I am Rebecca (13 page)

ALL WEEK, MOTHER
, Rachel, Magdalene and I worked to make Rachel’s house ready. We hung the curtains we’d made, cleaned every room and every cupboard. It wasn’t a new house, but Saul had made it beautiful for her by painting the kitchen a cheerful creamy colour. The other rooms were also freshly painted. He was proud of his handiwork. ‘Not bad skills for a builder, eh!’

He and his family worked on the garden, helped by Zillah. They were very patient with her — she made them laugh. We ate lunch together at the new dining table and I concentrated on being happy to see my sister’s joy.

Late on the evening before her wedding she climbed up onto my bed. ‘I want you to promise me something.’

‘Of course. If I can.’

‘You must promise me you won’t marry Ira.’

‘I’ve thought about that — of course I have. But Rachel, if I refused I’d have to live the rest of my life with our parents. I’d never have children of my own.’

‘Wouldn’t that be better than marrying a man you dislike? A man you can’t respect? Remember how he spoke to us that day? The name he called us? Do you want to live with that for the rest of your life?’

‘No, of course I don’t.’ How could she even think it?

‘And about kids — they could all turn out like him. Had you thought about that?’

I had to laugh. ‘All right! I get the message. You’re allowed to shoot me if I even think about having him for a husband.’

She lay down beside me and we fell asleep in the same bed for the last time.

THE NEXT MORNING
I was calm. ‘This is your wedding day, Rachel. Please think of Saul, not me.’

She kissed me, and neither of us mentioned the promises of the night before. Mother and I helped her dress. Magdalene fingered the petticoat. ‘It is so pretty.’

Nobody would catch even a glimpse of it. Mother gave her the white slip-on shoes she’d worn for her own wedding. I gave her the handkerchief I’d embroidered with R and S intertwined.

Last of all, Mother pinned the veil on her hair. ‘There! You are ready. Rebecca, take her into the
lounge. You may sit with her until it is time to leave.’

She hurried away, taking Magdalene with her. I curtsied to my sister, holding out my arm to escort her. She took a step. ‘Ouch! My feet must be at least a whole size bigger than Mother’s!’

‘Do you want me to tell her? But what could you wear instead?’ We only had our heavy black lace-ups — not exactly a match for a wedding dress.

Rachel smiled. ‘No. She was so happy to think I would be wearing them. She’s been saving them for such a long time.’

I wondered which of us she’d have given them to if I’d been getting married today as well. We could have had one each. Stupid thoughts.

Those precious minutes with my sister in the lounge were the last we’d have when we were truly the same, alike in experience as well as looks. We didn’t try to talk. Rachel was excited and her dreams were in her eyes. I was relieved to be silent. I didn’t want to distress her with tears.

When it was time to go, Abraham and Luke each took one of Rachel’s hands to escort her to the car. She walked without limping. Magdalene carried the bouquet of flowers. I should have done it for my sister now I wasn’t getting married, but Magdalene had so looked forward to her role that neither of us could bear to take it from her. Father smiled at Rachel, opened the car door and helped her in. Today, she sat in the front with him so as not to crease her dress.

Zillah said, ‘I want flowers too.’

‘You can have flowers when you get married. That’s a promise,’ Abraham said.

Father didn’t correct him for shortening his words, and Zillah seemed satisfied. I told myself it was a good beginning to the day and a sign I’d get through it without disgracing my family if I focused on the small, happy things.

Father timed our drive to the temple so that we would arrive at exactly the right time for him to lead Rachel in for the wedding service. Mother and the rest of us slipped inside with the families of the other girls to be married. There were four of them in their long white dresses. Four, not five.

Think of Rachel. Don’t cry. Don’t give the people reason to pity you.

One after the other, each couple spoke their vows.

Laban and Tirzah were first, as befitted the son of our leader. Elder Stephen conducted the service. ‘Laban Righteous, who is the woman you take for your wife?’

‘I take Tirzah Loyal to be my wife.’ Laban turned to face her. ‘I promise to take care of you. I promise to raise our children to love the Lord and obey the Rule.’

Elder Stephen spoke to Tirzah. ‘Tirzah Loyal, do you promise to be an obedient wife to Laban Righteous? Do you promise to raise your children to love the Lord and obey the Rule?’

Tirzah bowed her head. ‘I give you my promise.’

Laban took her hand to slide the wedding ring onto her finger. ‘I give you this ring as the symbol of my promise to you and to the Lord.’

She responded, ‘I wear this ring as the symbol of my promise to you and to the Lord.’

Elder Stephen held up his arms to bless them. ‘The Lord smiles on this union. Brother Laban, Sister Tirzah, you are now man and wife from this day on until the end of time. Praise the Lord. Brother Laban, you may kiss your wife.’

Tirzah lifted her head towards her husband. For a moment, he looked into her eyes to smile at her before he kissed her. It was a gentle kiss but she seemed as happy to receive it as he was to give it. This was so different from Kezia’s wedding.

I must not think about her, especially not on this day of celebration.

Rachel and Saul were the final couple to be married. There was joy in their voices as they spoke their vows. The length of their kiss was only just seemly. People smiled. Mother wiped tears from her eyes.

Elder Stephen gave the signal for the couples to move around the circle to receive the good wishes of us all. To the others, I spoke the customary words, ‘I promise to pray for you and support you. I wish you well.’

Each of the girls pressed my hands. ‘Thank you, Sister Rebecca. You too are in our prayers.’

With Rachel, it was different. I hugged her and
didn’t care that such an action went against custom. ‘You will be happy. The Lord has truly blessed you. I will love you always.’

‘And I you. Thank you, my dearest sister.’ She kissed me and moved on to Mother.

Saul stood in front of me. I wished him well, then said, ‘I am so happy my sister has such a good man for her husband.’

‘I will care for her. Our home will be a place of love. I promise you, Sister Rebecca.’

It was over. The whole community went outside to wave them away for their week’s honeymoon. Rachel would shed the shoes the moment their car was out of sight of the temple. The thought made me smile. There was just the rest of the afternoon to endure.

That evening at dinner, Father said, ‘It is pleasing to see you have accepted the will of the Lord, Rebecca.’

I bowed my head, but not before I saw the incredulous look Luke shot at him.

Rachel’s absence was hard to bear. I wondered if the ache of missing her would ever fade. I felt full of tears and feared the smallest thing would let them loose. By now I should have been Malachi’s wife, and he would have been by my side as she had been.

She had moved into a different world. We’d never again be able to talk on equal terms. She would have knowledge that would always be denied to me unless I married Ira. But I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t break my promise to my sister.

At evening prayers I prayed we were wrong about Elder Stephen’s plans for me. I prayed too for the happiness of my sister and the other girls.

LATE THAT WEEK
a postcard arrived from Queenstown. It was a picture of snowy mountains rising above a blue lake. Rachel’s message was filled with happiness.
This place is even more beautiful than the picture shows. I miss you all, my family, but my dear husband is taking good care of me. Your loving Rachel
.

Mother gave me the card to keep, but I saw the longing in Magdalene’s eyes and gave it to her.

I missed Rachel the way I’d have missed my own right hand. Some silly little thing would happen — like Zillah chortling as she zoomed down the slide at the park — and I’d turn to share the moment with my sister. I sorely missed our late-night talks as well. Magdalene was too young to burden with the questions chafing my mind. Once, I tried talking to Mother about my future, but she just smiled and told me to put my future in the hands of the Lord.

‘You must trust He has a plan for you, my daughter.’

She must have told Father, because that night he prayed for all his children to have faith in the wisdom of the Lord.

Rachel and Saul would arrive back from their honeymoon on Saturday evening. Magdalene and I spent the morning preparing a feast for them.
Zillah helped, her face tense with concentration as she peeled a potato.

‘Terrific job!’ I said. ‘Do you want to do another one?’

‘No,’ she said. ‘I want to play engines with Abraham and Luke.’

Magdalene said, ‘I’ll do it.’ She took Zillah to the bedroom to change into clothes already stained with grease. Our little sister was showing a love of machinery to equal Abraham’s. My heart ached for her.

In the afternoon, the whole family except Father carried the food to Rachel’s house. She saw us coming and flew out the door to greet us. Father wouldn’t have thought our excitement seemly, but Mother didn’t try to calm us. Rachel hugged us all, leaving me till last. I got the longest hug. ‘I miss you. I miss you so much,’ she whispered.

But she was happy, and I truly rejoiced to see how proud Saul was to have her as his wife. They both had a look of shining newness about them.

I was truly happy for her — for both of them.

I’d never felt so alone.

ON SUNDAY, THERE WAS A NEW SET
of girls to work with Talitha and me in the nursery. I saw the pity in their faces whenever they looked at us.

At lunchtime, Rachel ran over from the temple. ‘Rebecca! Father says we can have lunch together tomorrow. At my house!’

Some of the ache in my heart eased. It would be so good to truly talk to her again.

Talitha came into the bathroom to change a baby when I was busy with Sister Judith’s son Shiloh. ‘Talitha, do you mind all this?’ I gestured at the nursery, the babies.

She laid the baby — Damaris’s son — on the
changing table, giving a quick glance to check we were alone. ‘I find Sunday worship difficult, Rebecca. Elder Stephen is a holy and godly man, but when he preaches I feel the weight of his disappointment on my heart. I feel I’ve let him down.’ She sighed. ‘I try to walk the path to salvation, but I know I’m a sinner.’

I couldn’t help laughing. ‘You couldn’t be a sinner if you tried, Talitha!’

She said, ‘I still worship the Lord. I thank Him for the many gifts in my life. A beautiful day. A happy child. The gratitude of a mother I helped when she was ill. Many things. I find it a reverent way to worship.’

She refastened the snaps of the baby’s leggings and took him back to Damaris, leaving me staring after her. Did she know she’d just given me a precious gift? Did she know her words would help me live my own life without bitterness? It would take time and effort for me to become accepting like she was, but it helped so much to have a path to follow, a way to live in the world.

THE NEXT DAY
, Mother let me leave early to go to Rachel’s. I broke the Rule by running all the way. I couldn’t wait to see her, to talk and laugh the way we’d always done. She met me on the road. ‘I could not wait!’ She tucked her arm in mine. ‘I have so much to tell you.’

‘And so much you can’t tell me,’ I teased her, laughing when she blushed. ‘I want to hear all about Queenstown. Did you see snow?’

She giggled. ‘We had a snow fight! It was such fun, Rebecca. We probably broke the Rule a million times but—’

‘There was nobody to see you,’ I finished for her.

She gave a little skip. ‘It is good to be home, though. It is such a pleasure …’ She broke off, conscious I would never have what she had.

I gave her arm a shake. ‘Rachel, please don’t be scared to say things. I want to hear about your life. I want to hear about your happiness. Please believe me! Now tell me, what is it that gives you such pleasure?’

‘To have my own house. To prepare food for my husband.’ She watched me closely as she talked, checking for tears, no doubt.

All I said was, ‘I’m truly glad. But Rachel, for goodness sake — d’you think I want you to be like Kezia?’

After that, things were easy again between us, though we knew our relationship would never be the same as it had been.

I would grow accustomed.

From time to time that afternoon I watched as her face became dreamy. It had always been Saul for her, right from the beginning.

BY
THE END OF AUGUST,
I felt the shape of my future becoming clearer. Like Talitha, I had started watching the mothers when they brought their children to the nursery on Sundays. There were always some who looked worn and weary, and we would quietly say to them, ‘I will come next week to look after the little ones for a while.’

Always, those mothers were grateful. I grew more confident of being able to lead a useful life as an unmarried woman — of being able to find the strength to tell Father I wouldn’t accept Ira Strong for my husband.

The Wednesday Circle of Fellowship meetings were hard to bear, though. The married women expected me to join them, but I didn’t belong and at the least sound of a disturbance from the children I would excuse myself and escape to play with them.

Friday lunchtime became my time with Rachel. Those few hours were the most precious of the week. After the first couple of times, Mother made a point of asking, ‘Is your sister well?’

It took me that long to work out she was really asking if there was any sign Rachel could be pregnant. I knew that’s what Rachel hoped for herself.

‘It is strange,’ she told me, ‘I thought being a wife would occupy my entire life. But with Saul away at work all day there is too much time with nothing to do.’

Her house was immaculate, the garden tidy.

‘I really hope—’

‘What do the other girls do?’ I asked. ‘Tirzah, Drusilla and Abigail, I mean. Do they feel the same?’

She shrugged. ‘We do not get the chance to talk on Sundays, not about anything important.’

My heart went out to her. She was upset and I could see she felt bad about it. She had everything she knew I’d wanted for myself. ‘Rachel, you could ask them here for lunch. You could really talk to them if you did that.’

She stared at me as if I was a messenger from the Lord. ‘That is a brilliant idea!’ She leaned against me. ‘Thank you, my dearest sister.’

‘I won’t say anything to Mother,’ I promised her.

Rachel pulled a face. ‘No. She would just tell me to enjoy my chance to be idle.’

I jumped up. ‘Come on. We’re going for a walk. A long one where we can look out at the sea from a high hill. You’ll need a coat. We’ll most likely get rained on.’

We walked, we got wet, and I thought it did her good to be out of her house.

‘Do you ever wish for a phone?’ she asked as we strode back down the twisting road.

‘Yes! Now you’ve left home, I do. I didn’t before. But it would be such a comfort to be able to speak to you every day.’ I couldn’t say more or I’d cry.

She took my hand and quickened her steps, and we ended up running and laughing in the rain.

‘Rachel — do you feel free? Away from Father, I mean.’

She slowed to a walk and imitated his voice, ‘
My daughter, did you uphold the Rule this day?
Yes, to start with it was strange. But now I find it is not difficult to uphold the Rule. I want to be a good and godly wife to Saul. He is a good man. I am so lucky, Rebecca.’

I walked home in a thoughtful mood. My sister spoke the truth about upholding the Rule. I couldn’t recall her shortening her words even once.

MY SISTER WAS MUCH HAPPIER
when I went to her house the following week. ‘Talking with the other girls has made all the difference,’ she told me. ‘We have had lunch together twice this week, and they have been feeling exactly the same as me.’

‘Have you come up with ideas? About how to use the time?’ It was a pity they couldn’t work helping other women the way Talitha and I did — but the Elders would hear about it and put an end to it. Elder Stephen would preach about how it was the duty of the newly wed woman to stay home, stay calm and prepare to receive the gift of a child in order to fulfil her destiny.

She giggled. ‘Actually, we have! Tirzah thinks she is probably pregnant. We have all started knitting and sewing for her.’

I stared at my sister, suddenly suspicious. ‘You are as well? Tell me! Have you got my niece or nephew
in there?’ I put a careful hand on her stomach.

She blushed. ‘I do not know. But I have not been able to eat breakfast for a couple of days now. And I am so sore here.’ She gestured at her breasts. ‘Do not say anything to Mother. Not yet.’

When I returned home, I spoke before Mother could ask me anything. ‘Rachel is quite well, Mother.’ I decided to distract her thoughts. ‘She finds time heavy on her hands, though. She is used to being busy. She says it is very strange to just have Saul to look after.’

As we’d guessed she would, Mother said, ‘Goodness me! Tell her to enjoy being lazy while she can. Such a time will never come again.’

Had Mother ever been lonely? Had she wished for somebody to talk to? Although Father was a kind husband, he would never have talked to her just to pass the time of day. The Rule was the Rule and Mother’s duty was to obey it in every particular.

If I didn’t marry, I would have to live in my parents’ house until they were called to the Lord. How odd it would be with just the three of us. I didn’t allow myself to imagine Mother becoming a companion to me. It was best not to give in to such an impossible dream — I’d never be able to talk to her the way Rachel and I had talked.