Honor Reclaimed (All About Honor) (31 page)

“Can you not see the
comparison?
 
You did not ask for my
presence in your bed that night.
 
For all practical purposes, I raped you.
 
Did you not feel like you had been violated?
 
I know you acted like you did that
night.”
 
She would not let him off
the hook.

“I did, but that was different,” he
answered.

“Would you like to explain to me
how?
 
You did not ask for, nor
solicit, my presence in your bed.
 
You had no intention of being unfaithful to your wife.
 
You were hurt that you had broken your
vows to your spouse against your will.
 
How does that differ from what Eirian suffered?
 
She had no idea that what happened
would happen when she asked Andrew to accompany her.
 
She was unaware, albeit perhaps naïvely, of the extent of
Drew’s feelings for her.
 
You
however were not.
 
You should have
shared your concerns with her.
 
If
you had, she never would have put herself or Drew in that position.
 
Obviously, you were not sure of her
feelings or you would not have been so hesitant to confide in her.
 
Your insecurity contributed to the
outcome.
 
You have to own up to
your responsibility in this.
 
You
unintentionally set your wife up for what happened to her.”
 
Gwen was trying so hard to reach John
and to make him understand.

“Even if there is some truth to what
you are saying she should have stopped him.”
 
John countered.

“Like you stopped me?
 
You were totally unprepared for what
happened between us, as she was with Drew.
 
Might I remind you that Eirian is just a slip of a woman,
about half the size of Andrew?
 
Being delirious, he employed his full strength to accomplish his
desire.
 
The Andrew we both know
would never have forced himself on an unwilling woman, but he was not in his
right mind, not in control of his behaviors.
 
Eirian tells me she had bruises from her attempt to fight
him off.
 
Does that indicate that
she was a willing partner to you?”
 
Gwen would not let up.

“I have thought of that, but I just
can not get past this.
 
I need
time.”
 
John was feeling less sure
of himself.

“You need time, but meanwhile your
wife needs your support.
 
Do you
not understand?
 
She was
violated!
 
She was held down and
forced against her will to submit to the violation of her body.
 
You could not possibly understand what
it means to a woman to be held down while someone enters your body against your
will.
 
There is no greater sense of
violation.”
 
Gwen’s voice cracked,
but she quickly regained control.
 
She would not let him see her cry.

Suddenly John understood that there
were things about Gwen’s past that he still did not know.
 
He knew, without being told, that she
too had been violated at some time in her life.
 
He would be willing to bet that the rape was responsible for
the fact that she was not a virgin when they were first together.
 
He had always wondered.
 

“Yes, it could have been worse, it
could have been someone who did not love her or care about her feelings, but
the fact remains she was raped.
 
If
you want to save your marriage, you must offer her that support.
 
It is better late than never.
 
I never thought I would have to say
this to you of all people, but stand up and be a man, your wife needs
you!”
 
Gwen had given it her best
effort.
 
She did not know what else
to say.
 
After taking the drink out
of his hand, she turned on her heels and left him alone to think about what she
had said.

John knew Gwen was right about
everything she said.
 
He found that
knowing and believing are sometimes two different things.
 
He had always believed in his wife,
this was no time to change.
 
The
bottom line was that he was not willing to loose her and he would do whatever
it took to win her back.
 

Tossing down that contents of his
glass Gwen had set aside, he took a deep breathe, squared his shoulders, and
taking the stairs two at a time went directly to their rooms to beg Eirian to
forgive him.
 
He would crawl on his
knees if necessary to win her back.

His courage almost failed him as he
approached the door to his chambers.
 
He stood outside the portal for a few minutes trying to work through
what he was going to say to her in his mind.
 
All he could think of was the word “grovel”.
 
He was willing to grovel if
necessary.
 
Quietly opening the
door, he found Eirian stretched out on the bed with her back to the door.
 
She was crying quietly into her pillow.
 
John approached the bed without her
even realizing that he was in the room.
 
The first time she was aware of his presence was when he crawled into
bed beside her, stretching out beside her, and taking her into his arms.

He held her gently in his arms.
 
“Eirian, I love you.
 
Please forgive me for doubting
you.
 
You have never given me any
cause to doubt your loyalty.
 
I let
you down and for that I am very sorry.
 
Is there anything that I can do to make this right again?”
 
She had rolled over to face him as he
talked.
 
He continued to hold her
in his arms as he brushed the loose strands of her hair back out of her
face.
 
He kissed her gently on her
forehead, and when she did not pull away or resist his touch, he moved lower to
kissing her eyes, and then her mouth.
 
At first, she just lay quietly in his arms, neither resisting nor
responding to his caresses.
 
Eventually,
she began to relax and then to reciprocate.
 

“Baby, I love you.
 
Can we put this last month behind
us?
 
I would like for us to return
home and start over again.
 
If you
leave me I do not know what I will do.”
 
John’s voice cracked.

“I love you too.
 
I do not want to leave you, but I
cannot continue to live like we were.
 
Do you truly mean what you are saying this time?
 
Do you understand what I went
through?”
 
She needed to know that
he truly understood and was not just saying what she needed to hear at the
moment.

“I think I do.
 
Drew took something from you that
caused you more than just physical pain.
 
He violated your confidence and made you doubt who you really were.
 
You felt dirty and confused, and I was
not there to help you sort it out.
 
For that, I am very sorry.
 
I am here for you now, if you will accept me.”

“I am willing to try again John, but
I warn you now, I can not keep going through this.”
 
She had to be honest with him.

“You will not have to.
 
Gwen finally helped me to understand.
 
You were right about Gwen and me.
 
I was very much in love with her at one
time, but she betrayed me and chose Thomas over me because he would inherit the
family title.
 
I had never fully
forgiven her until recently.
 
She
has proven herself to be an invaluable friend to both of us.”
 
John was truly proud to claim her as
his friend.

John would have liked to seal their
relationship by making love to his wife but, once again, nature prevented
it.
 
He would not complain however,
as he now did not have to face what he would do if Eirian bore another man’s
child.

As John held Eirian in his arms, he
formulated a plan to court his wife.
 
They had never had a true courtship.
 
There had been nothing romantic about their wedding or the
beginning of their marriage.
 
They
had always been saddled with the responsibilities of the children, and while
that would never change, he determined to put her needs and her desires on the
top of his priority list.
 
He would
do everything in his power to insure her happiness.

John proved true.
 
He began immediately to try to make
Eirian understand how much he did love her.
 
He brought her small gifts, preformed numerous small favors,
and took romantic strolls with her in the garden complete with stolen kisses
under the moonlight.
 

Gwen was incredibly pleased with the
outcome of her talk with John.
 
She
still wanted to do something to enhance the recovery and set about trying to
determine her best options.
 
It
occurred to her that they had never had anytime alone, except the trip from the
inn to Severn Manor and then the very tense and strained trip home
afterwards.
 
Eirian had already
been pregnant when they got married and they had a ready-made family with three
children and a new born.
 
They
needed a wedding trip, and she would see to it that they got one, albeit a few
years late.
 

Gwen was sitting in the parlor as
John passed by.
 
She called out to
him, “John, do you have a moment?”

“For you, my dear, anytime”, John
replied.

“Could you close the door for a
moment?” she asked.

Closing the door he turned to her,
“What can I do for you.
 
To what do
I owe the honor of this interview?”
 
He was ashamed that he could not be in the same room alone with her and
not flash back to the dread he used to feel when she pursued him so actively
after she and Thomas were first married.
 
Those days were long past, but he still had to suppress those feelings
at such times.

“It is not so much a matter of what
you can do for me as it is what I can do for you”, she replied.

“And just what would that be, my dear?”
 
He was still not completely comfortable
with the direction this conversation seemed to be leading, yet Gwen did not
seem to be acting seductively in any fashion.

“I have been so pleased to see the
improvement in your relationship with Eirian.
 
I have seen how you have gone out of your way to romance
her, but I still sense some reluctance on her part to relax and accept your
efforts at face value.
 
She needs
time away from the daily stress that goes with raising a young family.
 
Maybe if she were able to relax enough
she would begin to take more interest in repairing your marriage.”
 
Gwen sounded hopeful.

“Has it been that obvious?”
 
John was a little embarrassed that his
cousins were speculating about and discussing his love life.

“Only because we live in such close
proximity and because we know the both of you so well.
 
John, let us keep the children again
for a few months and you take Eirian on a belated honeymoon.
 
There is no place more romantic than
Paris.
 
The time alone with her,
without outside pressures, may be just what she needs.
 
Share this romantic adventure free from
the pressures of family and business and see if things to not just fall back
into place naturally.”
 
Gwen was
very persuasive.

“Gwen, when did you become so
smart?”
 
John gathered Gwen in his
arms and kissed her firmly on the top of her head.
 
He released her quickly when he realized that he was not
entirely immune to her charms after all.
 
He wondered if she had felt it too.

She had.

Chapter
16

It had taken a good deal of talking
and planning to convince Eirian that she could leave the children.
 
It was not that she feared for their
well-being
.
 
She
knew that Gwen and Thomas would take care of them as their own; she just hated
to be separated from them that long.
 
John had wanted to take her to several of Europe’s capitals, something
of a Grand Tour, but he could only convince her to agree to go to Paris.
 
She would not be separated from the
children for longer than that.
 
Within the month, they were packed and loaded upon the ship that would
transport them across the channel to France.
 

Eirian’s life had taken so many
unexpected turns.
 
Being raised in
the Welsh countryside, she had never thought it possible that she would see so
many of the wonders of the world.
 
She had not only visited London, but had lived there and been a part of
the social scene for almost four years.
 
Now she was going to visit another of the major cities of Europe, Paris.

They landed in Le
Harve
, and then traveled down the
Siene
to Paris.
 
Paris was
indescribable.
 
It was glorious and
the fact that they were guests in the home of
Catherine de
Vivonne, Marquise de Rambouillet,
put
them at the center of
social and literary circles.
 
Through
Madame
de
Rambouillet
they met the best minds Paris had to
offer.
 
Madame de
Rambouillet
welcomed both royalty and the common man to her
home.
 
Her only requirement was
that they behave themselves as ladies and gentlemen.
 
Madame had spent her time at court and was appalled by the
obscene behavior of
it’s
members.
 
She retired from court and opened her
home to persons of good manners, good taste and excellent intelligence.

The couple spent several happy weeks
in the stimulating company of Madame de
Rambouillet
and her guests.
 
They visited the
many beautiful cathedrals of Paris and they were even invited to view the royal
art collection at the Louvre.
 
Their days were full of intellectual stimulation and artistic
enrichment, but their nights were filled with passion.
 
John could not have been happier with
the results of the plans set in motion by Gwen.

One evening while “en salon” Eirian
overheard two ladies discussing their children, the problems of teething,
thumb-sucking
, and toilet training.
 
She was overwhelmed with the need to be
with her own children.
 
She
suddenly missed them so dearly that she had to swallow back tears.
 
She knew she would have to tell John
that she was ready to return home, but he was enjoying himself so much that she
hated to curtail their visit.

For several days she battled with
herself, trying to ignore her desires so that she did not disappoint her
husband.

She could have saved herself the
effort as John was so attuned to her needs at this point that he knew almost to
the minute when the joy went out of the trip for her.
 
While he noted the change, he was uncertain of the
cause.
 
He feared that their
relationship was in danger of sliding back into the abyss it was in before
Gwen’s intervention.
 
He was unsure
of the best way to approach the subject.
 

Unsure of himself, he was a bit
afraid to initiate any love making for fear of being rejected.
 
He was both pleased and surprised when
Eirian broached the subject.

“Husband, have I displeased you in
someway?”
 
Eirian was obviously upset.

“Not at all my dear.
 
Why would you ask?”
 
He responded.

“You seem to have grown cold all of
a sudden.
 
I have so enjoyed our
passion lately, but suddenly you seem to have no interest in making love to
me.”
 
Her voice cracked showing him
the depth of her fears.

“Baby, I thought you were upset with
me for some reason.
 
You have
seemed so sad for the last several days.
 
I thought I had unintentionally done something to offend you.
 
I did not want to pressure you for
something you might be uncomfortable with.
 
Do you not know that I love you?”
 
He was both hurt and relieved.

“Why did you not ask me what was
bothering me?”
 
She searched his
face while she waited for an answer.

Taking a few second to decide
whether to be honest with her or not he finally replied, “I was afraid of what
you might answer.”

“You were afraid that I was thinking
about Drew.” It was more of a statement than a question.

John could not look her in the
eye.
 
With his head hanging down he
quietly confirmed her statement. “Yes,” he said quietly.

“Oh John.
 
I thought we had come so far and hoped that we had put that
behind us.
 
Will this always come
between us?” She was incredibly sad.

“Baby, I really have come a long
way.
 
I was not angry, just sad,
and I was willing to give you time to work your way through this.
 
I am really trying hard to deal with
this, I promise.
 
I no longer blame
you.
 
I am just sad because of the
strain it has caused our marriage.
 
I love you.
 
I need you so
much!”
 
He took her in his arms and
kissed her with all the passion he had held in check for the last few days.

As they lay in bed later cooling
down and waiting for their bodies to return to earth, John held Eirain close
with her head on his shoulder.
 
“Baby, why have you been sad the last few days?”
 
He asked.

“John, I have had a wonderful time,
but I am ready to go home.
 
I miss
our children incredibly,” again her voice cracked.

“I miss them too, but I was hoping
to take you to Venice and possibly on to Florence before we returned home.
 
They are both lovely and romantic
cities.”
 
John hated to return to
reality and he was not ready to share her with the family yet.

“I am afraid I will be too large to
travel by the time we would be ready to return home as I am already almost two
months gone with your child.
 
We
should be visited by the stork again in early spring.”

Eirian was pleased with his initial
reaction of delight, but it was quickly followed by a look of concern.
 
His fear of losing her the same way
that he lost Johane would never fully leave him.

“How are you feeling?
 
Have you been sick at all”, he asked?

“No, not yet.
 
I would like to return home before it
has a chance to set in.
 
Making the
crossing with morning sickness would not be pleasant.” She looked a little green
just thinking about it.

“I will begin to make the
arrangements tomorrow morning.
 
Have I told you lately, Madame Lewis, that I love you?”
 
John pulled her closer to him and
kissed her tenderly.

Edward was born in the spring and
followed eighteen months later by his little sister Elizabeth, and just two
years later, Morgan made his appearance.

Once again, Eirian realized that she
was with child.
 
She was almost
embarrassed to tell John that he was once again going to be a father.
 
Each time she had found herself
pregnant, John would withdraw into himself to some extent until the baby was
safely born and she was out of danger from complications.
 
After the birth of Morgan, John had
insisted on Eirian consulting with the midwife on methods to avoid any more
pregnancies.
 
Eirian had been provided
with an ointment, which she was to use to saturate a piece of linen.
 
The linen was then to be place at the
mouth of the womb prior to making love.
 
It was messy and inconvenient, but John had insisted that they use it
every time they made love.
 
Despite
their precautions, here she was pregnant again.

John had little choice but to accept
the pregnancy with good grace.
 
He
commented to Eirian that God must have a plan for this child as he had
circumvented their plans.

Sarah was born Christmas Eve in the
middle of a driving snowstorm.
 
Eirian’s labor was so quick and effortless that the midwife did not have
time to arrive before the birth.
 
John ended up delivering his own child.
 
Nothing had touched him the way that being the first person
to hold this child in his arms, immediately after receiving it from her
mother’s womb, did.
 

She was a beautiful child.
 
While her eyes were blue, as with all
babies, they even then had a tinge of green from the moment of her birth.
 
Her hair was a beautiful strawberry blonde,
so like her mother’s, with sweet curls that gently framed her face.
 
She was happy and brought great joy to
her whole family.
 
The boys doted
on her and the girls adored her.
 
She reminded John of Eirain when she was a little girl, being smart and inquisitive,
wanting to examine everything in her environment.
 

Life in general seemed blessed at
the Priory in that spring of 1642.