If I Can't Have You (10 page)

And even though I know Whit is an attention junkie, and sometimes self-centered, I know her. She’d never deliberately try to hurt me or keep something important from me. Especially if she knew that whatever she knew was going to hurt me.

I feel terrible for lashing out at her the way I did. She didn’t deserve that. I abandon my search for Drake and head back toward the bonfire. I need to find Whit and apologize. I need to make things right between us because as much as I hate to admit it, this is all my fault.

Jogging, I make it make to the bonfire in about ten minutes and when I reach I stop for a moment to catch my breath. As I examine the crowd of people left, I notice that Whit isn’t there. So where is she?

Spinning around, I smack into someone and Elliot, places his hands on my shoulder, steadying me. My eyes roll up and focus on his as a huge smile curls on his lips. “Hey, there,” he greets me and slowly drops his hands.

“Hi, Elliot.” I step away from him, putting a half of a foot between us. “Have you seen Whitney?”

Elliot drops his gaze and kicks up sand with his tan, bare foot. “She left a while ago.” He picks up his head and tilts it. “She seemed pretty upset.”

“Yeah.” I hang my head down and sigh. “We sorta got into a fight.”

Elliot nods. “I kinda got that impression.”

“Why? Did she say something to you?”

“Yeah.” Elliot mimics a face Whitney would make. “She’s unbelievable!”

I laugh and lift my head. “That is sooo Whitney.”

He shoves his hands in his pockets and nods toward the row of houses. “She’s probably at the house.”

“Yeah. Thanks.” I turn to walk home and stop. I glance over my shoulder at Elliot, still wondering if he put Whitney up to seeking me out with the important information. Elliot pivots on his heel and starts walking in the opposite direction. “Elliot!” He stops and turns around, his eyes searing into mine. “Do you know what she wanted to tell me?”

A phantom-like expression crosses over his beautiful face, and then he sighs, “I have no idea.”

I stand there, lost in a trance. An odd flutter swims through my insides like a dolphin gliding through the clear blue sea and a twinge of pain circles my heart as Elliot slouches forward, walking away from me into the night, nearing the crashing water.

And as I watch him walk away, I’m thinking that maybe I do feel something for Elliot. Something more than I’m prepared to admit.

~14~

A friend is someone who can see the truth and pain in you even when you are fooling everyone else. ~Author Unknown~

Whit isn’t in our room and I feel like I’ve walked through the house a million times and there’s still no sign of her. I decide to do a perimeter check. Sometimes when Whit gets upset she likes to sit outside somewhere and watch the stars. There have been times in the past where I’ve found her in the strangest places; the roof, my trampoline, even on the hood of mom’s mini-van.

“It’s crazy how they’re burning a million miles away and we can still see them isn’t it?” she’d say.

I’d nod in agreement.

On the front step, I scan the row of beach houses. It’s dark, but the bonfire is still blazing twenty feet away and the glow from the fire illuminates the first few houses. I decide to walk down the row to see if maybe Whit wandered off to cool down.

The truth is I feel like crap for acting the way I did. Whit’s never been dishonest or ever tried to do the things I accused her of. She’s always been supportive, always been there when I needed her, and I know she was just trying to help me by telling me something she thought was important.

But what was it about Drake that she needed to tell me? Hopefully it’s not anything bad. But then again, if it wasn’t bad I know she’d never tell me to “stay away from him.” And that’s exactly what she said. A deep plunging fear lingers in my stomach and inside I know that I’m not going to want to hear what she has to say.

After walking down the entire row of houses twice, I still can’t find Whit and now the bonfire has died down slightly. A dim glow of orange flames flicker against the white siding of our house and I can make out a few couples left in beach chairs, sitting around the fire, making out. I squint, trying to see clearer and take a few steps closer.

Maybe Whit picked up a random hottie and decided to play ‘your tongue or mine.’

She’s definitely done things like that in the past, but as I near the remaining couples at the bonfire I see that she opted out of a steamy make out session.

Frustrated, I walk back to our beach house and check the inside again. Still no Whit.

My parents are playing poker with the Marshalls and I can hear the distant chatter echoing through the air. That makes me feel better. I know they’ll be over there for a while and that saves me from having to explain why Whit and I are arguing in the first place.

I make my way to the back of the house and snatch a beach chair that was propped up against the frame. Then I open it up and flop down in it, getting comfortable. I’ll just wait up for her. I tell myself that I’ll sit here all nice if I have to. She’ll have to come back to the house eventually.

I close my eyes and listen to the soothing sound of the water, honestly the sound of the waves slapping into the sand makes me sleepy. My eyelids are heavy and I keep blinking just to stay awake. But I can’t. Seconds later my eyes are closed and my head is slumped to the side and I pray to God that I’m not drooling on myself when someone finds me.

****

“Hey!” I hear Whit’s voice and then I hear her snapping her fingers. “Hey, Robs! Wake up!”

My eyes snap open and I bolt upright in the chair. “What?” Instinctively, my arms sweep across my face. I didn’t drool. I squint up at Whitney who looks relaxed. Maybe she’s not mad anymore. “What time is it?”

“A little after one.”

After my eyes adjust to the darkness I sit up more. “Where did you go? I was looking for you?”

Whit sits down in the sand next to me. “I just went for a walk along the beach.” She shrugs. “You know, to cool off.”

I nod and exhale. “Whit look, I’m sorry for acting the way I did. It’s just you know how I feel about Drake. You know how long I’d waited for that moment.” I’d thought about that moment since I was fifteen years old.

“I know,” she says softly. “But that’s exactly why you should have let me talk. Because I know how much you’ve liked him. I know how you feel about him, Robs.”

“I more than like him, Whit.”

“Oh, no.” Whit stands and shakes her head. “Don’t do this. Do not fall for a guy like him.”

I stand and cross my arms. “What do you mean a guy like him?” It’s too late. I’ve already fallen. In fact I’m buried.

“Just trust me, Robs. He’s not a good guy. He’s an ass.”

“What has gotten into you? How do you know?”

“Because I—.” Whit snaps her head to the left. “Did you hear that?”

I stand and turn around, squinting into the darkness as light brushing noise fills up my ears. “Yeah.”

“What is it?”

“It could be an animal.”

Before I can protest, Whit is on her way over there and I follow her. There’s a row of shrubs on the side of the Marshall’s beach house and the shrubs are moving. I don’t like this scenario one bit. “Whit,” I whine, shuddering on the walk over. “What if it bites?”

Whit flashes me a patronizing look. “We don’t even know if it’s an animal.” She faces forward. “What if it’s a burglar?”

I laugh so hard I snort. “I’ve been vacationing here my whole life and there has never once been a robbery.”

Whit and I get closer to the shrub and I find her arm in the darkness. I stay a step behind her as she pushes away the shrubs and then I notice two sets of feet. “Son of a bitch!” Whit shouts.

I push her out of the way and glare down, mouth open, heart beating rapidly as I take in the sight of Drake and Sadie both naked, mouths smashed together in a passionate lip lock, and limbs tangled in the mess of shrubbery.

And that’s when my heart falls out of its cavity and plummets into the pit of my stomach.

~15~

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.
 
~Author Unknown~

I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

Pain snakes through my chest and circulates through my entire body.

Drake pushes himself away from Sadie and scrambles to get his clothes on. There’s panic in his eyes and he’s hopping on one leg as he puts each foot through his board shorts.

The pain inside of me intensifies and throbs all over and I’m certain that at any second it will kill me.

I’ve never felt so betrayed. Never felt so hurt and useless. I can’t handle this. Seeing him and her like together in that way. My ex friend and the boy I’ve pined for, for like ever, hooking up. This is too much. Too hard. Too agonizing.

Drake never asked me to be exclusive. To be his girlfriend, but he made me think that’s where our time together was heading. By his comments. His actions.

Robin, my beautiful singing bird.

Fuck that. And fuck him.

All I want to do is run. Run fast. And run as far away from Drake as I can. So that’s exactly what I do. I take off running.

“Kid, wait!” Drake calls.

I don’t want to listen to him. I don’t want to be near him. I want to go home and forget this vacation. I want to forget Paradise.

This place isn’t Paradise, it’s a shit hole.

Footsteps pound behind me, but I charge forward, faster. I pump my legs as hard as I can and run down the beach. I have to get away, as far away as I can.

Whit shouts for me. Then Drake. Whit. Then Drake. Pretty soon I’m so far away and their voices are so blended together that I can’t tell which one is which anymore. I keep running and eventually they both give up and I stop a mile or two away from my house and hunch over, sobbing into the sand.

How could I be so stupid? How could I be so stupid to think that someone like Drake would actually want someone like me? How could I be so oblivious to Sadie and the random person she’d been texting since she got here? She’s probably been talking to him the whole time.

And Drake…

I’ve built him up for years like a game of Jenga. Every summer I’d add another block of perfection to the stack I’d already created and it wasn’t even close to toppling over.

Until now. The blocks are scattered across the sand. I’ve lost the game.

I hit my knees sobbing, harder as my chest heaves in and out and then my whole body goes limp and I fall forward. Wet sand is smeared all over my arms, my face; it’s even in my hair. The crisp water glides forward, crawling across the sand and crashes into me soaking me. I’m wet. Wet with tears. Wet with salt water. And wet inside. There’s a flood in the pit of my stomach. All of my organs are floating and it’s only a matter of time before I cry them out too.

Of all people for him to do this to me with he does it with Sadie. Sadie! I lift my head slowly and gaze out at the water. The white rolling caps and choppy navy blue waves remind me of the way I feel inside. Rough. Broken. And mangled. Like a predator that has just used its long claws on my face and scratched and scratched and scratched until all that’s left are strips of dangling flesh.

I hear Whit calling for me again and I can hear her footsteps as they pound into the sand, but I don’t turn around. I’m not ready for the “I tried to tell you” lecture and I know she’s going to try and give it. She’s only feet away now and I listen to her raspy breaths. She wheezing and coughing. Yeah, she’s not the most athletic person.

Swallowing the lump in my throat I raise my hand before she can even reach me. “Save it!” I snap. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“I wasn’t going to lecture you,” she says in between breaths.

I narrow my eyes as she plops down next to me and she rolls her eyes. “Okay. So maybe I was going to add in one I tried to warn you.”

“How did you know?”

“About him and Sadie?”

I nod.

“I heard her talking about him at the bonfire and showing someone a text he’d sent her.”

“Oh God,” I bury my head in my hands and my upper body shakes. Right now I don’t even hate him as much as I hate myself for letting myself get so involved in something that I had doubts about from the beginning.

Whit wraps her arm around me and pulls me close. I dip my head in against her shoulder and I can feel more sobs coming on. “Robs? You gonna be okay?”

“I don’t know.”

I really want to tell her that I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again. I want to tell her that I feel like my heart is permanently broken and I’m not sure if it will ever get put back together again. But I can’t because not only is my heart broken, but my mind is in pieces and there’s no way I can have a conversation right now.

Whit understands. She pulls me closer and smooths the hair back from my forehead and I keep my head against the crook between her neck and shoulder blade and cry harder than I ever have in my entire life.