Honeymooners A Cautionary Tale (11 page)

I don’t care, Ralph said.
—Raise the roof. Go on, throw some chairs and tables around. See
where that gets you tonight. No one knows me here. I, for one, have
never been in this smelly establishment before. Unlike you and
whoever your Mediterranean Romeo is. I can just see that Greek
goat now. Coarse and dark, hairy-armed, mustachioed. Reeking of
garlic and olives and anchovies. Breath like feta
cheese.

I guess the cat’s out of
that bag, Alice Ann said. —So tell me, Ralph, how long have you
been spying on us, on Zorba and me?

Zorba! Ralph bellowed. —Too
much, I say!

Oh come on, you two, Jim
said.

I only have seven dollars,
Judy said.

Hey, listen, old dog, Jim
said. —We don’t carry credit cards and I don’t have my checkbook
with me, or I’d gladly pick up the tab myself.

I just bet, Ralph said, then
grabbed Alice Ann by an arm and hissed, Zorba, Alice Ann?
Zorba?

I would! Jim told Ralph.
—Why not go ahead and grab it for now and I’ll write you a check
when we get home. Now how’s them apples?

I’ll write you a check
myself when we get home, Judy said. —And, Ralph, you know I’ll keep
my word.

You people just don’t get
the picture, Ralph said. —I can’t use the plastic, even if I wanted
to. They’ll run a check on it, I know they will. Then they’ll call
the plastic police. At the very least, and I kid you not, they’ll
bring that card back on a litde tray all cut to pieces.

Oh, don’t be so goddamn
paranoid, Ralph, Alice Ann said. —They don’t have any reason to
check that card.

They have all the reason in
the world. You have been here before. You and Zorba. Zorba the
goat. God only knows how much paper you’ve hung in this pathetic
place.

Ralph, Alice Ann said, why
did you smoke that dope before we got here? You should never smoke
dope and drink, too. You always get so goddamn paranoid.

They’ll cut up the card,
Ralph said. —It’s true. I know it will happen to us again. I can
just feel it in my bones.

This is all just downright
silly, Judy said. —This is your-all’s wedding anniversary, don’t
forget.

Tell me about it, Alice Ann
said. —Let me count the moments.

Well, buddy, what do you
suggest? Jim asked Ralph. —Who’s going to wash the
dishes?

Why don’t we simply walk
away? Ralph said. —You know, vanish into thin air. Like Alice Ann
said we should have done that night with John Cheever. It’s not
like we haven’t walked our share of checks, Alice Ann.

Happy anniversary, troops,
Alice Ann said, and raised her empty champagne glass. —Well, Ralph,
I’ll have to admit that walking an anniversary dinner check seems
somehow so appropriate for us.

I won’t do any such thing,
Judy said in a huff.

Jim picked up the bill from
the little tray and gave it a gander.

So, okay, Ralph, Jim said,
what’s your plan?

Jim! Judy squeaked, don’t
you even think about any such thing.

We’re all in this boat
together, Ralph said. —Just remember that.

Don’t worry, Jim told his
first wife, I won’t tell Melvin on you.

Who? Ralph said.

Jim, please, Judy
said.

He’s a friend of Zorba’s,
Jim told Ralph.

It will be a failure of
imagination not to walk this check, Ralph said. —To coin a phrase.
Hey, it’ll be simple. I’ll order some more champagne, see. Mumm’s,
this time. Two bottles of Mumm’s. As though we’ve decided to
celebrate some more, after all. As though we’ve decided the evening
is young. As though we’ve decided life is too short not to
celebrate until the cows come home. Then after a few toasts you two
just get up and depart. As though you’re simply leaving before we,
the anniversary couple, are. As though you told the babysitter
you’d be home a little before the cows. Then mosey on out and get
the car warmed up and simply wait for us to effect our own clean
getaway. See, you two are not really even involved in this
business at all. Just wait for us outside, ready to roll with a
moment’s notice. Just be ready to peel out. To leave rubber, if it
comes to that. Then Alice Ann can act as though she’s going to
return to the, er, little girls’ room for another marathon poop,
and she can simply slip out the bar-side’s door instead. Then I’ll
slip out. I’ll be the last one to go. I’ve already thought of a
foolproof plan. It’ll all be a piece of cake. Alice Ann and I have
done this dozens of times.

Did you kids know I was once
in an Off Broadway play? Alice Ann said. —I was. How many times
have I told you that? But I was. I could have had a different
life.

A cakewalk, Ralph said. —No
fooling.

I’ve never done anything
like this in my entire life, Judy said.

Fallen Homecoming Queens are
capable of anything, Jim said.

Don’t you see, Ralph said,
the beauty of my plan is that none of you guys really runs any risk
at all. I’ll be the last one to leave. I’ll run all the personal
risk.

Risk, Ralph? Alice Ann said.
—What do you know about personal risk? I once thought I was
knocked up by a famous black actor. I banged on his door. I told
him to his face. But he denied any responsibility. He told me to go
back to my husband. So here I sit. End of story.

A cakewalk, Ralph
said.

So here I sit celebrating my
seventeenth wedding anniversary, Alice Ann said. —Hey, I have a
bright idea, troops. Let’s go parking tonight. While Ralph and I
still have the convertible, anyway. Before the court takes it away.
We’ll find a place up in the hills so we can look out over the
lights. We’ll keep the top down. We can let the boys feel us up,
hon. We’ll all dry-hump and finger-fuck like in the old days. We’ll
get seriously nude. We’ll lie there in that hot dark with
absolutely nothing but the radio on.

So we won’t really be
involved? Judy asked Ralph.

Right, Ralph said. —Heck,
even if they stop me, so what? What’s the worst that can happen?
I’ll act as though there was a little misunderstanding about who
was supposed to pick up the tab. Then, as a last resort, I’ll try
to push my plastic. Then, by golly, I’ll wash some dishes, if it
comes to that, sweep some floors, blow the cooks. But you guys will
be long gone.

Ralph, sweetie-pie, Alice
Ann said, if you’re going to stiff a bill, stiff a serious bill. Do
it with a litde real flair, dearest. Why don’t we set up the whole
house? Tell the waitress the anniversary saps want to order the
house’s best champagne for everybody in the place. Including the
cooks. So then everybody can get in on the celebration of our
seventeenth wedding anniversary. Then we’ll stiff that bill. Now,
that would be a bill worth stiffing. You could even write one of
your sad, ordinary, little stories about stiffing a bill like that.
Use your imagination for once, Ralph.

You always want to go too
far, Alice Ann, Ralph said. —You have never understood limits.
There have to be some limits in life.

Oh come on, Ralph, Alice Ann
said. —Please show a little imagination for once, please. You know,
Ralph, that’s always been your problem, Ralph. You must know that
by now. You just don’t have enough imagination for the big time,
Ralph.

I have just as much
imagination as the next fellow, Ralph said. —You just want to make
a big scene, that’s all. You’re dying to cause a scene. So you can
take the credit. Alice Ann loves to star in big scenes, folks. And
the more sordid the scene, the better.

I’m simply doing what you
want me to do, Ralph, Alice Ann said. —Deep in your heart, you want
me to cause a scene. That’s always been my main function in this
so-called marriage. So you won’t have to get up tomorrow and use
your imagination, you cocksucker.

Hey, you two, come on, Jim
said.

Two bottles should do the
trick nicely, Ralph said. Ralph picked up the lantern and waved it
in the air to get the attention of the waitress, who was several
tables away. —You guys go ahead and order up some of their best
bubbly. Meanwhile, I need another drink. A stiff one. In the worst
way. Who else needs another drink? Why don’t I just slip off to the
bar and get us all another round, while we’re waiting for that
waitress to reenter our lives.

Celestial
Navigation

Through clicking windshield
wipers Jim stared at stars and tried to recall those constellations
he had memorized as a boy. Ralph’s hands were high on the steering
wheel, and now and then he twisted the wheel this way or that, as
though turning into imaginary curves on the California shopping
center’s parking lot. Every now and then Ralph revved up the
engine. But he made no move to put the ragtop into gear. The
clicking wipers drew Jim’s eyes to the windshield’s curved glass,
where he saw Ralph’s and his faces reflected like death masks. Jim
suddenly wondered who the real witness to these events in their
lives was, Ralph or him, and whose memory they would fill
meaningfully. For the very first time in their friendship Jim had
this sudden fear of being lost, or submerged, as it were, in
Ralph’s memory or imagination or, worst of all, his future fame.
Then Ralph reached forward and turned off the windshield wipers.
Before Jim could break the focus of his concentration from their
creepy reflections on the curved glass of the windshield, Ralph
said, Let me get this straight, our wives are under
arrest?

Not exactly, Jim said. —But
there are threats. Our wives are sitting in the manager’s office
even as we speak. Alice Ann is raising hell. My blushing bride is
seething. You might say our wives are being sort of held
hostage.

How far has Alice Ann gone?
Ralph said. He revved up the engine again, and then he began
twisting the radio dial, until he settled upon a cool jazz station,
where Chet Baker was singing “Let’s Get Lost.** —Has she struck
anybody yet? She punched out a cop once. Down in Santa Barbara.
What happened, anyway? Don’t leave anything out.

Right now Alice Ann is in
her mid-to-late snarling stage, I’d say. No blood has been drawn
yet. She almost tossed her drink in the manager’s face, but I
caught her. The manager, who is this big, fat, oily fellow, by the
way, saw you duck out, that’s what happened.

Well, maybe I was simply
stepping out for a breath of fresh air. Did anybody stop to
consider that? Maybe give me the benefit of the doubt?

The manager watched you get
in the ragtop.

I was careful, Ralph said.
—I covered my tracks. How did that manager spot me, anyway? Did
somebody finger me? Did you finger me?

I would have, you asshole,
in a heartbeat, Jim told Ralph. —If I had had the chance. I knew
you were up to something no good. The manager just had his eye on
you, that’s all.

From the start? You mean all
night?

Who knows. Probably. They
probably have profiles of people like you. like they have of
terrorist types at airports.

You think so?

I would if I owned a
restaurant, Jim said. He took a joint from his shirt pocket and
fired it up.

Can I have a little hit on
that dooby? Ralph said.

Do you really think you
deserve one, Ralph?

Please.

Just don’t Bogart it as
usual, Ralph, Jim said, and reluctantly passed that asshole the
joint.

How did you escape? Ralph
said, and then took one of his typical bug-eyed pulls on the
joint.

I didn’t escape, Ralph. I
told them this was all just a sorry mix-up. I told the manager you
had misplaced your wallet somewhere, and you simply went out to
search in the vehicle. I’m supposed to be helping you find
it.

And he believed
you?

Probably not. But, hey, they
have our wives. Actually, everything was relatively all right
until Alice Ann got pissed. The manager just informed us that
you’d been observed leaving the premises. Then Alice Ann went a
little nuts.

See, I told you she was
going nuts. Didn’t I tell you that? She just has to do that,
though, go really nuts, every once in a while. But that’s another
story. I can’t talk about that.

My bride is properly
mortified, of course. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Basically, all Alice Ann really wants is to get her hands on you.
Which I’m all for. I vote for that. I don’t think those people even
care about that big bill right now. I think they would almost be
satisfied with getting Alice Ann off their hands.