If I Can't Have You (19 page)

His comment stabs at my heart and I clutch my chest as the pain deepens and starts throbbing. I suck back oncoming tears and swallow hard before uttering, “How can you say that? Are you listening to yourself? I am nothing like Drake.”

Drake is a lot of things. He’s beautiful, charming, and sexy.

And he knows it.

 
Despite what he has told me in the past I know he’s the type of guy who takes what he wants, does whatever he wants with it, and he doesn’t care who has to hurt to get what he wants. He carries with him a sense of entitlement along with selfishness and conceit and jealousy. No matter what Elliot says I know I am nothing like that. Why? Because I have compassion for other people’s feelings.

Believe me; I have moments where I act out of stupidity. I make stupid decisions, have involuntary brain farts, and have plenty of moments where I want to punch myself in the face for doing the wrong thing. But most of those situations are misconstrued or I’ve done something absentmindedly. I’ve never hurt anyone’s feelings intentionally or even tried to.

Sometimes I think I care about other people’s feelings too much. Mainly because I always ask myself how I’d feel if I was in their shoes.

Elliot clenches his jaw and sneers, “But you are just like him. You knew how I felt about you. I poured my heart out to you.” He raises his voice. “I’ve never done that with any other girl! But I did it with you, Robin! I opened myself up because I thought you were different, but I guess I was wrong.” Elliot lifts his chin and starts backing away. “You’re not different, Robin. You are just like him. Obviously you didn’t care about my feelings at all because even if I didn’t catch you somebody else would have and they would have told me.”

“Different how, Elliot? Is it because I’m not that pretty?” I struggle as the words leave my lips. Somehow I always revert back to that. I always revert back to the fact that I’m plain and normal and clearly not beautiful enough for him. I think of this because I assume maybe someone radiantly beautiful, like Elliot would fall for me because he thought a normal girl would never hurt him.

“That has nothing to do with this!” he shrieks. “And how could you even think that of me? Robin, I don’t think you’re pretty. I think you’re gorgeous. I think you’re smart and funny!” He rakes a hand through his hair then clenches his fists at his sides. “I thought you were loyal. Which is why I said you’re not the person I thought you were. And that’s why I said you’re just like my brother!”

His words melt my insides and more tears stream from my eyes. “He kissed me!” I’ve reached the point where I’m shouting. “I didn’t want him to and I didn’t even enjoy it!”

Elliot narrows his eyes. “You sure looked like you weren’t enjoying it,” he says sarcastically. “For God’s sake you were making out with him in the middle of a fucking fair!”

“Not intentionally! Damn you Elliot, listen to me! I’m trying to you that I want you! I don’t care about Drake!”

Elliot shakes his head and turns his back to me. “Too bad you have a funny way of showing it.”

He reaches his boat and hops over the side of it. I follow him down the dock. I stand across from him, tears streaming down my cheeks, anguish written all over my face. I reach out for him with trembling fingers, but he just stares at me emotionless. “Elliot, please. Don’t do this. What was I supposed to do, huh? Did you want me to slug him?” Violence is not my style.

Elliot reaches over the side of the boat and pulls the anchor out of the water. Then he removes a rope that’s wrapped around a wooden post. “Maybe this is my fault too,” he says calmly. “I should have never let myself fall for someone who clearly has the hot’s for my brother.”

“I don’t have the hot’s for your brother,” I tell him as a thick wad of saliva takes up residence in my throat.

He leans over the side of the boat again placing both of his palms on the dock. He’s inches away from me and I can feel the heat from his body radiating onto mine. I reach out and touch his arm, desperate to feel his warm flesh beneath my fingertips, but the second I do, he yanks his arm away as if he’s disgusted by my touch, then he pushes the boat away from the dock with his free hand.

He boat drifts away from the dock and I listen as the engine roars, coming to life. Part of me is tempted to jump into the water and make a swim for it. I need him to let me finish. I need him to understand the way I feel about him. More than anything I need him to know that if I can’t have him, I don’t want anybody else.

I’ve heard people say that love doesn’t happen overnight. I’ve heard them say that it takes years to truly love someone. But that’s not true. I refuse to believe it. You can feel it in an instant. Sometimes all it takes is one glance and you know because loving someone is that powerful, that meaningful, that one true thing.

 
Love can happen overnight and it did with me and Elliot. I know it and can feel it just like I feel my heart beating in my chest.

So just before Elliot speeds off into the darkness I shout, “Please don’t go, Elliot. I love you! Don’t turn your back on me!”

But he doesn’t hear me. The roaring engine of the boat is too loud. Instead he gives me a tortured glance, bites his bottom lip, shakes his head and speeds off into the darkness.

I hit my knees, still calling out his name, but pretty soon he’s so far away I can’t even hear the boat engine. I feel sick and empty and lost. I feel broken and damaged and a dull pain throbs in my side. If this is what real heartbreak feels like I’m glad I’ve never experienced it before.

What I felt when Drake betrayed me was minor compared to this. What I felt when Drake betrayed me was like a tiny pin-prick to the heart. And this…

This feeling…

It feels like all of my organs are covered in flames. Burning and burning and burning. There’s nothing to put out the fire.

Yeah, love fucking hurts.

~27~

It is worth it to give love everything you have.

I’ve tried calling Elliot. He won’t return any of my calls. I’ve texted too.

Elliot plz talk 2 me

I’ve been tryin 2 get a hold of u

Plz text me back

He won’t return my texts either.

 
I’ve walked up and down the beach several times and I haven’t seen him around. I even went down to the docks. His boat is parked in its usual spot, but he isn’t there. So after pleading with my mom for thirty minutes, I get her to let me use the car.

I ask Whit if she wants to come, but she declines and says she’ll do me a favor by packing my suitcases for me. But she also says that I owe her for it. Typical Whit comment.

“You better hurry back with the car!” mom yells at me as I back out of the driveway. “We’re leaving in an hour!”

“I swear I’ll be back in twenty minutes!”

Now I’m on my way to Drake’s frat house, the place where Elliot is staying. It’s my last resort and even if he still won’t see me I know I have to try.

I sit in front of the house, playing with my fingers, tapping my foot against the floor of the car, and try to talk myself into turning the car around and driving back to the beach house. As much as it’s going to kill me, I know I can’t chicken out. I need to see him again.

Even if this will be the last time.

I know we’re going to the same college in the fall, but the chances of me actually seeing him on campus is slim. The campus is huge and I seriously doubt we’ll have any of the same classes. So, I get out of the car, stroll up the walkway, and slam my fist into the screen door.

A minute later, I recognize the dark-haired guy Whit was talking to the other night when he opens the door. “Hi,” he says greeting me with a smile.

“Hi,” I reply, my voice shaky. “Is Elliot here?”

The echo of footsteps sounds off and the guy looks over his shoulder. “Yo, Drake! Is your bro here?”

Every limb on my body stiffens when the guy says “Drake.” When I left him at the fair yesterday I told him I wanted Elliot and ran off. This is going to be an uncomfortable situation.

Drake comes to the door, takes one look at me and nudges the guy at the door in the shoulder. “I’ll take it from here, man.” The guy steps aside and Drake opens the screen and steps outside. “Hi, kid.”

I take a deep breath, relax my shoulders and ask, “Where’s Elliot?”

Drake shrugs. “Hell if I know. He didn’t come home last night.”

This is turning out to be the worst day of my life. “Will you do me a favor?” Honestly, I don’t expect him to say yes and he’s giving me an awkward glance that makes me want curl up into a hole and bury myself.

At one point, all I’d ever wanted was for Drake to want me the way I wanted him. And it’s weird to me how attraction works. It’s like that song;
You Can’t Always Get What You Want.
You can tell yourself when you want something, but most times it doesn’t always work out that way.

“Sure, kid,” Drake says, pulling me out of my reverie.

My eyes find his and I see a flash of pain in his pools of blue and it tears me apart that I’m the one inflicting that pain. I lower my gaze and stare at my feet. “Can you please tell Elliot I came looking for him?”

“Sure.” His voice cracks and he clears his throat. “I’ll tell him.”

I linger on the porch for another minute. “Thanks.” Then I pivot on my heel and walk down the porch steps.

Halfway to my car, Drake shouts, “Hey, Robin!”

I spin around and he’s standing on the edge of the porch. “What’s up?”

Drake steps down a few steps. “Give him time. Elliot can be a stubborn ass sometimes, but he’ll come around.”

A soft smile curls on my lips. “Thanks. That’s good to know.”

Drake is wearing a set of brown swim trunks. He shoves his fists into his pockets and throws his shoulders back. “Besides, he’d be an idiot if he let you slip through his fingers.” He smiles, a smile full of regret.

“Thanks, Drake.” I wait for a moment, watching as he turns around, going back into the house before walking the rest of the way to the car.

In the driver’s seat I pause before starting the car. A deep, stabbing pain resurfaces. It punctures my side and intensifies and I wrap both of my arms around my sides, praying that the pain will die down soon. Drake’s words replay in my mind; he’ll come around. I hope he’s right because I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to live like this. Without Elliot I wonder if I’ll always feel like a part of me is missing.

And I wonder how long it will take for me to feel whole again.

~28~

Three Months Later

Sometimes life leaves us no choice but to move on from the people we love but that does not mean we stop loving, caring, and missing them. ~Author Unkown~

I’m buried in a stack of books when Whit parades through the door of our dorm. I’ve got an open can of red bull to my left and as she closes the door behind her I pick up the can and take a swig from it.

“Are you seriously still up?”

I avert my attention to Whit. Yesterday’s makeup is smudged all over her face, her clothes are wrinkled, and her hair is sticking up in odd ways. “Someone did the walk of shame,” I say, turning back to the books.

“Well I’m might have come home with my roommate and bestie if she was at the party with me.”

“Don’t you blame this on me,” I say, trying to work out a problem from my calculus book. “You’ve always had a mind of your own.” I know that even if I was there and tried to make her leave if she didn’t want to she wouldn’t have.

Whit walks over to me and pulls the pencil out of my hand. “This has to stop.” Whit chucks the pencil across the room.

“Hey!” I snap and get up to find my pencil. “I have a huge Calc test Monday. I need to study!”

Whit grabs my shoulders and shakes me. “Enough with the bullshit, Robs. I know you know your Calc problems for the test. And I also know that you’re missing out on the real college experience.”

I peel her fingers off my shoulders and walk over to the left corner of the room to retrieve my pencil. “I’m not missing out on anything,” I tell her. “You know the party scene isn’t my thing.” I pick up my pencil and face her, narrowing my eyes. “Besides, one of us really wants to do well in college.”

Whit rolls her eyes and huffs, “Puuhhllease. We all know that you could get straight A’s even if you strolled into class every morning drunk.” My eyes widen and my mouth is agape. “I’m not saying that you’d ever do that. I’m just saying you don’t need to bury yourself in the books to get awesome grades.”

“Yes I do,” I argue. “This isn’t high school, Whitney.”

Whit shakes her head and falls back on her bed. “You’re trying to distract yourself on purpose. You’re burying your head in your books because you don’t know or won’t know how to act to act if you see him.”

“That’s ridiculous,” I say with an eye roll as I sit back down at my desk.

It’s not ridiculous though. It scares me how right on Whit is. I’ve stayed in every weekend since we moved in two months ago and the only places I go to is the hub to eat and to the library. I know he could randomly pop up at either place, but somehow those places seem safer than parties or clubs. The library is quiet and big and I can hide in the back where no one really goes. The hub is always loud and crowded and I never stay very long. Only long enough to grab food and come back to the dorm.