I Am Forever (What Kills Me) (10 page)

“Do you know where Lucas is?” I asked Brogan as she and two other maids I’d never seen before led me back to my room.

She shook her head.

Did he hear anything we said in that room? Did he just leave? Would they have taken him? I hope he’s all right.

Uther and Pavone were waiting for me and bowed on my arrival. I reflexively bowed back. The maids exchanged puzzled looks.

“Oh my lady, you bow to no one,” Pavone said. She was wearing an asymmetrical aubergine pantsuit with one long sleeve on the left side. The other side was strapless, exposing a shoulder as pale and smooth as an eggshell.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “It just feels weird not to do anything back.”

“You may acknowledge with a slight, proud nod,” she said, raising her eyebrows.

Someone had replaced the furniture in my room and added fresh bouquets of lilies to every table. The fragrance was suffocating, but at least it masked the sour smell of the blood still in my hair.

“How was your session with Doctor Femi?” Uther asked.

“Fine. Do you know where Lucas is?”

“No, my lady. He wasn’t waiting for you after your appointment?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry, my lady. I don’t know. But I’m sure he is all right. He is not a prisoner here. He is free to move around the palace and the Acropolis at his own will.”

“So you guys didn’t take him away or anything?”

“Of course not, my lady.”

“Well, could you ask if anyone has seen him? I’m a little worried.”

“I will see to it immediately.”

“My lady, we need to start preparing for the ceremony,” Pavone said.

“When is the ceremony?”

“In twelve hours.”

“We need to start preparing now?”

“Do you need to rest?” Uther asked.

“No, I’m not tired,” I said, afraid of my nightmares.

Pavone eyed me. “Then, please, we have a lot to do.”

Brogan waited at the door with an armful of white towels, folded and tiered like a wedding cake.

“It’s time to bathe again, isn’t it?” I said.

“Yes, my lady,” Pavone said.

“Honestly, I would really prefer to shower myself, if that’s okay.”

Pavone furrowed her brows. “But wouldn’t my lady be more comfortable if—”

“I’d be more comfortable if I had some privacy, please.”

“As you wish,” she said with a bow.

I gave Pavone an obvious nod and a wink, and her laugh was rich and throaty.

“Brogan?” I asked, following her out of my room.

She slowed her pace and glanced over her shoulder through her red hair.

“Could you please come tell me once Uther finds Lucas?”

She curtsied her consent.

Uther seemed genuinely surprised that Lucas wasn’t with me. But would he even know if Lucas had been snatched away? Then again, Lucas would never go without a fight. I would’ve heard heads rolling if they had tried anything. But then where would he go? Why would he just leave? Did he see something in the Acropolis, or someone that he knew? Or is he just tired of waiting around for me all of the time?

As Brogan pushed open the doors, I could already smell the hot milk in the bath and the burning candles. She set the towels down on a chair in the corner and backed out of the room.

“Thank you,” I said as she pulled the doors closed.

I peeled off the dress over my head, yanked my arms free from the sleeves, and kicked my heels off. I slid into the steaming tub and sank under the milk.

For a moment, all sound was muffled. It was just darkness, warmth, and quiet. But I couldn’t think straight. My mind was a mess.

The thought that Lucas might abandon me was depressing. Loneliness set in.

I bobbed to the surface, careful not to swallow any of the liquid, remembering the gut-wrenching stomach ache that twisted my innards when I once tried to eat human food as a vampire. I wiped my face and rubbed the skin on my arms. It was as flawless as the milk and silken to the touch.

After I’d become a vampire, Uther had said,
“You’re beautiful and you’re powerful. You will never age or die. You will exist now, as perfect as you are, for all eternity.”

I couldn’t imagine living forever.
How would I live it? Here? Without my family? I missed them so much. I needed their comfort.

My eyes burned and two bloody tears dropped off my cheeks. The white bath swallowed them.

What I wouldn’t give to hear my dad’s voice. To have my mom hug me or my sister tease me. What I wouldn’t give to be able to tell my best friend Ryka about Lucas.

Uther had said that I could not return to them; today’s humans didn’t know about vampires. And then I was on the run with Lucas.

But maybe I could see them again.

I wrapped my hands around my body, grabbed my shoulders, and buried my face in the inside of my elbows. I squeezed myself and tried to fill my loneliness with memories.

My dad on the couch in the living room, his lips moving as he reads the newspaper. My mom beside him, scrolling through recipes on her tablet. My sister sprawled on the carpet with her books, her fingers twirling a pen like it’s a mini baton.
This is how I wanted to remember them.

In my mind I called their names from the kitchen. But no one heard me. So I wept.

The Empress wants me to be a symbol of strength. And I’m crying into my milk.

Brogan opened the doors, letting in a cool draft and releasing the mist from the room. She pushed the doors shut with her back and waited. I looked at her, my chest laden with sorrow.

“I’m missing my family,” I whispered. “My dad, my mom, my sister. They’re probably so worried about me. It just kills me to think that they’re suffering. It kills me that they’re so far away and I can’t see them. Do you know what that’s like?”

She clasped her tiny hands over her heart and held my gaze.

“I’d give anything to know that they’re okay,” I said. “I just want to know how they’re doing.”

Brogan’s bold hair color did not match her small features—her slightly upturned nose, her downturned, sad-looking eyes. She appeared to be about eighteen. But I wondered how long she’d been a vampire. I wondered if she was an introvert as a human, or if the years as a maid had caused her to retire into herself.

I cleared my throat. “Did they find Lucas?”

She shook her head.

“Where the heck did he go?” I said mostly to myself, splashing my face to remove the blood from my cheeks.

Brogan opened a towel and when I went to her, she put her arms around me and enveloped me in the fuzzy fibers. “Thank you, Brogan.”

She blinked twice, unmoving; she always seemed taken aback to hear her own name. “You’ve been very kind to me,” I told her. Her lips parted and I waited for her to speak.

But the rustle of clothing in the other room interrupted us; we could hear Pavone ordering the maids around in another language.

“Ahh!” Pavone exclaimed when I emerged into the round, softly lit room. She pressed her hands together as if in prayer and grinned. “Are you ready to look more amazing than you’ve ever looked before?”

“You’ve got quite the challenge ahead of you, Pavone.”

She sniffed. “Nonsense. You are a masterpiece. I am but providing a frame.”

She pointed with her two hands, as if directing air traffic, at a tall stool in the center of the room. One maid helped me into a white terrycloth robe. After I sat down, she draped a black cape around me.

Another maid had wheeled in a four-foot-tall rectangular case. With the snap of several latches, she unfolded the case to reveal dozens of drawers, filled with stacks of colored pots and rows of lipsticks.

Pavone leaned into me and picked a strand of hair that had become trapped in my eyelashes. She moved it aside, as slowly and carefully as if she was turning a thin, delicate page, and then pursed her lips at me.

“I’ve never seen anything so beautiful,” she murmured. Without looking away she put her hand out. “The ten please.”

A maid approached wearing a smock covered with pockets; each pocket was filled with brushes and she plucked one from her chest. As Pavone chose a container from the trove of makeup, I heard Uther’s shuffling footsteps down the hall.

“Did you find Lucas?” I asked before he was even inside the room.

“No, my lady. I’m sorry. But one of the maids saw him walk out of the office. I have several maids on the search. They will bring him here once they locate him.”

I slumped and crossed my arms. Anger penetrated my anxiety.
What the heck? How could he just walk out without telling me? He must have known that I would worry.

“We will find him, my lady,” Uther said. “I’m sure he will not want to miss your ceremony.”

I don’t know about that. I’m sure he thinks this whole thing is ridiculous.

“What am I going to do?” I tried not to move as Pavone painted my face.

“Oh, my lady, I will be with you at all times,” Uther answered. “The ceremony is very formal and carefully planned. You will enter the room and take a seat at the altar, where you will remain for the entire ceremony. The Empress will make a declaration, consecrating you as the Divine. The clerics will read some sacred text, and then we will all swear our allegiance to you.”

“I don’t have to make a speech, do I?”

“No, my lady.”

“Good.”

“The importance of this ceremony cannot be overstated. You don’t realize how momentous your coming is. The Monarchy has been losing its way. It has been wounded by war, and some have had their beliefs diluted by time and strife. But you, my lady, offer something as vital as blood.”

He drew near and I glimpsed blood welling up in his eyes before he blinked it back. “You offer us hope.”

Hope.

“You’ve rekindled our belief in survival, in the sanctity of our scriptures, and our way of life,” Uther said. “Thank you, my lady.”

I smiled. “Thanks for being here for me, Uther.”

“You are here for all of us. It is the empire that is flush with gratitude.”

“That’s a lot of responsibility. I don’t know if I’m cut out for that.”

“You were born for it,” he said, with a deep nod.

“Look up, my lady,” Pavone said before dragging a brush under my eyes. “I hear that everyone who is of stature with the Monarchy will be there tonight.”

“I invited a new friend,” I told her.

“Oh yes,” Uther said. “The war page will be there.”

“War page?” Pavone arched an eyebrow.

“I’ve found that friends who can fight come in handy,” I told her.

“Well, I fight against poor fashion,” she said.

“You’re a great friend to have too.”

She paused in the middle of coloring my eyebrow and opened her mouth, the left corner of her lips tucked up. “My lady. It is truly my honor.”

“Uther, do you think San will be able to visit me after the ceremony?” I asked.

He hesitated. “Would you like him to?”

“Sure. Why not?” I felt guilty that I had gotten him in trouble.

“Whatever you wish.”

I looked at him with one eye open while Pavone dabbed her brush against the other eyelid. “Seriously. Why not? And why did the jerk with the whip try to keep him away from me?”

Uther folded his hands at his waist. I had come to recognize that posture as his diplomatic stance.

“The Monarchy has certain rules,” he said.

“Rules against friends?”

“Rules against consorting with individuals who are not of your stature.”

“Stature? What constitutes consorting?”

“Vampires cannot touch other vampires who are of higher stature, for example.”

“So a handshake was against the rules?”

“Yes.”

“That’s silly.”

Uther remained tight-lipped. I remembered Nuwa explaining the class structure to me, but so much had happened since then I couldn’t recall the details.

“Who is considered low stature?” I asked.

“Vampires who are direct descendants of the Ancients are of the highest class. They are called Annu. Their creations, second generation vampires, are generally clerics, senators, and other high-ranking patricians. They are called Ilutu. Finally, the Ikkaru are born from the blood of the Ilutu. They are third generation vampires: soldiers, maids, pages, and their ilk.”

“Then soldiers and pages are on the same level?”

“No. Within every generation, there is a hierarchy.”

“Who is at the bottom?”

“Maids and pages.”

“And the Empress, of course, is at the top.”

“No, my lady,” he said. “You are.”

Right.

“So, I’m untouchable,” I said, rolling my eyes. “This is like seventh grade all over again. Except back then it was my braces that made me off-limits to boys.”

“The Monarchy makes exceptions. They will make exceptions for you, my lady. For example, the Monarchy accepts your relationship with the swordsmith.”

The reference to Lucas and me was like a startling jab in my rib cage. It hadn’t occurred to me that our relationship was of anyone’s concern.
He’s of lower stature. The Empress probably disapproves. But she made exceptions. She allowed Nuwa to be with the general. And then he dumped her for the Monarchy.