How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (10 page)

To avoid lady luck picking you as the unhappy person follow this fail-safe guide.

Comparatively simple for the bride, utter nightmare for everyone else.

Ascertain what colour the bridesmaids are wearing, or what the colour theme is of the flowers or wedding. This should influence your palette – no point clashing with the focal characters in the official photos.

A good tip is to stock up in the January sales on summer/evening dresses and rotate them around the summer weddings. You’ll be amazed, it’s like buses: you wait for years, and then three (weddings) happen at once.

Go for pretty, delicate, non-slutty, unaggressive styles, and comfortable heels, as you will be on your feet all day, all night, and most likely will have to deal with grass, cobblestones, stairs and all the major heel-wearing hazards.

Play fair – it is considered very bad form to upstage the bride at her own bash. It is not fair to give the groom doubts.

You can wear white and you can wear black at a wedding . . . if you have to. But far better to avoid these colours altogether, unless you are trying to make a
statement
. Not wearing white is obvious good manners, unless you intend to jilt the bride at the last minute. As for black, Mary, Queen of Scots wore this to her wedding and all her subsequent misfortune has been attributed to it. Extreme, but there will be ample other opportunities to wear black, even, for example, to weddings in America where you’ll stand out if you are in colour.

You don’t have to wear a hat to a wedding, but it is a good excuse to. (See How to wear a hat).

You
have
to RSVP promptly and politely to wedding invitations, ideally on the cards supplied, whether you can attend or can’t think of anything worse.

When replying to the invite casually call and find out the programme, religion, and any additional points to navigate. Pot roast/buffet style? Any ‘hidden gems’? Try to uncover these NOW. This will influence dress and shoe code, e.g. outdoors will need shawl and heels that can cope with grass stains, potential rain, and chilly relatives.

If an overnight stay is required, RSVP really early. If the couple suggests a hotel, it is usually good sense to opt for this as it should be in close proximity to the event, and shows willing on your part. Proposed venue should have arranged a special rate for wedding guests.

If they have a wedding list, go for it. Give them what they want, and save yourself hours of agony. If all you can afford is a sugar-bowl lid, so be it.

Have a full English that morning, as you may not see food for a very long time. There is the service, the photos, the line-up, and all manner of rituals and alcoholic moments to get through before you taste a morsel. Line your stomach.

You can still breathe, walk, talk and live as a single person, however thoroughly inadequate days like today make you feel. Everyone there has been single at one point or another. Remember this from nine-times married Zsa Zsa Gabor: ‘Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.’ At least you don’t have that to worry about.

NEVER go alone.
Tradition says that this is THE place to meet your future beloved, and if this is the case you don’t need anyone cramping your style. Rubbish. If you get invited to a wedding, take someone. If you don’t have a partner, pay someone or drag along a ‘best boy friend’. Gay boyfriends are the best option here, but do remember to ask in advance if you can bring a guest. Seating and head counts are major wedding headaches so uninvited guests are a real no-no, and an ambiguous hint of a possible plus one will buy you some time to shop around the singles market.

A friend will make you seem much more approachable, and you can have a partner in crime for the day’s antics. If you were alone you would simply have to nurse the obligatory flute of champagne, while standing with a glazed fixed smile on your face, wondering silently why that woman chose headgear that looked like a vegetable.

If you do see someone on their own, go up and say something to them, compliment their dress or (if they look too ghastly to go there) say how wonderful the wedding/cake/weather is. Compassion.

You are not meant to hit the dance floor until after the newly-weds have had the first dance, even if you are a far superior dancer.

Know when to leave. It is considered bad luck to leave before the cutting of the cake, and now, thanks to numerous scenes in American movies, until the bride has tossed the bouquet.

Always pre-book a cab. Why do you think Cinderella caused such a sensation at the ball? She left early. Always leave people wanting more. If you arrive knowing when you are leaving you can calculate how long you mingle, how long you drink, how long you turn on the charm, and so on.

Don’t hog the bride or groom in conversation. They have to circulate, meet and greet.

In case you get tongue tied, have glazed over, or are really quite inebriated, have a prepared conversation-opener in mind:

Bride – You look beautiful, who made your dress?

Groom – She looks beautiful, where did you get her (ring)?

Best man – Great speech . . . got any friends?

In-laws bride side – You must be very proud.

In-laws groom side – You must be very relieved.

Always be nice to the wedding photographer. (See How to look good in a photo).

And finally . . . You may not slap the wandering hands of a lecherous drunken relative; your parents will never let you live it down.

Funerals

‘The only way you can become a legend is in your coffin,’ said Bette Davis. Katharine Hepburn took an equally cynical line: ‘Death will be a relief. No more interviews.’

A solemn, sad and much more straightforward event.

Wear black daywear, not eveningwear and never too tarty. Think demure rather than black widow. Think soft make-up, waterproof mascara.

Hats, or, better still, a black tulle veil.

Think Jackie Kennedy at JFK’s funeral, Princess Diana at Gianni Versace’s funeral.

Sombre yet chic.

Take tissues; if you don’t need them someone will. Handkerchiefs are unhygienic and horrid to share.

Pre-order flowers to arrive at the funeral with message of condolence.

NEVER be late. Bad karma.

Wakes. You have to go – but not for long.

Respect the wishes of the immediate family.

Don’t mention money or settling old scores, not today.

Birthdays

Men may carelessly forget them, while women try to and cannot. Birthdays herald another year has passed, another wrinkle, another wealth of experience, another chapter in life’s rich tapestry, and another
distinct lack
of marriage proposals.

On your birthday write a list of things you want to achieve in the coming year – and review it on your next birthday to see where life has taken you.

Write all friends’ birthdays in your
address book
so as not to forget the date when diaries get updated.

Say it with diamonds, say it with flowers, say it with cake, say it with gift-wrap, but say it with meaning. And don’t forget to call.

Anyone can remember Christmas. Birthdays are for the individual so that day must be special for them. It must not be forgotten.

Stick with the motto, if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all. Tell them tomorrow how stupid they are to have a face-lift.

’Tis better to give than to receive. Set high standards for yourself and try to give something unique that reflects how you feel. You will get as much out of giving as they will in getting. It also raises the stakes when you are on the receiving end.

Cakes and candles, whatever the age, are essential. When you are fifteen you wish you were sixteen, when you are seventeen – eighteen. When you are twenty-one you long to be thought of as an adult. When you wish you were getting younger, you are getting on. Have as many great memories as you have candles on your cake.

Other than the early years, eighteen, twenty-one, thirty, forty, fifty and sixty are the only birthdays that really ‘matter’, the only real milestones that require big hoopla.

You are forty only once, ONCE. Make a note of anyone who invites you to their fortieth birthday party three years in succession, and deplete gift accordingly.

Only the Queen can have two birthdays. Everyone else has one, once a year.

How to survive New Year’s Eve

It is a fact that few people care to admit, but New Year’s Eve is one of the most overrated and stress-inducing dates in the calendar. The only way to be able to survive it is with forward planning. Spontaneity collapses on New Year’s Eve as most drinking holes and clubs have cottoned on to this ‘event’ and sell tickets in advance.

There are a few options you can go for:

Plan ahead and get all your friends to buy tickets for the same place on the night and go together. Or avoid hassle and debates by giving them all tickets to the venue that you want to go to for Christmas.

If you are feeling energetic throw a dinner party.

Book a cottage or go abroad.

Or you can watch the obligatory reruns on television, make a list of New Year’s Resolutions, stay up to hear Big Ben and go to bed sober. Wake up fresh as a daisy and ready to start the New Year as you mean to go on: hitting the sales.

How to be astrologically in tune

‘You can tell a lot about someone’s personality if you know his star sign. Take Jesus, born on 25 December. Fed the 5,000, walked on water – typical Capricorn’
Harry Hill

Astrology is one of the oldest and most mystical methods of predicting the future, and the horoscope page is by far the most essential page in a newspaper.

If you can’t decide whether you should risk getting out of bed and going to work, what you should wear, and need to know which are the days you are destined to fall in love, this is the thing for you. Astrology looks to the stars and hints at what action to take.

Astrology does have a science bit but like most things, you can ignore this. It’s a daily update on ‘will they or won’t they’, ‘should you or can you’. There are twelve signs of the zodiac divided not monthly – no, that would be far too simple – but, according to your birth date and the phases of the moon, they predict your daily destiny and fate . . . which is always handy.

Find a publication that you like, and more importantly trust – as in ‘get favourable results from’, and you have your morning solace with your cornflakes. You can even have your stars texted directly to your mobile (but be slightly wary of the hidden cost sting this has). You KNOW a relationship is getting serious when you start scouring the papers for what your partner’s stars say.

Go to
www.astrologyzone.com
. The forecasts of Susan Miller are so popular that the site is usually jammed on the first of each month. Proof that she is good. She can tell you who you should be with, and what signs are really worth avoiding.

Try to read just the positive and not the negative, and definitely ignore the flowery hippy language. Don’t forget: you make your own luck.

Symbol
Ram

Ruling planet
Mars

Element
Fire

Not to be coupled with
Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio, Pisces

People under this sign are said to be active, ambitious, bold and impulsive. They dress this way too. They are confident and more often than not are the trendsetters that inspire the room. They are charmers and like sexy styles that draw a crowd.

Symbol
Bull

Ruling planet
Mercury

Element
Earth

Not good with
Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius and Aries

This is the person who will buy the most expensive designer clothes, and still hoard their charity shop finds. They tend to be of a muscular build and suit earthy colours. They think with their hearts rather than their heads, but have strong will power and integrity and seldom buy on impulse.

Symbol
Twins

Ruling planet
Venus

Element
Air

Disaster with
Taurus, Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn

Blessed with intelligence and innovative qualities, this is the sign of a true multi-tasker. They are decisive shoppers and good listeners. They do not need to make fashion statements and can keep their looks constantly updated by mastering the art of classics with a twist. They are witty and alluring but there is a danger that they may be a little too blunt. The perfect shopping partner.

Symbol
Crab

Ruling planet
Moon

Element
Water

Best to avoid
Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini and Aquarius

These are sentimental souls who are fond of travelling, as long as it’s round the home. They love tactile materials, luxury and have sharp memories. They are very independent, with tricky-to-predict moods, and dress accordingly, black for melancholy and bright colours for a lighter mood. They are the star sign best suited to silks and embroidery, cottons and jazzy motifs.

Symbol
Lion

Ruling planet
Sun

Element
Fire

Shouldn’t shake with
Virgo, Capricorn, Pisces, Cancer