Hot Tea (5 page)

Or they might think that I’m a drag queen without benefit of my faux bosom, and run me off the damn road.

See, this is how my brain works.  I know it’s scary, but I think that if I can harness it, just a bit, that my splendiferous little brain will be the reason for my success.  While all those other people are running around being all logical and making sense, I have the advantage of what I like to think of as
choreographed random thought
.  Sounds good, doesn’t it? 

What it means to me is that I am able to follow a train of thought, but I’m not stuck on the tracks.  I don’t completely lose the plot, but I’m able to see things just a bit to the left of center.  I notice things that other people don’t usually notice, or at least would never admit in polite company that they notice. 

I would love to tell you it is a well-developed skill that I’ve worked hard on for decades, but the ugly little truth is - it’s the way I was born.  I’ve tried all my life to unlearn it.   Since I can’t, I choose to look at it as a gift, not a burden.   I’m bound and determined to have it work for me, not against me.

Oprah did it and she’s experienced a bit of a success.  She took those things that others saw as a disability and molded them into her greatest strengths. 

It’s a theory. 

I could be wrong. 

But it’s working for me so I see no reason to adjust. 

I drove all the way home finding further justification for my way of looking at the world.  By the time I parked, I’d almost convinced my self that I’m not only sane, I’m pretty blessed.

FIVE

Teagan appeared at my door a short time later and shoved a ham sandwich at me as she pushed her way into the apartment.  I stepped back and said, “Thanks.”

“I figured if we did a bit of computer research together, we could figure out if we should move forward, or maybe I could talk you into getting a real job.”

I had to say it, “Mom?”

“Yeah.  She called while I was in line.  She said if you don’t have a job in a week she’s going to worry.  She said if you don’t have a job in two weeks she’s going to talk to Dad.”

“Oh God.”

“Yep.  A heavy heart.”

Frustrated, I said, “So, now I’m not only going to be responsible for my own demise, but worse, for causing Daddy to have a heavy heart?  Mom hasn’t pulled out those big guns since high school.”

“Seriously, how are you going to survive without a job?  What happened?  How did you get fired?”

I took a deep breath.  As we headed for the kitchen, I explained, “Last question first.  I didn’t get fired.  I quit.  I couldn’t do that job, not for one more minute.  And before I tell you how I’m going to survive, you have to swear on everything you hold dear, that you aren’t going to tell Mom. Or hint.  Or draw a picture.  Or in any other way disclose to your mother what is going on.  She will kill me.”

“Is there a stripper pole involved?”

I pulled a face, “Me on a dancer’s pole?  That was hurtful.”

 “Ok, I, Teagan Shannon O’Flynn, do solemnly swear, upon all that is Holy, that I will not share any of the information you are about to give me, with any other human being, upon threat of death.  Yours not mine.”

Even though I knew we were alone, I leaned in and lowered my voice, “Remember when my roommate moved in?  Mom hated her.  Didn’t trust her.  Said that I needed to be damn sure that I got her half of the rent every month before the first.  Said she would screw me over for sure.”

“How could I forget that?  We all heard about it for weeks.  Then it all started up again when she decided to move out before the lease was up, just as Mom predicted she would, leaving our poor little Cara in such a terrible situation.  What about it?”

“I kind of didn’t take Mom’s advice.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that Suzi was having some minor financial problems.  She couldn’t pay rent.  She swore to me that she had money coming.  That her grandpa had died and that it was going to take a little while for the whole probate thing to work itself out, but that she would pay me back, so for the first 6 months of the lease, I paid all the rent and a few of the expenses.  For the last 6 months of the lease she was gonna return the favor.”

“But she already moved out.”

“Yep, but she paid me back before she left, which means I have the money for six months of rent plus a bit more.”

“But what about food and utilities?”

“I have a new roommate moving in, the money that he gives me for rent, will pay for the food and utilities.  Teagan, this might be the only time in my whole life that I’ll have the luxury of having a bit of a buffer.  I can try a couple of things.  Maybe start my own business.  This is all such a huge blessing.  Not taking advantage of it would be sinful.”

“Dear God in Heaven above, please tell me you said she, not he.  You don’t really have a male moving in with you do you?  I know, we’re grown women, and the whole chaperone thing ended a long time ago, but Mom didn’t get the memo.  Are you dumb enough to move a guy in here?”

“Kind of.”

“He is kind of male or he’s kind of moving in.”

“Oh, he’s all male, but he’s only kind of moving in.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means that he travels for a living.  He’s on the road more than he’s home.  That’s why he can’t be bothered with a house or an apartment of his own.  He wouldn’t be in it enough to justify the expense or to keep his stuff safe.  You know, being gone all the time is just asking for some kid to burglarize your place.”

“So, spill.”

I lifted my right hand, as if to take an oath, fully expecting her to copy my move,  “You swear you can keep your mouth shut?”

She huffed, “Yes.  I didn’t tell Mom about that trip you took with that guy.  What the heck was his name?”

“His name doesn’t matter, and you would think at our age, we wouldn’t be sneaking around behind Mom’s back.”

“True.  Knowing Mom, she already knows anyway.” 

We both let out a very uncomfortable laugh.

I decided to chance it, and filled her in, “Ok, his name is AJ and he’s Suzi’s brother.”

“Suzi, as in your recently departed roommate?”

“Recently departed makes it sound like she died, not like she did the unthinkable, ran off and got married.  You would think that would prove to Mom that she was wrong about her.”

“It’s going to take some time to change Mom’s mind about her.  You know damn well that for the better part of a year Suzi was referred to only as you-mean-that-girl-that-has-the-morals-of-an-alley-cat.  Then you decide to get an apartment with her, and when Mom goes slightly insane, you came to Suzi’s defense by throwing me in front of the cart.  You stuck up for your roommate by telling Mom that Suzi has higher standards than I do.  That helped a great deal.”

I shrugged, “It’s true.”

“Lots of things are true, but that doesn’t mean we have to share those truths with our parents.  Think about it Dingleberry.  You just made me promise not to tell Mom about your financial arrangements with Suzi and this AJ person that will be sharing your home and hearth.  God knows what else you’ll be sharing.”

“Nothing else.  I have no interest in him.  He isn’t my type.”

She rolled her eyes, “What does that mean?”

“It means he is so good looking he could pass for gay.  He has blond hair and these really intense green eyes.  He is about 2 inches taller than me, which makes him way taller than you.  He has this near God-like body, looks good in a suit, and looks great in board shorts.  He is nice, polite, neat, and good to his mom.  He has a steady job, makes a very good living, loves kids, and he remembered Suzi’s birthday.  He sent her flowers and surprised her when he showed up the following weekend.  The man took his sister out for a night on the town.  They did dinner and a play and then went out and had ice cream from the same place they went as kids.”

“He’s gay.”

“Nope.”

“He’s just still in the closet.  Cara, I’m telling you he’s gay!”

“Nope.  He’s just a really good guy, and you know how that goes.  Girls are looking for that whole bad guy thing, so when they run across a really good guy, they don’t know what to do with him.  Even after that stage runs its course they save the nice guy to be their best friend.  They tell anyone that will listen that he is everything they want in a guy, but they don’t think of him that way.  Then they go about trying to change every guy they meet into the guy that they already have as a best friend.”

I stopped my little sermon for a moment of reflection.  Do I do that?  Why don’t I have a guy?  I decided that self-reflection would be better done another day, and continued, “Maybe that’s just me.  Anyway, that’s what AJ is, he’s a perfect guy.”

“And you aren’t interested in him, why?”

“He’s not nearly screwed up enough for me.  I only go for the guys that not only have an issue or two, but they have a long-term subscription.  Know what I mean?  I wouldn’t know what to do with a great looking functional guy.

“I know what I’d do with him.”  She smiled and let her eyebrows dance.

“You can’t do anything with him.  You can’t even meet him.  He’ll take one look at you, and that’ll be it.  You’re Barbie.  He’s Ken.  This can never happen.”

“If we would be so perfect together, and I am your sister, and you supposedly love me, and you aren’t keeping this guy for yourself, just why can’t I have him?”

“Because if you go out with him once, you’re gonna want to go out with him again.  You’ll probably fall madly in love with him and at some point, before the second or third kid, Mom is gonna find out that he was my roommate, and I simply can’t let that happen.”