hard for me to tell because it’s practically a Kabuki mask, what with all the Botox in her forehead. “I’ll still need someone to teach me all those cool martial arts moves—on the sly, that is.” She bats her eyes at Jack. “Can we make that part of the deal, too?”

“No can do. We may be traveling a lot this year.”

That’s putting it mildly.

“But I’ll tell you what,” Jack goes on, “why don’t I hook you up with one of our colleagues, Dominic Fleming? He’s very discreet, and he’s got some moves that you’ll really enjoy. I promise.”

“The lord with the hung horse? Hmmm, yes, he’ll do quite nicely! We'll practice at my Santa Barbara ranch. He can bring Big Boy if he wants. I could watch that stud all day long.” She grabs the iPad and signs with a flourish. She snaps her fingers at Augusta. “Let’s get packing, before another rainstorm rolls in.”

At least one more shit storm has been diverted.

I’m out the door, with Jack right behind me.

Chapter 16

Love Story

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

—Ali McGraw, as “Jennifer Cavilleri”

At their worst, stage kisses look awkward. At the very worst, they make the audience feel as uncomfortable as the actors. Here are four tips on how to make kissing another actor look as natural as a real-life smooch:

First, practice your kisses at every rehearsal. A lot of actors are so embarrassed about having to kiss a stranger that they wait until the very last rehearsal. By then, it’s too late to change what may be natural with you and your normal squeeze, but is so wrong here. Don’t be shy! Remember, practice makes perfect!

Next, really kiss. Don’t just touch lips, or give your stage partner a quick peck. Get into it! You can’t fake it.

Now, take your clothes off. I’m being serious! A kiss will seem tamer if you see each other naked.

And finally, have sex with your stage partner. Not fake porn sex. I mean really get down and dirty. Yes, I thoroughly understand that you’re not starring in a blue film. But, since the point is to be as authentic as possible, after establishing this intimacy between you, the kissing part is second nature.

My goodness, the things we community theater actors do for our art!

From all the long faces we pass on the way to our bungalow, I take it that Addison’s news is a big blow to everyone.

We get a chance to hear it ourselves when we find Addison outside our door. He nods when he sees us. “I guess you heard that a clip of 
The Housewife Assassin’s Handbook
 made it onto 
Deadline Hollywood.
”

“Yes. And so did Willow. She’s so excited she’s calling the press to confirm her skills of derring-do,” Jack says.