How to Get Famous (8 page)

I suddenly noticed Dad had closed both
his eyes. 'Ah, you're dreaming about all
the tons of money you're going to save,
aren't you?'

Dad's eyes opened wide. 'I'm dreaming
about the moment you leave me alone.'
I persisted. 'I'll sign a proper contract;
you can even get a solicitor to look at it to
check it's legal and binding. No presents
for—'

'I can't listen to another second of this
rubbish,' roared Dad.
'Just go back up to your room, Tobey,'
said Mum wearily. 'And don't ask us any
more about this television show, because
the answer will always be no.'

I cried, 'Well, I only hope you two can
sleep tonight because I know I shan't be
able to.'

I left them to think about that and tore
back upstairs.

A few minutes later Georgia rang up to
hear what had happened. I related the
evening's sorry events. 'I was so close,
Georgia, I mean, that woman from TV
actually wanted me and my two relics to
go on her show. She looked really crushed
when Dad chucked her out. I bet that's
never happened to her before.'

Georgia made agreeing noises.

'One thing I asked my parents to do
but they can't be bothered. No, they'd
rather just continue leading their dull,
obscure lives without any concern for
me.'

'They're incredibly selfish,' agreed
Georgia.

1.30 a.m.

Still awake, just as I'd predicted. But it's
impossible to sleep when, once again, all
your dreams have been shattered.

SATURDAY APRIL 3RD

No words can convey to you the horror of
the last few minutes.

Sue rang me. And she's so great. I mean,
she wasn't at all insulted by the shabby
treatment she received from my parents
yesterday. No, she just brushed that aside
and then asked if I'd succeeded in changing
their minds.

And I wanted to say 'Yes' so badly. In
fact, I very nearly did. But I somehow I
restrained myself and told her the stinky,
rotten truth. She said she knew how
disappointed I must be and she was too, as
she thinks me and my relics would have
made wonderful television.

So there you have it: someone from
television is dead keen for me to appear on
it, actually placing a golden ticket in my
hand, only for my parents to hurl it away
because they couldn't put themselves
through the tiny inconvenience of being
filmed.

Sue's off meeting some other families
now. By next week she'll have planned out
the whole series. So that's it, my chance is
snatched away from me, for ever.

I won't give up though.

I won't.

TUESDAY APRIL 6TH

Georgia's just back from yet another
Secret Garden
rehearsal. I tell you, since
she got the part of Mary her feet haven't
touched the ground. First of all she had to
do all these improvisation exercises –
some at the weekends, as well. In fact, one
Saturday morning Georgia told me this
girl burst into a rehearsal saying she'd run
away from home, and they had to hide her.
Whole drama group was in uproar, until
it turned out this was just another improvisation
exercise. 'Acting needs energy,
courage and split-second thinking,' said
Giles. 'That's what I was testing today.'

He sounds off his head to me. Anyway,
after all that carry-on, Georgia had to
learn the whole script before the first
proper rehearsal. Since then she's gone
over every little scene so many blooming
times. Personally, I think all this
rehearsing is a load of old balderdash
and they're just trying to make acting
as boring as school. But what do I know?

Tonight, though, Georgia was well
upset. 'I don't think I can act at all,' she
announced.

'Oh, you daft sausage, of course you can,'
I replied.

'No, Giles was all smiles to the other
actors tonight, but then he looked at me
and he said wearily, "I know you've got
more to give this part, Georgia, but we're
just not seeing it." I agree with him
actually, I'm rubbish. And I think I'm
going to resign.'

'If you do, I will personally come along to
your house and scalp you,' I cried, 'because
you've got a chance here to get famous. So
you're very lucky. And now you're going to
give it all up just because Giles has got the
grumps. Well, if you do, you deserve to rot
in obscurity – like I'm doing right now –
for all the days of your life.'

She was silent for a few thoughtful
seconds before saying, 'It's just I'm getting
so confused with all the advice he's giving
me and then my mum keeps throwing all
these suggestions at me as well.'

'Oh come on, stop being so pathetic,' I
cried, 'and seize your chance. Get famous,
Georgia!'

THURSDAY APRIL 8TH

Georgia's rung again. And she's been
sobbing down the phone this time.

At tonight's rehearsal Giles got very cross
with her acting and took her aside afterwards.
He hissed, 'Georgia, you're letting
me down. You're holding back all the time.'

I said, 'But that's people in the theatre
for you. They get all worked up if someone
hasn't stirred their coffee the right way.'

'No,' said Georgia, 'it's me. I know how
the words ought to come out, but somehow
they don't. And I'm so flat and awkward
and terrible. Then Giles tells me to try it
again, and I've got so many thoughts
spinning around in my head that I'm even
worse than before. Oh, Tobey, what am I
going to do?'

'Do you know what I recommend?' I
cried suddenly.

'No, tell me.'

Right, listen to your mum's advice,
listen to old Giles, and let all their ideas
ferment in your head. But just before you
go on stage say, I'm going to forget all that
now and just – fly.'

'Fly?' she echoed.

'Yeah, say to yourself it's time to fly and
see what happens.'

'All right, I will,' said Georgia.

Afterwards I wondered about my advice.
I hadn't really thought what I was saying
(just for a change). I merely babbled what
popped into my head.

FRIDAY APRIL 9TH

Georgia called. 'Well, I followed your
advice tonight.'

'And what happened?' I asked very
anxiously.

'Oh Tobey, I flew for the very first time.
And Giles said he always knew I had it in
me and that I was "fabulous" tonight.'

I was thrilled, of course – but every time
she and I spoke I could also hear this other
voice whispering away in my head: thin
and bitter and so resentful that Georgia
was in
The Secret Garden
and I wasn't. It
only ever makes me feel bad. But somehow
I can't switch it off.

I'm certain Georgia doesn't suspect a
thing, though. In fact, tonight, she
thanked me over and over for my brilliant
advice.

It's the dress rehearsal tomorrow and
I'm invited.

SATURDAY APRIL 10TH

This afternoon I arrived at the theatre
with Georgia and her mum. You couldn't
miss the huge poster outside. I was glad
Georgia had top billing and there was a
great photo of her too, looking all deep and
thoughtful.

'Soon,' I said, 'I shall have to get down on
my knees just to talk to you, oh great
actress.'

'I so wish it was you on that poster with
me,' said Georgia softly. Then she shot off
to get ready.

Inside the theatre all the family and
friends took up the first two rows. I could
smell paint and Georgia's mum was wearing
her knock-out perfume again.

Then a light bobbed about on stage and
you heard this voice say, 'I am Mary
Lennox.' Georgia's mum gave this excited
little gasp which was kind of cute really
and then Georgia was off.

Now Mary's a real grotbag at the start.
And Georgia carried this off superbly. She
had such a poisonous expression on her
face as well. I mean, it shocked me. I
thought, this isn't my mate. But of course
she was doing proper acting here. And
then you could see Mary change. It was
dead clever how Georgia did this too. It
wasn't just, hey ho, I'm all nice now. No,
it was much more subtle than that. And
even at the end she still showed flashes of
her old miserableness.

The boy who played Dickon was pretty
good too, especially when he played the
flute. But the whole play was spoiled for
me by the actor who was Colin.

A terrible thing happened there.

He was brilliant.

It was a ghastly shock.

Not once had Georgia hinted how
superb he was. I mean, he spent most of
the play just lying in bed acting bonkers.
But you were still hooked by him. And
when he tottered about in the garden at
the end, people were sniffing and blowing
into their hankies. It ruined the whole
play for me, actually. You see, I knew I'd
never have been as good as him.

It was like a boy who played footie for
his school, suddenly watching a Premier
League player. That was the difference.
He was so obnoxious too. Well, he had
been on the day of the competition, swaggering
about. Yet inside him was all this
talent. It wasn't fair.

In the car on the way back, after telling
Georgia how sensational she was, I asked
about him.

'Yeah, I suppose he's improved a bit,' she
said lightly. She was obviously still trying
to spare my feelings – which somehow
made me feel even worse.

WEDNESDAY APRIL 14TH

Georgia says that Alicia's invited tons of her
media buddies to see
The Secret Garden
.

'You're going to be discovered for sure,' I
said. I had a horrible feeling the boy playing
Colin would too.

'I will tell them about you as well,' said
Georgia. 'I promise on my life.'

'I know you will, just don't say I'm an
actor, because I really don't think acting's
my speciality. Tell them I'm more of a
personality, who'd make a fantastic
presenter.'

THURSDAY APRIL 15TH

Just had a chance for a very quick chat
with Georgia after her final rehearsal. She
said, 'When I was playing Mary tonight,
such a bizarre thing happened. I forgot
everything.'

'Now that is a problem,' I began.

'Oh no, I didn't forget my words – I just
forgot about all the stuff that's going on at
school and everything else. It was as if I
wasn't there any more. I'd turned into
Mary Lennox.'

'Wow, that is impressive,' I murmured,
thinking how Georgia's becoming this
incredibly talented actress, while I'm
nowhere at all. I had a great rush of
jealousy then: it shot right through me,
making my heart pound furiously. And
after Georgia had rung off I slumped down
on my bed as if someone had let all my air
out.

And soon that nasty, whispery voice
started up in my ear again. 'Georgia's leaving
you far, far behind now. Soon you'll
just be this mad loser she used to hang
about with.'

Then I so wanted to let out this huge
roar of frustration. But I didn't because
Georgia rang me again. She was suddenly
feeling very scared and very nervous about
tomorrow night and needed some support.
Well, I didn't let a trace of bitterness creep
into my voice as I cried, 'Georgia, tomorrow
night will be the greatest one of your
entire life. So just enjoy the moment when
you touch life's final frontier – fame.'

FRIDAY APRIL 16TH

6.25 p.m.

Warm greetings to all my fans (I know
you're out there somewhere) and anyone
else who's reading this. I am writing to you
tonight live from the theatre where my
great pal, Georgia, is about to be
discovered and yanked from a life of
obscurity to one of fame and fortune.

And I've refused to listen to any more of
my petty jealous thoughts, and I'm just
going to enjoy this night. The atmosphere
is electric already. The ticket prices are
pretty hot too. One ticket had, of course,
been reserved for me. But I still had to pay
the minimum price – seven pounds. Some
people were actually showing off a bit and
handing over much more than that. I even
saw a few twenty-pound notes flying
about.

Now I've been mingling with the thronging
crowds, trying to smell out media
people. I reckon the theatre is teeming
with them already. I even smiled in a
shamelessly dazzling way at a few of
them, hoping they might instantly spot my
rampant star quality.

Instead they backed hastily away from
me, one or two even looking distinctly
alarmed. The fools will be kicking themselves
one day; there was one woman
wearing acres of make-up and prancing
about in an 'I'm so important' sort of way.
So I beamed winningly at her. 'Excuse me,'
I said, 'I'm sensing that . . . ' But I didn't
want to blurt out 'you're in the media' too
obviously. I wanted to be more subtle. So
instead I said, 'I'm sensing that you know
your way around.'

She blinked at me in utter astonishment.

'I mean,' I went on desperately, 'that you
know the ropes.' Then, as she still looked
blank, I said: 'You are in the media, aren't
you?' At this she burst into peals of
laughter and went off shaking her head.
Then she started talking to this man in a
pin-striped suit and pointing at me, while
laughing again.

I stumbled off, somewhat embarrassed
and bumped into Enid Kay. You remember
her, don't you? She's the little old lady who
told me all about this play, the day I fell off
my bike. Well, she twinkled away at me
and then said, 'But I'm disappointed
you're not up on that stage tonight.'

'I know, but I'm just too magnetic, you
see. The moment I pop up there I just wipe
out everyone else.'

'Ah yes, I can see that.' She laughed.

'But when I do make my debut on stage
I'll send you free tickets – for the front row
as well.'

'And don't you dare forget,' she said.

I saw Georgia's mum bobbing about too.
Her eyes looked big and hungry. She's
definitely got the scent of fame in her
nostrils tonight.

Then I gave Georgia a quick call. 'So
how's life in the star dressing room then?'

'Oh, Tobey, I've just had a coughing
fit. Wouldn't it be awful if I went out
on stage tonight and gave this great,
hacking cough?'

'People will only think it's part of the
role and applaud you all the more. Now
remember what you've got to say just
before you go on stage.'

'The time for worrying is over, now I'm
just going to – fly.'

I've promised to ring her during the
interval and let her know how she's doing.

8.05 p.m.

The interval.

And I've called Georgia already, I said:
'You were quality on that stage.'

'You don't think I rushed my first lines?'

'No way: and you should see your mum.
I wouldn't be very surprised if she just
exploded with pride soon. Just make sure
you're as good in the second half. But I
know you will because I've seen you do it
already. So you've got absolutely nothing
to worry about . . . just enjoy. Bye.'

Immediately after making that call I
hurried through the crowds of people
queuing for choc ices and burst out of the
theatre. I found this secluded spot round
by the back and then proceeded to emit
large volumes of vomit. It's glistening up
at me now.

Sorry if I've shocked you. I'm pretty
surprised as well. I mean, I went into the
theatre my usual hearty self and now . . .
now, well I'm obviously sick with jealousy
at having to watch a boy being so awesomely
superb in my part. And the grisly
horror of it all must have somehow
inflamed my stomach.

Then I stood there gasping in the way
you do after you've just been sick and
wondering if anything else was going to
tumble out of my mouth. Nothing else did.
But I still felt churned up. And then I felt
ashamed of feeling so ill and miserable on
the occasion of Georgia's great triumph. I
had no idea I was so selfish.

If only that boy playing Colin hadn't
been quite so mega-brilliant, even better
in fact than he was at the dress rehearsal.
But I don't want to use up any more paper
on him. I suppose I ought to go and
support Georgia again now. And I will.

I just don't want to return and start
exploding vomit over everyone.

So give me another minute or two. OK?

9.55 p.m.

Something's happened.

I was pacing around the back of the
theatre, just about to go back when I
heard . . .

'
Help
.'

It wasn't very loud, a bit muffled in fact.
But it was coming from a door right in
front of me. I wondered if someone had got
locked in there. That's all I thought. Then
I tried the door, never really expecting it to
open. But it did.

I blundered in, sending this guy who
must have been standing right behind it
spinning off balance. And I noticed two
things about this guy as he went flying
towards the wall. One, that he was wearing
a balaclava: the other, that he had a
gun which sprang out of his hand.

It was a dark room, with just a desk
light giving off a pretty miserable glow.
Dimly I could see a woman lying tied up on
the ground. And there was another person
also in a balaclava, swinging towards me
and that gun – which had jumped right
across the room. He very nearly grabbed
the gun too. Only I got to it first.

And no, I didn't do it to be brave. It
happened far too quickly for that. It was
like someone throwing a ball in your
direction and you catching it. You do it in
a flash without thinking, don't you?

And then I thought, this can't be real. It
can't. This isn't a genuine robbery. No, I've
crashed into some sort of improvisation
exercise. They're always having them
here, aren't they? But this looks a really
tough one – things you have to go through
to be an actor today. Well, just to show how
versatile I am I shall snap right into my
part and show I can do 'split-second' acting
too.

So I stood there waving the gun about
and saying: 'Right, on the floor,' to the two
men in the balaclavas. And they did what
I said . . . well, of course, one of them had
already been knocked onto the ground, so
he just stayed where he was.

That gun was sliding about in my hand
like a slippery fish, while pure shock was
tingling away in every nerve of my body.
And I was waiting for someone to say,
'Wonderful improvisation, everyone. Well
done.' But no one did.

So instead I went over to the woman
who was also lying on the floor. It was
getting quite crowded down there actually,
as it was a very small room – and I helped
her scramble up and tried untying her
arms. This took me longer than it should
have done as I'm not very good at undoing
knots. And suddenly, one of the men got
up.

'Move one more step and I'll fire this for
certain!' I shouted (I suppose screamed
might have been a more accurate
description).

Without a doubt, the best bit of acting
I've ever done. That guy immediately
slumped back again and both of them
became motionless. In fact, the whole
room was now very still. I carried on
untying the woman, while also shaking
the gun about in a wild and probably
highly worrying way. And after the woman
was free, she struggled to her feet. Then,
eyes half-shut, she took some deep breaths
before gasping, 'It's all right. I'll take the
gun now.'

Rather anxiously, because she looked as
if she was about to fall over, I handed her
the gun. She didn't say a word at first, just
stood there holding the gun in one hand
and rubbing her head with the other. Then
all of a sudden her voice ripped through
the room. 'Take off your balaclavas . . . '
Then she screeched, 'Now!' The two guys
obeyed instantly. And they were just lads –
no more than about sixteen, I'd say.

She then took the bag of money they'd
stolen and actually handed it to me for a
moment. 'Nearly two thousand pounds in
there,' she muttered. I thought of saying,
to cheer things up a bit, 'Well, thanks for
the tip, I'll be off now,' but decided against
it. There are some moments which you
just can't cheer up. And this was definitely
one of them.

So then I put the money on the table and
she said, suddenly and eerily calm, 'Go
and get help now. Sid should be close by
somewhere.' That's when it finally hit me
with huge force that this wasn't some wild
improvisation exercise, it was REAL.

As I was leaving, the woman was asking
the boys where they'd got their gun from
and they really didn't want to tell her. But
they'd already morphed from being highly
menacing to sulky and frightened
schoolboys.

I sped off and found Sid fairly quickly.
Would you believe? he was Moth-man from
the first day of the auditions. He can move
fast though, I'll give him that. When I told
him what had happened he sprinted off
while talking into his mobile.

He took the gun from the woman whose
name I found out is Bea. Then some other
people turned up and Bea and I went into
this staffroom, where she made us both a
cup of tea. She told me what had happened
to her.

She'd just finished cashing up all the
takings and sorting out the tickets for
tomorrow's performance when these two
guys in balaclavas had burst in. They
grabbed the money and told her to get
down on the floor. Bea called out 'Help!'
once, before getting coshed on the head.

Then I explained that I'd been hanging
about outside because I felt a bit sick.

'You were very brave coming to my
rescue,' she said. I wasn't really, though,
because most of the time I thought it was
some crazy acting stunt – but I didn't
argue with her. She went on to say I was
her guardian angel, which I rather liked.

Then the police turned up to take statements
and there was this other guy there
too with very piercing alert eyes. He
chatted to me for ages.

Suddenly I heard all these people traipsing
out of the theatre.
The Secret Garden
was over. I'd sort of forgotten it was on –
there'd been so much going on here. The
police had finished with me then, so I
rushed round to the dressing rooms.

Georgia and her mum were being congratulated
by everyone. Alicia Kay danced
in and gave Georgia this massive hug. And
I just stood there watching all this, kind of
dazed and bewildered.

Then Georgia and her mum asked me,
almost in unison where I'd gone. 'You
missed the whole of the second half,' said
Georgia's mum in shocked tones. Then I
told them how ill I'd been. And Georgia
said that I didn't look very well now and
then gently added that I had a little piece
of vomit nestling on my chin.

So all the time I'd been waving that gun
about I'd had sick gleaming about my
person. Some hero I am. But why didn't
anyone tell me? And I don't mean the two
robbers. But surely Bea could have let me
know.

Anyway, I didn't tell Georgia about my
bit of action. It just didn't seem fair on her
night of her triumph. Especially as she
was babbling about this girl in Year
Nine at her school who'd come up to
congratulate her afterwards. And anyway,
I felt a bit shaky. In the car on the way
back I even began to shiver.

'Poor boy, you're really not at all well,
are you?' said Georgia.

But actually, I was thinking about the
robbers and me holding that gun. I can be
a bit slow sometimes. And it was only now
I fully realized what had happened
tonight.

When I got home I didn't tell my parents
anything about it either. I decided that
tonight's events were just a moment of
sheer cosmic weirdness. And they didn't
belong anywhere in my life.