I Heart My Little A-Holes (13 page)

10. Horns, drums, cymbals, pianos, microphones, guitars, maracas, tambourines, bells, whistles, mp3 players, karaoke machines, sirens, rattles, buzzers, alarms, toys that beep, buzz, or have one of those annoying ladies who sings like she’s all serious and shit like my middle school guitar-wielding music teacher.

That’s it. Good luck out there! You’re gonna F’ing need it.

Love and kisses,
Because I’m The Mom

So last year I’m sitting in front of my TV set watching the Olympics when Usain Bolt comes on and runs his little race and my hubby is all like, “Holy crap did you see that?! He is so amazing!” And I’m like, “Yeah, he is,” but I’m totally bullshitting him because really I’m like, “Whatevs, that’s nothing. Have you seen some of the shit moms do on a daily basis?” I mean I’d like to see Usain Bolt push a baseball through his penis (the best male equivalent to giving birth I could think of).

Anyways, it made me think. Who the hell cares if Michael Phelps can swim across a pool at like warp speed? Or that some sixteen-year-old waif can spell the entire Chinese alphabet with a stupid ribbon on a stick above her head? You know who’s holding this world together and leaping buildings in a single bound every day? Moms, that’s who. So this year when the weather’s nice, I’m gonna hold a little event in my backyard. Dah Dah Dah Dahhhhhh! Ladies and gentlemen, Moms and Dads, Rug Rats of all ages, welcome to, drumroll please, the Molympics!!!

Just to give you a feel for what the Momlympics are all about, here are a few of the events:

Event 1: Hair-doing

MOM: Stay still so I can do your hair!

DAUGHTER: F.U. Mom, I just chugged a Red Bull!

In this event each mom will be challenged to put her daughter’s hair into a ponytail while her daughter is jumping on a pogo stick after chugging a Red Bull. Up and down and up and down and falling off, all while Mom attempts to put her hair up. First one to get all of the hair into a reasonable ponytail wins this event.

Event 2: Food-cutting

CHILD: Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

What’s that the sound of? That’s your little poop machine crying his head off because you can’t prepare his food fast enough. In this event you will be given a bagful of grapes and a dull plastic knife. First mom to quarter every grape wins! And while you do it, you will be subjected to the grating sounds of a crying baby, either from an iPod or a real crying baby. TBD.

Event 3: Cheerio explosion

Moms, take your marks. Get set. Go! There are thousands of Cheerios spread throughout the yard. The moms will have thirty seconds to gather as many Cheerios as possible using nothing but her hands to collect them. There are no rules. Kicking, wrestling, tackling, grabbing, pulling, whatever you need to do to come out with more Cheerios than any other mom and prove your momlihood. You thought mud-wrestling was bad? You ain’t seen nothin’.

Event 4: Blowout Bonanza

For the love of God, stop wriggling!!! It’s just one of many things you’ll hear screamed during this event where each mom is given a greased pig covered in poop. She must clean the pig with only three baby wipes and then outfit the squirming pig in a fresh diaper. The winner will receive a lifetime supply of Purell. All of which she will use that day.

Event 5: Poop poop pee doop
She who poops the fastest wins. I shit you not. Moms will each go into a restroom and a timer will start the second the door closes. Don’t come out ’til you’re done. And to make it realistic, someone will be banging on the door and yelling, “Mommmm!” the entire time. Contestants must have a smart phone with a camera to provide proof so as not to subject the referee (me) to any unnecessary odors.

Event 6: Beginners breastfeeding

Last one to take the battery charger clamps off her nipples wins!

So brush up on your skills and practice practice practice because one of you will soon win the Momlympics and be anointed
Mom of the Year!
Yeah, I’ll bet you thought Gwenyth Paltrow or Oprah or someone like that handed this shit out. Well, you’re wrong. I do.

(Before kids)

(After kids)

Fifteen things I do as a Mom that will make you feel better about yourself:

1. If the kids spill a little milk and I’m too lazy to get a paper towel, I wipe it up with my sleeve. Or my foot if I’m wearing a sock.

2. Sometimes when I don’t know where a toy goes, I just throw it away. Especially doll clothes. We have a lot of naked dolls in our house.

3. Speaking of naked, sometimes I take pictures of my kids’ tiny tushies because I know I’m going to miss them one day. If someone were to open up iPhoto on my computer, I’d be arrested for pedophilia.

4. Last week I accidentally left the baby gate open and found my thirteen-month-old standing at the top of the stairs just staring down them. I think he was there for about 40 seconds before I showed up.

5. If the kids are crying too much at night sometimes I just give them Tylenol with blind hope that it fixes whatever is wrong.

6. When I want a bite of my daughter’s food, I lie and tell her I have to check and make sure it’s not poisonous.

7. Speaking of lies, sometimes I lie and say I have stomach upset just to get a few minutes to myself. Especially when I get a new People magazine. I call it FIBS (Fake Irritable Bowel Syndrome).

8. I’ve practically given up on finding the kids’ nails when I cut them. I do a half-assed search and hope the vacuum cleaner gets the rest, even if I’m not vacuuming for two weeks. Or more.

9. Sometimes I realize I’ve been looking at my cell phone for the past ten minutes and haven’t once looked up at my kids.

10. I’m so bad at geography I’m already worried about when my kids take it in school and they discover that I don’t know where all the states are in the United States.

11. Back when I nursed, there were times I’d drink a glass or two of wine in hopes that it would help my son sleep better.

12. In the supermarket I hand my kids random items to occupy them (i.e. a package of straws or a jar of sprinkles) and then I leave those items all over the store when they get bored and I have to give them something new.

13. When I find a Cheerio on the ground at home if I don’t have pockets or a trashcan, I just eat it. Provided it’s not mushy or covered in fuzz. Or one of those small, hard ones that was once in someone’s mouth.

14. Once there was a time I forgot to seatbelt my baby daughter into her infant car seat and we drove five blocks before I realized it.

15. I’m thankful for a lot of things, but mostly the speckled countertops in our kitchen so I can’t tell how dirty they really are.

To my daughter when she turns 18 (many many years from now),

Well, hey there kiddo. Remember me, the mom you used to love but now probably hate with every bone in your teenage body. If you’re anything like the little shit I was at that age, you’re barely speaking to me right now, much less listening to my brilliant words of wisdom.

The way I see it I’ll be hitting menopause at about the same time you’re in the thick of puberty so basically we’re F’ed, so I figured I better write you this letter now before we’re not speaking to each other. Then again if I’m wrong and we’re like totally besties, I’ll just tell you this shit over a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and give you this letter so you’ll have it in writing too.

Before you move away from home (at which point I’ll be locked up in the bathroom drowning my tears in a bottle of vodka) I wanted to make sure to pass along some words of advice to you. Here are a few things to do in your early adulthood before life sucks the life out of you:

Get shitfaced once in a while. Some of my best bonding moments were when I had one (translation: four) too many cocktails with my girl friends. Just don’t do any of the following while you’re shitfaced: walk home alone, drive drunk or sleep with a guy. Even if he’s like ridiculously hot. No, not because he might turn out to be fugly when you’re sober. Consider this shit, if he’s
that
attractive, guess what else might be attracted to him. Herpes, genital warts and crabs. Going home with a hangover the next morning is doable. Going home with the Red Lobster menu crawling all over your hoo-ha not so much.

And while we’re on the subject of bonding, try to make a lot of great friends in your twenties. Here are a few things that happen when you’re a young adult: you go out a lot, you drink, and you hang out on people’s couches. As you get older these things happen less and less. Not that you can’t bond with a friend over a stinky diaper change. It just doesn’t quite bring you together the same way dropping your pants to pee in an alley does. Not that I’ve done that.