Hopeless For You (24 page)

I was grateful for the carton of cigarettes
Blaine had brought because I smoked like there was no tomorrow. I often sat by the open window in my room, smoking, staring at the city, listening to Jed's band if they were home. My eyes followed joggers and cyclists with longing. I felt like some paralyzed old man trapped in my apartment.

By the third morning, I finally couldn't take it. Blaine had done some kind of grocery shopping before he
'd flown back to the center but he'd pretty much gotten only bread, peanut butter and milk. I was sick to death of eating peanut butter sandwiches all day.

I thumped to the main room, looking for the keys to the Jeep, but then I remembered Blaine had the thing parked in long-term at the airport. Ah, well, I'd just ride the bus.

"Where are you going?" Jed was alone today, and he was writing something on the couch. Song lyrics, I guessed. He had a pair of glasses perched on the end of his nose. I'd never seen him wear glasses before.

"To the convenience store, if that's all right with you." I opened the front door. "Blaine can't shop for shit."

"How do you plan on getting down the stairs?" There was a condescending edge to the question that grated on my nerves.

"Slowly." I closed the door behind me and limped down the hall in my crutches.

Getting to the stairs themselves wasn't a problem, but trying to climb down them was. Seriously, that steep descent was
intimidating
. I'd barely mastered getting around on flat ground with crutches. I wasn't ready for stairs.

Ah, shit.

I needed the exercise, anyway.

There was a mosquito buzzing around the stairwell and I wanted to go before the damn thing bit me. I hunched my shoulders, placing my crutches onto the first step below, and, holding my breath, I swung a foot forward.

Almost immediately, I knew I'd made a very big mistake.

I lost my balance and started to keel over.

Strong hands caught me, scaring the shit out of me and pulling me back to the head of the stairs. The hands didn't let go until I got my balance again.

Jed stood next to me.

"Jesus, Jed," I said. "You scared me."

"No, Kade, you scared
me
. So have you had your fun? Or would you like to try something else just as stupid, like jumping out the window?"

I sighed. "Yeah. That was pretty dumb, wasn't it?"

Jed smiled. "Look, I know you're not happy I'm here. You were always the independent one, wanting to show the world you didn't need anyone else. But let's face it—you can't make it alone now, and you probably won't be able to for a while. As soon as you're off those crutches, I promise you I'm gone."

It was my turn to smile. "Naw. It's all right. I've been an ass. You're right, I'm pretty crazy about my independence. It's like I've always got something to prove. But you're welcome here, Jed. Always have been. I guess I have to rely on other people from time to time." It was hard saying that but it was true.

Jed painstakingly helped me down the stairs. We hopped into his beat-up car and drove to the grocery store, fitting in some badly needed brother-to-brother bonding.

Jed had the summer off from classes so the next day he went to his day job at some fast food joint. He returned in the evening with his band mates, bringing me a burger and fries, which I gulped down like a starving wolf.

And so the days passed. I mostly stayed at home, feeling sore and hungry. I did one-arm pull-ups with the doorframe chin-up bar I'd installed, and one-arm push-ups on the floor. I religiously followed the leg extension exercises the therapist had showed me. I listened to music, watched TV, browsed the internet. I became a NetFlix junkie. I played
Call of Duty
on Xbox.

Three times a week, Jed helped me attend physical therapy sessions in the evenings. The sessions were aimed at strengthening the muscles and ligaments supporting my knee. After each session, I was able to flex my leg a little farther. I was slowly healing. Physically, at least.

Now, if only my emotional damage would heal.

I kept hoping Ash would get in touch with me but she never did. I constantly checked for texts and e-mails on my phone. I exchanged messages and pictures with almost everyone at work except the one person I wanted to hear from most. I was never really a Facebook dude but I checked it every day now, looking for any pictures from the center's fan page that might have Ash in them, and hoping to see a friend request from her or even Gina. All this was my fault, I knew, because I'd blown her off. I wanted to fix things but I didn't know how. I kept telling myself that it was better this way, and I actually believed it. So I didn't do anything. Didn't even try.

Instead I tried to forget her.

But it didn't work. She was always there at the back of my mind, ready to burst to the forefront. That breathtaking face, those perfect, haunted blue eyes I always lost myself in. Sometimes I wished I could go back in time to that night we shared in the tent and just stay there and relive the moment forever. That's what I thought heaven was
—being able to relive the best moment of your life again and again.

Whenever I could summon the energy and focus, I worked on the wood carving. It was going to be my greatest work. I wanted it to be perfect.
Needed
it to be perfect. Some days I'd only make a few little nicks here and there. Other days I'd spend the whole afternoon on it, shaping entire sections. Like Michelangelo I saw the angel in the wood and planned to carve until I set it free.

One evening when I was making supper, I heard my brother on the phone outside the balcony. I didn't pay much attention to his conversation, intent as I was on shoveling leftover spaghetti into a bowl and microwaving it. When the spaghetti was heated, I sat at the table, eager to eat. My brother's conversation floated in on the breeze and I found myself listening in without really meaning to.

"Look, Mom, I'm not going to. It's not my job to police his habits. He can smoke and drink all day, as far as I'm concerned. Besides, it's not interfering with his healing, so let him, I say."

I sighed. I'd never live up to their expectations, never be the son they wanted me to be.

"Yeah, I should be home in a few weeks. Say hi to Dad for me... uh, no. If you want to know, you can ask him yourself."

Jed hung up the phone and came in off the balcony.

"Trouble in paradise?" I poked at my spaghetti, not feeling very hungry anymore. A mosquito landed on my arm and I swatted it.

Jed flopped on the couch and tossed his phone onto the coffee table. "She's trying parenting by proxy tonight. 'Kade will listen to you,' she says. Well, no, Ma, actually, he won't. He's not going to quit smoking just because I tell him to."

I laughed. "You know, it's not really her fault." I set aside my fork. "I sorta pushed them away."

Jed stared at me like he didn't recognize me. "I never expected to hear that from you."

"I've had a lot of time to think lately and I've learned a few things about myself. After Sarah's pregnancy, I guess I never really felt good enough to be their son, at least compared to you. So I pushed them away. I do that to a lot of people, unfortunately. Good people. Even you." I stared at my fork. "Thanks, Jed. For teaching me I can't go through life alone. That I have to stop pushing people away and actually have to rely on them now and then. But most of all, thanks for teaching me that I
am
good enough."

Finally, the day came when the therapist pronounced me fit to remove the brace. I was ecstatic. I'd known I was getting stronger and I rarely felt any pain these days when doing the rehabilitation exercises. The physical therapist had been saying for weeks that I was coming along faster than expected and now I was being rewarded for my dedication.

I texted Blaine the good news and he showed up a few days later to pick me up, just in time to watch me give Jed a crutch-free hug before he left for good.

"Thanks for everything, Jed," I said.

"You, too, Kade. I'll keep in touch."

"You better."

I watched Jed vanish down the hall.

Blaine was giving me a weird look.

"What?" I said.

"Nothing. I guess I never expected that you and your brother would end up getting along."

I shrugged. "He's a good kid. Better than me."

I already had my bags packed and Blaine helped me bring them down. We loaded them into the Jeep. Me and him were supposed to have lunch at our favorite Gastown burger joint but it took me a moment to realize he was driving directly toward the airport. I didn't say anything. I guessed Don was in a hurry to return or something. There was plenty of fast food to be had at the terminal, anyway.

"Glad to be heading back?" Blaine said on the way. He was driving far faster than he usually did, swerving between traffic like a madman.

"Obviously. But what's the rush?"

He didn't answer.

I lay against the headrest, staring up into the sky. I felt the G-forces as Blaine took a corkscrew turnoff at breakneck speed. "Jesus Blaine, slow down."

We came out of the turnoff and Blaine stopped at a traffic light.

"I can't believe it's already the tenth of August," I said. "I missed most of the summer." I was still staring at the sky and noted it was almost the same blue as Ash's eyes except it lacked her fire and intensity. I'd never be able to look at the sky the same
way because of her. "I have no idea what I'm going to say to Ash when I see her."

"Maybe tell her how you feel?"

I just nodded, scrubbing a hand over my face. That was the advice dudes always got from romance movies. And it was terrible advice. Well, terrible advice before sex that is. After sex you could tell girls how you felt. At least, under normal circumstances you could. It had been almost five weeks since I'd last seen her and I wasn't sure if I was in the after-sex zone or what anymore.

"It's been eating me alive," I said. "Every time I look at the sky or see the mountains in the distance, I remember her and our time together. Sometimes I think I see her jogging in the street below or shopping at the supermarket, but it's just some random girl with the same height and hair. I fall asleep thinking about her. I wake up wishing she was in my arms."

Blaine shot me a quick glance, slamming down on the accelerator as the light changed. "Never thought I'd see the day. Kade Gyllenhahl, man-whore of the year, in love."

I didn't deny it.

We pulled into the airport. Instead of turning into the parking lot so we could drop off the Jeep and meet Don, Blaine kept on driving toward the main terminal. He took the ramp that led to level three. Departures.

"What are you doing?" I said.

"Fixing your life." He pulled up in front of the United States Departures entrance.

I glanced at him. "What the hell?"

Blaine sighed. "Don dropped them off when I got here. You have thirty minutes before their plane leaves. They're probably already boarding. Go, Kade. United Flight 1263."

I stared at him, not understanding for a few seconds.

Then it hit me.

I took off at a half run toward the sliding doors of the terminal building. I cursed at the ache in my leg that reminded me I wasn't supposed to be running yet.

Inside, damn security wouldn't let me near the gates without a boarding pass so I went to the United desk. Flight 1263 was full so I bought the cheapest last-minute US flight I could, a ticket to Los Angeles, and then I hurried past security.

I checked the display screen that showed the departures and found Flight 1263. Gate E77. The destination was Houston and I thought for a second Blaine had made a mistake. But then I remembered most international flights had at least one stop. I scanned the display and couldn't see anything for Knoxville, so I limped along, not running anymore because I didn't want to attract the attention of security or bust my knee. I just hoped Blaine had gotten the flight number right.

I made my way to the E area and passed the different gates, which seemed to be in descending order on my right. E87. E86. E85. The hall opened up into a wide concourse and I picked out Gate E77 at the far end. When I spotted Gina's familiar tall frame in line for boarding, I nearly cried out in relief.

I limped to her. I was about to say her name when the dark-haired girl with blonde roots next to her looked up.

Ash.

It was like lightning struck the part of me that had been yearning for her these
long weeks and my knees buckled. I had to grab Gina for balance. I couldn't look at Ash. I couldn't.

"Kade, what are you doing here?" Gina said. "Are you all right?"

I felt suddenly nauseated, like I was going to throw up. There was no way I could go through with this.

You can do this, Kade. You can.

I
touched my throat where the falcon was inked into my neck.

I could do this.

I let go of Gina and faced Ash again. God, she was beautiful. When Michelangelo was talking about carving angels, he meant her.