How to Write a Brilliant Romance: The Easy, Step-By-Step Method of Crafting a Powerful Romance (Go! Write Something Brilliant) (15 page)

Here
are
three
lines
from
a
snippet
of
dialogue
without
the
External
Actions
and
Body
Language

“I
don’t
care
where
you’re
going.
Stay
out
all
night
if
you
want
to.
In
fact,
I hope you have a great time.”

Simple
dialogue,
but
now
let’s
add
actions
that
contain
meaning
and
some
frugal
body
language:

“
I don’t care where you’re going.” Janice barely looked up from her book as
he stood by the door. “Stay out all night if you want to.” She put a thumb over
the paragraph to keep her place. Looked up and smiled—the kind of smile
she used
to
give
him
when
she
did
trust
him.
When
he
deserved
her
trust.

“In
fact,
I hope you have a great
time.”

He
closed
the
door,
hating
himself
as
it
latched
behind
him.

Notice
that
she
doesn't
even
use
tone
of
voice,
just
her
actions
show
that
she's
reached
a
point
of not
caring.
Now,
let's
look
at
another
way,
same
words:

“
I
don’t
care
where
you’re
going.”
Janice
dumped
the
baked
potatoes
into
the
garbage.

“Stay
out
all
night
if
you
want
to.”
She
flashed
him
a
smile
as
she
threw
the
casserole
pan
into
the
sink,
turned
on
the
water
full
blast.
She
forced
herself
not
to
wince
as
it
splashed
her
face.
“
In
fact,
I
hope
you
have
a
great
time.”

She grabbed the towel and very, very slowly, wiped her face, keeping the towel there until she heard the soft click of the door closing behind her husband.

Okay,
one
of
the
differences
is
that
these
are
in
two
different
POVs.
Again,
I
didn't
use
any
voice tones,
just
actions
behind
the
words
and
the
barest
amount
of
body
language.

Note:
The
right
balance
between
meaningful
action
and
body
language
will
feel
natural.
Try
to balance
them
out
with
two
to
three
sentences
of
meaningful
action,
with
body
language
thrown
in now
and
again
to
see
their
face.
Most
of
the
time,
however,
you
want
the
action
to
speak
just
as loudly
as
the
words.

Let’s
take
our
earlier
scene
and
add
meaningful
action
and
body
language;

Frank came in, plopping his briefcase on the counter. “What’s the
occasion?” He pulled off his tie, picked up the mail, sorted through it.Janice
smoothed
her
dress,
took
a
breath.
“No
occasion.
I
just
wanted
to
look
nice.
How
was
wor--?”

“
You
always
look
nice.”
He
held
up
an
envelope
to
the
light,
squinting.

Janice
picked
up
an
onion,
started
to
chop
it
for
the
casserole
she
was
making
for church.
“
The baby spit up on my other outfit.”

“
What’s for supper?”

She wiped her eyes as they began to water.

“I haven’t even thought about it, what with Jimmy’s soccer club and Amy’s school project. And I have choir practice tonight. I s’pose I could throw in a frozen pizza again.”

She didn’t turn toward him, just sniffed as she scraped the onions into a bowl, then chucked the knife and the cutting board into the sink.

“We had that last night.”

He set the mail down, thumbed open yet another offering of a low-rate credit card. Shook his head.

“So you don’t want pizza?” She turned, reached for a towel, and when she couldn’t find one, wiped her hands on the hem of her dress.

“It’s not really about what I want, is it? But what we have.”

He looked up, for the first time finding her eyes.She shrugged, picking up the bowl of onions, staring into it.“Pizza is fine.”

He picked up his briefcase, tucking the mail into his jacket pocket.

“By the way, I don’t want pizza either.” She opened the freezer and wiggled out the crushed boxes from the crammed freezer. “But the kids do, and that’s what matters.”

We
sense
his
indifference
to
her,
the
feeling
that
he’s
more
interested
in
junk
mail
than
her.
And
she is
trying
to
hide
her
feelings,
masking
it
with
chopping
the
onions.
Her
pulling
the
boxes
out
of
a freezer
already
full
of
frozen
dinners
tells
us
that
they
don’t
eat
out
as
often
as
she
hopes.

Now we’re
going to add another element of Sizzle: Internal Monologue and Tone of Voice. This is all about attitude.

Good internal thought should be interspersed lightly, but be only the thoughts the POV character would think. Same goes with tone of voice: sparingly, but with impact. Your tone of voice is actually an extension of the thoughts, so often it’s not even necessary. Also, one of the fun parts of interspersing internal monologue
is
that
your
character
can
be
saying
one
thing
and
thinking something
totally
different.
His
tone
of
voice
can
convey
that.

A few pointers about Internal
Monologue.

First
of
all,
you’re
in
a
character’s
POV,
so
anything
they
think,
if
it
doesn’t
have
quotation
marks around
it,
is
internal
and
should
not
be
in
italics
. The only time you
need
italics
is
when
the character
is
remembering
another
voice
in
their
head,
or
they
are
unable
to
voice
the
words
they
are speaking.
For
example
if
a
person
is
remembering
something
their
mother
said
to
them.
Or
if
they are
watching
someone
leave
from
across
the
room
and
are
unable
to
say,
Stop,
don’t
go!
although
they are
screaming
it
in
their
head.

Think
of
internal
monologue
as
screaming,
or
another
voice
speaking
inside
your
head, and you’ll get it
right.

Now
that
the
italic
issue
is
settled,
here
are
my
rules
of
thumb
when
using
internal
monologue:

Example:
I
really
don’t
want
her
to
leave,
because
if
she
does
leave
I’ll
be
alone
and back where I
started.

This
thought
feels
jarring
for
the
reader,
and
frankly,
carries
less
of
an
impact.

Try: He didn’t want her to leave. Not really. Because then where would he
be?

Do
you
see
the
difference?
This
allows
the
reader
to
sympathize
with
him,
in
fact,
the
reader
knows him
better
than
he
knows
himself
at
this
point,
which
is
fun
for
the
reader.

Same
goes
for
things
like
he
thought
or
he
wondered.
You
know
who
is
thinking
the
thought,
so
it’s
not necessary.

Example:
Did he really
want her to leave? No, he thought.

Try: Did he really want her to leave?
No.

What
about
internal
introspection?
I
sometimes
use
italics
during
an
Epiphany,
when
a
character
is remembering
something
he
or
she
said,
or
something
someone
said
to
them.
This
qualifies
as
another
voice
in
their
head.
But
even
then,
I
put
the
dialogue
piece
of
memory
in
italics,
and
keep the
introspection
in
regular
thoughts.
In
other
words,
if
you’re
writing
in
third
person,
just
write
the character’s
thoughts
in
third
person.

Not: He always took a good thing and tore it to pieces, he thought
about himself.

Better: He always took a good thing and tore it to
pieces.

You
can
give
it
even
more
impact
by
converting
interior
monologue
into
a
question.

Not: He wondered why he always took a good thing and tore it to
pieces.

Better: Why
did
he
always
take
a
good
thing
and
tear
it
to
pieces?

Let’s
take
a
look
at
how
internal
monologue
works
in
our
Janice
and
Frank
“Marriage
Blues”
scene:

Frank came in, plopping his briefcase on the counter. “What’s the
occasion?” He pulled off his tie, picked up the mail, sorted through
it. Of
course
there
had
to
be
an
occasion.
Because
she
couldn’t
dress
up
for
any
other reason, could she? Janice smoothed her dress, took a breath. “No
occasion. I just wanted to look nice. How was
wor--?”

“
You
always
look
nice.”
He
held
up
an
envelope
to
the
light,
squinting. Yeah, sure she looked nice. Couldn’t he just speak the truth? What had happened that their entire marriage had reduced to lies? Janice picked up
an onion, started to chop it for the casserole she was making for church.

“
The baby
spit
up
on
my
other
outfit.”
Her
eyes
began
to
burn.
Those
onions.

“
What’s for supper?”

No,
oh,
“I’m
sorry
honey,
is
the
baby
sick?”
Or
“how
was
your
day?”
Just supper,
and
maybe
later,
“Where
are
my
clean
sweatpants?”
She
wiped
her eyes
as
they
began
to
water.

“
I
haven’t
even
thought
about
it,
what
with
Jimmy’s
soccer
club
and
Amy’s
school project. And I have choir practice tonight. I s’pose I could throw in
a frozen
pizza
again.”

She
didn’t
turn
toward
him,
just
sniffed
as
she
scraped
the
onions
into
a
bowl,
then
chucked
the
knife
and
the
cutting
board
into
the
sink.

“
We
had
that
last
night.”

He
set
the
mail
down,
thumbed
open
yet
another
offering of a low-rate credit card. Shook his
head.

“
So, you don’t want pizza?” She couldn’t help the shrill in her voice—well,
she could.
But
he
deserved
it.
She
turned,
reached
for
a
towel,
and
when
she
couldn’t find one, wiped her hands on the hem of her
dress.

“
It’s not really about what I want, is it? But what we have.” He looked up,
for the first time finding her
eyes. She
stared
at
him,
his
words
echoing
inside
her.
What
did
they
have?
She shrugged,
picking
up
the
bowl
of
onions,
staring
into
it.

“
Pizza is fine.” He picked up his briefcase, tucking the mail into his
jacket pocket. Perfect, just perfect.

“
By the way, I don’t want pizza either.” She whispered,
her voice on the fine edge of breaking. She opened the freezer and wiggled out
the crushed
boxes
from
the
crammed
freezer.
“But
the
kids
do,
and
that’s
what
matters.”

See
how
the
internal
monologue
and
frugal,
yet
strong
use
of
tone
of
voice
deepen
the
scene?

That’s
a
scene
with
all
the
elements
of
Sizzle
.
What
you
didn’t
realize
is
that
I
took
mundane conversation,
and
because
of
the
motivations,
the
conflict
underneath,
the
action
with
meaning,
the body
language,
the
internal
monologue,
I
also
turned
it
into
a
passage
of
subtexting.
Their
entire marriage
is
about
disappointment,
and
how
they’ve
grown
apart,
and
this
scene
about
what
to
have for
dinner
represents
exactly
that
problem.

Subtexting
is
layering
in
meaning,
using
the
dialogue
or
setting
as
metaphor
for
the
deeper
meaning of the
scene.

Subtexting
can
be
accomplished
without
dialogue
through
the
use
of
setting
and
action.

In
the
scene
above,
I
subtexted
with
action
set
against
the
words.
I
used
the
onions
to
show
the tears,
the
junk
mail
to
accentuate
what
fills
their
lives,
and
the
crammed
box
of
pizza
to
represent how
wrecked
she
feels.