I Unlove You (15 page)

“
I don
’
t think
anybody
—”

“
And the
hospital
…
what does she do when she gets there?
”

“
I
’
m not
sure
—”

“
Will you have to help pull the
baby out with your own hands?
”

“
Of course not. Do you even know
how
—“

“
And
B
’
s
going to change. I
tolerate that girl at the minute, but what about when she starts
crying for no reason? Have you thought about
that?
”

“
Not really.
“

“
Damn it, Aus. Why are you so
calm?
”

“
I don
’
t
know,
”
I
said.
“
I don
’
t think I am being
calm as such, because there
’
s lots of time to
figure everything out. I don
’
t have all the
answers, but I don
’
t need them all now.
Besides, this is still me and
B
. Did I imagine
we
’
d be parents at twenty-two? No. But have I pictured
the two of us having kids together? Of course.

“
She
’
s my everything,
Joe. I
’
m a better person around her, and having a baby
with her, and starting a family
…
what could be better?
In the big scheme of things, what more could I ask
for?
”

“
But
…
but
…
the nappies and the
insomnia, and the fact you
’
re having a goddamn
baby?
”

As
I shrugged, he threw his arms in the air and sulked to the toilet;
the rest of the night a continuous vent as Joey
’
s speech
grew slurred.

“
I won
’
t
lie,
”
I say to
B
.
“
I find it quite amusing.
”

“
What? The fact your best friend
is losing his mind?
”

“
Yeah.
”

“
Well, I suppose someone has
to,
”
she says, taking a deep breath and looking around the
room.

“
What does that
mean?
”

“
Well, not that
I
’
m complaining, but you
’
re rather calm at
the moment. I think it
’
s safe to assume we
all thought you
’
d panic a little
more.
”

“
And who is
all of us
?
”
I ask, narrowing my stare.

“
Me. Joseph. Our parents. Anyone
who knows you
…”

“
I
’
m sorry to
disappoint. Would you rather me act like a nervous
wreck?

“
No. But I am a little
worried.
”

“
Why? I
’
m
fine.
”

“
Are you?
”

“
Yes.
”

“
Aus
—“

“
What? Do I not look
fine?
”
I say, a tad louder than I planned.
“
It sounds like
you
’
re complaining.
”

“
Well, I
’
m not. I
’
m just
worried you
’
re bottling
everything up and pretending this isn
’
t
…”

“
Isn
’
t what? Real?
Because I
’
m aware this is real. I know
what
’
s happening.
”

“
I know you do,
but
—“

“
But what?
”
I say, straightening
up and pursing my lips.

“
Hey, don
’
t be like
that. We need to keep talking, and at the moment
you
’
re not doing a great deal of it.
”

“
I
’
m
talking.
“

“
Ausdylan, I love you, but
you
’
re not. I know you, and I know what that mind of yours
is like, and what you
’
re doing is bottling
things up and pretending there isn
’
t a problem.
”

“
So, our baby
’
s a problem
now?
”

“
You know that
isn
’
t what I mean,
”
she says, glaring at me.
“
And since
when do you sulk like this? Have you turned into Joey all of a
sudden?
”

I move to speak, but bite my lip
instead.

“
It
’
s okay to be scared
and freak out. Pushing things down isn
’
t going to help
anyone, let alone this little baby. We
’
re in this
together, so I want you to know you can talk to
me.
”

“
I know I
can.
“

“
Then talk. And if you
can
’
t talk to me, talk to Joseph or your dad. And before
you say there
’
s plenty of time,
it
’
s ticking. This is happening, and soon things will get
real, real fast. Pushing it down and bottling up
isn
’
t healthy, especially for you. But you know this
already, Aus.
”

I
sigh. All of a sudden I
’
m tired; exhausted,
even. Forehead heavy, shoulders and neck tense, I long to lie down
and close my eyes, yet the woman I love entices me in and keeps my
stare on her with her gentle, calming smile.

“
Okay. And I know. I know
everyone expects me to panic and not deal with this, and if
I
’
m honest, I don
’
t get why
I
’
m calm, either. I wake up each day expecting to feel
scared and anxious, but the truth is, I
’
m okay.
”
I slide forward,
reaching for her hand.
“
I have my moments.
Just this morning I stood in the shower and wondered how you clean
a baby. I have no idea, so I panic and it feels like my chest will
explode. But then it goes. I know there
’
s time to
figure everything out, and that I have you and my mum and dad. That
panicking right now won
’
t do anyone any
good, least of all me. So, for the most part, I feel fine. And I
know this may sound strange, but I feel normal. Life feels normal.
In a way, it feels like this is how it should
be.
”

Biting her top lip, she looks towards my coffee and slips
both her hands within my grasp.
“
Do you know why I
didn
’
t tell you about being pregnant
straightaway?
”

“
You said you needed time. I
understand that.
“

“
In a way, but mainly because so
long as I kept it to myself, it wasn
’
t real. I took the
first test and assumed it must be wrong. There
’
s no way
I could be pregnant, because we
’
re careful, and
young, and nowhere near ready for something so big. So I took a
second test, and assumed that was wrong too.

“
I didn
’
t panic. I
didn
’
t particularly worry or lose sleep. I knew it was
wrong. I knew. I knew there wasn
’
t a baby inside me,
so I didn
’
t tell you because it wasn
’
t real,
and it remained a mistaken fantasy until I went to the doctors and
he told me to my face that it was.

“
Even then I
didn
’
t believe it. I remember shaking my head and smiling,
but as he continued to talk, everything around me blurred, and I
must have looked sick because he rushed for a bedpan and pushed it
in front of me. In an instant it was real, and I was so scared
about telling you. About telling anyone.

“
I woke up the next morning sick
to the stomach, and barely ate or drank all day. I thought my skin
was going to crawl off me, and I couldn
’
t imagine it
ever getting easier. But that night I slept a little. I ate a
little. I remained scared, but I knew I had to tell you because
you
’
d be there for me. We
’
d be there for each
other.

“
And part of me feels bad for
not telling you sooner, but I guess I needed to deny everything for
a while, because this is a big deal. Whatever we tell ourselves,
life
’
s no longer the same. So, if you need to do what you
need to do, fine. I won
’
t push you. I
won
’
t force you. But I want you to know
I
’
m here for you, and that we
’
ll get through
this together.
”

Forehead heavier, shoulders and neck even more tense, I
nod.
“
Okay,
”
I whisper.
“
Okay.
”

“
I don
’
t mean to put
you on the spot
—“

“
It
’
s fine. You
aren
’
t. I know what you mean, and deep down I know
I
’
m avoiding something
…
everything. I guess
I
’
m just scared about letting you
down.
“

“
Aus, you could
never
—“

“
How do you know?
Let
’
s face it, I
’
m not the best when
it comes to this kind of thing. The way I reacted when you first
told me
…”
I
sigh.
“
I felt useless.
”

“
Don
’
t be silly, it was a
huge shock.
”

“
I know, but still. I imagined
that moment so many times in the past, and it was supposed to be a
happy one - one of those memories we could tell our kids. I want to
be strong for you
…
for us. At the minute I don
’
t feel as
useless. I think,
‘
Maybe I can do this. Maybe I
’
ll be
fine
.
’”

I
shake my head.
“
I don
’
t know. The truth
is, I have no idea what I think or feel. I
’
m sorry.
”