Hot Buttered Yum (32 page)

The run was just what Roni needed. The
rain had disappeared and the sun was beginning to peek out from behind the
clouds. The cobwebs were clearing from her head.

Ginger’s words before
she’d left had upset her. Yes, Roni knew Lucas was scared. She knew he was
alone. But this was his life. He’d already been through it. He was prepared to
handle it.

And yeah, she supposed
that made her a bad person. Because if she loved him, she should
be there with him. But it wasn’t that kind of love. That’s the decision
she’d come to. It was more like a healthy dose of lust.

It was an island
fling. Just as the ones before him had been.

Her fling had
gotten under her skin this time, but what she and Lucas felt wasn’t real. Not
the kind of thing that would last. Her defenses had been down because of the
season and the anniversary of Zoe’s death. It could have been anyone she’d
hooked up with and she’d have “fallen in love.”

Only, it had
been Lucas.

She slowed as
she made her way up the beach, trying to catch her breath.

And he was
different.

She pictured him
as he talked about his daughter. The pride that glowed on his
face. The protectiveness that was always there.
And she knew.

She was lying to
herself.

It couldn’t have
just been anyone.

A bird swooped
down in front of her and she watched it fly out over the water, heading for
parts unknown.

But her lying didn’t
change things.

She wasn’t going
to Dallas, and she would never see Lucas again.

Unless he came
to one of her concerts.

She stopped abruptly
and lifted her face to the sky. There was no way in the world that Lucas would
ever come to one of her concerts again.

She wouldn’t if
she were him.

She wouldn’t so
much as spare another thought in her direction.

Crushing
pressure made it feel like her lungs were collapsing. What was she doing?

The very thought
of one more day without Lucas destroyed her. She couldn’t imagine the rest of
her life without him.

And Gracie.

She was already
half in love with the kid, sight unseen. How could something bad be allowed to happen
to her? Where was the fairness in that?

Lowering her
head back to a normal position, she stared at the ground ten feet in front of
her and began trudging through the sand. She didn’t have the energy left to
run. Instead, she felt as if the very sky above her were leaning on her
shoulders. She was worried about Lucas. She wanted to hold his hand while he
waited for answers. Or possibly, he already had answers. But what were they?

She pulled her
phone out of its hidden pocket and checked her texts again. Still
nothing from him.

But she had
missed one from her manager.

Call me. Got
a spot for Christmas Day. Good money. Great way to
come back.

It was
happening. Her career would pick up right where it had left off.

She swallowed
around a throat suddenly tight, her breaths growing short. Instead
of calling her manager, she texted her brother. If she took the job, that meant her plans for the holidays would change.
She’d never played on Christmas before. It had been a sticking point with her.

Looks like I might miss
Christmas.

It took no more
than fifteen seconds before her phone rang.

“What’s wrong?”
her brother’s greeting was terse.

“Nothing,” she lied.
Everything.
I lost the love of my life because I’m too
weak and scared to be the person he needs.
“I just found out that I can
play on Christmas day.”

She’d talked to
her brother the afternoon before. Right after she’d called her manager and told
him that she wanted to come back slow.

“I thought you
were starting with a CD.”

“That was the
plan. And the parade later today. I agreed to play a
new piece I’ve been working on.”

“Then I don’t
understand.”

“It’s my career,
Danny. It’s a good opportunity. If I want to make a comeback—”

“What happened?”
her brother asked. He had his big-brother, take-charge thing going.

Her words cut
off. She hadn’t told him about Lucas and Gracie. She and her brother were close.
They always had been. And she told him a lot.

But for some
reason, she’d held Lucas and Gracie back from him.

Maybe because
deep down she hadn’t expected it to last?

“I …” she
began.

She bit her lip
and turned toward the ocean. The waves were rough today due to the storm that
had rolled in overnight, and her insides felt as if they were churning along
with the water.

“What’s going
on, Roni? You aren’t ready for a big concert. Two days ago, you weren’t ready
for any concert.”

She nodded. He
was right. She was doing it again. She was running from her problems.

She gritted her
teeth to keep from crying any more. She was tired of crying.

“Roni?”

“I fell in
love,” she whispered. “He has a kid.” She closed her eyes. “And she’s sick.”

The silence grew
on the other end of the phone until it felt like a being all its own. Danny
would understand like no one else. He was a pediatric surgeon, and though he
hadn’t experienced the loss of one of his own kids, he lived with it every day.
Not every child made it home safe and sound.

Finally, Danny
spoke. He was calm and he wore his doctor’s voice. She could handle his
doctor’s voice. It wasn’t personal.

“What kind of
sickness?” he asked.

“Leukemia.”

Two beats of
silence before, “Is she in chemo?”

She shook her
head. “She’s been in remission for eighteen months.”

A short burst of
air sounded in her ear.

“But he got a
text last night.” She hurried before he could tell her that everything was
okay. Everything wasn’t okay. “His parents were at the hospital with her. Lucas
went a little crazy when no one answered his call. He couldn’t find out what
was wrong. He …” She stopped to take a breath. “Ginger took him to the
mainland so he could go home to Dallas this morning.”

“And where are
you?” Danny asked.

“On the beach. I just finished
my run.”

“But you said
you love this man.”

“I have to play
in the parade today. I promised Kayla.”

“So you’re going
to Dallas after?”

She didn’t
answer. He knew the answer anyway. She didn’t face her problems head on; she
buried her head in the sand and pretended they didn’t exist.

“She might be
dying, Danny.” Her hand shook as she held the phone to her ear.

“What did he
find out when he got someone on the phone?”

“I don’t know.
He just left. And then Ginger took him—”

“You said that.
But didn’t you talk to him after he got hold of someone at home?”

She shook her
head again. “No,” she whispered.

“Why not?”

Because she was
a coward.

“I told him …” She let the words die out.

Her brother
expelled a frustrated breath. “Do you love him, Roni? Really?”

“Yes,” she said
in a small voice. She did. It wasn’t just lust. And it couldn’t have been just
anyone. Lucas saw who she was even when she didn’t want to show him. He cared
about people.

He cared about
her.

“Then what are
you doing?”

“I don’t know if
I can go through it again.”

“You don’t know
if you’ll
have
to go through it
again. Or you could marry the perfect man, have the perfect child, and have both
of them get taken away by a random car accident in the blink of an eye.” She
could almost see the you’re-such-an-idiot look on his
face. “Nothing is guaranteed, Roni.”

“But she’s—”

“A little girl,”
he finished. “And probably scared right now. As is her
dad.”

Oh,
God.

“What are you doing
there, Roni? You were once willing to put your life on hold for a child that
you knew had limited time. It ripped you in two when she died, but you were the
bravest person I knew. There’s no way you would have walked away from Zoe.”

But she had. That last time. And then when she’d come back  …

The back of her
throat burned.

She’d been too
scared to stay after Thanksgiving, and when she’d come back it had been too
late. What if it was already too late with Gracie? She would never meet her.
Never let her know that she cared. And Lucas.

A strangled
whimper came from her throat. He would
never
have left her to deal with something like this on her own.

“I’m such an
idiot,” she murmured. What was wrong with her?

“You’re not an
idiot,” he assured her. “You’re just scared.”

“And Lucas,” she
said. “I should be there with him.”

Her brother went
quiet and she just knew he’d changed to his smug, I-told-you-so look.

“Oh God, Danny. What if it’s
too late?”

“It isn’t too
late.”

“But I should—”

“Go,” he said.
“Yes. You should be there. If this is the man you want forever, you should go
to him.”

She nodded. “I
will.”

Oh geez. She
blinked and refocused her eyes. What was she doing standing out on the beach
when Lucas was alone and worried sick about his daughter?

“I’ve got to
go,” she said.

“Hey, sis?” Danny stopped
her before she hung up.

“Yes?”

“I’m proud of
you,” he said. The feeling coming through his words brought goosebumps to her
skin. “You’re still the bravest person I know.”

She nodded and
started jogging once again. She had to get home. “Thank you, Danny.”

“You’re welcome.
And make sure I get to meet this guy—and his little girl—at Christmas, will
you?”

Laughter rolled
up and out of her. “You got it.”

She reached her
backyard and slowed to dial Ginger.

“Yeah?” Ginger answered.

“Can you take me
on your boat?”

Roni felt
Ginger’s hug through the phone. “I’ll be ready when you get here.”

The noise coming from the other end of the
hall sounded like a herd of horses as Gracie and her friend raced down the
dark-stained stairs from the second floor. Dark curls and a startlingly white
gauze patch appeared around the corner and Lucas held out his hands in front of
him.

“Whoa,” he said.
“You were just in the emergency room last night. Slow down.”

“I can’t, Daddy.
Lisa’s the monster. She’s gonna get me.”

The dark curls
were followed by long blonde hair as his daughter streaked out of the room with
her best friend howling with laughter right behind her. Lisa had her hands up,
her fingers pointed like claws, chasing Gracie in a straight-legged, awkward
gait.

The two of them had
been going at it all day. Gracie was fine. When he’d finally gotten in touch
with his mother the night before, he’d found out that it had just been a fall.
She’d busted open her head, right at the hairline, and had needed twenty-two stitches.
But other than freaking out her father and grandparents, the kid was fine.

He’d arrived at
his mom’s earlier that morning, fresh from the first flight in and running on
little sleep, and the relief he’d felt at seeing his daughter’s smiling face had
allowed his arm to be twisted. Since then, Gracie and Lisa had been running
through his house as if the two girls hadn’t seen each other in two weeks. Instead of Gracie not seeing her dad in that same amount of time.

His mother had
come over about an hour ago with the ingredients for an afternoon snack, and
was in his kitchen right now baking up a batch—or three—of Gracie’s favorite
Christmas cookies.

He peeked into
the living room, where Gracie and Lisa had collapsed into a fit of giggles in
front of the tree. They flipped over on their backs to stare up at the lights
and ornaments as if in awe. And it was pretty awe-inspiring. His parents had
put the tree up for him this year while he’d been gone. They’d used the
ornaments that Gracie loved—the wild mix and assortment so there was no theme
going—and thanks to his mom, the lights looked professionally hung. Not like
when he did them.

Then he heard
Gracie whisper to Lisa that Santa was going to bring her a dog. He shook his
head. He had to go find a dog.

“I don’t
understand those girls,” he said to his mom as he entered the kitchen. “They go
from monsters to crazy laughter in five seconds?” He stepped over some sort of
light-purple animal and bent down to pick it up.

His mother stood
with her back to him, bowls, ingredients, and cookie sheets covering most of
the counters, and he thought about all the space in Roni’s much larger kitchen.
His house wasn’t huge, but it was cozy. It was perfect for him and Gracie.

Which was all
that mattered.

Irritation
threatened to piss him off again, but he tamped it back down. He couldn’t
change Roni, and he wouldn’t take her as she was. It was over.

Not that she was
beating down his door to come back.

“Before you know
it,” his mother began as she turned from the counter, mixing bowl in hand and
eyeing him over the top of her glasses, “they’ll have their Barbies spread out
all over the floor, and will be planning a Barbie and Ken wedding and dragging
you into the middle of it.”

The back of his
neck began to itch at the look she planted on him.

She hadn’t asked
about Roni since he’d been home, but he knew it was coming. Probably in about
two seconds.

Gracie had asked
about her, though. It had been question number one after, “Did you bring me a
present?”

He’d gently
explained that Roni had decided she needed to stay at her house, and then he’d brought
out Gracie’s present. He’d picked up a stuffed green sea turtle the first day
he’d gotten there. Gracie loved stuffed animals. Which was
evident by the purple thing in his hand.

“What happened?”
his mom asked.

He ducked his
gaze and opened the fridge, putting the stuffed animal on top of the appliance
as he peered inside. “What do you mean? With the contest?”
He rooted around in the fridge as if there were more inside than a twelve-pack
of soft drinks and a carton of eggs that should have been tossed last week. He
had to get to the store. “I won.”

He knew that
wasn’t what she meant. But he didn’t want to admit to his mom that yes, he’d
fallen for yet another woman who hadn’t stuck.

And he’d been so
sure about this one.

He finally
pulled himself back out of the fridge and turned to face her. She was watching
him in the way that made him feel about six years old. He popped the top on his
drink. He wasn’t in the mood to talk about Roni, no matter how his mother
scowled at him. Then his phone buzzed in his pocket and he stiffened. He
wondered if it would be another text from Roni. She’d sent him one at three
that morning. He’d been asleep, but the buzz had pulled him out of his troubled
dreams.

And he’d almost
replied.

He took a
healthy swing of his soda and slipped the phone from his jeans.

“Why isn’t she
here, Lucas?” Her tone was serious, but she softened it just a bit in her
motherly way. “You promised Gracie.”

“I did
not
promise Gracie.” And yeah, looking
back, he probably shouldn’t have said anything at all. But he’d been so sure.
So certain that Roni felt the same way he did. “I told her I planned to ask
Roni. That’s all I promised. And I did ask her.”

It was Kelly. Lucas’s
gut tightened. Just checking on Gracie.

He responded to
the message and tossed his phone on a red-and-green dishcloth lying beside the
sink. If it vibrated again, he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to hope it
was Roni, still worried about Gracie.

Because what the
hell had that been about?

She didn’t care
enough to come to Dallas with him when he’d thought the worst, yet she felt she
had a right to know?

Not on his
watch.

“So she said no,
then?” his mom asked.

“What?” He looked
over at her and then remembered. They were talking about Roni. He was thinking
about her, his mom was talking about her, and the fact was, she wasn’t worth
either of their time. Also, he didn’t want to admit to his mom that it was
worse than Roni just saying no. She hadn’t had the guts. “Things changed,” he
answered.

“Umm-hmmm.”

She returned to
her task and focused on the rolled dough. She had cookie cutters in the shapes
of stars, Christmas trees, and bells, and was lining the cookies up precisely,
evenly spaced on the pan. It made him think about Roni saying his toiletries
were lined up like little army men.

Lucas moved to
stand beside her and helped out. He may not want to talk about Roni, but he
knew his mother would. And in all honesty, he did want her opinion. He wanted
to be married some day. He wanted a mother for Gracie.

But if all women
were going to be like this … if they were going to run at the first hint of
trouble … then it would be best to hear it now. Save himself
the trouble of trusting again.

They worked in
silence for a few minutes before he wiped off his hands and leaned back against
the sink. His chest felt heavy. “She was planning to come back with me
tomorrow,” he admitted.

His mom glanced
up, but she didn’t slow in her task. “But that changed?”

“Yeah. That changed.”
He grabbed his drink and finished it. It felt like an invasion of privacy to talk
about Roni’s most painful hurts, but he needed to get out of his own head for a
minute. “Something happened in her past. Something that …
hurt her. Scared her. And when we got the text
the other night …”

He quit speaking
and hung his head. He couldn’t get the horror on Roni’s face out of his mind.
He’d been furious at her for not being willing to go with him, for backing away
and refusing to jump in with both feet. But she’d been terrified.

Once he’d gotten
some distance, he’d known that. Fear had shrouded her.

If he hadn’t
been standing between her and the door, it wouldn’t have surprised him to see her
bolt through it as if the devil itself were chasing her down.

“You’re talking
about that text your father sent.” His mother shook her head in disgust. Her
lips twisted. “Before the idiot tossed the phone in the car and forgot about it.
You know how inept he can be with modern technology.” His parents had still
been arguing over that mishap when he’d shown up that morning. His dad had done
as she’d requested and sent the message. It had never occurred to him that
Lucas would use the same phone to try to get back in touch with them.

“Yeah.” He nodded. “We
were together when it came in. I panicked.”

“I’m sure,” she
grumbled. “Damn fool man. Just send a text like that with no explanation.”

“It’s okay, Mom. Really. It all
worked out.”

Her lines of
cookies lost their perfectly aligned pattern as her motions got more rigid. “It
is not okay. I didn’t want to make you crazy. And I certainly didn’t mean for
you to come home early.”

“It’s fine,” he
promised. “I needed to come home.”

She shot him a
look. “To get away from Roni?”

He nodded.

“What did she
say?” she asked. “When the text came in.”

“That she
couldn’t do it.
She
wouldn’t
do it.” He pressed his
lips together and glanced toward the living room. It had gone silent in there, so
he assumed the girls had returned to Gracie’s room. “She’s scared of Gracie
getting sick again,” he lowered his voice. “She refuses to even try.”

His mother put
the first batch of cookies in the oven. She set the timer and then faced him,
hands on hips. Her look was no-nonsense. “Then that’s best, right? Know it now?
Before you bring Gracie into it.”

“Yeah.” That’s what
he’d wanted to hear. “Only …” Only, he missed her and he wanted her. And he
wanted her to text him again. “Are they all going to be like that, Mom? No woman strong enough to ever stick with us?”

She looked at
him over her glasses again. Her eyes, which so closely matched his, stared back
at him, and then they softened. “What happened in her past?” she asked.

He pictured Roni
in her backyard as she’d been telling him about Zoe. She’d seemed so sad. So alone. He wished he could have been there for her during
that time.

“A kid died,” he
finally said. He glanced away and waited while his mother took that in, then
added, “A sick kid. One she’d planned to adopt.”

“Oh,” she
whispered. She pressed a hand to her chest. “Bless her heart.”

“Yeah,” he
agreed. No one should have to go through something like that. “I’m sorry, Mom. I
thought I’d chosen better this time. I didn’t mean to bring another woman into
our lives who would run at the first opportunity. I
thought she was stronger than that. I thought she …” He shook his head. He’d thought she loved him enough. “I didn’t mean to
disappoint you and Dad again.”

Confusion lifted
her brows up toward her gray hair. “Disappoint us?”

He shrugged. “I
know that Des was a mess. She bolted the instant Gracie got sick. I should have
realized what I was getting.”

“You think
we’ve
been disappointed in you? Over her?”

“Well, yeah.”
Lord knows he’d been disappointed in himself. His parents had always taught him
to do the right thing. To be the best in whatever he did. And he’d messed up.

Twice, now.

“Lucas.” She
crossed to him and reached up to caress his cheek. Now he really felt like a
six-year-old. “We were heartbroken for you and Gracie, but we’ve never been
disappointed in you.”

“But I screwed
up.”

“You took a
chance. Des is the one who messed up. She’s the one who doesn’t have Gracie in
her life.”

That was true. It
was most definitely her loss.

“I wanted her to
be Gracie’s mom,” he admitted quietly. “I thought she was the one.”

“I’m assuming
we’re talking about Roni now?”

He grimaced. “Yeah. Roni.”

She patted his
cheek and gave him a wink. Then she turned back to the next batch of cookies.
“Maybe she still can be.”

Nothing could
have shocked him more.

“What?” he
asked. “She deserted us.”

“Because she was
scared, right?”

“Yeah, but …”
He glanced around the room, uncertain what to say. “She balked, Mom. She told
me she loved me, and then in the next instant she freaked. She wouldn’t even discuss
coming here.”

“Have you heard
anything from her since then?”

Guilt gnawed at
him. He glanced at his phone, still lying beside the sink.

“Did she call?”
his mom asked, following his gaze.

He shook his
head. He knew her text had come from honest worry. And he’d ignored her. “She texted early this morning.”

“What did she
say?”

Fear that he’d
walked away too fast ate at him. But he hadn’t had a choice. He’d needed to get
home to Gracie. And Roni had …

He let out a
harsh breath. “She asked about Gracie.”

His mom nodded.
“And you told her it was just a fall? That there is nothing whatsoever to worry
about?”

He knew that she
knew the answer to that. He
should
have told her that, but he hadn’t. He shook his head.

“Lucas.” Her
tone was definitely disappointed now.

“You didn’t see
her, Mom. She practically shoved me out of the room. Wouldn’t even discuss
coming with me. I suggested she come today. After the parade she’s playing in.
But she refused that too.”

“Yet you said
she was scared.”

“Why are you
taking her side on this?” Frustration had him raising his voice. His mother stopped
what she was doing and looked up at him, and he felt like he had when she’d caught
him kissing their neighbor’s kid behind the bushes when he’d been five.

“Do you love
her?” she asked.