How to Raise a Jewish Dog (10 page)

How do you know when to intervene in a dangerous situation and when to let the dog work it out for himself?

Our rule of thumb is: Protect the dog from all human-based, possum-based, and alligator-based threats. In addition, be sure
to become hysterical and drag your dog away from any other dog, cat, porcupine, gopher, skunk, or squirrel that appears the
least bit hostile. Horses and coyotes are not even worth thinking about.

Despite every precaution, unfortunately, there may come a time when your dog ends up in a fight with another. Here is our
standard formula with regard to intervening at such times:

Your Dog in a Fight with Another: Steps to Take

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Summon dog by name. If that fails—

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Stand over fighting dogs and scream. If that fails—

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Grab your dog by scruff of neck and pull away from fight. If that fails—

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Look around for, scream at, owner of other dog. If that fails—

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Throw water on both dogs. If that fails—

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Throw water on owner of other dog. If that fails—

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Grab owner of other dog by scruff of neck and threaten lawsuit. If that fails—

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Grab your dog by scruff of neck, kick other dog, and drag your dog away, then return and kick owner of other dog.

Once Any of the Preceding Are Successful . . .

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Remove your dog from vicinity, check for injury.

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In case of minor injury, drive sobbing to vet.

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In case of major injury, drive in cold fury to vet.

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Sue, or threaten to sue and then settle with, owner of other dog.

By the time you have implemented these steps, either you will have succeeded in separating the contending dogs or the owner
of the other dog will have broken up the fight. In either case, remember to implement the final four steps. Always check your
dog for injuries, always drive to the vet either in hysterics or a white-hot implacable rage, and always sue, or threaten
to sue, the other owner.

Many people “eat to live” (eat mainly to ensure their physical survival), while others “live to eat” (make food and eating
a primary source of satisfaction and pleasure).

The same truism applies to dogs—some eat to live, while others live to eat. In raising a Jewish dog, however, you will confront
a third practice.

A dog being raised Jewish
eats to live to eat.
That is, she eats to survive and then, once she has survived, she looks around and thinks, I like eating. What else is there
to eat?

A dog raised Jewish not only combines the two rationales that humans have for eating, but also displays the two styles that
humans—or, at least, Americans—use. Americans, as all the world knows, are both an extremely diet-conscious people and, at
the same time, an extremely fat people. In fact, much of the time the reason so many of us are so determined to lose weight
is so we can resume eating. Our national motto may officially be “E pluribus unum,” but it might as well be “It’s all about
the food.”

The more a dog is raised Jewish, the more he will display these two extremes of American eating styles. Sometimes he will
eat as though he never intends to stop. At other times, he becomes quite picky and finicky. The owner of such a dog will have
to learn to navigate between these two extremes. But bear in mind that, even when the dog seems the most hard to please and
the most discriminating, he is probably just preparing for the time when he will resume eating everything not nailed down.

There are three basic methods for feeding a dog. Which one you select will be determined by three factors: the breed of your
dog, the requirements of your lifestyle, and whether or not you are raising a Jewish dog.

1. Scheduled Feeding

RECOMMENDED FOR:
Large dogs, dogs with big appetites

WHEN:
Twice a day. Once in morning, once in evening

HOW:
Set out bowl filled with food. Remove after reasonable period of time whether dog has eaten or not. If dog does not eat,
do not put bowl out until next scheduled feeding time.

TRAINING BENEFIT:
Teaches dog to eat at proper times; puts limits on how much dog may eat

LIFESTYLE BENEFIT:
Coordinates dog’s breakfast and dinner with human schedule

2. Free Feeding

RECOMMENDED FOR:
Smaller dogs, dogs with limited appetites

WHEN:
All day, all night

HOW:
Leave full bowl of food out all day. Refill when empty.

TRAINING BENEFIT:
Dog learns to self-feed, doesn’t beg or whine for food

LIFESTYLE BENEFIT:
Convenient for owners with unpredictable schedules, as food is always available for dog.

3. Dog-Being-Raised-Jewish Feeding

RECOMMENDED FOR:
Dogs being raised Jewish

WHEN:
Twice a day, plus all day and all night, plus at unpredictable intervals

HOW:
Put out breakfast bowl first thing in morning. If dog sniffs and makes gagging sounds, prepare plate of scrambled eggs for
him. If dog still doesn’t eat, prepare turkey bacon and serve alongside eggs. If dog still doesn’t eat, rush to vet. If dog
does eat, allow him to finish, then put out large bowl filled with enough food to last entire day into evening. For dinner,
put out dinner bowl. If dog refuses to eat, replace with steak, chops, chicken (boneless), meat loaf, turkey (boneless), and
so on. If dog still doesn’t eat, rush to vet. If dog does eat, put out large bowl filled with enough food to last through
the night even though dog will probably be asleep most of the time. Also, during day and into night, give treats, “cookies,”
and so forth, intermittently and randomly. Also, at unpredictable intervals, leave surprise human food (uncooked steaks, hamburgers,
just-arranged platter of chicken Kiev boneless breasts, bag of rolls) “on counter where dog can’t reach it,” then watch with
secret pride as dog reaches, jumps up, grabs, and eats.

A typical weekday breakfast (on the weekends there’s bacon). Note the human- type dishes, tray, and so on. Dogs think the
food is better if it’s coming from your plate.

TRAINING BENEFIT:
Encourages dog to eat, not only when hungry, but when happy, sad, frustrated, depressed, worried, celebratory, bereft, inspired,
anxious, lonely, and bored. Also, because food, to a dog being raised Jewish, is synonymous with love, prevents dog being
denied ready food
for even one second,
thus teaching dog that owner loves her. Surprise feeding helps dog exercise instinctual hunting-and-killing and sneaking-and-stealing
skills.

LIFESTYLE BENEFIT:
Scheduled Feeding allows dog to eat with owner, affords owner chance to discuss, over meal, with dog, the things Jewish people
talk about when they eat, which is where they ate in the past and where they will eat in the future. Free Feeding allows owner
to feel that she denies dog nothing, which is more than you could ever say about her parents. Surprise feeding allows owner
to feel generous, robust, and in touch with “life.”

Some dogs should not ever be exposed to Free Feeding and should be exposed to Dog-Being-Raised-Jewish Feeding only after extensive
Jewish training because they are born “food-driven” and will, if left to their own devices, literally eat themselves into
illness.

One such dog is Copper, a beagle, who proved an interesting specimen for our Inner Monologue study. What follows is a sample
of his Inner Monologue before we accepted him into our program:

Before enrolling in our Program, Copper’s owner had switched his food from regular to low-fat. By the end of the training,
the owner concluded that Jews and diets “don’t work,” switched him back to regular food, and remodeled her kitchen to include
a single entrance with a lockable door. Copper, meanwhile, learned a bit of patience from the Program and demonstrated a modified
Inner Monologue in which the sentences were transformed into “WOULD IT KILL YOU TO GIMME DAT FOOD?”

Copper: “Gimme dat food.”

Because food and eating play such a central role in the emotional life of the dog being raised Jewish, the subject of not-eating
requires some discussion.

Not-eating occurs when the dog doesn’t eat. This behavior can have several causes, one of which is that the dog is—supposedly—not
hungry. However, since eating for the Jewish dog is connected with a variety of emotional states other than mere hunger, the
owner is entitled to be skeptical when the dog professes that he is not hungry and to suspect that the dog is deliberately
not eating for some other reason or purpose, including:

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Wanting to torment the owner

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Wanting to “get back at” the owner for some previous wrong

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Being in one of his “moods”

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Because nothing is ever good enough

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Because something is always the matter

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Because God forbid the owner’s life should be easy

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Because the dog doesn’t like the owner’s cooking, apparently

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Because the dog thinks he’s “fat,” which is the owner’s fault for giving him a poor self-image

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Because the owner stresses the dog out too much

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Or something.

Not- eating may be a sign that dog is sick — or, alternatively, that he thought he ordered the French toast. It is up to owner
to figure out which. (Tip: One simple test is to make some French toast. If dog still doesn’t eat, rush him to vet.)

In any case, the appropriate response to the sight of a dog not eating is to stand over the dog and say, “Since when are you
not eating?” Continue to say this until the dog eats. If, after a reasonable period of time, the dog continues to not eat,
say “Fine, do what you want” and walk away. Then feel guilty, return, and rush the dog to the vet.