Home is a Fire (17 page)

Luke came out to his dad? Luke was “lovesick?” Oh, my god. I felt everything inside of me get crushed and forced back up through my entire body. Every emotion and thought and moment of the past few months was being replayed in my mind.
I threw my hands to my face and the tears started pouring as I slowly sank to the ground.

“Oh, Dolly,” said Barry, reaching down to place his hand on my shoulder and pat my back. “This will all make sense soon. It will all get figured out. Just trust yourself. You have to trust yourself.”

How could I trust myself, when I didn’t know what I wanted anymore? There were no clear answers, no clear path, and I was just on autopilot. I was just trying to survive, rather than live. Mom was right. Everything that I came home for, my friends, my family, the slower pace in life that I so craved, the man of my dreams who appeared as a gift, it was all burning up in front of me, daring me to reach my hand in and rescue the important things before it all just disappeared in the flames.

26

“Bammy, you are running around like a chicken with your head cut off. Calm down or you’re going to explode.” I handed her a coffee. “Here. More caffeine.”

“My lifesaver,” she said. “What am I gonna do without you?”

“Drink less coffee?” I said. She laughed. It was the last day of school before Christmas break and we were in the auditorium getting prepared for the annual Christmas assembly. The big scandal this year was a motion brought in front of the school board by a more liberal segment of the community to change the name to the “holiday” assembly, in deference to the “non-denominational needs of a more tolerant society.” Yeah, right. That motion failed by a unanimous vote. The students had a half-day of classes, then lunch, and then they would file into the auditorium. The agenda included a few announcements, some
awards and back patting, and a few songs that my theatre kids were working on. After that, they were free until the first week in January.

“I’m just so ready for this year to be over,” said Bammy. “Principal Bellman is doing less and less these days. I swear, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was out partying a few nights a week. He’s come in more than a few times looking a little worse for wear. One morning he had lipstick all over his collar! And he’s a married man. I think he’s getting a little forgetful, if you catch my drift. I wasn’t hired to be the principal, but it sure feels like I’ve been acting like one all year. I just wish the pay was better.”

“You’re doing a great job,” I assured her. Bammy had no clue that Mr. Bellman was moonlighting as “Belle” at the Bears’ Club. But that wasn’t my secret to tell. “They’d be foolish to not give you the job when he retires.”

“Well, no matter what happens,” she said, “it’s just gonna suck without you here. There, I said it. I don’t want to pretend anymore, Derek. It’s gonna suck.”

“It’s always harder to be the one left behind,” I said. “Trust me. I know that one well.”

“Let’s just get through this day and go get drunk, okay?” she asked. “Promise?”

“I promise. But right now, I have to go check on my students real quick. Then I’m running David to the airport during lunch. I’ll be back right before the Christmas assembly. Stay strong!”

I gave her a kiss on the cheek and ran down the hall. My students were locked in the choir room, rehearsing Christmas
carols with the music teacher, Mrs. Powell. I opened the door to the final strains of “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” That was my request. What can I say? I’m a sucker for
Love Actually
.

“Bravo!” I clapped. “Y’all are awesome! You’re gonna blow them away today. Listen, I just want to tell all y’all, I’m so proud of everything you have accomplished this year. You’ve made me so proud to be your teacher.”

“Good to know,” Mrs. Powell said, drily. “Now get out of here. We’re workin’ on somethin’.” She smiled and winked at me, and I knew that was my cue to leave.

I stepped out into the parking lot and walked towards Willie Nelson. Turning around and taking in the sight of the school for one of the last times, I realized that I would really miss this place. It’s amazing how our lives can take circular routes sometimes. Life is made up of this collection of experiences, and all we can hope for is that we learn something along the way.

“Hey, buddy. Got a moment?” That voice.

“Luke…” I stammered. “Actually, no. I’m stressed for time. I need to run home and take David to the airport. He’s catching a flight back to New York this afternoon.”

“This’ll only take a minute,” he said shyly, his hands in his pockets, kicking softly at the dirt beneath his feet.

“Luke, I… listen. You were pretty clear to me at your house. I don’t think it matters, anymore.”

“Yes, it does matter,” he said. “I need to say something. I need to tell you something.”

I stopped. Could I deny him? Would anything he had to say change my mind? Are you going to let everything burn, Derek, or reach into that fire?

“Okay,” I said, cautiously. “I’m listening.”

He looked scared, and his whole face went white. “I have a confession,” he said. “Remember when you first started working at the school, and I didn’t remember you very well, and it pissed you off? Well… I did, of course. Remember you. I was lying to you, and I kept lying to you, and to myself.”

“Luke, we’ve already…”

“No, please. Let me finish,” he said. “Yes. I remembered you. But I didn’t want to admit to myself that I had, because that meant I had noticed you back in high school. You stuck out. I knew you were gay, but I think that scared me, and like I said, I’m not proud of some of the things I did and said to you back then. But honestly, I realize now that I was interested in you. I just didn’t understand it then. But I do now.”

Of course I had hoped for this already, but I was never certain. In a way I felt vindicated. But did it change anything?

“Luke, this doesn’t…” I wanted to bury my face in my hands and cry, but I had to be strong.

“Please, Derek. One more thing.” He took a deep breath. “I told you before that you made me feel free. When we were… together, I felt free. Like I could do anything and be anyone I wanted to be. But I was afraid, Derek. You knew that. You saw that in my eyes. That time we spent together changed my life.
You
changed my life. You opened my eyes to a whole world of possibilities that I didn’t think were available to me. After we… broke up… I, I’ve never hurt like that in my entire life. I had no idea I could hurt that much. I spent weeks just doing what I had to do, just to get through the day. I’m sorry I ignored you so much at school. I just couldn’t face you. And then, David was
here. David came back into your life, and it just crushed me. I could feel myself breaking apart. A few more weeks passed, and I woke up in bed one morning, alone, like always. I didn’t want to be alone, anymore. I had to talk to someone. I told you, my parents weren’t always around when I was a kid. I had Rosa. So… I talked to Rosa. I told her about us, Derek, and she opened her arms to me and I cried like a baby. But I did it. She convinced me to talk to my father, and I did. It was hard, but it was the right thing to do. He didn’t take it so well, but I think he’ll come around. I haven’t told Lana yet, but I will, one day. Right now, though, I just feel this great weight lifted off my shoulders. I owe that to you. I do.”

I could feel my knees start to get week and my face fell, betraying all the turmoil inside of me. I didn’t know how to respond.

“Luke, I… I have to go,” I mumbled. “David. His plane.” It felt cold, but I was protecting myself. I turned to face the car.

“It was me,” he said to my back, as I began to unlock the door. “In Bottom’s Up. I was supposed to meet you that night. ‘Cowboy’ in the orange baseball cap. That was me. But when I pulled into the parking lot, I saw your car, and I lost my courage.” He inhaled deeply. “I’m glad, though. That wasn’t how it was supposed to happen for us. I found that courage later, at the lake. I’m glad I did. I don’t regret that at all.”

I pulled the door handle and climbed inside. I couldn’t look at him as I drove away. My heart was aching. My uncle told me to trust myself, but right now I didn’t know whom I could trust at all. The answers were getting clearer, but they frightened me.

I pulled into Mom’s driveway. There were no cars there, so she and Barry weren’t home. My mind was racing, but all I needed to do now was get David on that plane, and then everything would fall into place, as it should. We were on a path, and if we didn’t finish, all the rules would change, again. I couldn’t handle that.

As I opened the car door and walked towards the house, I heard David’s voice from the back porch. Who was he on the phone with?

“
Ugh
. Tell me about it. It’s been torture,” I heard him say. I stayed safely around the corner. Something told me it would be best if he didn’t notice me listening.

“Yes! Exactly! Like some hick backwater town in a bad 80s movie. I feel like I’m in Mayberry. It’s awful. They fry everything. I half expect them to fry the water. And they’re all raging alcoholics, like it’s the only way they can deal with it because they know how miserable it is here. I know.
I know!
Kill me now, right? I mean, I can’t spend another day here. His mom puts the smother in mother. She dotes all over him like he’s this precious baby. Like she’s so proud of him. I mean, yeah, he’s fun and all, but he’s not a superhero, you know? He’s a failed actor, remember? It’s his job to make you feel like you’re interesting. And his uncle! That queen! You would die. Let me tell you, Nathan Lane in a dress! HA! Oh, my god. And one of his friends is like this Daughters of the Confederate Revolution thingy or another, and the other one is a Wynona Ryder wannabe, but she comes across more like Punky Brewster. These insane get ups! Yes!
Yes!
It’s gonna be tough,” he continued, “but we have a lot of work to do when we get him back to New York. We have to wipe this
small town grime off of him and remind him who he is. Like wipe his memory or something. You should see what he’s wearing these days. There’s actually flannel in his closet. Flannel?! Can you believe it? And it’s not like it’s some vintage Gaultier or Westwood. I think it’s from Target, or something. AWFUL. And he doesn’t know about you, yet. No, I haven’t told him. I know,
I know
. I mean, what did he expect? He frickin’ runs away and I’m not supposed to have any fun? God, I miss you. Oh, yeah? Really? Is
that
what you want? Tell me more.” He giggled. “My god, you’re so dirty! I love it. Well, we’ll see if we can arrange that. I have a few days before he gets back. Then we have to find a way to open his eyes. I mean, no one’s monogamous anymore, right? He can’t expect that. Half the city is screwing the other half. As long as we’re open about it, all three of us can have some fun, right? Oh,
rico
. I really need you, as soon as I get back. He’s been running a lot and his body looks really good, but it’s like his sex drive just isn’t the same, yet. He doesn’t do me near as good as you do, Marcos.”

Marcos. Your
friend
Marcos.
Our
friend Marcos… who was going to marry us in Central Park. I wanted to throw up.

“David.” I stepped out around the corner and faced him on the porch. He slammed his phone down and looked at me, panic in his eyes. He was caught.

“Derek! Babe!” He smiled, as if nothing had changed. But we both knew it had. “Are we ready for the airport? Let me just grab my bags.”

“You can take a taxi,” I said. “That is, if you can
find
one in this hick backwater town.”

He didn’t say a word as I turned to leave. He knew better.

■ ■ ■

“There you are! We’ve been looking for you!” Bammy saw me enter the school auditorium through the side door. “Hurry up. We’re starting soon!”

“Bammy,” I said, “I need to talk to you.” I was clearly upset, but it barely registered with her, if at all.

“Derek, I’m sorry,” she said. “I just don’t have time. I promise, we’ll talk after. Now you have to go sit down. Seriously. Go find your seat. It’s in the front row. There’s a ‘Reserved’ sign on it for you.” There were kids running around her in circles while tables and awards and props were being shifted all over the stage behind the curtain. Bammy was definitely putting on a show. Each year’s Christmas assembly always tried to top the last.

“But, Bammy, it’s really important I…”

“Derek!” She practically screeched at me. I froze. “Sorry, I’m freaking out right now. I just need to get through this. Please. We’ll talk after.”

I walked out from the back stage area and into the auditorium, my head cloudy with emotions. I guess my latest trauma and most current “big announcement” would have to wait. There will be plenty of time after the show. I have to remember that not everything is about me. But seriously, is this normal? Does this kind of stuff happen to normal people? My ex-fiancé who I decided to gamble everything on turned out to be a truly horrible person and is now my ex-boyfriend again, while the straight guy that I fell hard for but dropped because he couldn’t commit is now prepared to come out, and in fact, has started
the process. Meanwhile, I moved from Parkville to New York, then back to Parkville, and now I was planning to head back to New York, again. But was that for me, or for David?

I saw the “Reserved for Mr. Walter” sign and walked towards my seat. Luke was sitting three seats down, and I caught his eyes as I walked towards the row. He smiled a nervous smile, and I responded in kind, hands shoved deep in my pockets. I felt sheepish. I need to talk to him. I do. I shouldn’t have walked away like I did earlier. It was a brave thing that he did, coming out to his dad and Rosa. And even more amazing, he did it for himself, not for me. I was proud of him, and I shouldn’t have dismissed him so quickly. Even worse, I dismissed him for David. That prick. I can’t believe that conversation I overheard. And Marcos? Holy shit, I dodged a bullet. What was I thinking? Was I blind? Was it just so easy to put on that old persona, that I didn’t see what was right in front of me the whole time? You can’t go backwards, Derek. Learn that lesson once and for all. Like Tommy said, when it comes to relationships, I have a learning disability.