I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (38 page)
Read I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell Online
Authors: Tucker Max
As an alternative to the "how many beers" or the "1 through 10" rating system, my friends and I came up with the following 5-star scale to rank physical appearance only. There are three things that you must remember before using this scale:
- Though personality is very important in evaluating females, in this scale it can only hurt. Too many men are the type that once they start fucking, they think the girl is cool because she likes having sex with them, and want to raise a woman's rating. This scale is for accuracy of physical appearance only, so keep your feelings for her personality out of this rating. People generally agree more when a woman is a bitch, thus making that more of an objective factor (personality is obviously important in deciding whether or not you want to date the woman, but not in conveying her physical attractiveness on this scale).
- Bonus stars can only be given under the following circumstances:
- A woman financially supports the man, or at least buys him everything he wants; capped at a half star.
- A woman is into other women, and lets the man participate in some way (including watching); capped at 1-star.
- Sex drive can help, but it can only bring a marginal candidate up a level. For instance, a high 2-star can be elevated to a low 3-star, but an average 2-star CANNOT go to a 3-star, no matter what her sexual habits are.
1-star
(aka, common-stock pig): No redeeming qualities. This girl is ugly, usually fat, boring and sucks in just about every way possible. If you don't know a common-stock pig when you see one, you are destined to spend the rest of your life with one.
2-star
(aka, respectable pig): One redeeming quality, like large breasts, nice ass, cute face, great dick-sucking lips, etc. If you concentrate on that one redeeming physical quality, and you get
shit-housed, you're not too upset with yourself waking up next to a respectable pig. Of course, you still make her crawl out the window when she leaves, because you don't want your friends to see her, but at least you don't want to gargle bleach and scrub yourself like a rape victim after she leaves.
3-star
(aka decent/attractive/pretty): Acceptable to be seen with in public. She is average when sober, but looks MUCH better after only about three beers. You'll admit to your friends that you're fucking her, but you still make fun of her behind her back, and tell them lies about her sexual prowess and bi-sexual tendencies to justify your dealings with her. She's not bad overall, and will do if nothing better comes along, but could be left in a heartbeat if the opportunity for a hot chick arises. Sadly, most guys end up having to settle for a 3-star, as these are the most prevalent type of women.
4-star
(aka girlfriend material): This is the girl that is very attractive, but not super hot. You will be seen with her in public at any point in the day, even before drinking. You think twice before ditching this girl for a hot chick, especially if she has special powers (tongue ring, double jointed, etc.). Ascension to the 4-star level can only be attained through use of a petition. The candidate must secure 75% of the vote from those polled. (NOTE: Bonus points only make a candidate petition eligible. She still must garner 75% of the vote.)
5-star
(aka super hottie): This is the hot chick. Hopefully no further explanation is necessary. It's kind of like the Hall of Fame. VERY FEW WOMEN ARE 5-STARS, about 3-5% of the population. A declaration that someone is hot is assumed to be true, but can be rebuked if 25% of those polled vote against her 5-star placement.
Other category: O-star
(aka, Wildebeast): The lowest of the low. A 1-star (common-stock pig) with a terrible personality qualifies as a Wildebeast. They should all be put to sleep. This \is that loud, disgusting fat girl in the bar that smokes, orders complicated drinks and then spills them on everyone, and is generally just so annoying that you have to actively restrain yourself from kicking her in the crotch and stomping on her throat until she drowns on her own blood. There is no insult too mean or crude for her, and basic human rights do not apply to her.
APPENDIX 2:
When describing how drunk I get, I use my own scale that my friends and I devised:
Buzzed
: is after a few beers, when I can feel the alcohol affecting me, but I think I can still drive reasonably well. My brain generally works like normal, though perhaps a little slow.
Inebriated:
is when I start feeling good, but I know my ability to drive is impaired, and so I give the keys away. I begin to doubt my ability to make good judgments. I am usually a much nicer person at this stage of drunkenness, though this changes quickly.
Drunk:
is when I start feeling overly confident about myself and all of my abilities, I argue about who drives, but eventually give the keys up anyway. Other people begin to seem much funnier and more interesting. This is also when the ability to socialize in an appropriate manner starts breaking down.
Fucked-in-half (aka "shit-housed"):
is when I believe that my abilities have become nearly superhuman, that I am the best looking man in my geographical area, and that that hunchback girl over by the bar is really hot too. As far as I am concerned, there is no road, policeman, or possibly even army, that can contain me. It is at this point that I cannot differentiate between an appropriate comment and an inappropriate one, so I just say whatever I feel like.
Tucker Max Drunk:
is the ultimate drunk stage. Never mind about operating heavy machinery; I have trouble figuring out doorknobs. The only benefit is that I don't have to worry about driving because I can't even find my keys. Any of several things can happen at Tucker Max Drunk. I can:
- Black out
- Hook up with ugly or fat girls
- Fail to hook up with hot girls because I pass out on them
- Vomit uncontrollably
- Make loud, boisterous, and thoroughly untruthful claims about my achievements
- Commit myself to large and utterly hopeless wagers that I have no way of covering
- Claim to be a renowned expert on things I could not begin to explain when sober
- Start fights with small, defenseless people
- Break things
- Become very angry with inanimate objects, and loudly curse them
- Say anything, no matter how offensive or mean, to anyone, no matter how helpless or undeserving
- Wake up somewhere that I have never seen before, and do not recognize
- Have long and involved conversations over important topics that I have no recollection of the next day
