I Love You, Always (15 page)

But I also need a destination, somewhere to end up. At the moment I’m traveling aimlessly and while it’s good for a while, it can’t last. The cash is one thing, but there is a reason I left, a reason I’m doing this.

I need to change my life.

I need to do what I want.

I need to live.

The bus pulls into some crappy roadside diner-truck stop combination and although this isn’t my stop to get off, I’m already thinking maybe I will anyway. I think I’m somewhere in Illinois with no clue on where to go next, but an urgent
need
to just keep looking. I grab my bags and head inside to get some food. It’s late in the afternoon and I’m starving.

“Cool picture,” a voice says to me as I sit at the counter eating a greasy, but surprisingly good burger.

I turn and see a guy about my age sliding onto the stool next to me. “Thanks.”

“Would make an awesome tatt,” he continues, nodding at the drawing, and I wonder if he’s read my mind or if it’s just that obvious.

“Yeah, that’s
kinda
what it is actually,” I tell him, as the noise of the bus pulling out draws my attention to the window.

“You supposed to be on that?” the guy asks me.

I shake my head, “Nah, not this time.” Leaving it now feels right somehow, even if I have no idea what I’m going to do next.

We sit in silence for a few minutes while this guy looks over the menu before ordering. I’m wondering if he was on the bus and I just didn’t notice him or if he’s come from somewhere else. I’m wondering a lot of things actually, but that’s probably because this is the first time I’ve ever done this. Twenty years old and I’m finally striking out on my own. Fucking hell.

“Where you headed?” the guy asks me, breaking my train of thought.

I shrug. “I don’t know yet, just…heading I guess. You?” I ask, half curious and half trying to keep this conversation going. It feels like the most normal conversation I’ve had in weeks, maybe ever.

“Boston, heading back home. You
ever been
there?”

“Nah, can’t say I have,” I tell him truthfully. Our family trips were always overseas. Big expensive ones designed to coincide with whatever business transaction my father was trying to hammer out. They were never actually about a family vacation or seeing the sites or whatever. Most of the time Mia and I would spend them holed up in a fancy hotel room watching a TV station that was rarely in English while our mother drank and our father had meetings. Not my idea of a family vacation.

“Oh you should, awesome fucking city. Where you from?”

“L.A., not an awesome city, a shithole,” I tell him.

He laughs, nodding his head in agreement. “Well you should make your way to Boston sometime, check it out, you won’t regret it.”

I stuff the last of my burger in my mouth as I nod. Boston. That could be an option. At this point I’m willing to consider anywhere as long as it’s far enough away from him. I still haven’t worked out exactly how far that needs to be. I could probably go to the moon and it wouldn’t be far enough.

I stand to leave, throwing some money on the counter and reaching down to grab my bags. The guy turns to me as I’m leaving.

“Nice talking to ya…?”

It’s said as a question and without thinking I answer, “Luke.”

“Well nice talking to you, Luke, maybe I’ll see you round sometime.”

I actually laugh at his words, thinking how unlikely that is. He laughs back and yells out his name to me anyway as I walk out the door. I lift one hand in a half wave as I head out onto the highway and just start walking.

I am doing this. I am going somewhere. I
will
find out where I’m supposed to be.

“Hey, you want a ride?”

I turn and look at the guy driving alongside me now. I’m not even surprised to see it’s him. He smiles as he slows to a stop. “What, to Boston?” I ask.

“You got anywhere else to be?” he says, shrugging.

I shake my head in amusement, “Yeah, you know I don’t, remember? We just spent twenty minutes in a crappy roadside diner working that out.”

“So, that could be your next stop then. You know, help me out with gas and driving maybe?” he asks.

“Tempting,” I answer.

He takes both hands off the wheel, holding them up in the air. “Seriously, I promise I’m not some psycho nut job or whatever.”

I actually smile now. “Isn’t that what all serial killers say?” I ask him.

The guy laughs. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. How about just a friendly offer to kill some time and maybe get you to your destination. Wherever you decide that is. In return you can help me out with the driving.”

I half laugh. I believe him. For some reason, I do. I don’t think the guy is crazy, even if I’ve got no frame of reference. I spent my life growing up in a strict, controlled environment. Never allowed to do any of the things I wanted to, even after I left for school. Running away is definitely the biggest gamble I’ve ever taken. But running away is one thing, this now, choosing to get in the car with this guy. Choosing to go to Boston. Choosing to actually find a place and start living my life how I want to live it. Well, that’s exactly why I ran in the first place and it’s the only gamble I should be taking right now.

I glance into the back seat, not really sure what I’m expecting or hoping to see. When I see the guitar propped against it, it’s almost like a sign, like I was meant to get in this car and because of that, I know the decision I’m supposed to make. Smiling I turn back and say, “Yeah, okay, thanks, that’d be great.”

I open the back door and throw my bags in alongside his guitar, before sliding into the passenger seat. As soon as I get in, I hear the music coming from the speakers. I smile at the song that’s playing. Yeah, there’s definitely something about this that feels right.

We drive without talking for the first twenty minutes; the only sound is the music coming from the stereo. It’s not awkward or weird and it lets me relax into the seat, be okay with the fact that I have walked away from my life, gotten into the car of a complete stranger, and am heading to a city I’ve never seen and know absolutely nothing about.

“So, tell me about the tattoo?” he eventually says, breaking our silence.

I run my hand over my face, exhaling against it. From the corner of my eye, I see him glance over at me before returning his eyes back to the road. I don’t say anything for a minute and this guy doesn’t seem like he’s about to push me on it. I like that.

“I don’t know if I can really explain,” I eventually say, my eyes still on the road in front of us. “It just kind of comes to me, has been for the last couple of weeks, so I just keep drawing it.”

He reaches out and takes a sip of his coke. “It’s a cool design, very unique. You have a spot for it?”

I shrug, even though he’s not looking at me. “Yeah, maybe, just thinking on my arm I guess.” I haven’t really thought that far ahead, even though deep down a part of me knows I’m going to get it done. As soon as I work out where it is that I need to reach, I’ll get it done. It needs to be somewhere that I can see it whenever I need to, every day if possible. But at the same time I don’t want it anywhere meaningful. I don’t want it anywhere that suggests it means more than it does.

I know I’m kidding myself with that bullshit though. Of course it means something; it means a lot. It’s why I’m fucking getting it. I see him nod at my answer and we continue to drive in silence for a few more minutes.

“It’s sort of a message to my father,” I suddenly say, surprising myself with the words that come out of my mouth. I’m staring straight ahead, but I know he turns to look at me now, I feel it more than anything. “Probably more of a fuck you, if I’m really being honest,” I continue.

“That what you’re running from then?” he asks, not looking at me this time.

I slide down into the seat a little, half propping my leg against the dash. “Running, escaping, something like that,” I confess.

“Hiding?”

My eyes close and I lean my head back on the headrest. “Not hiding no. Just…”

“Gone?” he continues.

A half smile breaks through. “Yeah, gone. I like that.” I take a deep breath. “And now, I guess I have somewhere to be gone to.”

“Boston?”

I actually smile for real this time. “Yeah, Jared, I think I’m heading to Boston. Thanks for giving me a lift.”

Jared laughs now. “Anytime, Luke, I can even show you somewhere to get the tatt done when we get there if you want.”

I lean back and close my eyes, knowing this is the second right decision I’ve made in my life.

All the things I see, when I stop and look around

Things I never believed, never expected would be found

Hopes and dreams and a world I never knew

Let alone could believe, would ever come true

∞

“You ready for today?” Ash asks me.

I glance down at her, still lying in bed. Smiling, I take a seat on the edge next to her. “Yep.”

“You excited?” she asks.

I lean over, my hands on either side of her shoulders as I press a kiss to her lips. “Very excited, I still can’t believe this is all really happening.” We’ve been rehearsing for three weeks now and today is finally the day we start the actual recording. It’s amazing how well it’s been going. Somehow, I’ve managed to keep my shit together about being back here, and I’m starting to believe this might really happen now.

Ash props herself up on her elbows, the sheet falling a little to reveal more skin as she kisses me back. “You deserve this, Luke, you really do.”

I can’t stop the groan as my eyes fall to all that exposed skin. “Fuck, Ash, now I just wanna crawl back in here and have fun with you,” I say, kissing my way down her neck.

She laughs as she pushes me away, falling back onto the bed. “No time, mister. Come on, we need to get ready, big day remember.”

“I know, I know,” I say, smiling despite my frustration as I push up off the bed, throw my towel on the floor and start to get dressed.

“I’m
gonna
take a quick shower and then I’ll be ready to go,” she says, jumping out of bed. “When you’re done, can you grab me some coffee before they drink it all?”

I turn and feel my heart flip in my chest. “Asha, shit, you can’t just stand there like that and expect me to go now,” I say, not even bothering to hide the fact that I’m half dressed and blatantly checking out my gorgeous girlfriend as she stands naked in front of me.

“Go,” she says laughing as she walks towards me and puts both hands on my chest. Leaning up, she kisses me before pushing me towards the door.

Laughing, I grab my boots and a t-shirt as I pull out my cell. Just before I open the door to our room, I hold up my phone and snap a quick picture of her and say, “Coffee’s coming right up.”

Ash laughs as she shakes her head at me. “Perv.”

“Only for you, beautiful girl, only for you,” I say as I walk out the door and down the stairs to join the rest of the guys. Pete’s also coming with us today, he’s sort of become our go-to for legal stuff and seeing as we’re meeting with the record label people again and signing some more contracts, it’s handy to have him here.

“Ready?” Jared asks as I head downstairs and into the kitchen. Mia is sitting on the counter drinking coffee.

“Yep, I am. Ash will be ready in ten,” I say. “Any chance of some coffee first?” Mia pours me a cup and after I quickly drink it, I pour another cup for Ash and then the seven of us are out the door and into the van.

The ride over to the studio is filled with all of us talking about ideas for what songs we’d like to use. Jared has great ideas about the order we should record them in, all of us knowing that an album is as much of a story as a book. Any playlist, either from a CD, or one you make yourself, needs to tell a story. It takes the listener on a journey that teaches them what the music is really about, the message the musicians are trying to convey. And the songs on this album are no different. Each of the songs represents a point in our lives and together, they tell a story that is all about the journey the four of us have taken to reach this point. It hasn’t always been easy and it hasn’t always been fun, but we’ve gotten here and that’s the story we want to tell.

The meeting with the record label goes smoothly and they’re very open to our ideas about songs and the playlist order. Then, two hours after we get to the studio, and we are finally walking into the sound booth to record for the first time. My heart is pounding in my chest as I look around at the set-up we are already so used to from rehearsals. Microphones for each of us, all of our instruments set up and ready to go. Only this time the sound guys sit on the other side of a glass window that takes up one wall of the studio, a bank of dials and buttons in front of them. Behind them, Ash, Mia, and Pete are sitting on the couches; cameras and laptops laid out on the coffee table in front of them, waiting for our first recording session to begin. I watch as Ash smiles at me before she stands up and snaps a quick shot of us all in the recording booth.

I smile back and then turn to face the rest of the guys, slinging my guitar over my shoulder. “Shit,” I say, my voice practically a whisper.

I hear Ben laugh as Jared says, “It’s pretty fucking cool, huh?” while Steve, shakes his head in amazement.

I run my hand over my head, at a loss for words. This is so much more than pretty fucking cool. It’s fucking surreal. It feels like a dream, like an unbelievable dream that we all getting to live for real.

“So, we
gonna
do this, or we gonna stand around like a bunch of idiots,” Ben says laughing, as Ash walks into the studio to start taking pictures of us looking like a bunch of idiots.

“Let’s do this,” Jared says.

“Just give me one shot of the four of you together, looking serious,” Ash asks, as she snaps away. After she takes a couple more, she leaves and we find our spot in the studio. I close my eyes as I take a deep breath. Ben times us in with his sticks and as soon as my fingers play the first note, I know this is exactly where I’m supposed to be.

This really is dreaming out loud.

“What are you doing?” I ask as we walk out of the studio four hours later and I collapse onto the couch beside Ash, my arm around her shoulder. She leans against me and I press a kiss to the top of her head.

“We’re making something for you,” she says, turning to face me so she can kiss my lips.

“Yes, and we need pictures, lots of pictures,” Mia says, pulling Ash away from me.

“What for?” I ask, as Jared sits down next to Mia. I lean back and look at him while the
girls
hunch over their computers. He shrugs, as though he has no idea, so we both turn to look at the two laptops in front of them. Ash has a bunch of photos on hers. Mostly of me, or me and her, occasionally some of the others, while Mia has some program I’ve never seen before on hers.

“What’s going on, baby?” Jared asks, his arm around Mia’s shoulders now as he leans over and starts kissing her neck.

“We’re making you guys a website and we need stuff. Pictures, bios, all that cheesy shit the fans love,” she says, turning to look at him. “Ash is gonna do the pictures, so we need some of the four of you, with instruments and stuff, like the ones from this morning. And maybe we could get some with a shirt off or something, to get the fans really gagging for it,” she says, laughing as she points at something on the screen now, showing it to Ash and making her laugh too.

“Um, what the fuck?” Jared says, turning to look at me again. I just shrug, having no idea.

“Think Rolling Stone’s style,” Mia says, turning and looking at Jared again. “The magazine, I mean.”

“Mia, baby, what the fuck are you talking about?” Jared asks, playing with her hair as he leans in and kisses her neck again.

“I’m talking about an
Infinity
website,” she says, poking him in the stomach. Jared laughs as he grabs her around the waist and pulls her into his lap.

“You’re making us a website?” I ask, glancing between my sister and Ash.

“Yeah,” Mia says. “I’ll do the content and shit, and Ash will do the photos, so you guys need to make it happen.”

I look down at Ash who is smiling up at me. “Seriously?” I ask her.

“Yep, we figured you’ll need all this stuff when the album comes out. Fans love this shit, so we’re going to make you one.” She leans in to kiss me again and I’m not really sure what to say. “So, photos, can we work something out?” she asks, pulling back.

“You think that’s what people want?” I ask, glancing at Jared.

I feel Ash’s hand grab my cheeks and turn me back to face her. “Yes, it is,” she says, smiling. “All bands have this, you need it too, and it will be good for you. Especially when the album comes out, fans expect it, you know.”

I watch her as she looks up at me. There’s so much fire and life and passion in her eyes now. This is what it’s been like ever since the night she got shot. It’s an amazing transformation and she really does mean it when she says she fights now. She knows it, I know it, and everyone can see it. I love it, really love this new side of her, there’s just so much
more
life in her now.

“Okay,” I say, laughing as I lean in and kiss her again. “Fuck it, let’s do it.”

“Let’s do what?” Ben says, walking over, with Pete and Steve. Beers are passed around for everyone, now that we are done for the day.

“Get a website,” I say, gesturing to the laptop. “Apparently, we need one, fans love this sort of shit.”

“Hey,” Mia says, reaching behind Ash and clipping me over the back of the head. “Stop your bitching, big brother. When you’re rich and famous and all the girls are fighting for your attention, you’ll thank me for this.” Jared and I both start laughing as Mia continues. “And don’t think for one minute that either of us,” she says, gesturing to Ash, “are gonna stand for any of that groupie shit, okay? I don’t care how hot those girls are, it’s not happening.”

I glance down at Ash, who’s shaking her head at me, an almost serious look on her face. “No?” I ask, pulling her closer. She laughs as she leans in to kiss me, not saying anything because she knows she has absolutely nothing to worry about.

“So what are these bios
gonna
say then, I’m not sure I need people knowing all my shit, baby,” Jared says, wrapping his arms around Mia.

“We’re not getting personal here, just random stuff to keep people happy,” Mia answers, smiling.

Ben laughs as he says, “How about, Lukie likes long walks on the beach and watching sunsets…”

“Um, what the fuck,” I say, my leg connecting with Ben’s, as he stands next to me. “Where do you pull this shit from?”

Ben smiles at me as he takes a sip of his beer. I watch as he looks at Jared, then me and then down at the computer in front of Mia. Instinctively I know he’s up to something. “No hang on, I know,” he says, a big fucking
grin
on his face as he takes another sip of his beer. “Lukie and Jared…no, Jay Jay, enjoy long walks on the beach together and…”

“Fuck off!” Jared and I say at the same time as Ben starts laughing and is joined by both Ash and Mia.

“Oh yeah, I’m totally putting that up,” my sister eventually says when she stops laughing her ass off.

“Baby, do I need to remind you of something?” Jared says, tightening his arms around her as he starts kissing her neck again.

Fuck, I so do not need to be thinking about that.
At all.

I have no problem with Jared and my sister together. In fact, I couldn’t think of anyone better to not only look after her, but also put up with her stubborn ass ways. But fuck me; I so do
not
need to think about them in
that way.

“Dude, seriously…” I say, looking over at Jared now.

Jared turns to face me, laughing as he raises his eyebrows and grins like a moron. “What,” he says, pulling Mia closer. “You don’t want to hear about me and your sister and all the…”

“J, fuck, seriously!”

“Okay, you two,” Ash suddenly says, throwing a cushion at Mia and Jared, who are both laughing now. “Get a room. And you,” she says, gripping the front of my shirt and pulling my attention away from them. “Have a drink.”

I smile as I pull her into my lap now, one arm wrapped around her shoulders, the other around her ass. “Oh I can think of something better than that,” I say as I lower my mouth to her neck.

“Luke, geez, what the fuck did I do?” she asks, laughing as I press kisses up and down her neck.

“Nothing,” I say, smacking her on the ass. “But I so need to get that other image out of my brain. Right now.”

Ash’s laugh is like music to my ears as I start to forget about everyone else in the room, all of my attention on her now. Somewhere I hear someone groan, and then Ben, as he mumbles something about needing to get laid.

“Hey,” she eventually says, grabbing my t-shirt. “We do have company.”

“Mmmm,” I murmur, kissing my way up to her ear now, not really caring about anyone else.

“Luke,” she says, gently pushing me back.

I stare up at her smiling face, at the room we are in, surrounded by our friends, this dream and all the amazing shit that’s about to happen for us. I feel almost overwhelmed by it all, at having all of the things that matter to me, together, in this one room.

“This really could happen, couldn’t it?” I say, still not quite believing it, as I stare at Ash’s smiling face.

“No,” she says, shaking her head. “It
will
happen, Luke. I know it will.”

I smile as I close the distance between us and kiss her
again,
unable to believe this is real.

This is not just a dream anymore.