Homewrecker (Into the Flames #1) (29 page)

Now all I have is a gaping hole where my heart should be because what Dixon left there when he told me to leave, Gunnar ripped to shreds and ground it into the floor when he walked out the door.

Looking in the mirror I’m met with a shell of what I used to see. My eyes, surrounded with dark circles, seem sunken in. My hair is dull, and my skin seems to be too big for my body. The clothes that used to skim my curves perfectly, accentuating the features that I knew drove the men I love crazy, now hang like a wet paper bag.

I tighten the belt holding my jeans up before throwing on a sweatshirt and pulling my hair up, tying it in a knot on the top of my head. It’s obvious to me just by looking at my reflection that I’m broken beyond repair. If I thought losing Dixon hurt, I had barely hit the tip of the iceberg. Don’t get me wrong, there is not one single doubt in my mind that I love Dixon, but losing Gunnar killed me, and losing both of them makes me feel like I’ve lost myself. They took the essential parts of me when they walked away and I can’t get them back. There’s just nothing left, nothing worth scavenging anyway.

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve seen either one of them, and neither will answer my phone calls. I guess I can’t blame either of them for that though. I haven’t even been able to stay in our house because it hurts too much to be there without Gunnar. Lynsey, thankfully, has let me crash in her spare room indefinitely. She knows everything that happened, and I think she feels a little bit of guilt for encouraging me to continue.

Grabbing my keys and phone, I head for the car before I’m late for work again. I feel like lately I’m taking advantage of the fact that my best friend is my boss. I can’t seem to get a hold of myself and have called out the majority of the time she has me down to work since the night everything crashed and burned.

By the time I pull into the parking lot, I’m ready to crawl back into bed. It’s all I want to do lately, not that it helps at all. I’m not sure why I want to spend my time in bed, because it’s not like I sleep. Knowing I won’t wake up and have Gunnar back next to me in bed, or Dixon waiting to see me, makes me both not want to sleep and not want to wake up at the same time. Opening the car door, I make the mistake of checking my phone as I slide my legs out. The second I see Dixon’s name, I stop and swipe the notification to open his message. My hope for him to have a conversation is squashed the second I start reading.

I love u. That was never a lie. Always have. But I can’t hurt him anymore. As much as I love u I can’t be with u because I won’t rub it in his face.

That’s it? All this time ignoring me and he texts me only to tell me that he can’t be with me. I swear if there was anything left of my heart to break, it would be shattering right about now. I’m beginning to wonder why I even carry my phone anymore since it leads to nothing but more heartache. Opening the glove box, I stuff the damn thing in there and finish climbing out of the car.

The bell over the door jingles overhead and just as Lynsey rounds the corner with her usual greeting, she stops short, glaring at me. “I thought I told you not to come in today.”

“Lynsey, I have to work,” I mutter, pleading with her to let me stay.

“And I have to sell shit to stay open,” she counters. Placing her hands on her hips, she watches me carefully, trying to mask the concern in her gaze. “You can’t work until you have a grip on yourself, babe. No one wants to buy rubber cocks and anal plugs from a deteriorating chick who looks like she’s about to break down and cry at the drop of a hat because she lost her guys.”

“I’m not going to lose it,” I lie. After Dixon’s text I’m surprised I’m not already hysterical.

“Bullshit. Customers will take one look at you and think that the toys you’re using aren’t working and they will leave because they’ll think my stock is defective. I can’t have you breaking my business, Kennedy. We’re Batteries Not Included, not SadVag Inc. Go do something productive to getting better.”

“I can’t go anywhere that I haven’t been with one or both of them. I just need something that will occupy my mind enough to not think for a few hours.”

Lynsey begins to mutter to herself while grabbing her keys and purse. “Not sleeping. Not eating. This shit is going to stop one way or another. Three weeks of this shit is way too much” Leaning into me when she gets close, she hugs me tightly before telling me to work out back for a while then rushes out the door, letting it slam behind her.

I want to let my mind wonder what she’s leaving to do, but it’s probably not a good idea. The things that Lynsey is willing to do sometimes scares me, and I’m not even sure she’s leaving because of me, so I really don’t want to know. Instead of wondering, I wander out back and find something to do that will keep me occupied for a while.

Dixon

My phone goes off for the fifth time in the past ten minutes. Like every other time since I watched Kennedy walk out of this room with my heart dragging behind her, and even more so since Gunnar came in here and started throwing punches, I ignore it. It’s probably Kennedy asking me why I felt the need to crush her again. Why couldn’t I leave it alone? Sooner or later she would have been fine, and I would be back to functioning like myself again. Fucking women like the heartless asshole I am.

I hate that I can’t even talk to Gunnar about this because he’d know exactly what I need to do to get over her. Except I’m the reason Gunnar is in the same heartbreaking situation as I am. Instead of pushing down all the feelings I have for Kennedy like I always have, and putting my friendship with Gunnar first, I let myself fall and hope that I could have what they had, but with the same woman.

Kennedy’s not mine, no matter how much I want her to be. She never has been. The truth is, even if I wasn’t friends with Gunnar and their marriage fell apart on its own, and we tried this, she still wouldn’t fully be mine. There’s a part of her that loves him no matter what happens between them. It’s a part that is bigger than both of us, and it can’t be changed. As much as I want this, as much as I’ve always wanted this, it would never work right because of her feelings for him.

I can put on the tough show, tell people I don’t have a heart, and roll through women like you wouldn’t believe, but all of it is a front. I’ve only ever wanted one woman, but I’ve never been the only one she’s wanted. I was shocked when she let me touch her, and continued to be floored every time she asked for more. I took advantage of the situation, but I couldn’t get enough once I got my hands on her. The only woman I have ever loved finally saw me and no matter how shady it was, I needed her. I’d have given her anything she asked for without hesitation. For once it felt like everything in my fucked up life was right for whatever amount of time I got with her. I’d give anything to get that back, but I won’t hurt anyone any more than I already have. This is on me and I’ll gladly live in my hell forever, if that means she and Gunnar can get back to a place they can be happy.

Giving up when my phone goes off again, I grab it, shooting out of bed when I see Lynsey’s name filling my notifications. The only thing I can think of is something happened to Kennedy and I’ve been sitting here ignoring it. Not even bothering to read the texts, I select her contact icon and hit dial as fast as I can make my fingers go.

“Lyn, what’s wrong?” I ask the second she answers.

“Have you even read the messages I sent you? Of course not,” she answers herself sarcastically. “I need to talk to you, emergency meeting me at my house right now.”

Without waiting for me to answer, she hangs up. That’s the thing about Lynsey, she expects to get her way, and it doesn’t matter how you feel about the situation as long as she does. The only reason I get off my bed is because of the word emergency. I’m not on call, but I let the guys know I’m leaving anyway. I think they’ve seen more of me in the past few weeks than ever before, but I can’t seem to get myself to go home. There’s nothing but silence waiting for me. Not even the hope of hearing her giggle, or hell, moan my name.

Jumping into my truck, I slam it into drive and speed as fast as I can across town to Lynsey’s house. I barely get it into park and shut off before I jump out and take her stairs two at a time until I can bang my fist against the door. Pulling it back, Lynsey looks me up and down before shoving a beer at me. That’s a first, usually she’s stealing the fuckers from me so now I’m even more worried than I was.

“Awesome, you look like shit too.”

Too?
“Who else looks like shit?”

Stepping to the side, she ignores my question and waves me in. As soon as I’m through the entryway I know exactly why she ignored me but almost don’t care because the scent of Kennedy surrounds me. It kills me because all I want to do is seek out the source and bury my face in it but I can’t.

“What the fuck, Lynsey?” Gunnar roars. “Did you really think that this was a good fuckin’ idea?”

Standing up, Gunnar glares at me and I half expect him to slam his fist into my jaw again. Like before, I’d stand here and let him do it as many times as he wanted to, because that’s the least I deserve. I know if the situation was reversed I’d do a hell of a lot worse.

Lynsey, stepping between us, makes him stop before he can get close enough to bruise me up again. “Sit down and shut the fuck up.”

“Why the fuck would you bring the one person on the entire planet that I wish would rot in Hell here?”

“I. Said. Sit. Down. I have some things to say to you both.” For a few more seconds, Gunnar stands there staring at her. Finally he caves and finds a seat as far away from the one I choose as possible. “Notice anything?” she asks.

We both look at each other, trying to figure out something that she sees that we don’t. Other than the fact that Gunnar looks like shit, everything seems to be the same. We both shake our heads.

“OK, stubborn asses. You both look like shit and I think it has something to do with the person that’s missing from the room.” Turning to face Gunnar, she shrugs. “So you hate him now? You’re going to let this fuck up decades of friendship?”

“He fucked my wife, Lyn. How the hell would you feel?”

“Do you hate me too?” she asks, ignoring his question.

“Did you fuck my wife too, Lynsey? Is there somethin’ I should know?”

I keep my mouth shut, waiting to see what she’s going to say. Lynsey is the first person to insert herself into a situation when she’s asked to, but usually likes to stay out of the drama of relationships, so I need to know why she’s doing this.

Lynsey shrugs. “Would it matter? If I told you I loved her. That I couldn’t breathe without knowing I could touch her, because I could give her something you can’t… would you hate me?”

“If you made my wife fall out of love with me, yes, I would hate you.”

“She didn’t stop lovin’ you at all,” I mumble, earning me a death glare from across the room. “And she damn sure doesn’t love you any less either.”

“If you hate them, Gunnar, hate me too because I knew. I encouraged it.”

Shoving out of the chair, Gunnar crowds Lynsey. If I didn’t know him as well as I do, I’d stand up and insert myself between them because he looks like he’s going to hit her, but we all know he won’t. He’ll save that for me.

“Why the fuck would you do that?” he yells.

Calm as usual, Lynsey continues. “Because she was confused, Gunnar. This mistake happened and she realized that everything she couldn’t get you to see that she needed, she didn’t have to ask for with him. And then it stopped being because she was curious to see if it was just because she was drunk, and it became something that she needed and it made her smile. Instead of stressing about trying to get you to let loose, she was happy because she had the best of the both of you. Because she was the best version of herself when she had the love of both of you.”

“That’s supposed to make this better?

“No, but you should see that you aren’t the only one hurting because of everything going on. My best friend, your wife, the woman you love, is falling apart. If you guys think you look like shit, you should see her because I want to cry every time I look at her.” She pushes Gunnar back into his chair before turning to me. “You love her?”