If I Loved You (Harper Falls Book 1) (31 page)

“Jack
is
unique.” Rose imagined it would have been quite a shock to have
your carefree baby suddenly turn into a driven business mogul. But
Rose wasn't confused, she knew exactly where he got his
ambition—from his mother.

“Did I miss the joke?” Lorna asked when she
heard Rose’s chuckle.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t laughing at you,” Rose
assured her. “But I don’t think you realize just how much it
does
run in your family." Rose
looked directly at Lorna.

“With me? All I’ve ever wanted was my
husband and family.”

“Well, that seems pretty ambitious to me.”
For Rose, it seemed
beyond
ambitious. “For over forty years you’ve loved one man and raised
seven amazing children. Children who not just love you but respect
you, want to spend time with you. They eagerly came together to
celebrate the strong foundation you built for them. It’s because
you succeeded in
your
ambition,
Lorna, that Jack was able to succeed in his.”

"Oh, you sweet, sweet girl." Lorna pulled
her close. "I hope Jack realizes how lucky he is to have found
you."

Rose felt a surge of panic. "But we aren't,
I mean I'm not—." How did she explain something to Lorna that she
hadn't figured out herself? "I'm afraid I'll hurt him," she finally
managed to sputter.

"But you don't want to."

"No," Rose exclaimed. "That's the last thing
I want."

"Then the rest is a leap of faith." Lorna
patted Rose's cheek, her smile understanding. "You can't promise
not to hurt someone, Rose. But you can
try
not to hurt them on purpose. If you do that,
then you have as much of a chance as anyone. Now, here come our
men. Give me another hug and say you'll come back soon to
visit."

"I'd like that." Before Rose pulled away,
she whispered, "By the way, Jack is a terrific dancer. Thank
you."

ROSE GRIPPED THE phone in frustration. If
she had been blessed with super powers, she would have used them to
punch out the person on the other end of the line. Right now she
would have to settle for punching him with words.

"Would you shut up for five seconds so I can
get a word in?" She had been listening to Sam Laughton's rant for
five minutes straight. He wasn't saying anything helpful. In fact,
he wasn't saying anything new. Rose was beginning to think he just
liked the sound of his own voice.

"So speak."

Asshole.
"I
know the deadline is only a week away. But I can't force the words.
Why can't you record the songs you have." Wasn't that reasonable?
"Think how happy you'll be when I've finished. And I will finish.
If you get off my back
."

There was a pause. Rose imagined Sam
counting to ten or rubbing his temples. Or to make her happy,
pounding his head on his desk.

"I thought you went on that trip last
weekend to find inspiration." It sounded like Sam was gritting his
teeth. "Seeing what forty years of love looks like should have made
the words fly onto the paper. Obviously it didn't work. So what
happened?"

"First, you were the one who thought the
trip would inspire me." Even over the phone she could tell he was
going to interrupt her, so she hurried on. "Second, I don't know
what happened. For some reason I feel even more blocked than
before."

Not that she would admit it to Sam, but Rose
was more than a little a panicked. Partly because the song wasn't
coming, she'd never had this kind of problem before. But even
worse, she'd convinced herself that being able to finish this song
would be a sign, a breakthrough. It would mean she was finally able
to fall in love. And that meant she could love Jack the way he
deserved to be loved.

"Come to Paris. And before you automatically
say no think about it as a change of scenery. If you fly over for a
week or two, you might find the inspiration you're looking
for."

"I've been to Paris." Just last year Sam had
given her a personal tour of his studio. He'd made a pass, and
she'd said no—absolutely not interested. He took the rejection well
and the tour had continued. Undoubtedly, he would try again if she
went to go to Paris. And be just as good natured about it when she
turned him down, again. "We both know my writer's block has nothing
to do with location."

"Then just come for a few days. I might be
able to push you gently in the right direction."

More like shove, Rose thought. Sam was not a
man known for his warm and fuzzy approach."

"I promise to think about it." Rose could
feel the beginning of a headache. She needed to take something for
it. Even better she needed to end this phone call. "Give me a few
more days without any interruptions. Five days," she added quickly.
"Please."

She heard Sam's sigh and knew she'd won, for
now.

"Fine. I know you have it in you, Rose but
now I need it on paper."

Rose hung up and rubbed her temples. Who was
she kidding? Not Sam. And certainly not herself. He might as well
have given her five months instead of five days. Unless a miracle
happened that song was not going to get written. At least not by
her. And wasn't that a frightening thought. Sam could give the job
to someone else and she wouldn't have any right to stop him.

Rose filled a glass with water and swallowed
a couple of aspirins. She was due to meet Jack in an hour. Movie
night at his place with lots of buttery popcorn and a little
necking followed by some really hot sex. Earlier in the day it had
sounded like heaven but now she didn't know. Jack seemed tenser
since they had returned from Oregon. Or maybe it was her, and she
was projecting her doubts onto him. Either way the ease seemed to
be slipping away from their relationship. She was letting her
inability to write one song affect every aspect of her life and it
was starting to piss her off. She wanted to be with Jack.
Everything else could wait for one more night.

JACK HAD NO idea what they were watching. It
was a movie, obviously. A lot of things were getting blown up. And
maybe somebody was about to betray someone. Hell, he didn't even
care. He wasn't paying attention any more than Rose was. Her head
was on his shoulder and she seemed to be watching but he knew if
she'd had to she couldn’t have described the plot. Hell, Edgar
probably knew more about it than either of them.

"I need some more to drink." Rose picked up
her half full glass and headed for the kitchen. "Can I get you
anything?

"I'm good."

When Rose returned—empty handed—Jack gave up
and turned off the TV. Rose sat back down without comment and
neither of them spoke for several minutes. It was crazy. They
always had something to say. It was the first time he could
remember even a moment of awkward silence between them.

"What's wrong, Rose?"

"Nothing." She glanced at Jack. "Really.
Other than that song I'm having problems with I'm good." She waited
another second before turning towards him. "Is there something
you're not telling me about?"

Jack sighed. Fine, he'd go first.

"You've been tense the past couple of days.
And it's not just because of work."

"I thought you were the tense one. I'm
fine." Rose knew what she was doing. A little voice was yelling for
her to stop before it was too late. But the rest of her wasn't
listening.

"Me? Why do you think I have a problem?"

"Because you thought that by taking me to
meet your family I would suddenly be so dazzled by the warm family
vibe that I would realize what I've been missing. You thought I
would declare my undying love and beg you to marry me."

"Don't be ridiculous." Jack stood and began
to pace. "I didn't think any of that. What's more, you don't
believe I did."

"At least admit that, subconsciously, you
were hoping something would happen."

"I wanted you to meet my family, Rose. End
of story." Jack rounded on her. "And, by the way, I lied before. I
do think this is all about your work. You've put so much importance
on that stupid song that you've lost all perspective."

"Are you saying that my work is stupid?"
God, could she hear herself? She was spewing so much crap that she
expected brown globs to start falling out of her mouth at any
moment.

"You know that's not what I'm saying."
Jack's patience was rapidly coming to an end. "But admit it, you've
equated not being able to write a love song with you not being able
to love me."

What, now he could read her mind? True or
not she wasn't going to admit it to anyone, especially not
Jack.

"It’s just a song, Jack."

"Exactly. But you've built it up into some
mammoth symbol of failure. The fact is if you don't love me it has
nothing to do with a song," Jack yelled.

"Damn it, Jack. You can't get angry when I
warned you from the very beginning that this would happen."

"I'm not angry that you don't love me, Rose.
I'm angry that you won't admit to yourself that you do."

"Sam Laughton wants me in Paris." Great
segue. The man accuses you of being in love with him and you throw
Paris in his face. "He thinks a change of scenery is what I need to
get past my writer's block."

"Are you going?" All the heat had left his
words. Now he just sounded incredibly tired.

Rose shrugged. "I told him I'd think about
it." She wanted to scream she was sorry, to tell him that she
didn't want to leave him for even a day. But the words wouldn't
come out. Instead, she watched as his eyes turned a frigid
blue.

"Go then."

"Jack—,"

"Now, Rose." Jack picked up her purse and
handed it to her. "Go home now. And go to Paris, I don't care
anymore. If you think this thing between us is a game, then you're
going to have to find a different playmate."

Again she wanted to speak. She wanted to beg
him to let her stay, just let her be with him. But instead she
walked out the door and didn't look back.

"SO YOU PICKED a fight with him."

"That's not what I said."

Rose had decided to hunker down in her house
and never come out. That resolve had lasted until about noon. It
didn't take long for her to become sick of her depressingly dreary
company and she had drag herself over to Dani's house. One look at
her and Dani had called Tyler. After telling them everything that
had happened Rose had expected sympathy. She wasn't getting
any.

"You accused him of trying to manipulate
you, even though you knew it wasn't true."

"I guess," Rose grumbled.

"And after he called you on it, you went and
threw Paris
and
a hunky producer in
his face."

"I never said anything about Sam being
hunky." Great, her friends were easily picking apart her arguments.
It was making it difficult for Rose to hold on to that little bit
of righteous indignation that had kept her going for the last
twelve hours.

"Admit it Rose, you picked a fight with Jack
hoping he would break up with you hoping it would magically absolve
you of any blame." Dani
was
sympathetic. She knew how difficult this was for Rose. But when you
loved someone and had known them as long as they'd all known one
and other, well, sympathy had to end somewhere. Sometimes you
needed to administer a swift kick in the ass. With love, of course.
She looked at Tyler as if to say,
your
turn
.

"This would be so much easier if you weren't
in love with Jack." Tyler knew Rose would protest, so she simply
sat back and let her get it out of her system.

"But that's the problem, I don't—I
can't—love him. I want to. Jack is the only man in the world that I
would love if I could." Rose was feeling panicky again. Heart
pumping, short of breath. "I always thought something inside me was
broken, but that's not it. I believed that because of my mother and
Louise I was so damaged loving someone just wasn't possible. But I
can't blame them anymore. I just don't have it in me. I never did.
And you're right. I took the cowards way out and let Jack end it.
God, I knew I was a mess but on top of everything I'm a terrible
person."

Dani and Tyler exchanged helpless looks.
Okay, change of plan. You couldn't kick someone in the ass when
they were already doing it to themselves. Sitting closer, they gave
Rose a group hug.

"It would help if you'd cry. Pressure
reliever extraordinaire."

"Great," Rose whispered. "Something else to
add to my list of things wrong with me. Number three hundred and
six—Rose can't cry."

"There's nothing wrong with not crying every
five minutes." Tyler leaned over lightly slapped Dani on the side
of the head. Her glare said she would have liked it to have been a
lot harder.

"I didn't mean it like that." Dani mouthed
sorry
to Tyler, hugging Rose harder.
"I meant you need to find a way to let out all that tension. If you
aren't relaxed, you can't think straight. You shouldn't make any
plans when you're all tied up in knots."

"What I need to do is apologize to Jack."
But she couldn't face seeing that look of anger and defeat again.
She could leave him a message, but that would be even worse.
Apologies of this magnitude you couldn't give on voicemail.

"What we all need to do is hit the gym."
Tyler stood and pulled Rose to her feet. "Dani's right about
getting rid of all that tension. An hour or two working up a good
sweat and you'll be thinking a lot clearer."

"Can't I just get in my pajamas and eat ice
cream?" Rose let herself be pushed into Dani's car. "As my best
friends you're supposed to encourage me I to sit around with messy
hair and watch sad movies."