Hoodie (25 page)

“Stop saying that,” Emma demanded.

“What do you want me to say, huh? You want me to give you my blessing? I’m not your parents, Emma.”

“I want you to be okay with it,” Emma pleaded.

“Well, I’m not, okay? And you’re putting me in a really awkward position here. I mean, come on Emma, have you looked around our school lately? It’s not exactly that melting pot we keep learning about in history. Blacks stay with blacks. Whites stay with whites. Mexicans stay with Mexicans. Are you seeing the pattern?”

“I don’t care about the factions in our school, Morgan. I care about your opinion. And anyway, we’re done in, like, four weeks. Who cares?”

Morgan was silent for a moment. She wanted to continue chiding Emma, making her feel uncomfortable for the choice she made, asking her the difficult questions she knew Emma could not answer, but curiosity over her friend’s new, potentially risky relationship won out.

“Is he big?” she asked, her tone completely changed.

“What?”

“You know. Does he have a big dick?” Morgan asked.

“Oh my God. I’m so not answering that question,” Emma replied mortified.

“Well, I keep hearing about how black guys have big dicks,” Morgan said.

Emma cracked a smile.

“So he
is
big,” Morgan said. She could not help it as the grin broke out on her own face.

“I didn’t say a word,” Emma replied, and both girls giggled.

“This is just so weird, Emma,” Morgan said trying for seriousness. “I’m sorry for being mean about it, I really am. But you’ve got to see where I’m coming from. My best friend is getting it on with a black guy.”

“It’s not just about sex,” Emma said.

“I know, I know, but that’s all I can think about,” Morgan confessed.

The girls were silent for a moment.

“Do you really think I’m living in a fairytale?” Emma asked.

“Yes. Look Emma, I’m just gonna be straight with you. I think you’re gonna get hurt. And I’m not saying that he’ll necessarily be the one to hurt you. I just think that the situation is not going to work out the way you want it to.”

“I’m not going to get hurt,” Emma argued.

Morgan grunted and walked into a bathroom stall.

“I won’t, Morgan,” Emma insisted, but the image of Nate standing at her car door flashed into her mind making her doubt her resolve.
“Yo’ daddy know you fuckin’ a nigga?”
he had said, and she shivered involuntarily.

“Do Aubrey or Sarah know?” Morgan asked from inside the stall.

“No.”

“Good, because I’d have been pissed if you told them before telling me,” Morgan said. “What about your parents?”

“Are you insane?” Emma stood in front of the bathroom mirror and studied her reflection. “They think we work on our project at your house,” she said finally. “When we’re not at mine.”

The bathroom stall door flew open. “Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry,” Emma replied. “I really am. But I can’t tell them I’ve been going to his house.”

Morgan was shocked. “You’ve been going to his house?!”

“Well, yeah. Where did you think we did our work?”

“I don’t know. At the library. At a damn park!” Morgan said, scrubbing her hands ferociously. “His house? Emma, isn’t that, like, dangerous or something? Where does he live exactly?”

Emma didn’t respond.

“Hello? I’m talking to you. Where does he live?” Morgan insisted.

“West Highland Park,” Emma said quietly.

Morgan rolled her eyes. “God help us,” she muttered wiping her hands with a paper towel and tossing it in the trash can.

“It’s not that bad. I mean, it’s not like there’s drive-by shootings or blatant drug deals going on.”

Morgan shrugged. “Well, at least it’s not those projects on Davidson Parkway,” she observed. “Still ghetto, though.” She studied her friend for a moment. “Is that where you’re having sex?”

“Well, yeah,” Emma said, feeling her face blush. “Where did you think we were doing it? My house?”

“No. I guess I figured you were doing it in a car somewhere like every other teenager in America,” Morgan replied.

Emma said nothing.

“You have a lot to tell me, you know,” Morgan decided.

“I know.”

“But right now I’m late for some yearbook crap,” Morgan continued. “Call me tonight so we can chat. Okay?”

“Alright.”

“You better call,” Morgan yelled to her friend as she exited through the door.

Emma watched her leave and then gathered her bags. When she reached the parking lot of the school, Anton was leaning against her car waiting. Her heart fell. She was not prepared to face him, but now she had no choice. She walked towards him, a hollow aching in her stomach that wouldn’t go away.

***

She drove them to the park. They were silent on the drive. She didn’t know what to say, and he was visibly angry. It wasn’t until she parked the car and turned off the ignition that he spoke.

“Are we really back there again?” he asked. “Ignorin’ each other at school? I introduced you to my friends, Emma. I thought we was past all that now.”

Emma couldn’t look at him. She would not tell Anton what Nate said to her when she left his house. However cruel it was, she almost felt Nate was justified in being upset. After all, she was the outsider. She was the wedge that had come between two best friends. The guilt she felt was unbearable.

“Are you not even gonna talk to me?” Anton said.

“Anton, I like you, but—”

“Oh my God. What the fuck is this? You dumpin’ me? After everything?” He was panicked.

“No. I’m not dumping you,” she said looking at him.

“Then why the hell did you say that? And when did you start likin’ me? The other night you said you loved me,” he said. He was charged and defensive.

“I do love you, but I can’t be responsible for breaking up a friendship!”

“What are you talkin’ about?” he asked.

“You and Nate.”

“Oh.” Anton thought for a moment. “Look, it ain’t ideal, okay? But if Nate wanna be mad at me over who I date, then that’s somethin’ he just gonna have to live with. It ain’t my problem.”

“But he’s your best friend,” Emma said.

“I know that,” Anton replied. He shifted in his seat. “It’s hot as hell in here.”

He got out of the car and she followed. They walked to the lake and sat down near the edge watching the ducks paddle languidly in the water. They looked content, Emma thought.

“Man, I need to be a damn duck,” Anton observed. “You know how much easier it be to be a duck?”

Emma smiled. “I imagine it’d be kind of boring though.”

“But I wouldn’t have to be dealin’ with all this bullshit,” he said and then quickly added, “Not you. I didn’t mean you. I meant Nate and all that.”

“I know you didn’t mean me,” Emma said.

“I love Nate, you know? He my homey. My best friend. We go back a long way. Kindergarten.” Anton was silent then, brooding.

Emma watched as the ducks plunged their heads under the water, searching for food, cooling off, she didn’t know. She wondered what her life would be like if she were an animal. The simplicity of instinct. The absence of emotion. It was a tempting thought, being an animal, but then she was no magician.

“He wasn’t always so angry,” Anton said after a time. “Truth is I been tired of his bullshit lately. Mad about everything. I mean, I know he got a right in some ways. You seen where we live. But everything? He can’t just chill and be happy. That’s always been what’s different about him and me. I know my situation ain’t ideal. I wish I be livin’ in yo’ house. But I ain’t gonna be some angry nigga about it all the time.”

Emma listened. She was conscientious of Anton’s need to express his feelings about Nate, to get it all out, and made sure she didn’t interrupt.

“I mean, how he gonna get that mad about me datin’ you? He talkin’ like I’m betrayin’ my kind, like nobody in the whole damn world ever got with someone who wasn’t they same color. I mean, I get how it be a big deal in high school because high school just stupid, but in the real world? It ain’t a big deal with adults, is it? I see those kinda relationships all the time. It ain’t no big deal.”

Emma nodded.

“You got any opinion on this?” Anton asked looking at her.

“Oh, well, I was just letting you talk,” Emma replied.

“Well, I want you to talk back.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Alright then,” she said.

“Jesus, Emma! Tell me what you think.”

“Oh, okay. Well I think you’re right. I think interracial relationships aren’t a big deal. In the real world, that is. But I think they are a very big deal in high school,” she replied.

“Why you think that is? High school kids just stupid or somethin’? It can’t be all high school kids ‘cause we ain’t stupid.”

“I don’t know. I think high schoolers are just trying to fit in somewhere. Find a group and feel safe, you know? And it’s easy to split up into groups according to color.”

“That’s stupid.”

“Gee, thanks. I was just putting something out there.”

“No, not yo’ comment. The truth behind it. I can’t believe I used to think that way. It’s just so fuckin’ stupid,” Anton said. “I can’t wait ‘til I’m grown and done with all this, you know?”

“Yeah,” Emma replied.

“It’ll be different for us then,” Anton said.

Emma’s heart gave a small leap. Was he including her in his future? The thought was exhilarating, and she suddenly leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. He smiled at her, not understanding the motivation behind her kiss but liking it.

“I told Morgan about us,” Emma said. Anton’s smile faded.

“Yeah? I’m sure she had some things to say,” he replied coolly.

“She was shocked, that’s for sure,” Emma said. “But I think she’s okay with it.”

“And if she wasn’t? Would you not be with me?”

“Don’t be ridiculous! I don’t do things according to what my friends think,” Emma said.

Anton grunted.

“I know you don’t like her,” Emma went on.

“She always givin’ me these dirty looks. I ain’t never done nothin’ to her,” Anton said defensively.

“She’s just looking out for me,” Emma replied. “She’s a fierce friend.”

“Fierce friend,” he muttered. “She need to take that shit somewhere else.”

Emma scooted closer to him, linking her arm with his.

“She just wants to be sure that you’re going to treat me right,” she said sweetly.

“Yeah, well she just need to worry about her own damn self,” Anton replied.