Identical (5 page)

I don’t think a judge

should be antisocial.

Can’t talk about my father.

Too much to say that can’t

be said. I pull away from Ian’s

hug. “You’re probably right.”

So, may I walk you home?

Or would you rather ride?

“Two blocks? Think we can

walk it. But hey, if you be

really, really nice, I’ll let

you give me a ride to work.”

Deal. Being nice to you is easy,

even when you try to avoid me.

Is so happy Ian won’t let me avoid

him, won’t let me push him away.

What I don’t understand is why not.

I mean, girls hit on him all the time.

Over the years he has gone out

with a few. But he never gets serious.

I know he wants to get serious.

He’s definitely not a player, not

a poser, not a loser, not a user.

Ian wants deep down forever love,

love he knows he can count on.

And that so sets him up for hurt.

Last year he and Katie were an item

for several months. After he broke

up with her, I asked what happened.

We were on the hill behind

his house, soaking up April sun.

Katie’s great
, he said.
Pretty. Sweet
.

“So what, then?” I asked, knowing

the answer but wanting to hear it.

(And realizing how selfish that was.)

He turned his face away from me,

into the spring breeze.
She’s great,

he repeated.
But she’ll never be you.

Then he looked straight into my eyes.

I love you, and I know you know how

much. I also know there’s something

that keeps you from loving me back.

What is it, Kaeleigh? Is it me?

Because I swear I’ll change….

“No! It’s not you. Oh Ian, you’re

the absolute best. If I could love

anyone, it would be you. I want…”

The rest, the “to love you” stuck

like a giant wad of gum in my throat.

Ian pulled me into him, held me close.

Please!
he pleaded. And then he kissed

me. Gently. And I kissed him back,

but only for a second because suddenly

all I could see was a featureless

face, with a wide, sour mouth

coaxing,
Please, baby. I won’t hurt you.

Fear enveloped me, clasped itself

around me. I couldn’t shake

free, struggled to find breath.

Still seeking air, I jerked back.

I will never forget the look on

Ian’s face, contorted with my pain.

What the fuck is it, Kaeleigh?

Whatever it is, don’t leave it

inside. Someday you’ll implode.

Trembling, eyes burning, I reached

for his hand. “I know. I only hope

you won’t have to clean up the mess.”

Though, I have to admit,

sometimes (maybe even often)

I wish

I would. Wish I could

just get it over with. But it’s

not going to happen right

this moment

so I’ll go to work instead.

Arms tight around Ian’s waist,

cool October wind in my face,

I truly wish the power of his love

could eclipse

the overwhelming shame.

He deserves someone better

than me, someone pure. Worthy.

The shadows

bend long toward evening

as the Yamaha quiets to a stutter.

A cloud of regret boils up,

rains sadness down all

around me

and as I climb from the bike,

a strange desire grips me. I can

do this. Want to do this.

I steel myself against the specters

always haunting me,

gather all my inner strength,

softly kiss the promise of his lips.

Mick’s ex, the operative two

letters being
e
and
x
. Why

can’t she just leave him

alone? She’s totally

wrong for him. Anyway,

it was her decision for them

to break up. A very good decision.

First of all, Mick’s out of

school. Graduated, bottom

of his class, two years ago.

Madison is the type who needs

a guy on her arm at school,

someone to flaunt, someone

cute she can order around.

More to the point, the only

drugs Madison will likely

ever do are steroids. She’s

a total mainstream jock.

Softball team. Swim team.

Golf team. If it means creaming

an opponent, she’s all over it.

Could be why she’s hustling

Mick now. When he was up

for grabs, she couldn’t care

less about scratching his

figurative itch. All it took

was his hooking up with me,

and out came her stubby claws.

Well, mine are a whole

lot sharper, though she

doesn’t seem to realize it.

Just wait till I dig them

into that sun-toughened

jockette hide. Then it won’t

matter if I can’t scream.

For both of us, and I do look forward

to that. Ooh. Was that mean? Maybe.

But hey, I’m sick and tired of playing

passive. No, I’ll leave that to Kaeleigh.

Kaeleigh, queen of passive, all the time

saying no, but not strong enough

to mean it. Not strong enough to fight.

Not anywhere near as strong as me.

I have to say I rather enjoyed verbally sparring

instead of retreating. Once I finally caught

my breath, I climbed up into the Avalanche,

slid across the seat, almost into Mick’s lap.

He turned (not quite quick enough, but it

was what it was), grinning.
’Bout time you

got here. I almost took off without you.

Unsaid words hung like a heavy curtain:

Without you. And with Madison.
I pretended

not to hear them, not to get mad at them.

Ignoring Ms. Jock completely, I looked straight

into his eyes. “Really? And miss out on this?”

Then I kissed him. Hard. Wet. Sharp stabs

of tongue. My fingers drifted in between

his thighs, finding exactly what they expected.

Madison gave a little gasp. “Oh,” I said. “Sorry,

didn’t mean to offend you.” I laughed. Mick

joined me, then said,
That’s my cue. See ya, Mad.

Madison puffed up red, venomous

as an adder. Holy crud. I’ve never

seen anyone flip from flirt to viper

so quickly. Totally scary!

She didn’t budge as we backed out

of the parking space. Just stood

there, boiling, not a word escaping

her lips. But her eyes said plenty:

I’ll get you back. Wait and see.

I smiled, moved even closer to Mick,

making steering problematic.
Could

you give me an inch or two, please?

he said. I gave him a lot more than that.

In fact, once we were well beyond

Madison’s sight, I scooted clear over

by the opposite door, clamped my mouth

shut before I said something I’d regret.

C’mon. Not my fault she’s still hot for me.

He reached across the seat, grabbed

hold of my arm. Pulled. When I resisted,

he yanked harder. Hard enough to hurt.

Hard enough to leave purple bruises.

Someone smart would have screamed.

Someone sane would have waited

for a stop sign, thrown themselves free.

Someone whole would have said no.

Get the fuck over here and don’t give me shit.

I did as instructed. Worse, I liked that he told

me what to do. It meant he cared, really cared.

Right? Whatever. “Did you score some bud?”

I asked, more to change the subject than anything.

Under the seat. Twist one up, okay?
We headed

out Happy Canyon Road, only horses and cattle

to mind our business. We could have gone home—

no one there—but I was still too mad for sex.

You know you want me. You’d take slimy seconds.

Gross. “Yeah, right. Like your pimply butt

is such a turn-on.” It isn’t too pimply, and it’s

kind of a turn-on, but that was beside the point.

His hand brushed my left nipple.
You love it.

“Not while wondering who you’re thinking

about, Madison or me.” I took a deep drag,

held it. Took another without passing the joint,

exhaling giant smoke puffs right in his face.