Hybrid (19 page)

His voice is calming, soothing, and stops the chain reaction of fear. “So no immediate danger to others, just myself?”

Mathur chuckles. “Do not sound so happy. It can be a bad thing, Sai. We need to look into this phenomenon you explained to us. Exactly how did you reach down and recreate that pool of power?”

Sai shrugs sort of helplessly. “I just remembered it being there when I was in the exam room, when I needed to pass because I didn’t want to die. And then, this time, when I didn’t want anyone else to die. I reached and found it, but I have no idea how to get back there. Maybe I was kind of a conduit for it?” She looks at her hands and closes her eyes, trying to summon the feeling again. Sweat breaks out on her brow and a chill passes down her spine, but she bites her lip hard to focus her concentration and digs deep. She’s not sure of how much time has passed when she sees it flitting about, swirling in a pool of white. It slips away from her just as she reaches for it—like a wriggling, sinuous eel with a mouth that bites hard and a mind of its own.

“Did you see?” she pants, gasping for breath as she opens her eyes.

Mathur gapes at her, sort of like a goldfish. “Saw? You lit up just for a moment. Is that when you access it?”

“I guess...” She lit up? What did he mean she lit up? “I think I need to be more motivated. I’m not even sure I can fully grasp it again.”

“But you will try, yes?” His eyes sparkle in a way that rejuvenates his whole appearance, as if he’s ten years younger.

“Hell yes, I’ll try.” She can’t help feeling resolute, feverish almost. It is there, and since she’s used it a couple of times now, it wasn’t a fluke.

Except that she still has no idea how to really start or go about it.

“Damn it.” Sai stamps her foot and puts her hands on her hips, glaring at the wall of her room. No matter how hard she tries to reach that place again, she touches it for a second, only for it to slip back through her fingers immediately afterward. It doesn’t help that all these thoughts are cramming into her head despite her best efforts to shield them out.

Every time she finds it, there’s a shadow that starts to infiltrate her mental vision, and she pulls back. It could be her memories...or her past. If Jeffries’ rant about her not resting enough is right, it could even be her synapses burning out.

The point is, she has no idea. She throws herself back onto the mat and stares at the ceiling. “Why me?” she asks it, pretty sure it’s not going to answer back.

“Because you’re the only person insane enough to try this stuff.”

Sai blinks at the ceiling before realizing that the voice is Dom’s as he strides across the room to her. She watches him approach before sitting up on the mat.

“I’m not insane.” At least she hopes she isn’t. Maybe that’s why she hears voices. Maybe that’s where the shadows come from. Shadows of her former self... She shakes her head and tries to glare at him. “And what do you want?”

He regards her for a few seconds, and his shoulders sag slightly. “Look, I just spent days heading to see Bastian to try and get you some sort of direction and guidance to hopefully help you figure out what the hell it is you did. If you’d prefer me not to help you, just say the word. I’m sure there are ten thousand other things I could be better spending my time on.”

Sai takes a moment, unused to Dom being short-tempered with her. She was constantly irritated with him these days. Maybe she shouldn’t be surprised at his mood, and a wave of uncomfortable guilt follows the thought. “You’re probably right. I got myself into this mess. I should be able to get myself out of it. But I would still appreciate any advice Bastian had to give.”

Dom nods. “You need to center yourself and focus. Relax your mind and let it quiet. Bastian said to go over all the exercises he had you learn until you understand them at a basic level.” He watches her and waits until she nods. “And once you do that, you need to reach in and find out what exactly it is you triggered. Whatever this pool of power is, you should be able to tap into if you manage a relaxed meditative state.”

Sai frowns. “I’ve already tried to tap into it.”

“Have you? Or have you been trying to wrestle control of it?”

She feels the blush creep over her cheeks. “Well, I’ve been trying to grab it and not let it go. I’m not entirely sure why. It’s just...that’s how I did it when we were fighting.”

“But you’re not fighting now. There are no immediate signs of danger, no people depending on you to save them. That sense of life or death is gone. You don’t have the leverage you had while you feared for not only your life, but others’ lives.” He pauses and looks directly at her. “Not everything can be accomplished through brute force. Sometimes you just need control and finesse. And you might surprise yourself.”

Sai raises an eyebrow. “You’re being condescending,” she mutters and doesn’t add that he’s also right.

She sits down on the mat, ignoring Dom as he walks off to the side of the room to observe her. Closing her eyes, she seeks out her center and the shields Bastian helped her construct what feels like ages ago. Once she really focuses, she can see light cracks all the way up her wall, portions of it standing slightly ajar like a portal into another part of her abilities. She smiles and reaches for them, rebuilding them solidly and deliberately into something she can control at will. One for thoughts, one for distanced scouting, and one to strengthen the shields and block as much of it out as she can. Yet, there are no shadows, nothing leaking, nothing to be detected. She wonders, briefly, that maybe the flickering is inside her, but dismisses it in favor of the rest of the work she has to do.

She opens her eyes, tired, to see Dom holding some water out for her. Gulping it down gratefully, she smiles. “Thanks. Not done yet, though.”

As she dives back in, the silence in her head is sweet, less distracting and stressful. The voices are still there, but more like a background hum she can amplify with the use of one of her doors—almost like the adrium when she’s pushing her legs. Without those distractions, it’s far easier to find the pool from which her power emanates. It spreads throughout her whole body, tiny tendrils digging deep, even into the adrium connections so black in their psychic attachment. The pool has an eel-like thing leading into it, but as she looks closer, it’s more like a chain to plug in a drain.

Such a strange thing to be in her subconscious.

Every time she tries to grasp it and pull, it slips away like water through her fingertips. It’s frustrating to lose control like that. After several failed attempts, she stops and takes in a deep breath, calming herself. Another breath and she focuses on only one thing. Now she knows its basic location, it’s much easier to find, especially without the distractions, even if that darkness still hangs on the edges of her vision.

She locates it and holds it in place, getting used to the surroundings and its exact location for a good few minutes before realizing her strength is failing her and she’s about to pass out. She still thinks there’s something more—her gut tells her she needs to tug at it—but her energy is gone. The dizziness passes but the tiredness does not, and she opens her eyes for a brief moment, cringing at the brightness of the room.

Everything is so white on the Mobile, so sterile. It hurts her eyes after having them closed for so long.

“You glowed,” Dom says, a hint of pride showing through in his voice. “You glowed for about four full minutes, Sai.”

She nods and then wishes she hadn’t. One of these days she swears she’ll find enough energy to stop feeling like she’s always running out of it. But she has the beginning down, she thinks. After all, it’s not something she’s done consciously before. Theory is great, but if she can execute it again, it could mean a whole lot of extra power to fight the Damascus with.

“I need more control, and then I need stamina.” She reaches up and wipes the sweat from her forehead. Turning her focus inward again, she pushes Dom’s presence to the back of her mind and begins again.

Sai rolls over in bed and stretches for a second before stopping abruptly. The room is hers, but she has no recollection of how she ended up back in it, nor of what day it is. Her last clear recollection is the touch of Dom’s hand against hers, the reassurance that—despite everything going on around them—their friendship, while bruised, remains. Any constant in their current situation is a blessing in disguise.

Since he was the last person to see her, he must have brought her to the room. She pushes herself out of bed, frowning slightly as she realizes she’s still clothed, and stumbles awkwardly toward the steam shower. But her tracks are halted as soon as she opens her bedroom door.

Lying on the couch in the small living room, his feet dangling off the end, is Dom, flipping through a reader. He doesn’t even look at her when he speaks.

“Mathur wants to see you.”

“Were you here all night?” Sai blurts the words out before she can stop them, not entirely sure why the concept makes her blush. He’s a domino—like there’s an improper thought in his brain.

He rests the reader on his chest and raises an eyebrow as he looks at her. “Actually, I was. I’ve never been assigned quarters here, and Aishke assured me the couch was a viable option.” He pauses for a moment, still intently watching her. “I have, however, already been up and about. We’re approaching noon. If you’d not woken, I would have come to get you shortly.”

Sai scowls, suddenly irritable. “You don’t need to stay and babysit me. I’ll get a shower and go to Mathur immediately.”

As soon as the steam surrounds her, she regrets the words. But what’s said is said. Maybe when she’s in a better mood she’ll apologize, but for now Sai just lets the steam wash over her and ease her aching bones for the entire three minutes she’s allotted.

When she emerges from the shower cubicle, the apartment is empty. It’d be easy to dwell, but futile, so she shrugs her jacket on and heads toward Mathur’s laboratory.

Residents of Alpha push past her without really seeing her, intent on whatever is their goal. The Mobile seems busier today, the air is thick with tension and unease. Sai hugs herself and moves onward, ignoring the fact that the short distance somehow feels like hours.

That familiar white-haired head bends over a domino. She can hear him muttering to himself as he tinkers with strands of what appear to be like loose and velvety adrium.

Sai waits until he steps back, not wanting to be the reason he does something wrong, before knocking lightly on the door and clearing her throat. “I’m here...”

Mathur glances up, a brief shock registering in his expression, followed closely by recognition. His smile is gentle and appears much like Sai’s always imagined a father might. “Sai.” He beckons her inside. “Come in, come in.”

His constant ability to put her at ease is endearing, and she perches herself on a chair near the bench he’s working on. “Dom mentioned you wanted to see me?” She glances down at the figure on the table and frowns. It looks so similar to her Dom and yet so vastly different. The radiance of adrium is barely held in check, and the facial structure, while it resembles a person, lacks the humanity that makes Dom who he is.

“Dom said you have been working on harnessing the power you managed to use against the Damascus.”

“I’m getting there. It’s not easy and it’s so tiring. I must have blacked out last night. I don’t even remember ending up back at my apartment. I believe I now understand how to find the ability and how to hold onto it. But considering last time resulted in my being unconscious for several hours afterward, I’m hesitant to try and use it.”

“Why practice at all if you cannot use such a gift?” Mathur’s words are soft, but there is a steely resolve behind them.

She knows as well as anyone that if multiple psionics could master this and use it as a weapon, then they might actually stand a decent chance of surviving the Damascus. So she thinks hard for a few moments, desperately digging for an answer or two. Why do anything with it if she can’t, well...do anything with it?

“I believe I can use it, but I can’t really practice it?” Her statement comes out as a question, and she sighs, hoping he understands.