If I Break THE COMPLETE SERIES Bundle (104 page)

“You have an hour to get dressed or I’m leaving you,” he says, his voice and tone distinctive and completely different from the voice I’ve been hearing for the past few weeks. One that was almost forgotten but is etching itself in my memory again, vibrating through me.

I try to think of how the old Lauren would respond and compare it to the Lauren I’ve been the past few weeks. I can’t help wondering…who am I now? The Lauren of yesterday is gone, obliterated. He fucked the complete life out of her. I try to find the words of who I should be, but I’m at a complete loss. Nothing I can think of seems adequate so I stay perfectly still and quiet. That’s not something I’ve ever done before. I turn to see him disappear into the bathroom, bare as an egg, body of a god, and with the attitude of a spoiled six year old.

He’s still upset. But from what I’ve learned about Chris in the weeks I’ve been getting to know him is that Chris forgives easily and I know from past experiences that Cal holds grudges like a hoarder. I get up from the bed and try to think. What we did last night wasn’t making love. It was the opposite and I don’t know how to feel about that.

I don’t know what to do but I have to tell his parents. I can’t avoid them because they have Caylen and I can’t tell Cal. I’ve never been so confused in my life. My eyes make a sweep of the room in a frantic search for my clothes. Of course my clothes aren’t in here. They’re somewhere on the first floor of the suite. I grab the sheet, wrap it around myself, and head downstairs. My clothes are strewn all across the room. I grab each piece from where it lay scattered all over the place and put them on. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot my phone, the alert light blinking, beckoning me. I’m afraid to see how many messages are on it. I take a deep breath and see that I have 18 missed calls and 12 voice messages. I scroll through and see the numbers from Gwen, Lisa, and Helen.

Shit.

I don’t know what to tell these people. I don’t expect Cal
to tell them anything. I scroll through the numbers and dial Helen’s. It goes to voice mail. I call Lisa’s. I can’t call Mrs. Scott. I can’t tell her any of this over the phone. I glance back towards the room.

I don’t know why I feel like I have to sneak and do this. Should I do this? Ugh! I’m not going to drive myself crazy about this. It’s time to cut the bullshit. I head back up stairs and into the bedroom. I hear the shower running.

“I’ve been thinking of whether I should call your parents or not,” I say loud enough for him to hear me over the water. He doesn’t say anything.

“They have Caylen. I’m going to have to tell them something. I was going to call and tell them without speaking with you but I’m trying to start something new. I want nothing but open and honest communication between us. So can you let me know your thoughts on that?” I say in almost one breath. He steps out the shower and I force my eyes to stay on his face and go nowhere else but the wall between us is back up again. His eyes are on me and I can’t read him. His stare is blank but he steps towards me, completely naked with a sly smirk stretched across his face. My breath hitches as he reaches behind me to grab a towel and wipes his face before wrapping it around his waist.

“Are you going to say anything?” I ask him, feeling my stoic façade begin to crumble beneath me. He bites his lips trying to suppress the smile I see peeking through. He likes me upset. How could I forget?

“Fine,” I say, pulling out my phone. “I’ll give them a call.” Before I can even get my thumb to touch a button, he’s snatches it from my hand. I expect him leave the room or to even flush it down the toilet but he doesn’t. He hits a few keys and the phone starts to ring on speaker.

“Lauren, where the hell are you and why haven’t you been answering our calls?”

It’s Mr. Scott, and my eyes widen.

“Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” Cal’s voice sends a chill through my spine. There’s a stunned silence on the other end. Mr. Scott is obviously at a loss for words.

“If you ever speak to my wife like that again, I’m going to break your fucking legs,” he says, his grip tightening on the phone.

“We’ll be there to get our daughter tonight. I’ll call you when we’re a few minutes away. Have her dressed and ready to leave.” He hangs up and tosses the phone to me before stepping closer, his arm wrapping around my back, pulling me towards him and leaning down to my ear.

“I’m not a little boy. I thought I reminded you of that last night,” he says huskily, his grip tightening on my waist.

“Chris’s parents don’t scare me. Dexter has no authority over me. I can give a shit what anyone else thinks about me being back. You can call and alert the newspaper if you feel the need to. 
You’r
e either in this with me or you’re not. Chris won’t be back anytime soon,” he says, letting me go and leaving the bathroom. My phone begins to ring again. I’m guessing it’s probably a not-so-stunned Mr. Scott calling back in a fury but, when I glance down, I see that it’s Lisa. She’s called me at least four times. I shake my head and pick up.

“Hey, Lisa,” I say, trying my best to mask the utter terror pumping through my veins.

“Lauren, have you talked to Chris? I’ve been trying to call him and…” Before she can finish, Cal’s back in front of me and snatches the phone from my hand.

“Don’t ever call me or Lauren again. I’m not kidding! If you do, I will ruin you. Stay the fuck away!”

I stand in front of him in complete shock. “Do you even know who that was?”

“Don’t fucking answer for her,” he says bitterly, before leaving the room. I follow.

“What’s your problem with Lisa!?” I ask, exasperated.

“I mean it,” he says pointedly.

“Is this about her not wanting to sleep with you?” I told Lisa I wouldn’t tell Chris but this is Cal. A condescending laugh escapes him.

“Is that what that lying little cunt told you?” he says, throwing on his clothes.

“How about you tell me? How about you tell me about everything?” I say, grabbing his wrist. “About why you hate your parents…”

“I don’t hate my parents,” he says abruptly.

“Your dad,” I reiterate. “What happened to make you like this?”

“Like what? Like me? What screwed me up so bad to bring me about? Is that what you’re asking me?!”

“That’s not what I meant,” I say quietly.

“No, that’s
exactly
what you meant,” he spits back.

“Don’t turn this around on me. This is bigger than you and me now. We have a daughter, Cal,” I plead.

“You’re not my fucking shrink, Lauren. You’re my
wife
. The woman
 I
 asked to marry 
me.
 You know everything now so let’s get past this. I’m ready to get back to normal. No more of this bullshit.”

“Normal? What we had is not normal. Just be honest with me.
Please.
Don’t I deserve that at least?”

“Why do you think I know everything?” he asks quietly.

I hesitate. He should know everything, right? He has to; he’s the alter. But how do I say that without it being an insult? Looking at him, I can’t say it. I still don’t want to admit it. I am mad at him, but I don’t want to hurt him—I
never
wanted to hurt Cal—and if I say it out loud right in front of him, I know it would hurt him. Or maybe I’m just afraid of saying it, of saying those actual words.

“You can say it, Lauren. I won’t melt. I’m not a mythical creature,” he says with an amused grin.

“I can only go off of what I know and you haven’t told me anything.”

“I don’t know who your loyalty lies with. So I’ll pass for now,” he says wryly.

“What are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I mean. We can save a lot of time if you stop playing stupid. Remember that I know you like the back of my hand.”

He has a lot fucking nerve. Of course, he does. It is Cal after all? He doesn’t know who my loyalty lies with? I waited for him for two years after he walked out on me. Yet, he questions my loyalty? I don’t understand what else I need to do to prove my loyalty to him. Why am I paying for a mistake I wasn’t aware I’d made? I’m trying so hard to keep my emotions in check, especially my anger and my frustration. It’s taking nearly all of my willpower to remain calm and not fly off the handle again.

But, like always, Cal has a way of pushing my buttons. He can’t think I’m going to go along with this—all his secrets, living a lie, pretending to be happy about the very thing that unraveled our marriage. He steps toward me, closing the distance between us. His gray eyes cling to mine, as if he’s reading my mind.

“Don’t worry, gorgeous. You’ll know everything soon. Just make sure you’re ready for it.” At that, he leaves me standing where I am with more questions than answers. Cal has always had a knack for leaving me stupefied. His statement isn’t a simple declaration; it’s more like a threat. But he doesn’t get to do this to me anymore. I could easily retaliate with the threat of leaving. But I can’t bring myself to do it. I have a daughter to think about. And then there’s Chris. I feel a world of responsibility on my shoulders and I don’t know how long I can hold it all up.

“I’ll meet you downstairs,” he says, as he heads out the door.

How do I do this? I can’t walk out on him. He’s mentally unstable but I can’t go through a life of secrets anymore! It’s Cal but he’s different, a little colder, a little rawer, uncensored and unpredictable, and there’s no way I can let him out of my sight.

I try to gather my thoughts as I make my way downstairs. They’re everywhere, on everything. I feel powerless, more than I ever have before. I walk out of the hotel and see him sitting in the Audi. I take a deep breath before getting in. I feel like I’m slipping back into my old life. He’s
still
angry but he’s
still
here with me and that means all hope isn’t completely lost. I’m not as powerless as I thought. We’re both at odds, but we
still
love each other. I used to think of it as only my weakness but now I know it’s his weakness too and I fully intend to use it to try to fix this mess—
if
we can be fixed.

“So what’s the plan?” I try to keep bitter sarcasm out my voice but I’m sure it’s not working. “We just go back to being how we were before? Let’s remember, things weren’t exactly peachy.”

He doesn’t even glance my way.

“And I’m supposed to pretend that the past two years haven’t happened? That I don’t know the truth?”

“Can you just enjoy the fucking ride?” he says as if he is annoyed with me. I exhale and take a breath. I don’t know how many breaths I can take to keep from exploding on his nonchalant, arrogant ass! Thank God I have been able to practice exercising my patience with Chris these past few weeks. Talking to him is useless at this point so I won’t say anything to him until I have the right words to say. I turn my attention towards the window, looking out over the city that I drove into with a vastly different man. My thoughts are interrupted when I hear him chuckle. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him with an amused grin on his face.

“What happened to you?” he asks, amused.

“I grew up. You should try it sometime.”

He grins. “I think there is more to it than that.”

“Don’t play psychiatrist with me if you don’t want me to play one with you,” I spit back at him.

He laughs at that, but he doesn’t retort. That is a first. His silence is unexpected and a little unnerving.

“Did you miss me?”

These words surprise me, he even sounds sincere. My eyes trail over to him and for a moment I want to call a truce but we both have our walls up for our own reasons. “Of course I did.”

“Did you miss me when you were with him?”

I wonder if it’s always going to be like this—a contest between the two of them. I want to comment on it but I decide against it and I tell him the truth. “
Especially 
when I was with him.”

He looks over at me, a hint of disbelief lingering on his expression. Did my sleeping with Chris cause him to think that we have nothing, that my feelings for him are gone? There are so many questions I want to ask him but I know he won’t answer most of them, so I ask him the simplest while he’s in a talking mood.