I Wish I Had a Red Dress (22 page)

WHEN THE PHONE RANG,
I hoped it was Nate telling me everything was okay and he was headed this way with Tee and Mavis,
but I knew it wasn’t
. There’s always a different sound to the ring when it’s one of those calls you don’t want to answer because once you do, everything changes forever and you can never take it back, no matter how hard you cry or how loud you pray.

“Hello?”

“There’s been an accident,” the voice on the other end of the line said. “You should get here as quick as you can.”

SHE SAID IT WAS
Junior. We got the hospital center in Ludington just as they were taking her into surgery and she squeezed my hand hard and told me.

“It was Junior,” she said. “I saw him!”

She had dropped Mavis at Patrice’s and gone out to get them some ice cream to celebrate. When she started back, he fell in behind her. She tried to outrun him, but the faster she went, the faster he went until she took a curve too fast. Her car left the road, flipped over twice and hit a tree. She had a broken wrist, a broken leg and a couple of cracked ribs. She kept thanking God that Mavis hadn’t been in the car. I did too. The doctor said there was nothing we could do there tonight and to come back in the morning.

We stepped out of the brightly lit hospital into the cold night
air and it felt good against my face. In the darkness, Nate loomed large beside me and I took his arm, grateful for something to hold on to. This was a nightmare.

“Let’s walk,” he said, turning us toward Lake Michigan a few blocks away. That was the best thing about this town. All you had to do was hit Main Street and keep going, and before you know it, there’s so much water a New Jersey gangster is said to have looked at it once and said admiringly,
I didn’t know they had an ocean too
.

We walked in silence until the sidewalk ended in a small strip of snow-covered beach. We stopped and just stood there, looking out at the freezing water.

Nate put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. “You’re trembling.”

I could feel myself shaking in the circle of his embrace, but it wasn’t the cold. I buried my face in his chest.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he said, holding me tighter. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” My voice was muffled against his coat.

“Yes,” he said, pulling back to look down into my face. “Yes, it is. That’s what you were trying to tell me the other night and it’s true. If I can’t figure out how to protect you from Junior, what kind of man does that make me?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

I wasn’t trying to be cruel, but it must have sounded harsher than I intended because he winced. I tried to apologize, but I couldn’t say anything, not a word, and I wondered how much anger you can show somebody, how much hard man/woman truth you can tell and still expect him to hold your head, stroke your face and carry you around in his arms like you’re his baby as well as his woman?

“You’re still shivering,” he whispered.

“I’m drowning,” I said, no longer able to blink back the tears. “I think I’m drowning.”

So he kissed me like our lives depended on it, long and deep and hard like he could pour his strength into me through sheer force of will. And we stood there in the cold wind and kissed and kissed until I wasn’t sure I could stand by myself if he stepped away, because at that moment, that kiss seemed like the only thing that could possibly keep us alive until morning, and his arms around me the only thing that could keep me from going under.

So we held on, as formless as some strange underwater beings, and at the end of that kiss, we emerged; exhausted, unsatisfied, fighting for air.

TEE WAS CRYING. HER
leg was suspended in traction and her left wrist was splinted from her knuckles to her elbow. I was holding her good hand. Her face was still bruised and slightly swollen. All of this was of great concern to Tee, not because of the pain and discomfort she was enduring, but because she didn’t want to alarm Mavis, who was staying with Deena until things got sorted out.

“I don’t want her to see me like this,” Tee was saying urgently. “All that’s gonna do is scare her to death and I’m gonna be okay, so what’s the point?”

She was getting agitated, which couldn’t be good for her. She had insisted on calling Mavis this afternoon to reassure her daughter that everything was going to be okay. Mavis had
begged to be allowed to come see her mama, and when Tee said no, she was inconsolable.

“It’s only been a day,” I said. “How about we wait until the swelling goes down a little and then you can decide?”

Tee had come through the surgery just fine, but she was pretty banged up from the accident. The doctor said she’d probably be there a week, which gave the sheriff time to locate Junior, who had disappeared without a trace.

I called Sister from the hospital so she could tell everybody what had happened and tell them to be careful. She promised to spend the day at The Circus to be sure nobody panicked. I tried to call Nikki, but her mother hadn’t seen her, and when I called the club where she was working, they said the dancers aren’t allowed to take personal calls. When I told him it was an emergency, he said, “they’re all emergencies,” and hung up the phone. I hoped Sister could reach her.

“She was
cryin’,
” Tee said, sounding drowsy and miserable.

“She misses you,” I said. “She’s fine. Don’t worry. We’ll all take good care of her.”

Tee tried to take a deep breath, but she had cracked and bruised her ribs and the effort made her wince. She closed her eyes. The painkillers they were giving her made her sleep a lot. They wanted her to lie still as much as she could, which is like wanting a tired two-year-old to stand in line quietly at the Kmart. Good idea, but it’s not gonna happen.

“You need to get some sleep,” I said. I had spent the day sitting with her, trying to reassure her that Junior would be in jail before she came home; trying to make myself believe it. “I’ll be back tomorrow morning, okay?”

“Miz J.” She opened her eyes, but I could tell she was drifting
off.
Good
. “I’m not afraid of Junior, you know? I mean, I know he’s dangerous and stuff. I know he was tryin’ to hurt me, but that’s what he’s gonna have to do because I’ve had my fill of bein’ scared, you know what I’m sayin’? Scared of my daddy. Scared of my brother. Scared of my uncles. Scared of Jimmy.
Scared all the time.
”

She yawned a huge yawn and her eyes drooped like a tired child. “But no more. You know why?” She squeezed my hand weakly. “Because all he can do is kill me, you know? And that ain’t nothin’ compared to bein’ scared all the time. That ain’t . . .” She yawned again and closed her eyes. “It ain’t nothin’. . . .”

I kissed her cheek and tiptoed out. I had promised Nate I would call him at his house when I left the hospital, but right now, I was headed for Junior’s.

OF COURSE IT WAS
a bad idea, but Tee lying in that hospital bed trying to talk herself out of being scared had made me feel crazy. I had to do
something
. I was convinced that Junior was hiding somewhere close, and if he was, his mother knew where.

Sheila hadn’t been around since the accident, but Patrice talked to her. The Lattimores had closed ranks since Junior was now an official suspect with a warrant issued for his arrest, and Sheila wasn’t allowed to communicate with the enemy camp, which was
us
.

Patrice was keeping Daryl and Duane as much as she could so they still came to day care. In all the confusion, nobody at the house seemed to miss them, or else four and five are too young to
be an official part of a feud, even a blood feud. Sheila kept telling Patrice she was going to move out as soon as the police pick up Junior, but so far, she’s still there, and he’s still
somewhere
. I hoped my unannounced arrival didn’t aggravate her circumstances, but I had no choice. I had to try to talk to her mother.

When I rang the bell, Jarvis opened the door. He looked shocked to see me.

“Hey, Jarvis,” I said, stepping in around him. He was only fifteen and an official voice and sudden adult presence still startled him long enough for me to make my move. “I came by to see your mother. Is she home?”

“Yeah, she here,” he said.
“Hey, Ma!”

She didn’t answer from whatever room she was in. The big color TV in the corner was showing a music video of a young woman in a thong and pasties wrapping herself seductively around a silver pole while young men in baggy clothes and gold teeth poured water and beer on her almost naked body. Men got arrested for that in New York City a couple of months ago and everybody wondered aloud where they learned to act so ugly.

Jarvis frowned and hollered a little louder.
“Mama!”

She appeared in the doorway of a small bedroom. “Boy, what do you think you’re—” Her eyes fell on me and she stopped midsentence and frowned.

Jarvis smirked at her reaction. “Miz Mitchell wanna see you.”

“See me about what?” she said, advancing on me angrily. “Haven’t you done enough?”

“I’m looking for your son,” I said, trying to stay calm. “Any idea where I might be able to find him?”

She stopped inches from where I was standing. “You think I’m a fool? You think I’ma tell you a damn thing, knowin’ you
just gonna run back and tell the cops?” She leaned in even closer. “I ain’t seen ‘im.
Tell ’em that!
”

“They’re going to find him sooner or later. The longer it takes, the harder they’ll be on him,” I said.

She sneered at me and stepped back a little. “They gonna be hard on ‘im anyway. There ain’t no place in this damn country for strong niggas. Niggas who don’t bow down and kiss a cracker’s ass!”

There weren’t any white people around for miles, and as far as I know, none of them had required a booty smooch from Junior. “What does that have to do with this?”

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand!” She spit the words at me. “My boys ain’t no punks! I got five sons and ain’t a one of them got sugar in his blood.”

I realized suddenly that coming here was an even worse idea than I had thought. It was time to go. “All right,” I said. “I’m sorry I bothered you.”

“Yeah, you should be,” she hissed. “If these girls would stop tryin’ to trick my boys into havin’ babies wit’ ‘em, they wouldn’t be havin’ all this trouble in the first place.”

I reached for the door, but she snatched it open before I could touch it. “She brought this on herself. If she’da stayed outta my boy’s business, wouldn’t none of this happened.”

That was going too far. I stepped out on the porch and looked at her. “If anything happens to Tomika Jackson, I’m going to hold you personally responsible.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Ain’t nobody got to force me to take responsibility for my kids! I always have and I always will!”

She said it like it was an accomplishment in which she took great pride. Her lifetime achievement: a house full of angry,
abusive young men and one completely cowed young woman. She must be real proud of that, but I had had my fill. She slammed the door as I headed for my car.

Something made me look around before I drove off, and there was Sheila peeking out the front window. She raised her hand quickly, waved once and was gone.

IT’S AMAZING HOW QUICKLY
it’s possible to adjust your routine to accommodate the unthinkable. It’d been three days since Junior ran Tee off the road and he was still at large. The state police put out a bulletin, but so far they hadn’t been able to find him. His car hadn’t turned up, which was all the proof Sheriff Tyler required to convince himself (and try to convince me!) that Junior was probably long gone to Chicago or Detroit by now. An interesting theory, but Junior is not a rich gangster, he’s a broke thug. Going on the lam for him probably means laying low on somebody’s living-room couch until all this blows over.

Deena and Patrice had really kept things going smoothly at The Circus. Everybody was helping out more since I was still spending a lot of time at the hospital. That was one of the real
revelations for me in the midst of all this. When it’s time to step up,
they can step up
.

I was at the hospital Sunday night, but they still ran
Carmen Jones
for a capacity audience without a glitch. Afterward, Lynette and Geneva talked about the premiere and answered questions for almost an hour. Before they left, they gave Deena a letter for Tee that I delivered the next day.

My brave girl (it said in Lynette’s spidery hand),

you are in our prayers and in our hearts. We hope you are doing what the doctors say and will be home soon. We are enclosing a few dollars in case you want some magazines to pass the time and nobody thought to bring them. We also recommend chocolate bars to keep up your morale. We like the ones with almonds. Stay strong!

Tee was delighted. Her spirits were much better since she and Mavis had established regular communication via the telephone and small notes I’d carry back and forth between them like Judith Exner shuttling dutifully between John Kennedy and Sam Giancana. Tee was almost ready to let Mavis see her, and I promised to bring her the day I got the okay.

The doctors said she was making excellent progress and might be able to come home in a couple of days, which was, on the one hand, great news, and, on the other, the source of a lot of stress for all of us. With Junior still roaming the woods, or whatever he was doing to stay out of sight, we couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t try to hurt Tee again once she got out of the hospital. She was going to be on crutches for at least another month and her level of vulnerability really worried me. I had suggested that she consider moving in with me, but she said she wanted to
go home, so I let it slide. I had a few more days to convince her before she was actually going anywhere.

I hadn’t seen Nate since the day after the accident. We spent that night in the hospital waiting room and he drove me home the next day, but since then, we’d just been missing each other. We kept leaving messages, and we were having dinner tomorrow with Sister and Bill, but the truth was, I didn’t really want to see him yet. That free-floating rage Bill was talking about seemed to have taken up residence inside me and I didn’t want to bring that to Nate. He doesn’t deserve it no matter what the angry sister in my head keeps saying about how they all deserve it.

I keep thinking about what I could have done, what
we
could have done to keep this from happening. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that there didn’t seem to be anything we could have done short of hiding in the bushes and blowing Junior’s brains out as soon as we realized he was a threat, but that’s no solution. Gandhi said “an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind,” and I believe it, but the helplessness I feel keeps churning around and coming out anger. Not at Junior, but at all the ones Nate calls “the good guys.” What good are they if they can’t protect us any better than this?