Honeymooners A Cautionary Tale (31 page)

Okay, goddamn it, anyway,
where are they? Ralph asked Alice Ann the moment he and Jim found
the women sitting together on a couch in the living room of Ralph
and Alice Ann’s house looking through a photo album.

Where are whom, may I ask?
Alice Ann said.

The riffraff, Ralph said.
—The greaseball bikers.

The scumbag sailors, Jim
said.

You just missed them, Alice
Ann said, and she lit a cigarette.

I’ll bet, Ralph said.
—You’ve probably got a tower of turds or two hidden around here
someplace.

I never could fool you,
Ralph, could I? Alice Ann said.

Alice Ann has been giving me
a tour, Ralph, Lindsay said. —I love your home.

Where were you, anyway?
Ralph addressed Lindsay.

Oh, tarrying and talking,
Lindsay said.

For hours? For hours? Ralph
hissed. —Where have you two been? What have you two been up to? We
have a right to know. We’re your husbands, after all. Don’t forget
that.

You, Ralph, are the one
around here who forgets important things, Alice Ann
said.

I asked you where you two
have been, Ralph said. —I demand an answer right now. And don’t
bother to lie. If you’re thinking about telling lie one, just
forget it. It won’t wash around here.

I love your new lamps,
Ralph, Lindsay said.

I don’t think I like your
tone of voice, Ralph, Alice Ann said.

My tone of voice? Ralph
said. —Well, forgive me, please. Pretty please.

Ralph, we were simply
chatting, Lindsay said. —We lost track of time. We had a lot to
catch up on. About four thousand years* worth.

My so-called goddamn tone of
voice? Ralph said. He picked up a champagne bottle from the coffee
table and shook it. He tilted his head back and polished off what
was left, whereupon he threw the empty bottle across the room
against the brick fireplace. The bottle exploded and shattered
glass showered the room. Lindsay screamed and jumped up from the
couch. Ralph clutched Lindsay by an arm. —How could you? Ralph said
to Lindsay through gritted teeth.

Hey, Jim said, and shoved
Ralph. As Ralph turned toward him, Jim cocked his right.

Alice Ann is bleeding,
Lindsay said. —A piece of bottle hit her.

From a spot at her hairline
a thin stream of blood ran down the right side of Alice Ann’s face.
Alice Ann smiled and took a deep drag off her cigarette. The blood
was forming and dripping off the point of her chin. Alice Ann
flicked her cigarette ashes into a large ashtray on the coffee
table.

Let me look at that, Jim
said, and hurried over to Alice Ann. He pulled a handkerchief out
of his back pocket and pressed it to Alice Ann's
forehead.

What the fuck’s going on out
here? Ralph’s daughter said.

She was standing in the
hallway door with her hands on her hips. She was wearing a
different black T-shirt with a Day-Glo devil on its front, and her
unshaven legs were still bare.

This business out here is
none of your affair, young lady, Ralph said to her.

Lindsay, Alice Ann said,
this is my daughter in this lifetime. Honey, I’d like for you to
meet Lindsay, your uncle Jim’s new wife.

Hello, Lindsay said. —I
understand you want to be a veterinarian.

So you’re her, Ralph’s
daughter said. —So what’s happening out here anyhow, fucking World
War III or some shit? Mom, could you clue me in as to why the fuck
your head is bleeding, Mom?

Or follow your mother into
the theater, Lindsay said.

It’s just a scratch, Jim
said. —We’ll just wash it up and put a Band-Aid on it.

This business is far from
over, Ralph said. —I’m all worked up about this business. There has
to be a limit.

I couldn’t agree more, Alice
Ann said. She stubbed her cigarette out in the ashtray on the
coffee table and then picked the ashtray up over her head and threw
it into the fireplace.

Holy moly! Jim
said.

Alice Ann, honey! Lindsay
said.

You think that’s something,
Ralph said, and picked up one of the new lamps, a heavy pottery
affair shaped to resemble a Mexican peasant having a siesta, his
sombrero pulled low over his droopy-mustachioed face.

You’re fucking crazy, Dad,
man! Ralph’s daughter informed him.

Jesus, old Ralph, Jim said.
—Cool it, man.

Ralph, Lindsay said.
—Please.

I’m not the crazy one around
here, Ralph said. —I don’t know why you people can’t get that
straight.

Just go ahead and do it,
Ralph, Alice Ann said. —We are all waiting with bated
breath.

You think I won’t, Ralph
said.

Tick-tock, Alice Ann
said.

I’m going to call the
sheriff again, Ralph’s daughter said. —I will, Dad. You know I
will, man.

Why not? Ralph said. —Let’s
get everybody in on our own personal, private family
dirt.

I will, Dad. I
will!

Please, Ralph, Lindsay said.
—Please don’t, hon.

No, you won’t either, young
lady, Ralph said, and carefully put the lamp back down on the end
table by the couch. Ralph walked over to the phone on a small table
by the hall door. With a single jerk Ralph pulled the phone cord
out of its wall socket.

Real cute, Dad. Ralph’s
daughter said.

That ends any unnecessary
outgoing around here, Ralph said, and wiped his hands. —And any
incoming, too, for that matter. Who needs them? That phone jumps
when it rings. That phone rings only in alarm.

Ralph never finishes
anything he starts, Alice Ann said. She stood up and unplugged the
large matching lamp on the table at her end of the couch. Alice Ann
heaved it up and swung it underarm into the fireplace, where its
smash sounded like a huge egg being cracked.

You’re the cause of all this
shit in the first place! Ralph’s daughter screamed at
Lindsay.

Lindsay flung herself from
the room.

You had no call to say that,
Jim said to Ralph’s daughter.

Hey, man, I just call ’em
like I see ’em was Ralph’s daughter’s reply to Jim.

2

When Jim reached Lindsay she
had her huge purse on the car fender and she was searching through
it frantically.

Looking for something
important? Jim said, and leaned back against the car.

I intend to get the fuck out
of this nuthouse, Lindsay said, and started to sob. Tears streamed
down her face. —If I can ever find my fucking keys.

These guys? Jim said, and
dangled the keys he took from his pocket.

Thank you, Lindsay said, and
held out her hand for them. —Now let’s go.

I’m not going anywhere just
yet, Jim said, and closed the keys in his fist.

Would you please return my
keys to me?

What’s your hurry? Where do
you want to go, anyway? Maybe you’re exactly where you
belong.

This is my car.

So?

Prick.

Cunt.

Lindsay lunged for the keys
in Jim’s hand, and they began to struggle, Lindsay grabbing at the
keys and Jim dangling them out of her reach. Finally Lindsay fell
back against a car door gasping for air.

You better quit smoking,
kiddo, Jim said, and leaned back against the car also. —Ralph still
loves you, you know? Is that a two-way street, Lindsay? Is that why
you called him “hon’’?

God, what a mistake this has
all been, Lindsay said.

You said it
first.

God knows I’ve tried to get
this marriage off the ground.

You have lied to me from the
first, Jim said.

I never did. You lied to
me.

Not me. You must be
confusing me with old rotten Ralph again.

You lied about loving me.
Just give me my car keys, please.

Who do you think I love,
then?

Your first wife, that’s who.
Why don’t you just go back to her?

Don’t think I
couldn’t.

Well, do it, then. Let her
finish raising you. At least you liked to fuck her. Just give me
the keys to my car, Jim, so that I may leave this place.

You said I should consider
this vehicle our car.

That was before.

Before what?

Before I decided to divorce
you.

I hope you and Ralph have a
long and happy life together.

They heard shouts from
inside the house and then the sound of shattering glass. They heard
something else glass being smashed, and then Ralph's daughter ran
out the kitchen door.

I told them I would, was all
Ralph's daughter said as she ran past Jim and Lindsay in the
driveway.

Alice Ann said that she and
Ralph are trying to have another child, Lindsay said.

Bullshit, Jim said. —Ralph
would drown it in the toilet.

Is that what you would
do?

What kind of question is
that?

You have never loved me. You
don’t even like me much, do you? Lindsay said, and grabbed the keys
from Jim’s hand. Jim caught her wrist and squeezed, and Lindsay
dropped the keys onto the gravel. When Jim bent down to scoop them
up, Lindsay took a kick at his hand.

You bitch! Jim said, and
grabbed Lindsay by the shoulders.

Is this where you strike me?
Lindsay said, and lifted her chin.

I’ve never hit a woman in my
life, Jim said, and let her go.

Well, why don’t you simply
think of me as merely your soon- to-be second ex-wife, if that
makes it easier.

I’d never hit you. You know
that.

You hit people. You hurt my
wrist.

I didn’t mean to.

You just don’t know your own
strength, is that it?

Sometimes I
don’t.

We have not made love in
over three weeks.

I don’t believe that.
Anyway, you know how hard I’ve been working lately.

Over three weeks. It’s the
truth. You don’t love me.

What about this morning? Jim
said.

You mean our funny-fuck?
Well, actually it was simply peachy- keen. But does that mean we
won’t make love unless there happens to be a cave
nearby?

Cute, Lindsay.

Is our marriage bed too
boring?

I didn’t say
that.

Oh, I see. So, when I get
laid from now on, I’ll just have to setde for getting some foreign
substances like sand up my ass. That’s really something to look
forward to. A sex life with sand or fog up one’s rear end. And
one’s tits turning blue.

I think I best mosey along
on down the old trail now, Jim said, and opened the car
door.

That is my car,
Jim.

Think I’ll mosey back up to
Montana and try again, Jim said, and closed and locked the
door.

Jim.

Thanks for the memories,
ma’am, Jim said, and started the engine.

I bought that car with my
own money.

Hey, I’m just borrowing it
for a spell. Lighten up, ma’am.

Don’t call me
that.

I'll park it in front of
your folks’ house, ma’am, Jim said, and rolled up the window.
—Happy trails to you, ma'am, Jim mouthed silently through the
window.

I'm the one who is really
from Montana, Lindsay said, and got down on her knees in the
driveway. Lindsay rolled onto her back and scooted with some
difficulty partway under the car. Jim turned the engine off and got
out of the car. He knelt down beside where Lindsay's legs stuck
out.