How to Become Smarter (44 page)

In conclusion, several studies point to the existence of a separate type of intelligence, social intelligence. It consists of several related sets of mental abilities that are different from personality traits and from mental functions related to IQ. Now that research has demonstrated the existence of social intelligence, we can expect to see studies that will explore the relevance of this concept to life outcomes. Possible areas of interest include the influence of social intelligence on future job performance and on success in social relations. An interesting question is whether a person can improve his or her social intelligence, or at least the crystallized component, that is, knowledge and skills. Sections that follow review the evidence.

• The definition of social intelligence is the ability to understand and manage people and to behave wisely in human relations.
  
• Social intelligence is not the same as sociability or extroversion.
  
• Edward Thorndike proposed the concept of social intelligence almost a century ago, but hard evidence of the existence of this separate type of intelligence started to emerge only recently.
  
• Tests of social intelligence assess several sets of related mental abilities (for example, social understanding, social memory, and social knowledge). Researchers test each of these domains using several different methods: verbal, pictorial, and video questions.
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As we saw in the previous section, social intelligence includes two dimensions: crystallized social intelligence, i.e. social knowledge and skills, and fluid social intelligence. The latter is the ability to understand and solve problems related to social situations. Fluid intelligence means how well the brain works regardless of knowledge. Improving either the crystallized component or the fluid component, or both, will increase social intelligence. There is no rigorous proof that a person can improve his or her fluid social intelligence (discussed in the next section). Yet there are plenty of studies showing that people can improve their social and communication skills by means of special training.

For example, studies have shown that special exercises designed to improve social skills of autistic children can be effective [
502
]. Autism is a pervasive developmental disorder characterized by impaired social interaction among other problems. The weight of evidence suggests that this impairment involves some kind of malfunction of the brain of autistic children. Therefore, in all likelihood, autism impairs fluid social intelligence. Nonetheless, special training aimed at improving social and communication skills of autistic children may improve quality of life of these children and can reduce severity of symptoms. This kind of training may include pictures with various gestures and facial expressions of people, with instructors explaining to the children what they mean. Some investigators have questioned the scientific rigor of these studies, and further research is needed to confirm the above findings [
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]. Similar studies on schizophrenic patients, who also exhibit significant deficiencies in social interaction, suggest that this type of training can improve social functioning in this group of patients [
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].

In theory, healthy people too may benefit from training in “people skills,” although rigorous scientific proof is lacking. I have developed (or found) some useful social skills. The text below explains these principles, and I believe that they can make your social interactions smoother and less unpleasant. Granted, there are much better pop psychologists out there than yours truly. Some of the principles will seem obvious to some readers, but I included this information anyway because it is not obvious to everyone, based on my observations.

1. In an argument that you cannot avoid (for example, when your supervisor confronts you), it is best to phrase all your objections in the form of a question instead of a statement. This will defuse the situation.
   
2. In occupations where a lot of people are crowded into one place, full greetings are often problematic and awkward. It is more convenient to use “light greetings,” such as giving someone a brief smile instead of nodding or saying hi. Another type of light greeting is saying the person’s name instead of saying hi or hello. People use this sort of greetings in the United States and some other Western countries, but, in my experience, they are uncommon in Eastern Europe and in Russia. Still another approach is to say “uh-huh” (a lazy form of “yes”) in response to a full greeting. The use of light greetings can make your life less stressful in a crowded workplace because if someone ignores this sort of a greeting you will not feel insulted. Conversely, when someone says hello and you respond with a light greeting, they will not take offense, but will get the hint that you dislike them. Some coworkers and supervisors have a chronic problem with greetings and, with these people, you may have to use light greetings on a permanent basis.
   
3. Act naturally in social situations and don’t be afraid of being silent or unemotional for some time. There is nothing more misguided than the notion that you must talk and laugh all the time in order to be happy. In fact, it is possible to feel happy without laughing or talking to anyone (
   Chapter Four
   ). If you try to implement this principle, you are not going to become more boring or less sociable. You may find, however, that you have fewer enemies because you are not gossiping and making fun of other people as much as you did before.
   
4. To the usual list of taboo topics that one should not discuss at work, such as politics, religion, and sex, I would add the topic of excess body weight as well.
   
5. If your supervisor is not nice to you, you should never take offense and, instead, you should consider this behavior normal. Put another way, you need to forgive your boss for the lack of politeness and never try to respond in kind. This may seem like an illogical and unpleasant thing to do. Keep in mind that there is a 99% chance that your boss has to put up with the same kind of treatment from his or her boss. Therefore, this bigger boss is taking revenge on your boss for you, and you don’t have to do it yourself. Many people, including your immediate superiors are living by the following principle: “Do unto your subordinates as your boss has done unto you.” This pattern of behavior is silly and petty, but it is widespread. My advice, if you have subordinates of your own, is to “do unto your subordinates as you want your boss to do unto you,” not “as your boss has done unto you.” Some readers who are the subordinates may ask: “OK, how rude is too rude, when should I consider quitting?” My answer is: if you think that your boss is too rude and abusive, you may want to ask somebody’s advice on this matter, and in rare situations your quitting will be justified. Note that bosses are seldom nice; this is a reality of life that you will do well to accept. Even polite bosses will sometimes make you do things that you hate. Keep in mind that your boss has to take a lot of crap from his or her boss and thereby pays the price for not being nice to you. This will put your mind at ease and will help you to ignore this little inconvenience.
   
6. In any type of face-to-face confrontation, let the other person win and feel superior to you. This means yielding in an argument or a dispute and looking down when someone (e.g., a bully) is giving you a hard stare. This also means being polite with rude people. This advice is especially relevant to teenage boys. Machismo is common among adolescent males and is considered model behavior, although this life strategy can lead to delinquency and other troubles. Nothing boosts your authority and bullying potential among teenagers like crime. The most “macho” dudes from my middle school in Novosibirsk have served one or two criminal sentences by the time of this writing. Therefore, if you want to stay out of trouble and enjoy the good life, it is best to avoid displaying macho behavior and to let the other person feel superior in a confrontation. At the same time, you can demonstrate your superiority in other ways: by cracking the funniest jokes, by earning better grades, or by making more money than the rude people. Does this advice mean that you should be a “pushover” and a “coward?” Not at all. My advice is to let the other person win in
   face-to-face
   confrontations, which are the most trifling and inconsequential types of conflict, in most cases. On the other hand, it is often desirable to try to win a fight for a bigger cause, in confrontations that are not “face-to-face.” Some examples are the following: filing a lawsuit, enlisting in the military to defend your country, and pursuing the truth wherever it may lead you. Note that there are some rare exceptions to this rule when you should
   not
   let the other person win in a face-to-face confrontation. For example, the above rule will be problematic for someone who works in law enforcement. Another example: it is possible that somebody you know will start abusing your agreeableness. This person, who is not your boss, may start giving you orders or assignments or start bugging you with daily requests. If this happens, of course, you need to decline politely, or not-so-politely if this person persists. Note that this exception to the rule applies only to people you know. In general, if you are engaged in a conflict with a close relative, a friend, or a coworker, you will find it easier to resolve the issue if you do the following. Sit down with a clean sheet of paper (the opponent does not have to be present) and write down all the things that the other party may dislike about you or your actions. Don’t be afraid to use your imagination and to recall things from the distant past. The more reasons you come up with, the easier it will be for you to understand the actions of your opponent as reasonable rather than “evil.”
   
7. There is a saying: “The best revenge is living well.” I agree and can follow this principle in most cases. If you can’t file a lawsuit, taking the justice into your own hands is a bad idea. Nonetheless, in some situations, you can modify this principle as follows: “The best revenge is ignoring well.” I consider myself thick-skinned in general, and it is difficult to get me offended. As a rule of thumb, I ignore and forget about most misunderstandings, insensitive statements, and unintentional insults, as if they never happened. In most cases, I also forgive the first unpleasant statement or deed when it is intentional. This is because I will assume that the person did it in response to something that I did to this person unintentionally. If this comes from a close friend or a relative, I may ask them if I did something wrong. Nonetheless, occasionally, somebody does something extremely unpleasant to me and, in this case, I employ “the best revenge is ignoring well” principle. When you start ignoring someone, you are not taking revenge on the offender, but rather you shift the relations from positive to neutral. And you will feel satisfied as if you have taken revenge, even though you have done nothing bad to this person. Ignoring a person well is both an art and science and you can do it politely. The following are some possible techniques. It is not necessary to snub someone when they say hello to you, it is sufficient to never say hello first, or you can switch to the light greetings described above. You can also insert a pause before saying hello to this person. This change will get that person thinking whether he or she did something wrong to you; at the same time, your behavior will not arouse resentment. Another form of ignoring relates to digital communications: you can configure your e-mail filters to delete all messages from the person who you want to ignore. You can also stop picking up the phone when this person calls you if you install “caller ID” service on your landline phone (cell phones have it by default). You can configure many brands of modern cell phones to ring silently (neither ring nor vibrate) when you receive calls from certain groups of callers. This feature will help you to ignore their phone calls and text messages. Blocking incoming calls from the person you are ignoring (some phone companies provide this service) is too obvious and is more like revenge, and therefore you shouldn’t do that. Voicemail messages are trickier, and depending on a situation, you have two options: a) not return phone messages; b) return phone messages with a significant delay: 3 or 4 days. Ignoring somebody well, in my experience, requires good self-control, that is, low impulsivity. If you do it politely, you can prevent escalation of hostilities. In rare situations, you may have to sever relations with some people completely and irrevocably. Keep in mind that you don’t have to be friends with everyone. You can cut all relations with anyone, even with a close relative. (If you have dependents, this is a more complicated matter.) In my experience, some people will never get along no matter what, and the only peaceful solution is complete absence of contact.
   

In conclusion, research shows that people can learn social and communication skills, and therefore it is possible that you can improve your social intelligence by training.

• Just like academic intelligence, social intelligence has two dimensions: fluid (the ability to understand and solve novel problems) and crystallized (knowledge and skills).
  
• It is possible that social intelligence will improve if you learn social and communication skills.
  
• Some of the many principles that can help you get along with other people include the following: phrasing objections in the form of a question in an argument; using light greetings in a crowded workplace; avoiding discussing excess body weight at work; ignoring the lack of niceties on the part of your boss because he or she has a boss too; letting the other person win in a face-to-face confrontation; and “the best revenge is ignoring well.”
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