If I Could Be With You (13 page)

CHAPTER twenty

“So, I know none of the places we’ve seen so far have been your dream space, but I have a feeling that the property we’re visiting to day is going to be the one.”

“I hope so,” Charles said as he squeezed Hannah’s hand from across the table.

It was nice to be out with him. The past few days had been filled with interviews and what seemed like a million details. To top that off, whenever they had down time, all she wanted was to curl up on the couch exhausted from the constant go-go-go of city life. “What is it about this one that you think we’ll like so much, Mel?”

Melanie picked up the check and gave them a mysterious smile. “You’ll have to wait and see! Come on, let’s go get the train.”

The wind whipped through her hair as they tread the narrow village streets under grey skies that threatened snow, but Hannah loved the feel of the city this close to the holidays. Everywhere she looked people were rushing around with packages. Storefronts sported lavish, decorative displays that were almost worth freezing to death to admire. She breathed a sigh of relief when they took the escalator down to the subway and her skin stopped burning from the cold.

Charles kept looking at her expectantly.

“What? What do you think I’m going to figure out? I don’t have any idea where we’re going.”

“I’m disappointed, Hannah,” he teased. “I would have thought you had the subway system memorized by now.”

“Well, I don’t, but I can tell we aren’t headed Uptown.”

A laugh escaped Mel. “Manhattan! As if…”

Charles led them to two open seats and stood while they sat. With each passing stop Hannah started to get more excited.  The familiar names brought back memories of her first trip. Could it be that they were headed to Queens?

“Mel, are we going where I think we are?”

She just smiled and looked out the window.

“Charles? Tell me, now!”

“OK! Yes, we’re in Queens and the place we’re seeing is actually only about a five minute walk from my old neighborhood.” He reached out and ran a finger down her cheek. “I’m excited, too. That part of town just feels like home.”

When they exited the station she did, indeed, know where they were. She was beginning to believe that if this apartment had just one of her must haves on the list it would be enough. She needed the feeling of belonging this neighborhood gave her.  Taking a left instead of the right that would have taken them to their old apartment, they walked the three blocks to a quaint duplex that looked as if it had built in the 1940’s.

“We’ll take it,” she exclaimed.

Mel started laughing again.

“How about we go inside first? What do you say, Charles?”

He looked from Mel to Hannah and back again. A broad smile spread from ear to ear and his blue eyes danced with excitement.

“I think Hannah has great instincts. We’ll take it,” he agreed.

“Jeez, you two! I know we say real estate is all about location, but shouldn’t you look inside first?”

“Why?” he asked. “This is where Hannah and I are going to start a family. I can feel it in my bones.”

At the mention of family, Mel shot Hannah a look. She’d forgotten about seeing Nadia. She cringed inwardly and hoped she’d have the good sense not to bring it up. Unfortunately, she didn’t.

“Speaking of families, are you sure you guys want to be so close to Nadia and the new baby? It could lead to some uncomfortable run-ins down the road.”

Charles’ face went from confused to ashen.

“Baby? What are you talking about?” He looked to Hannah and she quickly looked away. “Nadia’s pregnant? When did you see her? How do you know?”

Mel walked up and opened the front door of the duplex. Stepping back she said, “Why don’t I give you two a chance to check out the apartment, and maybe talk a minute.” The look she gave Hannah expressed sorrow, but it was small comfort that the revelation had been an accident.

His reaction hadn’t filled her with hope. He seemed genuinely surprised and overly worried. The way his face had turned white? Could he be the father?

They stepped through the entry into an open concept living room and kitchen flooded with light. While the outside showed its age, the inside had obviously been refurbished, but looking at the floor, trying to avoid Charles’ probing gaze, she noticed beautiful parquet inlays in the hardwood that had to have been original.

“These floors are amazing,” she commented quietly.

“How could you have known she was pregnant and not told me?”

Hannah wrapped her arms around her chest and walked towards the stairway that led to the bedrooms. Taking a step up, she paused and turned.

“I didn’t know how. I didn’t know if maybe, you already knew.”

Understanding broke.

“You thought it could be mine?”

She rushed to his side and took his arm.

“Only for a moment. I was caught off guard. We were on the subway, and she was being so kind. She said she hoped we could talk sometime soon and when she got up to leave her coat fell open and it was obvious. I’d say 5 or 6 months obvious. With the timing and how I left you, I just thought…what if?”

He shook her hand from his arm and walked up the stairs without saying a word. She stood in the open space, frozen, not knowing whether to follow or give him a moment. He hadn’t denied the possibility outright, but his pain at the idea she could have thought the child was his was enough to prove to her it wasn’t.

“Charles?” She called up the steps. When he didn’t answer she turned and walked back outside to Mel.

“What happened?”

“It’s not his. He’s hurt that I even entertained the idea. I’d also say he’s worried about her and doesn’t know if he should contact her or offer help, but he hasn’t actually said that part out loud.”

Mel looked through the doorway.

“He’s upstairs,” Hannah said. “Let’s give him some space.”

****

The ride back to Brooklyn, with only her looping fears and insecurities playing in her mind, was probably the longest ride of her life. While they had decided on the duplex in Queens, and had a move in date for right after the new year, the elephant in the room that neither of them wanted to discuss tempered the excitement they should have been feeling.

Upon entering the apartment he turned to her. “How could you have even believed for one moment that I could have gotten her pregnant. You knew that we weren’t involved physically. Do you have no faith in me?” He sat and pulled his fingers in frustration through the waves above his ears. “I just don’t get it.”

She sat next to him and grabbed his hand. Opening his palm she laced her fingers through his. “I hurt you.”

“Yes, you did.” He answered.

“No – I mean I hurt you when I left. When I threw you out of the hotel room and tried to give you back the diamonds. I hurt you when I went back to Ohio and began dating with the intention of forgetting you. I know you talked to Lilly, and Susie, and I know they weren’t encouraging.” She nudged his chin so that they were face-to-face. “Knowing the pain I caused you, I wondered. Just for a second, but I wondered if maybe I had caused you to turn to her in comfort. If I had, then I would be the one that had caused this whole situation, and I would also be the one keeping you from a life with your child.”

“But I didn’t. It’s not my baby.”

“I know that. I knew that. It was one moment of doubt. You know me. You know my insecurities. You know that I have always wondered why you would want me - why you are with me.”

He stood and walked to the window. It had started to snow.

“Still?”

“Yes, still Charles. It’s not a constant worry, and I’ve come to believe in us and that you love me and want a life with me, but every once in awhile I can’t help it. There are realities to our situation that are never going to go away.”

He turned, arms crossed and expression dark.

“I don’t want to say anything to validate this insecurity that you feel, Hannah, but I’m angry and I’m not sure how to get over it because it all stems from something I can’t control. I can’t make you feel my love if you don’t. You have to open yourself to it. You have to give yourself to us, all of yourself , even the part of you that’s scared to death.”

She walked to him and circled her arms around his waist. Pressing her nose against his back she inhaled the calming, manly scent that was his alone. She closed her eyes and held him. “I want to give you all of me, Charles,” she whispered.

He turned and pulled her closer.

“I know.” He kissed the top of her head before pulling her hand and leading her to the bedroom. Once there he leaned down and pressed his lips to her neck. Trailing soft kisses across her collarbone, he unbuttoned her shirt and let it slide to the floor. He stood back, drinking in the sight of her. She felt the self-consciousness of being totally vulnerable to him, but she opened to it and gave into the fear.

He reached out and undid the clasp that held her bra in place, gently tugging it off and then reaching to cup her breasts. His thumbs circled and kneaded at her nipples. They stood together, never once breaking eye contact, lips hovering but not consummating the kiss that would send them both on this journey into deeper intimacy.

She took his hands from her chest to remove his shirt and moved closer so that her hardened peaks tickled at him with each rise and fall of her breath. He lifted her chin so that their lips finally touched, so soft and quietly that she almost felt pain from the need and tenderness warring inside her.

“I love you,” she exhaled.

He took a deep breath in, as if to accept her apology and declaration.

“I love you,” he replied.

He lowered his hands to unbutton her jeans and pushed them from her hips while she struggled to free him of his khakis. They stood naked with each other, souls bared, insecurities, flaws and all. She knew in that moment she wouldn’t be going back to Ohio. No matter what he wanted or how much he argued. She was here to stay. He was her home.

CHAPTER twenty-one

Christmas morning dawned with bright sunshine and snow covered streets. She snuggled closer to Charles, reveling in the warmth that radiated from his body. The apartment was in chaos around them, half packed for the move to Queens and half filled with the Christmas decorations Hannah had refused to go without. The tree they had brought up the four flights of stairs sparkled in the corner, a reminder of what they could accomplish when they worked together.

The deep sigh that escaped his lips signaled he was waking up and she took a moment to let her eyes trail over his sleep softened features. He truly was the most beautiful man she had ever seen and despite his lack of officially asking, he was most definitely her future husband. She tried to let go of the excitement that flooded her stomach when she thought of the proposal. She was almost positive it would come today but she didn’t want to be too disappointed if she was wrong.

“Good morning,” Charles said in his deep sleepy voice that seemed to always awaken the sexual goddess inside of her. He turned and put his head on her bare chest. “Merry Christmas.”

She giggled at the smile on his face and the look in his eyes as he opened them level with her nipples.

“Merry Christmas,” she repeated.

“Present time?” he asked.

“You’re as bad as a child,” she chided.

“OK, then, food first. You wore me out last night. I feel like I could eat a horse. What kind of Christmas morning feast do you have planned for us?” He wiggled his eyebrows up and down in expectation.

“Oh, no.” She pushed him off of her. “It’s not like I was suddenly blessed with culinary skills in a Christmas miracle. If you want anything other than pumpkin pies or cookies, I’d suggest you go put something in the oven. Pour us some orange juice and champagne, too. A mimosa sounds like a perfect Christmas morning tradition to start!”

He flicked back the covers and stood, stretching like a cat, while the sunlight played on his gloriously naked physique.

“Stop showing off and make us some food,” she growled before throwing a pillow in his direction. “Just because I want to eat before presents, doesn’t mean I want to wait all day to see what’s in that big box under the tree.”

“Aha! I knew you were human!” He said as he left the room.

Hannah rose slowly and picked up the pink silk robe from the floor beside the bed. She slid her arms in and made her way to the bathroom to throw some cold water on her face and freshen up. Once satisfied she’d look decent in any holiday selfies he felt inclined to take, she walked to the kitchen. Charles had just slid the cinnamon buns into the oven and was working on popping the cork on the champagne.

“I meant to ask you last night but forgot,” he said. “Did you ever hear back from Jonathan about the job for next year?”

She smiled. Time to let him in on her secret. He couldn’t get mad on Christmas morning. It would be sacrilegious.

“I did! I got it.”

“That’s awesome!” He handed her a mimosa and raised his glass in a toast. “Here’s to everything falling into place,” he offered.

“And here’s to shucking the plan and playing it all by ear,” she added.

He choked a bit before covering his eyes with his palm, but there was still a smile on his face.

“What have you done now, Hannah?”

“Well, you know that these past two weeks have shown me that this is right – that we’re right…”

“I hope so. We’re getting married.”

“Well, maybe we are. You still haven’t asked me, but that’s not what I’m getting at. The idea of returning to Ohio and living without you for months before we can start our life here, well, I’m just not OK with that.”

The smile on his face lessened. “What did you do Hannah?”

“You have to promise you won’t get mad. It’s Christmas and remember we said we were going to plan our life together from now on – not just follow what you imagined it would be like.”

He nodded. “I remember. Together was the key word in that statement. Why do I get the feeling you made a decision for us both.”

“Promise first. You’re not going to ruin our first Christmas together over this.”

He pulled her into his arms and kissed her hard. “Just tell me before I make something up in my head that’s far worse than reality.”

She bounced in his arms unable to contain her excitement. “I’m not going back to Ohio. Jonathan offered me a maternity sub position for February through April and a job for next year. I’m going to be teaching at Westview.”

Hannah wasn’t sure what his lack of expression meant, but she thought it was a positive that he wasn’t overtly angry. “Mel and I spent a long time talking and I know that you wanted me to go back and plan the wedding because you want this marriage to start out the right way, but don’t you see Charlie – it’s right already. We don’t have to follow a script to make things work or to make this real. It is, and we are, and I don’t want to wait. I want to be here with you and move into our home and start my job and just…just spend every moment together instead of miles apart.”

He took a sip of his mimosa.

“So, what do you think?” she asked.

“I think that we should open our presents now.”

“But what about what I told you? You’re not angry? We’re OK?

He picked her glass from her hand and set it on the table next to his. He still wasn’t smiling but he wasn’t visibly upset. “Let’s go,” he said while guiding her into the living room.

“You’re making me nervous. Could you smile at least?”

“Even if I genuinely smiled right now, Hannah, your insecurities wouldn’t let you believe it was real. Let’s just open our gifts and celebrate our first Christmas together.” He sat on the floor by the tree and patted the space next to him. “You first.” He pushed the large box towards her.

“I’ve been wondering what’s in this box for the past three days! What in the world did you get me that could take up this much space?”

She saw it then, the slight tug at the corner of his mouth. He was playing her and doing a fabulous job of it. She’d really believed he was angry, but it was all a show. What was he up to? She pulled the wrapping from the large box and was immediately confronted with a smaller wrapped box inside.

“You didn’t.” She blew out a breath in playful frustration.

He laughed for the first time since he’d brought up her new job.

“You did,” she said as the new gift gave way to an even smaller wrapped version until she was down to a box the size of what could only realistically be a picture frame. She hid her slight disappointment at the fact it wasn’t the size of a ring box.

“Open it,” he prodded.

When she pulled off the wrapping and the top to the small white box she discovered that it was, in fact, a picture frame. Silver and engraved with a photo of the two of them in Ohio, the date on the frame read Nov. 28. Thanksgiving Day, the day he’d shown up at her house with the news of his divorce. The day their life together had finally begun.

Tears sprang to her eyes.

“It’s so thoughtful, Charles. I love it.”

“Really? You’re not sad it’s not a ring?”

“Well,” she shrugged her shoulders, “maybe just a little bit.”

“There’s another present for you under the tree, Hannah.”

When she looked she noticed a smaller box off to the side, slightly bigger than a ring box but still, it was a possibility. She felt her face grow warmer. How embarrassing that he knew how much she wanted this proposal and was toying with her.

“Open it,” He chided her again.

She lifted the gold and red wrapping paper, exposing a regular cardboard gift box. She would never admit to secretly hoping for Tiffany blue. She held it up and shook. Whatever it was, it was small and hard. She lifted the top and pulled out a $100 gift card to an office supply store. A post it note stuck to the back of the card read,
For February supplies…Congratulations, Love
.

She looked up. He was stifling his laughter the best he could. Hannah smacked at his shoulder with the gift card.

“You knew! How did you find out? You let me worry that you would be angry and that I could make a mess of our first Christmas morning when you knew about my job the whole time!”

“Jonathan called me before he called you. He just wanted to make sure things were solid with us before he took a chance and offered you the maternity sub. He didn’t have time to fix a mistake if you decided not to stay.”

She let her shoulders relax in relief and gave him a small smile.

“So, you’re really OK with me staying.”

“I’m really OK with it, Han. Promise. In fact, you were right and I was wrong. I want you to stay. I don’t want to wait another minute to start our life together. He pushed up to his knees and reached up onto the tree where a small clear glass ornament hung. Funny, she didn’t remember hanging that one.

He held the ornament in his open palm and leaned closer for her to see.  Something glinted in the sunlight and she suddenly couldn’t catch her breath.

“Hannah Miller, love of my entire life…will you be mine?”

Inside the glass ornament, an elegant emerald cut diamond set in yellow gold with a baguette on each side waited for her finger. It was the most beautiful ring she’d ever seen.

“What? How? How did you get it inside? More importantly,” she was nearly screaming, “How do we get it out?”

He laughed and removed the gold fringe that covered the top and allowed for the ornament hanger. He gently took her hand and let the ring fall into her palm. She went to put it on but he stopped her.

“Uh-uh,” he shook his head. “I haven’t heard and answer yet, Ms. Miller. Will you be my bride?”

“Of course I will! Yes! Yes, a hundred times.”

She leaned up to kiss him as he slid he ring on her finger.