I Surrender (18 page)

Chapter 25:

Number 3

“
F
ood expression is about art. Not being afraid to express yourself through your cooking.” I stare up at the clock. It’s nearly midday, lunchtime. I took that step I was so afraid of taking and I haven't looked back.

I have been back at CIA for a few weeks and it’s been wonderful. When I spoke to my coordinator about the possibility of returning he literally clapped his hands and shoved the paperwork under my nose. It was a nice feeling to be accepted back so readily. After all the formalities were taken care of, I was able to reenroll into my ‘Culinary Arts Degree.’ It was like coming home. My teachers welcomed me back and gave me a pile of catch up notes which I happily devoured.

Life is good and my smile finally isn’t forced.

College is great and work at ‘The Coffee Bean’ is steady, helping me pay for my astronomical school fees. I am spending more time with my parents and Oscar is back to being a normal outdoor cat, as his stint inside nearly sent us both to the Looney Bin!

And then there is Jasper. Things between us have been amazing since ‘That Kiss’.

We harmlessly flirt with one another and V has commented the sexual tension between us is so heavy she could smell the pheromones when she entered the room. I don’t care; I’ll take what I can get.

I want more from Jasper, but I know he is happy with the way things are. Sometimes I can sense he longs for more, but I know he is afraid of going down that road with me again. I can’t blame him seeing as that road ended up a dead-end.

But whatever we’re doing, it works. I remind myself on a daily basis I am the one to blame for us being stuck in the friends’ zone.

Class is over and as usual my thoughts have ended with Jasper White. “Hey are we going to the student bistro?” My classmate Ben asks.

Ben and I have been paired up for the rest of the term as cooking buddies and I couldn’t have asked for a better buddy. He’s polite and seems to be into class as much as me.

“Yeah sure, let’s see what the other classes have over us,” I joke grabbing my backpack.

The student bistro is a campus eatery where culinary students practice cooking in a restaurant environment and the hospitality staff can practice waiting tables. Meals are cheap and it is a sneaky way to snoop on how good the other classes are.

We make our way out of class and I see Ben duck into the bathroom, looking over his shoulder implying he will be a minute. I give him a courteous nod and decide to wait out in the courtyard. However, before I can take another step, I am confronted with a pair of cerulean eyes. My heart plunges into my stomach.

I nervously gulp. “Hello.” I notice a few heads turn when they see the hottie I am talking to.

“Hello yourself. That look suits you.” Jasper mockingly smiles, looking at my attire.

I look down confused, and quickly blush as I’ve forgotten to take off my food splattered apron. I swiftly take it off and shove it in my bag.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, trying not to sound rude and conceal the actuality I am fist pumping to happy town within.

“To have lunch with you,” he replies with poise. He looks as handsome as ever. The light is reflecting off his white skin, making him appear saintly. Will I ever be able to look at Jasper and not liquefy? I doubt it.

“Out of all the things you could do on your day off, you want to have lunch with me? Here? At school?” I ask to clarify my wires aren’t crossed.

“Yeah why not? This place is as good as any.” I smile at his impulsiveness. Things between us are looking brighter every day.

He reaches for my backpack slung over my shoulder and places it on his shoulder. Always the gentleman.

“Hey Ava,” spits Ben when he sees Jasper and I together. Shit I forgot about Ben and I having lunch.

I unexpectedly witness Jaspers shoulders hunch up tightly and then the air can suddenly be cut with a knife.

Ben and Jasper glare at one another. What the..? Do they know one another?

“Hi Jasper.” Ben sneers. Okay question answered, they do know one another.

Jasper ogles Ben and if looks could kill, Ben would be a smoldering pile of ashes. What the hell is going on? I look at Jasper, giving him a ‘care to explain’ look which he dismisses quickly.

“I’ll catch you later Ava,” Jasper says, hurriedly kissing my forehead and exiting the building before I can question him.

I glance at Ben who shrugs a shoulder offering no explanation. What is going on? I am so confused and curse myself for jinxing our reunion.

I have to find out what is wrong. After giving Ben a quick apologetic smile, I run out after Jasper who is a few yards ahead.

“JASPER!” I yell chasing after him. I am not a runner and with my little legs trying to keep up with Jaspers huge strides I am puffed.

“JASPER!” I shout again and he finally slows down. Out of breath I catch up to him, hands on knees trying to steady my breathing.

“What the hell was that about?” I ask breathlessly.

“How do you know him?” he asks narrowing his eyes. The wind is whipping his hair forcibly around his face making him appear wild.

“Who Ben?” I ask stunned looking at him confused.

“Yes Ben.” He sneers his name like he’s eaten something nasty.

“He’s my cooking partner, why?” This conversation is going nowhere. I have no idea why Jasper is so mad. Judging by the murderous glare in his eye I would say their connection is an unpleasant one.

“Because he’s an asshole that’s why!” Jasper replies while attempting to walk off again.

I grab his arm to stop his retreat. “Hey hold up. What’s going on? If he’s an asshole then I should know why as I will be spending a lot of time with him over the next few months.”

“Why?” He is seething, looking over my shoulder in case Ben decides to interrupt us.

“Um because that’s how it works. He’s my partner and we cook, study, and so on together.” Jasper’s face tightens in frustration.

“What the hell Jasper, talk to me.” I am starting to think Ben may be a serial killer judging by Jasper’s reaction to the news of me being partners with him.

He senses my concern and after much debate he finally answers softly, “He is Indie’s boyfriend.”

Okay definitely not a serial killer, that’s a good start.

Her name still grates on my nerves. Boyfriend? When did she ‘date?’ What were the odds I would be partnered with the psycho bitches’ new squeeze?

“How do you know that?” I question quickly. I wasn’t aware Indie and Jasper still kept in touch.

“I don’t want you seeing him. Can you swap partners or something?” I look at Jasper offended by his request.

I don’t understand why Ben being Indie’s boyfriend is an issue. Is he jealous? Does he still have feelings for her? Indie has been out of the picture for many glorious months or so I thought. Is seeing Ben bringing back memories of Indie? Does he miss her? Ugh, I feel sick.

Jasper is aware of my dilemma as my face betrays me. “Don’t go thinking stupid things Ava okay. I would still hate that jerk if he wasn’t Indie’s boyfriend.”

I still can’t wrap my head around the issue here. “He’s her boyfriend, big deal. Why do you care?”

Jasper folds his arms across his chest and huffs, “I don’t.” I stare at him suspiciously because I know he is lying to me.

When he doesn’t elaborate I chuckle sarcastically. “You obviously do if we are standing outside my school arguing about your ex and her current lay.”

Jasper pulls at his hair letting out a frustrated sigh. That makes two of us.

“I don’t care Ava; it’s just…hard to explain.” He tosses me an ambiguous look and I roll my eyes. No way is he getting out of this without an explanation. The last time Jasper lied to me about Indie he ended up getting pulverized by Brandon.

“Try me.” I simply state while staring angrily at him.

Jasper bites his lip and averts his eyes. Well that certainly is not a good start. “I know to others Indie comes across as a heartless bitch.” That is his only explanation? That explains nothing.

“That’s because she is!” It comes out before I can stop myself and I realize I may have vocalized it a little louder than anticipated as a student walking past us zigzags to get out of my way with an uncomfortable look on her face.

But Jasper continues as if I hadn’t spoken. “But I have known her since we were kids; I will always care about her. So when I see her dating a jerk like Ben, I care. Just like I am sure you will always care about Harper.”

His words infuriate me. I literally see red. What is it with Jasper’s obsession with Harper and me? On almost every occasion we have discussed Harper it has ended in a fight. Look what happened the last time we discussed Harper for Pete’s sake!

I need to set Jasper straight on where my feelings for Harper lie once and for all. I step up towards his towering frame, poking my finger into his solid chest. “You’ve got to be joking! I couldn’t care if that bastard dropped off the face of this earth. He would be doing me and females all over the world a favor!” Well that came out a little more heated than I intended.

My words have failed to convince Jasper and I can tell by the determined look on his face this is going to turn into an argument. So much for lunch!

“That’s not true and you know it. You wouldn’t be getting so angry if he still didn’t get under your skin.” His words hurt because there is some truth. But for the first time it’s not because I am mourning our relationship, it is because I hate him. I hate the bitter, insecure person I become whenever I think about him. I hate him because he stopped me from being open to a new relationship with the person standing in front of me. I hate that he still has an affect over me. But that’s going to change.

“That’s where you and I differ. You care for Indie. I hate Harper. I hate everything he did to me and if I saw his current girlfriend I would give her some money to buy a ticket to heartbreak hotel because that’s where she’s headed being involved with a sociopath like him!” Wow that felt good.

Jasper looks at me with his judging eyes. “Ava you need to talk to him or sort something out. You need to get over him so you can move on…” He leaves the sentence hanging. I know he means I should have sorted my shit out before I got involved with him.

I am sick to death of hearing Harper’s name. I mockingly say, “I am quite happy where I am situated right now thank you very much.”

Jasper takes a deep breath and looks at me with caution. “Why are you getting so mad? I’m right aren’t I? You still love him.”

Seriously, was our previous fight over Harper not enough for him? The fight that resulted in us not talking and then reverting back to being friends. A million thoughts are zipping through my brain and as I glance up at deflated Jasper I suddenly want to punch him in the face. Okay maybe a little over-dramatic but why does he insist on bringing up my ex? Why is it Harper can still ruin my life and he’s not even in it anymore! And how did this conversation turn into being about me?

I’ve had enough and it’s time to put a stop to this chat and also time to put a stop to Harper controlling my life.

“If you actually think I could still be in love with that pathetic excuse for a man then we have nothing further to say to one another.” I storm off and the breeze carries Jasper’s voice calling out for me to stop, but I need to put as much distance between us before I chicken out with my decision.

I slam my car door shut. How can Jasper think I still have feelings for Harper? I know the answer lies in my behavior on that fateful night. I can’t blame Jasper for being unsure of my feelings for Harper because I have never sat down and explained myself. But that can wait for another day because right now I don’t give a darn about the rest of my classes because there is one imperative mission I must complete.

New Year’s resolution number 3: Contact Harper.

Chapter 26:

Stronger

W
hat is the appropriate terminology to address an email to your good for nothing, sonofabitch ex? I sit staring at my laptop like it will give me the answers I seek. I slam down the lid. Why is this so hard? I know what I should say, but actually conveying that into a sentence, it's all so daunting. I don't want to revisit all those memories, all those feelings. What if I reopen that door and I can't close it again? I can't do this. Then I envision a pair of cerulean eyes and the argument that prompted me here.

I blow out a frustrated breath as I fire up my laptop and decide to put on some music for inspiration. Searching through my playlists, one particular song title catches my eye and I laugh at the irony of life. I listen to the lyrics over and over on maximum volume and what I want to say to Harper falls into my lap musically.

What better way to express my feelings than using one of my favorite songs, ‘Stronger ‘by Kelly Clarkson.

So thank you to a strong, powerful woman for summing up how I feel about a manipulative devious ex. Harper always hated Kelly Clarkson. Deep down I think he never liked her because she is not afraid of speaking her mind and doesn’t take shit from the opposite sex. And if they piss her off, she sings about it.

What a perfect goodbye song. It is poetic justice really. Thanks Kelly!

So my email is simple, heading the subject title with:
“Thanks to you
”

I type out the lyrics while singing with enthusiasm and
I stare at the screen for a few minutes, at no time doubting my email. Moving the cursor over the send button I hesitate, but as the chorus of the song blares at me through my speakers I press send and the relief I feel is instant. I actually jump up from my seat and run around the room singing as tears of happiness stream down my face. I am laughing like a crazy woman, yelling at the top of the lungs, butchering this song which will never remain the same for me.

I am propped up on the couch playing air guitar when V walks in, yelling to be heard over the music and me.

“Don’t get me wrong I prefer this than the depressing stuff, but if you don’t cease with your “singing,” you will be imprisoned for your crimes against music.”

I jump off the couch, laughing blissfully. Grabbing V’s hands I twirl her around coaxing her to sing with me and even partake in some clapping. I feel on top of the world. Why didn’t I do this sooner? Why was I so afraid? The hole in my chest will eventually heal. I know the scar tissue will always be there, but whenever my thoughts pass to Harper, that scar tissue will be a reminder of a life lesson learnt.

“Why are you in such a good mood? Did you and Jasper finally sort your shit out?” Even the mention of Jasper who I am still mad at, cannot sour my mood.

“No V. Nothing to do with him directly. It’s all me. Ava Thompson this is your life and I am taking it back!”

V beams up at me. “Oh babe I am so happy for you. Whatever is going on I like it. I haven’t seen you smile like this in forever. Bring it on!”

I am apprehensive to tell V the reason for my latest happiness. I know she will want to talk about it and analyze it. I just want to keep it for what it is: closure.

I decide to steer things into a difference direction. “Did you know Indie was dating someone?”

“As if I would. I didn’t talk to that bitch when I was meant to be nice to her. How did you find out?” V collapses onto the couch and pulls me down to sit near her.

I lean my head on her shoulder. “Her boyfriend is in my class. And if that’s not bad enough, he’s my cooking partner!” I curse the paradox of life.

“Oh my God! You’re joking! Ava Thompson what have you done in your previous life to warrant such bad luck?” V looks as shocked as I was when I heard the news.

I chuckle interlacing my fingers into praying hands, “I wish I knew. Whatever it was, I put it out there… I’M SORRY!”

“How did you find out?” V looks serious and I exhale in frustration.

“Jasper.”

That dampens my mood slightly as we didn’t really sort out why he was so upset about Indie dating Ben.

“Jasper?” V asks clearly confused. I explain the story about him surprising me at school today and the Ben situation.

“Why are his knickers in such a knot over Indie dating someone?” I shrug in response.

Then a thought occurs to me. “Did you know he was still in contact with her?”

V nods guiltily while chewing on her lip ring, never a good sign. “Yeah Lucas mentioned it. I didn’t think it was a big deal so I never said anything. Are you okay with it?”

This doesn’t feel as painful as I thought it would be. I sit up straight and decide facing my demons is better than hiding from them.

“Honestly not really. Jasper and I had a huge argument about it and he had the balls to say he would always care for Indie just like I would Harper.” Even the thought leaves a sour taste in my mouth, confirming my decision to email Harper was the right one.

“And he’s wrong?” V questions genuinely curious. And so much for this not turning into Harper talk. What is it with people? Do they not get Harper ripped out my heart, and left me for dead?

“Don’t be getting that look on your face Ava. I am only speaking from experience and I know you hate Harper, but as time goes on that hate will fade. You will always remember that feeling when he broke your heart, he was your first love and feelings like that may be buried, but never forgotten.”

I reflect on her words and I blurt out suddenly, “I want Jasper.”

V bursts into a fit of laughter. After a full minute of laughing, she wipes her tears of laughter away. “Okay don’t hold back or anything.”

I smile, no point being aloof about it. “I want more with Jasper. I want him so bad it hurts. He is my first thought of the morning and the last at night. That’s something right? At the beginning I thought it was only physical, but honestly Jasper could be a pirate with a wooden leg and my feelings wouldn’t change. I want him. I was so stupid to let my insecurities get in the way.”

V claps loudly and I look at her confused. I am afraid my insanity has finally rubbed off on her. “Fucking finally, now that you have admitted it to yourself go tell him and don’t be messing it up this time around.”

I bite my lip nervously and look around the apartment trying to avoid her smug look. Insecurity has reared her ugly head and I question, “But what if he doesn’t feel the same way?” Expressing my fears out loud seems all the more daunting. I know what I want. But what does Jasper want? He seems happy just being friends.

V startles me when she slams her palm onto the table to emphasis her point. “Honey, seriously are you blind? People in Antarctica can see the chemistry between you two. Sadly he’s being a little bitch about it all, so you want that man you gotta go get him!”

She’s right, not about the little bitch part but about the chemistry.

“Okay you’re right.” I sigh.

“You know I will never tire of hearing that,” V giggles while I throw a pillow at her self-righteous face. She gets up and heads upstairs to change.

My palms grow clammy at the thought of actually telling Jasper, that’s going to be the hard part. I may have had a surge of confidence after emailing Harper, but that doesn’t mean I am confident enough to declare my feelings for Jasper right now. I need time to prepare and rehearse a speech. I cringe when I realize the next few nights will be sleepless ones thinking about the appropriate etiquette on how to address this. I berate myself; this isn’t a conference where you can prepare notes Ava! Ugh, I need to stop thinking about this now.

Luckily, there is a knock at the door to distract me from my thoughts. V bounces down the stairs to answer the door and I head into the kitchen to start on dinner. I can hear her talking to someone who I presume is an annoying salesperson.

Lost in thought and humming to myself I open the fridge and gaze inside. I see some chicken on the bottom shelf and some vegetables. I might make a chicken pot pie.

I bend down, not using my knees of course, so my butt is sticking out for the whole world to see. These yoga pants really don’t leave much to the imagination. I am pleased it’s only V and me, or so I thought.

“Hey you.”

I hold onto the fridge door for support and close my eyes mortified. Maybe if I stay in here he will go away. Or maybe he can’t see me. I try to subtly shuffle forward to conceal myself.

“Are you hiding in the fridge? If so, I can see you.”

Dammit!

I am getting a slight case of hypothermia standing here in this compromising position so I take a steady breath and face the music that is Jasper White.

V ducks her head around the corner grinning. “Hey guys, I totally forgot I have to go to the…um library to return a book, so I’ll see you soon.”

And she runs out the front door. V is a terrible liar. And the fact she left in her pajamas really made her story of returning an alleged library book less believable.

Jasper slowly walks into the kitchen, his footsteps heavy on the tiled floor. He sits with his front to the back of the chair smirking and I quickly tend to anything but Jasper. I can feel his eyes watching my nervous movements.

“Can you please stop doing whatever you’re doing. I’m getting dizzy just watching you.” Damn him. I can hear the amusement in his tone as he knows I am evading him and failing.

I throw down my dishcloth and lean against the bench, ankles and arms crossed. “What are you doing here?” Nice Ava, what a way to welcome a guest. A guest, only moments prior, you were going to proclaim your feelings for.

“I don’t like how we left things.” He is so matter of fact and I wish he would lend me some of his courage.

As I peer at him nervously he looks beaten and exhausted. Will this emotional rollercoaster between us ever come to an end?

I take a deep breath and push my insecurities down, deep down.

“Me neither. I’m sorry for blowing up on you. I shouldn’t have stormed off that way.” I am woman enough to admit I am at fault for losing my temper.

Jasper shakes his head, massaging his forehead. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.

“I didn’t give you much choice. I was being an asshole. I’m sorry for asking you to change cooking partners. That was wrong.”

I was not expecting an apology but I’ll take it. “How about we forget today happened?”

Even though we haven’t addressed the reason behind him hating Ben, I really don’t want to argue with him anymore. If that argument never happened, I would have never emailed Harper. So it would be pointless holding a grudge and seriously as if I could hold a grudge against him.

“I’d really like that. Are you sure you’re not going to do some chick thing and yell and call me out on being a jerk when I think things are okay.” He chuckles while I throw an apple at him, missing him by a long shot.

“You already know you’re a jerk.” I smugly shrug in response.

“Oh you’re going to pay for that.” Jasper warns and has me pinned before I can say how.

He has my arms restrained behind my back, holding me prisoner to his upper body. Our chests are touching, and I feel giddy as I feel his steady heart beating madly, racing alongside mine.

I stare up into his eyes, and he is assessing me as closely as I him. Can I really do this again? Am I ready? His warm breath is puffing lightly onto my face and being this close to him I know I have to do this.

This is it; I am going to do it, no chickening out. Jasper rests his forehead against mine.

I open my mouth to declare my feelings when I hear Jasper whisper, “Friends?”

You’ve got to be kidding me! I sigh frustrated. Come on Ava tell him. Then that niggling voice called doubt stops my confessions. Is that all he wants, friendship? Uncertainty plagues my mind. Maybe V is right. What is buried may never be forgotten.

I am such a chicken. I can’t tell him how I feel and be rejected.

I don’t know if I can do this again but I reply dejectedly, “Friends.”

Bwaaakkkkkkkkk!! Bock! Bock!