How You Touch Me (6 page)

To spare my own feelings, I decide that I must have
imagined it. Yes, that's it, those three sweet words are just
figments of my own fevered imagination. The multiple shattering
orgasms that I just had must have seriously messed with my senses.
As Julian said, my pulse and breathing had climbed to uncontrollable,
unbelievable levels. Too much blood and oxygen in my brain. It's no
wonder my head just floated away into the clouds. Head in the
clouds, castles in the air. I should just forget about it, forget
that he ever said those three precious words to me when he thought
that I was asleep. It's for the best.

Exhaling a long breath, I empty myself of all thought
and emotion and just plunge into a deep, drowning sleep.

I have lost track of time, but the evening sunlight
makes the pool water glow orange and red, like the water is on fire.
I kick off the wall strongly and swim my twentieth lap. The exercise
feels good. My arms and legs propel me powerfully through the water,
and my whole body feels warm from the exertion. I finish the lap and
lean against the edge of the pool, surveying the back of the house.
Julian is in his office, and Mrs Kenny is probably in the kitchen,
preparing dinner before she leaves for the evening. Creating waves
by sweeping my arms in big arcs around me, I frown and glance towards
the house again. Julian has not asked me to test the sex machine for
days and days now. I'm not sure, but it feels like my last session
with the machine was more than a week ago, maybe two. I should ask
Julian, but he has just been so distant lately.

I blow out a harsh breath, which creates a furrow on the
water surface. What is wrong? Julian has been polite and civil
towards me, but there has been a perceptible shift in his attitude
and demeanor. He still has his meals with me, and goes for walks and
occasionally swims with me, but he seems to be keeping a careful
distance from me. Even his conversation and jokes are stilted and
restrained. And he seems to retreat into his office much more,
holing himself in the room for hours at a time. It's like he is
putting a barrier between us, withdrawing from me and building a wall
around himself.

Frowning deeply, I try to count the days on my fingers.
Two weeks is almost up, and the stipulated three week contractual
period will be over very soon. Yet for the past week or so, he
hasn't asked me to do what I should be doing, what I am being paid to
do. Is there something wrong with the machine...or with me?

A niggling thought elbows its way to the forefront of my
mind. What if...what if he doesn't intend to pay me? Thirty
thousand dollars is a lot of money, and maybe Julian is having second
thoughts about parting with this sum of money. Is he trying to
renege on the contract? Will he turn around at the end of three
weeks and accuse me of not fulfilling my end of the deal?

My eyes narrow as a stab of cold anger and fear rises
from my gut. Men—I've had enough of cheating men. They ply
you with cheap gifts and honeyed lies and then rob you of everything.
No, that's not fair. They didn't rob me. I allowed them to take
everything from me—my love, my dignity, my savings. I have
been a fool. But I will be a fool no more.

I need the money, and I need it bad. I need it to pay
my rent, which has been in arrears for too long and my landlord's
patience is wearing thin. Dr. Julian James and I had a deal, a
contract. And I intend to perform my obligations as specified in the
contract, which is to test the sex machine for three weeks. I'll
have to make sure that Julian fulfills his end of the bargain as
well. I will give him no excuse not to pay me my due when the
contract period is up.

Out of the corner of my eye, I catch a movement but when
I look up, I only glimpse a shadow moving away from the sliding glass
door. I squint against the sunlight reflecting off the glass and
splash my way nearer to the house. The dark figure looks tall, much
too tall to be Mrs Kenny. Has Julian been watching me swim? Has he
been watching me all along? Why didn't he just come out and join me
in the pool, or at least talk to me?

Hurriedly, I drag myself out of the water and towel off.
I march up to my room and shower and dress quickly. This
artificial, awkward silence has gone on long enough. At dinner
tonight, I intend to ask Julian point blank what exactly is going on
and what he has in mind for me. Is he intending to cheat me of my
contract sum? Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I've been cheated too
many times. I have had enough of cheating men.

Mrs Kenny is just leaving when I come storming down the
stairs. I skid to a halt and my lips twitch to try to return her
smile. She pulls on her coat and says warmly, “There's roast
chicken and mash potatoes today. And a lovely, fresh salad. I think
you'll enjoy tonight's dinner.”

“
Oh, I...thank you very much, Mrs Kenny,” I
gush, highly embarrassed. “I...I should have helped. It must
have been a lot of work...”

“
No, no, it was no trouble at all.” She
waves a hand in the air, and glances towards the closed double doors
of Julian's office. “He should eat more. He seems troubled.
He seems to have a lot on his mind. There is a lot that he's been
neglecting recently,” she says, giving me a wistful, meaningful
smile. “Important things. I don't want to see him lose
something so precious again. He should love and cherish, and not
push away, something...someone that should be his...”

I swallow and look down. To avoid meeting Mrs Kenny's
incisive, inquiring gaze, I force my eyes to Julian's office door.

“
Talk to him, dear,” Mrs Kenny urges gently,
as if sensing my doubt. “He is just waiting to open up to you.
But he's afraid.”

Afraid? Why? What is he...?

Before I can turn to ask, Mrs Kenny has exited the house
and closed the front door softly behind her. I listen to her drive
her little car down the long driveway and out the gates. The tall
automatic gates clang shut, leaving me in the house alone with
Julian. I walk tentatively towards Julian's office. The smell of
food from the kitchen is inviting and homely but the silence in the
house is deafening.

What is he afraid of?

What am I afraid of?

Well, one of us has to be less afraid than the other.

Resolutely, I quicken my stride and march right up to
his office. I suck in a deep breath and rap smartly on the door.
“Julian.” I clear my throat. “Will you be joining
me for dinner?”

The door flies open immediately. “Sophia.”
His eyes drink me in deeply, as though he were a man dying of thirst.
He stands there, gripping the door, just looking at me, as if he is
afraid to believe that I am real and I am really standing before him.

“
I...I came to ask you to dinner.” My
attempt to sound cheery falls flat on its face.

“
Ah...yes. How can I refuse a pretty lady's
invitation to dinner?” Julian pulls the door close and his
hand reaches out to take mine. But at the last instant, he closes
his fingers lightly around my elbow.

“
How are you?” he asks softly.

“
I...I'm good. And you?”

“
I miss you.”

I gape at him.
You
do
? But you've
been so distant!

He sees the look on my face and opens his mouth. His
throat works furiously but fails to dislodge the words that seem
stuck at the back of his throat. Finally, he swallows and sighs,
“Dinner smells good. Let's not keep the food waiting. I'm
sure you're hungry after your swim.”

So he was watching me swim. I wonder how long he has
been watching me.

We sit opposite each other at the dining table and eat
in silence. The food is great, and I spoon more mashed potatoes and
salad onto my plate. I am indeed ravenous. I tuck in heartily and
am almost halfway through my third helping of roast chicken when my
eyes flick up at Julian. He is watching me with a smile on his face.

I straighten up immediately and carve a drumstick for
him. Putting it on his plate, I start to talk rapidly. “Mrs
Kenny says you should eat more. You know, keep your strength up, and
not let your troubles and your stress eat you up. What is eating you
anyway, Julian? You no longer want me for the sex machine; you coop
yourself up in your office most of the time; when you see me you're
just so civil and cordial; you haven't spoken to me about the work
that I've been contracted to do for the past week...why? Why,
Julian?” I demand. “Is it because of how my body
responded at the last session? The repeated orgasms were intense,
yes, but I won't break, you know. I don't break that easily, and I
think the spike in my blood pressure and breathing and everything was
natural. I mean, isn't that how the body would react during an
orgasm? You're the doctor, you tell me. What are you so troubled
about? What are you afraid of, Julian?”

Julian stares at me and slowly puts down his fork.
“You're right. In fact, you are right about a lot of things,”
he says at last. Breathing deeply, he continues, “I'm afraid
of hurting you, Sophia. I am afraid, but I know that you are afraid
too. Yet, you face your fears and try your best to be strong and
brave. I see that, Sophia. I can see that. You are smart and
brave, and sweet and vulnerable. I don't want to lose you, or hurt
you. I almost did. I can't afford to...” He swallows
painfully and doesn't say the words that are at the tip of his
tongue. Instead, he bites them down and drops his hands.

Julian looks away momentarily, his expression solemn.
When he speaks again, there is a slight quaver in his voice. “I
think you're probably curious as to why I am so concerned and
worried, and yet so amazed, at the results of that last session.
Your reaction at the last session was...just amazing. The intensity
of your orgasms does prove how much pleasure a woman is capable of
achieving when highly stimulated. It has helped my research
tremendously. But I am afraid that...if your heart rate climbed to
such levels again, it might be dangerous. I don't know how much more
your body can take. Yet...the next stage of the experiment
involves...” He takes a shuddering breath.

“
Yes?” I prompt. “What does it
involve?”

He looks straight at me. “Cunnilingus.”

My jaw drops.

“
Your physiological responses will be monitored as
cunnilingus is performed on you,” he explains in a strained
voice. “The stimulation, the sensation of being licked and
kissed and sucked...” His throat moves as he leans forward.
“...can be done either by the machine, or...a person...”

“
A person?” I jump on the words. “You
mean...you can...you can do this?” I ask, a sudden heat
spearing down my body.

He nods, his eyes burning into me.

The fluttering in my stomach spreads lower down my body
and I suddenly forget to breathe. The real reason, the unspoken
reason why Julian is afraid, suddenly pierces through my mind and
stabs deep into my gut. Julian is afraid, because after fighting so
hard and holding back for so long, he can finally touch me and taste
me at last. He wants me but he is afraid that I'd say no. He wants
to touch me, and he wants me to feel the exquisite pleasure he can
give me. He knows the crazy heights of passion he can drive me to.
That's why he is afraid my body will not be able to take it. He is
afraid that he is going to drive both of us out of our minds.

I have to swallow a couple of times before I can trust
my voice enough to speak. “Julian, I am here because I signed
the contract,” I say, struggling to keep my voice steady. “The
contract stipulates clearly what we each have to do. I am to help
you in your research, do whatever you require me to do, allow you to
monitor me with that machine, and you are to pay me the agreed sum at
the end of the contract period.”

Julian's gaze is steady and he nods firmly to
acknowledge the contractual terms. I study him in silence for a long
while. He doesn't flinch. His eyes don't shift and look away. His
hands and lips don't tremble and there is no perceptible change in
his breathing and demeanor. I continue searching his face for any
sign of doubt or deception. If he doesn't intend to pay me, he will
guess that I am on to him.

“
Yes. I intend to honor every term and condition
of the contract. I have undertaken to ensure your well-being and
safety, and I will. You will be paid in full at the end of three
weeks. You did test the machine very satisfactorily, so you have
already performed your end of the contract. There is nothing for you
to worry about. The contract is entirely valid. You can take me to
court if I refuse to pay you. I can't run. I don't intend to.
You're safe,” he addresses my unspoken concern simply and
succinctly.

I look down for a moment, slightly embarrassed that he
has read my mind. I wonder if he can read my body as well. I lace
and unlace my fingers to keep my hands from shaking. His words
reverberate through every nerve in my body. The next stage of the
experiment...involves him going down on me. Images of him holding
me, spreading me wide, licking and probing me with his mouth and his
tongue flash painfully through my mind. He will drive me wild with
desire; just the thought of him tasting me is already making me hot
and wet. I snap my eyes up to see him studying me quietly. My face
feels hot, and I wonder briefly if he can see the aching need that is
overtaking my body. I'm sure he can. He studies human sexuality,
and he can probably read me like a book. I might as well just spit
it out to save us both the agony.