Horrid Henry and the Soccer Fiend (9 page)

“Bye, big bottom,” said Bill. “Don’t forget, I’m watching you,” he hissed.

Henry sat down by himself on the broken bench in the secret garden. He had to get Bill out of his class. School was horrible enough without someone evil like Bill spying on him and spreading nasty rumors. His life would be ruined. He had to get rid of Bill— fast. But how?

Maybe he could get Bill to run screaming from school and never come back. Wow, thought Horrid Henry. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Bye-bye Bossy Bill.

Or maybe he could get Bill to photocopy his bottom again. Probably not, thought Horrid Henry regretfully. Aha! He could trick Bill into dancing nude on Miss Battle-Axe’s desk singing “I’m a busy bumblebee—buzz buzz buzz.” That would be sure to get him expelled. The only trouble was— how?

I’ve got to think of something, thought Horrid Henry desperately. I’ve just got to.

* * *

“Henry,” said Dad the next evening, “my boss tells me you’ve been picking on his son. Bill was very upset.”

“He’s picking on
me
,” protested Henry.

“And that you were yelled at in class for shouting out.”

“No way,” lied Henry.

“And that you broke Andrew’s pencil.”

“That was an accident,” said Henry.

“And that you called Margaret bugface.”

“I didn’t,” wailed Henry. “Bill’s lying.”

“I want you to be on your best behavior from now on,” said Dad. “How do you think I feel hearing these reports about you from my boss? I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life.”

“Who cares?” screamed Horrid Henry. “What about me?”

“Go to your room!” shouted Dad.

“FINE!” yelled Horrid Henry, slamming the door behind him as hard as he could. I’ll beat you, Bill, thought Henry, if it’s the last thing I do.

Horrid Henry tried teasing Bill.

Horrid Henry tried pinching Bill.

He tried spreading rumors about Bill.

He even tried getting Bill to punch him so Bill would be suspended.

But nothing worked. Henry just got into more and more trouble.

On Monday, Dad yelled at Henry for making rude noises in class.

On Tuesday, Dad yelled at Henry for talking during story time.

On Wednesday, Dad yelled at Henry for not handing in his homework.

On Thursday, Mom and Dad yelled at Henry for chewing gum in class, passing notes to Ralph, throwing food, jiggling his desk, pulling Margaret’s hair, running down the hall, and kicking a football into the back playground. Then they banned him from the computer for a week. And all because of Bossy Bill.

* * *

Horrid Henry slunk into class. It was hopeless. Bill was here to stay. Horrid Henry would just have to grit his teeth and bear it.

Miss Battle-Axe started explaining electricity.

Henry looked around the classroom.

Speaking of Bill, where was he?

Maybe he has rabies, thought Horrid Henry hopefully. Or fallen down the toilet. Better still, maybe he’d been kidnapped by aliens.

Or maybe he’d been expelled. Yes! Henry could see it now. Bill on his knees in Mrs. Oddbod’s office, begging to stay. Mrs. Oddbod pointing to the door:

“Out of this school, you horrible monster! How dare you spy on Henry, our best pupil?”

“NOOO!” Bill would wail.

“BEGONE, WRETCH!” commanded Mrs. Oddbod. And out went Bossy Bill, sniveling, where armed guards were waiting to handcuff him and take him to prison. That must be what had happened.

Henry smiled. Oh joyful day! No more Bossy Bill, thought Horrid Henry happily, stretching his legs under his Bill-free table and taking a deep breath of Bill-free air.

“Henry!” snapped Miss Battle-Axe. “Come here.”

What now?

Slowly Horrid Henry heaved himself out of his chair and scuffed his way to Miss Battle-Axe’s desk, where she was busy slashing at homework with a bright red pen.

“Bill has a sore throat,” said Miss Battle-Axe.

Rats, thought Horrid Henry. Where was the black plague when you needed it?

“His parents want him to have his homework assignments so he doesn’t fall behind while he’s sick,” said Miss Battle-Axe. “If only
all
parents were so conscientious. Please give this math worksheet to your father to give to Bill’s dad.”

She handed Henry a piece of paper with ten multiplication sums on it and a large envelope.

“OK,” said Henry dully. Not even the thought of Bill lying in bed doing sums could cheer him up. All too soon Bill would be back. He was stuck with Bill forever.

That night Horrid Henry glanced at Bill’s math worksheet. Ten sums. Not enough, really, he thought. Why should Bill be bored in bed with nothing to do but watch TV, and read comics, and eat chips?

And then Horrid Henry smiled. Bill wanted homework? Perhaps Henry could help. Tee hee, thought Horrid Henry, sitting down at the computer.

TAP.

TAP.

TAP.

Rite a storee abowt yor day. 20 pages long
.

Ha ha ha, that will keep Bill busy, thought Horrid Henry. Now, what else? What else?

Aha!

Give ten reesons why watching TV is better than reading

NEW MATH

When does 2 + 2 =5 ?

When 2 is big enough
.

Now explain why:

2+3=6

7-3=5

It was a lot more fun making up homework than doing it, thought Horrid Henry happily.

SPELLING:

Lern how to spel these words fer a test on Tuesday
.

Terrantula
Stinkbomb
Moosli
Doovay
Screem
Intergalactik

SCEINSE

Gravity: does it work?

Drop an egg from a hight of 2 in. onto your mom or dad’s hed
.

Record if it breaks. Drop another egg from a hight of 4 in. onto yor carpet. Does this egg break? Try this xperiment at least 12 times all over yor house
.