I Unlove You (43 page)

“
Oh, Jesus, where did I
go?
”

“
It
’
s hard to say, but
nowhere good. Stevie saw you several times,
though.
”

“
Stevie the drug dealer? That
Stevie?
”

“
Yep.
”

“
But
…
I hate that
scumbag.
”

“
Apparently not. You kept
calling him.
”

“
I called him? How did I get his
number?
”

“
The hell if I know. I
can
’
t understand the guy at the best of times, but
he
’
s especially useless at three in the morning. Anyway,
despite being baked off his face, he did call me a few times after
he saw you, although he never gave me much
information.
”

“
Why?
”

“
He
’
s a piece-of-shit,
that
’
s why. He sells crack to people and smokes more than
he sells. I
’
m lucky he called me
at all.
”

Resting my head on the back of the couch, I stare at the
blank TV screen.
“
What did I buy off him? I didn
’
t smoke crack,
did I?
”

Laughing, he wraps his giant hands around my
shoulder.
“
I don
’
t think so. You did
have quite the party, though.
”

“
More than
weed?
”

“
You kidding me? Definitely more
than weed. He couldn
’
t remember what he
gave you, but it involved a cocktail of pills, blow, and a little
acid, too.
”

“
Acid? Cocaine? What the
hell?
”

“
Whether he
’
s telling
the truth or not, I don
’
t know, but
considering the state you
’
re in,
it
’
s fair to assume you tried a few new
treats.
”

“
Why would I?
I
’
ve
never
…”

“
Once you start a rollercoaster
ride like that, you don
’
t get off without a
fight.
”

I
push my hand through my hair and massage my temples.
“
Why
didn
’
t you tell him to stop selling me
stuff?
”
I say, whining.

“
He
’
s a piece-of-shit-drug-dealer,
Aus. He
’
ll sell drugs to anyone.
”

Groaning and moaning, I pull the blanket over my head to
hide as much shame and pain as I can.
“
Fine. Fine,
”
I say, my voice
muffled by the fabric.
“
Where did I end up? If
I haven
’
t been in any bars for the last three days,
where have I been?
”

“
I
’
m not quite
sure.
”

“
But you know
everyone.
”

“
Brother, you have to understand
you
’
ve spent the last few days hanging out with a bad
crowd. I don
’
t exactly bump
shoulders with crack addicts and meth-heads,
okay?
”
He stands up and takes another swig from his hip
flask.
“
A few people do think they may have seen you, although
it
’
s hard to say because they were
high.
”

“
Who? Who saw
me?
”

“
This girl I know, Josie. She
thinks she saw you at some party in Bramley, although
I
’
m not sure she
’
s ever met you, so
she may be talking nonsense. But Ross
…
he
’
s sure he spoke to
you last night. He can
’
t remember where or
for how long, but he seemed pretty certain. The problem is, these
people are high as hell. You can
’
t believe a word
they say, which is why I
’
ve been so
worried.

“
Seriously, you scared me. At
first, I figured you were letting off steam and enjoying the bender
of a lifetime. I was actually proud, although a tad disappointed
you didn
’
t include me.
”
He sits next to me again, topping up
my coffee with another splash of whisky.
“
Last
night
…
I didn
’
t know what to do. I
didn
’
t want to call your parents because I kept thinking as
soon as I did you
’
d turn up. I
didn
’
t want to worry them or get you in trouble, so I
waited
…
and waited
…”

He
turns away from me, looking out to the darkening
Leeds
’
skyline.
“
It
’
s like reliving this craziness with
B
all over
again. You descended into a world you don
’
t belong in,
and you
’
re lucky to come out of it
unscathed.
”
He faces me now, with a half-smile and tired eyes.
“
I have no
idea where you ended up this morning, but some scumbags live near
Jim. Promise me you won
’
t do something like
this again.
”

“
I promise, Joe. And I
’
m sorry.
I don
’
t know what I was thinking.
“

“
It
’
s
fine,
”
he says, gripping my shoulder with a heavy hand.
“
You
’
re safe
and it
’
s over. I think the best thing we can both do is
forget about it.
”

“
Yeah, I know.
You
’
re right. I
’
m sorry, and thanks
for looking for me. I
’
m lucky to
have
—“

“
Say no more,
”
he says, standing up
and walking towards the kitchen.
“
You know I have your
back, although you may like to get yourself checked out in the next
day or two.
”

“
Why?
”

“
You know,
”
he says, pointing
towards my crotch.
“
Checked. Out.
”

“
You think
…
I might
have
…
No, I haven
’
t had sex with
anyone, Joe.
”

Laughing, he opens the fridge and grabs two bottles of
water.
“
You
’
ve had sex, alright.
”

“
No
…
no
…
I don
’
t feel like
I
’
ve had sex.
”

“
Trust me,
you
’
ve had lots of sex. You don
’
t go to parties
like that and not have sex.
”
He tosses me one of the bottles and
spins the other in his fingers.
“
You have one hundred
percent had sex with some suspect women you would never consider
having sex with under normal circumstances.
”
He opens the bottles
and takes a deep swig of one.
“
Hell, maybe more than
suspect girls
…”

“
Shit,
”
I say, holding my thighs.
“
Please
tell me you
’
re joking.
”

Shrugging, he sits back down beside me.
“
Anyway, how did all
this begin? Since when do you tell your boss to fuck
off?
”

Draining my mug of coffee and whisky dry, I sigh once
more.
“
I have no idea. I just lost it. I sat in the same chair I
did for my interview and considered everything
that
’
s happened since uni - not just all this shit
with
B
and the baby, but the job, and moving back home, and
becoming this lemming who wakes up each morning and does the same
thing, day in, day out. I lost it.

“
He wanted to help me, not fire
me. He knew something was wrong, but all I saw was this man who
started this nightmare. I hated him, which made me hate myself
because I
’
m the one who made the decision to get a job
like that.

“
It
’
s like
you
’
ve been saying for months, this isn
’
t me.
This isn
’
t who I want to be, and this
isn
’
t the life
B
and I talked about. Maybe this is
why she did what she did, because
—“

“
Brother,
B
didn
’
t do this because
you got a job. You know that, right? You know how crazy that
sounds?
”

“
I know, but maybe it played a
part. She didn
’
t fall in love with
a graphic designer. I write and draw and create art that
matters
,
but do you know something? I haven
’
t written or created
anything in months. I grew up pretending to be this artist who
would push against conformity and live a life of meaning, but the
moment the world pushed me back, I fell to my knees. The minute I
took that job is the minute I gave up.
”

“
Aus, that
’
s
crazy.
”

“
I don
’
t think it
is.
”

“
B
did
what she did because she chose to. It
’
s not your fault.
It
’
s not my fault. It
’
s not your
boss
’
fault. It
’
s
hers.
”

“
I know. I know, Joe, and for
the first time I honestly believe that. Waking up this morning and
seeing what she
’
s done to
me
…
I
hated her. I hated her so much.
”
I grit my teeth and clench my tender
fists.
“
But it doesn
’
t change the fact I
gave up on
me
. I know I can
’
t blame myself for
what she
’
s done, but I can
’
t blame her for all
of this, either. I took that job, and have made a whole host of
shit decisions of late; sitting in that shitty office made me
see.

“
I
’
ve been so weak and
scared. Leaving uni, taking the first job I could find, acting the
way I did when
B
told me about
…
him
…
I feel so far removed
from the guy I dreamed of becoming. I was so angry at Tony, but the
truth is, I was angry at myself. I guess I took my anger out on
myself, because why else would I do all this?
”