Hush (15 page)

I could hear him in the kitchen as I stood with the spare room door opened slightly.  Cupboards and the fridge opened and closed.  Stuff banged on the countertop and scrapped across the gas stovetop.  I inhaled deeply, letting it go heavily.  Slowly I walked over to the stairs.

It had been two days since he first coaxed me out of the spare room and nearly forced me to eat.  I'd avoided him since, but I had some things I needed to get off my chest and I felt I was ready to go there.

I tiptoed over each step until I was on the first floor landing.  I turned and faced the kitchen.  His back was to me.  I moved with grace and purpose until I was standing a few feet away from him.  I waited a moment, unsure how to announce my presence.  He, instead, moved around to the other side of the island and noticed me standing there.

“Oh, God you scared me.  How long have you been standing there?” he asked.  He stopped what he was doing to address me.  It had been nearly two weeks since all of this started and this was the first time I’d approached him.  He wanted to make it count.

“Not very long,” I said firmly, shaking my head slightly.

“Are you hungry?  I’m making stir-fry.”

I shook my head.  “No.  I’m fine.”

“Okay,” he nodded.  “Well, there will be more than enough so if you’re hungry later, I’ll just leave the leftovers in the fridge for you.”  He went back to work cutting the peppers and tossing them into the sizzling wok.  The perfume of the ingredients danced around my head, churning my stomach.

“Maybe I will have a bowl,” I mumbled as I moved to the chair farthest from him at the counter.

He looked up at me with a smile.  “Great,” he said.  I hated that smile because I loved it so much.  It made me want to cry.

You’re angry with him.  You’re angry, but rational.  Don’t lose your head.  Don’t let him win.  You have demands, too.  You have to fight.

A few minutes later, Callem handed me a steaming bowl and a fork.  Without asking, he poured me a glass of wine and took the seat next to me with an identical meal.  I first reached for my glass, considering how helpful it may be, and downed half of the contents in one drink.  I noticed Callem watching me out of the corner of his eye.

Pushing around the snap peas and diced carrots in the bowl, I finally spoke.  “I’m ready to talk.”

Callem swallowed hard and looked over at me.  “Okay.  Good, I’m glad.  I’m ready to talk, too.”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think,” I started.  “I can see things so clearly now.  It all makes so much sense.  The things you did.  The way you said things or explained things to me.  You could easily dismiss something to make it seem like nothing when all along, it was, it was something.  It was always right in front of me, but I didn’t see it.  I feel so blind, so dumb.  I should have seen it.  I should have been smarter.  How long were you going to let it go on without telling me?”

“I was going to tell you,” Callem said, but I put my hand up to stop him.

“Don’t.  Don’t lie to me anymore.  Just, you know what, the cat’s out of the bag now.  Tell me the truth.  Honestly, when were you going to tell me?”

He sat quietly for a moment.  “I had gotten away with it for so long, I was starting to become complacent and honestly, I don’t know if I ever would have told you.”  My heart broke a little more, if that was even possible.  I had somehow known this would be the answer to my question, but I didn’t want it to be.  I wanted him to prove me wrong.  “I was terrified I’d lose you and couldn’t find a way to tell you about it without breaking us apart.”

“So instead you just force me into our current situation.  Congratulations, now you have the best of both worlds.”

“Liv,” he cooed, cocking his head to the side.

Just like you rehearsed; say it just like you planned.  “I don’t want to live like this,” I interrupted him.  “I don’t want to walk around this house hating you, hating everything in it, now that I know where it all came from.  I don’t want to waste away in a dark room alone.  I want more than this.”

I had Callem’s full attention.  “I want more for you, too,” he said.

“Good.  Because I’ve decided to go back to work.”  Callem didn’t react at all how I’d expected.  I assumed he’d immediately swat away the idea like an annoying gnat.  He, in contrast, sat stone faced, waiting for me to finish.  “I don’t want to live off of your money anymore so I’ve got to make my own.  I’m also going to be staying in the spare room from now on.  It’s my room now.  I’m not moving back into that room with you.  These are my stipulations for staying here; for staying with you.  The way I see it, I don’t have much say in my future, but where I can make a say, I’m going to.”

“You’re right,” Callem said calmly.  Now I was getting scared.  This was too easy.  He wasn’t pushing back.  He wasn’t getting angry.  He was agreeing with me and this was completely out of left field.  “You’re absolutely right.  You do have a say so and if you want to get a job, you can get a job, but you’re going to clear it with me first.”

“What do you mean?  You’re going to screen my job search?”

He nodded.  “I don’t want you working too far from home.  I don’t want you back at the practice either.  That was too demanding.  You need something easier.”

“I’m a doctor.  The term ‘easy’ is a contradiction to my profession.”

“I’m hoping you can find something that fits my criteria or you won’t be working.  Also, you’re not staying in the spare room any longer.  You’re coming back to our room.”

Here is the road block I was expecting.  I chuckled.  “What you’re telling me is even though I have a supposed say-so, it’s scripted?  Are you going to start telling me what to wear now, how to do my hair, what and when to eat?”

“Don’t start, Liv,” Callem sighed.

“What if I refuse?”

Callem looked down, shaking his head.  “Don’t refuse.  I’ve been tolerant.  I’ve waited patiently for you to come out of your cocoon and to get back on your feet.  I can see you’re driven to do exactly that, but you’re still going to do things my way.  I’ve got to protect you from doing anything stupid.”

“Anything stupid?  Stupid like turning you in to the police?  Believe me, I’ve wanted to do that ever since I opened up that treasure trove in your office.”  I felt the same power surging through me as the day I discovered him.  Looking down on all those papers and pictures and documents.  My hands shook then, my heart pounded then, my eyes filled with tears then.  They were all doing the same now.  “Something stupid, huh?  I’d love more than anything to do something stupid.”

With that, I flung the bowl of stir-fry across the kitchen with a swat of my hand.  The bowl hit the cupboard on the other side of the kitchen before crashing to the floor and shattering.  I stood from my seat in a flash, heading for the stairs.

Before I could scale them, Callem was behind me, wrapping me in a bear hug.  “Let go of me!  Let me go!” I screamed, fighting against his hold.

“I’m not hurting you.  I’m not hurting you,” he kept saying in my ear.  “I’m just restraining you.  Stop fighting.  I’m not hurting you.”  In the moment, I didn’t know if he was saying that to make himself feel better about what he was doing or if it was true.  I was so angry I couldn’t tell if he was hurting me or if I just so worked up.

My eyes were drowning in tears as my whole body tensed, trying to find an escape.  A deep fugitive growl bellowed from my throat as I used all my strength to try to flee.  He was too strong.  “Callem, let me go,” I said, sobbing now.  “Please, let me go.”

“Just calm down.  I’m not hurting you.  I’m not going to hurt you.  Calm down, Liv.  You’re fine.”

“I’m not fine.  I hate you!  I fucking hate you.  Let me go.”  I was blinded by my own tears as they flooded over.  His strong arms sunk in deeper, making it harder for me to breathe.

“I will let you go when you calm down.  I just need you to relax.  I’m not hurting you.  Take a deep breath.” His voice was mellow, low, and placid, almost hypnotic.  He knew exactly what he was doing.

I didn’t want him to win.  I didn’t want him to have that effect on me.  I didn’t want to listen to him.  Hell, I didn’t want to feel his grubby hands on me.  I just wanted to run.  Finally, I collapsed.  He bent slightly, finding new bearings to hold me up as I sobbed.  “Let me go,” I whined.  “Just let me go.”  I bent my forearm over his arm to my bowed head and wiped away some of the straggling tears from my cheeks.

Slowly, I could feel the pressure of his arms loosening.  When I didn’t fight him any longer, he let go of me completely, leaving me standing.  Before he could say anything to me, I spun around and slapped him, open handed across the face.  It felt so good.  It felt so good I nearly started laughing.

My laughter was snuffed out before it even started because Callem grabbed both of my arms and pushed me back up against the nearest wall.  My head knocked against the drywall as he held me in place.  “Now listen.  I was going to let your dramatic charades in the kitchen slide.  I didn’t hurt you.  I have no intentions of hurting you.  That doesn’t give you the right to hit me.  You provoked this.  I hope you got it out of your system because I can see how much you enjoyed that.  Don’t hit me again, do you understand me?  I’m not a fucking punching bag, regardless of what I’ve done.”

With that, he let go of me and stormed up the stairs.  I took a deep breath, wiping away the remaining tears and snot until he came back down the stairs.  “I can make this very easy on you, Liv,” he started towards me.  I instinctively backed up into the wall.  “This can be so easy if you let it.  If you want to make this hard, I can make this harder.  I can make this a fucking nightmare.  Things can be great.  I want them to be great.  You have the power to choose.  Don’t make me choose for you.”

He didn’t wait for a response.  He headed back to the kitchen.  I looked around the corner to find him sitting back at the counter, eating his dinner as if nothing had happened.  Silently, I climbed the stairs and headed for the spare room.  Putting my hand on the knob, I found it locked.  He locked me out.

Putting my back against the door, I slid down the length of it until I was sitting on the floor.  I looked down the hall into the open bedroom.  He was right.  Things would be easy if I just let them.  I’d have to play his game in order to get ahead in mine.  If he was going to play dirty, I would, too.

“What have you got going on this weekend?” I asked Red as we pulled out of the airport parking lot.  We’d just returned from a trip to Miami.  A large account for a movie production dropped in the Miami offices’ lap and we were needed there.

“Sleep, man.  I’ve got to get caught up while I can.  Maybe have my old lady come by for a few hours, you know, work out the kinks.”

“You still seeing that one chick, what’s her name?”

“Rosalita,” Red said, pronouncing each syllable with a Hispanic accent.  “She’s the tight little Mexican number.  Muy calienté.  She has been attacking my cell with calls all week.  She’s got a wicked hankering, man.  I’ve got to deliver.”

“Don’t look so beat up about it,” I said, commenting on the sly grin gracing his face.

“What about you?”

“Ah, Liv’s been working overtime all week.  I’m sure there’s still a ton of unpacking to do.  She’s probably just as exhausted as I am.”

“Oh yeah, you missed moving day, huh?  So how’s this going to go?  You and her, shacked up now.  You know what this means, right?  You’re about to take the plunge, my friend.”

“Someday, maybe.  We’ll see how this living arrangement works out for us and then revisit the idea.”

“Cal, this is a marriage I’m talking about, not a business transaction.   Sounds like you may be confusing the two by way you’re talking about it.”

“I am not confused about a damn thing, especially not Olivia.  I know she’s it, man.  I know I’m going to marry her.  I just want to make sure we’re ready before that happens.”

Red nodded.  “Yeah, I get it.  Prepare your relationship for the hardships that come along with marriage.  That’s a good idea.  Good thinking.  But, uh, does this preparation process include laying out your dirty laundry, because I assume you haven’t even thought about washing it yet.”

I bit down, clenching my jaw.  “My dirty laundry is going to stay in the closet for now,” I responded.

There was a pause in the conversation.  “You’re not going to wait until after you two get hitched, are you?  Because I can already tell you what she’ll say.  She’ll blame you for tricking her into something, for not being honest, for establishing your marriage on false pretenses, all that shit.”

“Yeah, I get it, Red.  I just have to be sure she’s on the same page before I say anything.  I have to make sure she’s not going to leave me.  I have to make sure she’s in love with me.”

There was another long pause.  I heard Red sigh heavily.  “Ugh, I don’t know, man.  That sounds an awful lot like you’re setting her up.  Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

“We’re too far gone to go back now.  I don’t have much of a choice.  What if I go home and tell her tonight?  She takes her shit and leaves.  Hell, it’s probably still all boxed up back at the new place.  Then, she’s a liability.”  I shook my head.  “I can’t have that either.  That’s an unintentional death sentence.  I just need to wait it out for the right time.”

Red didn’t rebut, thanks to his phone ringing with a booty call.  I dropped him off at his car and hurried home.  I could hardly believe it really happened.  Five months ago, it was just an idea and now here we were, living together in our very own, brand new house.

“Why do we need a new place,” Olivia had asked when we finally decided to move in together.

“New journey, new abode to go with it,” I told her.  We’d found a spectacular Tuscan-inspired townhouse that was so perfect for us.  It was closer to both our offices, closer to the coast, and had so much potential.  We upgraded cars, got a joint cell phone account, and we were well on our way to starting a future together. 

Having only been to the house a handful of times, I nearly drove right by the drive.  Olivia’s new Beemer was in the garage when I pulled up next to it.  I practically skipped inside.  “Honey, I’m home,” I called out the cliché to the spacious home as I stepped in.  There were cardboard boxes with black chicken-scratch scribbling on the sides scattered in every direction.   “Olivia?  Where are you?”

I moved into the living room and found Olivia sitting on the couch with her back to me.  My footsteps echoed as they slapped the tiled floors.  I walked around to the front of the couch to see Olivia curled up in a ball, a closed hand covering her mouth, eyes wide and distant, staring at a blank wall.

“Liv, are you okay?” I asked, sitting down beside her.  I put my hand on her shoulder and she barely moved.  “Baby, what’s going on? You’re freaking me out.”

She moved her hand away from her mouth and licked her dry lips.  “I lost Ana today,” she mumbled quietly though it delivered a blow, even to me and I didn’t know the girl near as well as Liv did.  I just knew who she was to Olivia and understood the weight of this.

“Oh, Liv.  Baby, I’m, oh God.  I’m so sorry.”  I nudged up next to her, wrapping my arm over her shoulder as I watched a few tears trickle down her cheeks.

“That makes three.  I’ve lost three patients just this year, Cal.” Her words were weak.  “I’m a professional.  I know there are going to be deaths in my line of work.  It’s inevitable.  But not Ana.” Her voice broke and she cupped her mouth with her palm.  Her brow furrowed, breaking my heart for her.  “I was so optimistic for her.  She was one of my oldest patients.  I put her in remission twice.  Twice.  I couldn’t do anything for her.  I couldn’t, I couldn’t,”

“Shhh hush, baby.  This isn’t your fault.” I pulled her head into my shoulder.  “You worked so hard for her.  You know you did.  I know you did.  Don’t do this to yourself.”

“She had a fever.  That’s all.  Her parents brought her in two days ago with a fever, and this morning, she had a seizure and her heart stopped.  It just stopped.  I was with her.  I was right next to her.  I had been talking to her, she was just smiling and then she was gone, just like that.  I had to tell her parents.  They had just run Ana’s brother to his grandparent’s house.  They were only gone for an hour.  When they left, their daughter was fine; she was with them.  When they came back, I had to tell them.  I had to face them and tell them she was gone.”  Olivia’s entire body looked to be crumbling, not just her emotional state.  She was wilting into a tiny ball of tears and sobs.

I felt so helpless as I sat and listened to her.  I knew what she was doing may not have sounded good, but I wanted her to let it all out.  She’d been under so much stress the past couple of months, this must have sent her over the edge.  She met her breaking point.  She needed to release.  I wasn’t going to stop her.  I would just be here for her.

“Oh God, I got too close. I got so close.  She was such a great girl.  So strong.  So brave.  She was just a baby, Cal.  She didn’t know anything about the world and about life.  She was robbed of the best years of her life.  You should have seen her mother’s face.  I broke their hearts.  I have given them so much bad news and so much good news since I’d been with them, I never imagined I’d have to tell them this.  I had such hopes for her.  I can’t believe how much this hurts.  I can’t believe how weak I am.  I’m not cut out for this.”

“Hang on, slow down.  You can’t blame yourself.  You just have a big heart.  That’s not something you can control.”

“I shouldn’t have gotten so close.  I shouldn’t have gotten so attached.  I wouldn’t feel like this if I had distanced myself.”

“Being close to that girl was probably one of the best things you could have done for her.  Why do you think she loved you so much?  You didn’t treat her like a patient.  You treated her like family; like a little sister.  She loved you for that.  She probably appreciated it more than she ever told you.  You made her time in that hospital that much better and you should never regret that.”

“I can’t do this, Cal,” she mumbled, wiping her cheeks clear.  “I thought I was prepared for this, but I’m not.  Tomorrow, I’m going to go back to work, go back to my insane patient workload, and I’m going to watch more and more children die because I don’t have the proper amount of time to dedicate to them.  I am stretched so thin, I may not be doing the best for them.”

There was a silence as she composed herself.  “Why don’t you step down?” I offered as easily and humbly as I could manage.

“What?” she snapped.

“Look at what’s happened to you.  You’ve been put through the ringer the past couple of months and tomorrow morning, you’re going to put yourself through that ringer again.  Liv, that’s just not right.”

“It’s my job.  It’s what I spent the last sixteen-plus years of my life preparing for, and you just want me to walk away from it?” her voice was harsh and defensive now.  “If I’m not practicing, what other purpose do I serve?  What else am I if I’m not a doctor?  I don’t know anything else.”

“My point exactly.  You’re so young and you’ve done nothing but dedicate yourself to something that’s slowly killing you, whether you see it that way or not.  You haven’t even lived.  You haven’t even spoiled yourself.  I’m not trying to be cruel or insult your life’s work.  I’m not trying to make you do anything you don’t want to do.  I’m only trying to present you with a solution to this problem.”

“By running?  You want me to run away from my problems at work?” Olivia blurted.

I took in a breath.  “No, not exactly.  Liv, you and I, we have something starting here.  Why not take advantage of it while you can?  There’s plenty of time for you to practice.  Take some time for yourself now, let yourself heal, just be young and in love, and later down the line, if you’re ready to go back, do it.  Don’t think you’re a prisoner to your own profession if you don’t want to be.  You have the world at your feet, Olivia.  You just have to decide which direction to step from here.”

She didn’t say anything, but by the way her brow was twisted, I could see she was thinking about it, if not considering what I’d said to hold a lot of water.  She shook her head quickly.  “I’m going to take a shower.  Could you order us some food?  I’m starved.”

“Yeah, baby, take your time.”  I rubbed her back before she pushed herself off the couch and headed up the stairs.

Secretly, I’d been wanting so badly to get her away from that office.  Selfishly, I’d wanted her all to myself, away from that cage she called work.  There was so much more we could do if it hadn’t been for her demanding schedule that was slowly edging its way between us.  There would be no more interruptions in the middle of sex, or dinner, or a night out.  It could just be the two of us and I was hoping more than anything she was seriously considering leaving.  If not, I’ve got my foot in the door already.  I’d ease my way in and make the idea sound so much more appealing.

Lord knows, we don’t depend on her income to get by.  My income alone is enough to keep us more than satisfied in our current lifestyle and the way we’re expanding, we were set.  And I wasn’t lying.  If she wanted to go back later, I’d be more than happy to see her return.  But for now, I wanted to keep her greedily close.

Confident I’d sparked a fire, I picked up my cell phone and ordered us a meal.