If Not For You (2 page)

“Like every other day, I went shopping. I brought muffins from ‘The Cake Box’ they’re in the pantry hidden in our special place,” she said with a wink. We had a hiding spot for our indulgences, my father would have a stroke if he knew we ate ‘garbage’ as he put it.

The Cake Box was my favorite bakery. Camille would take me there when I was younger and my father was out of town on business. We would have tea and pastries and pretend we were in some exotic location. Some of the best days of my life were spent in that little bakery. I could practically smell the fresh baked bread now, remembering how I watched as they took it out of the oven and stacked it on the shelves. People lined up and down the block every morning for a taste of one of their famous donuts or danishes. Women carried away loaves of bread and bags of buns for their family’s daily meals, and the wedding cakes were magnificent works of art, sitting on display behind the counter on a high shelf.

“Yummy. I’ll sneak down later for one, you’re the best Camille.” I hugged her long and hard, fighting back tears that so badly wanted to spill.

She pulled away and looked into my face with a scowl, “Is there something you’re not telling me? Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I’m fine, would I lie to you?” I seemed to be saying that a lot today. It felt terrible lying to the ones I loved the most in the world, but I just wasn’t ready. There had to be a gentle forgiveness at the end of this journey, for my painful lies that fell bitterly from my lips.

“Ok then…I’m off, you know where to find me if you need anything.” She left the room, closing the door quietly behind her all the while watching me, waiting for me to spill my guts. She was suspicious too. This lying thing was only going to get harder, how I was going to make it for sixty days was beyond me.

Opening my laptop I turned on my table lamp, sitting at my desk I skimmed the web with no idea what I was looking for. I logged onto my Facebook page and scanned through friend requests and notifications, as well as a few photos of sexy hunks that my girls posted, being sure to save them to my hotties file.

An ad flashed onto the screen,
damn spam
I thought, ready to hit the ‘x’ when it caught my eye. It was a cruise ship floating on the ocean, with an island in the background and ‘Princess Cruises: Escape Completely’ in bold lettering across the top. I clicked on it and waited for my laptop to explode, but a website appeared with ‘Explore the world on a world cruise, immediate departures available’ written under the main heading.

I spent the next two hours scouring the website, only leaving my room to retrieve a banana nut muffin from the pantry and a glass of wine from the cooler. Mapping out the destinations offered and the ports of call, my mind filled with excitement at the idea of exploring foreign lands; Australia, Mumbai, Italy, Greece and England enticed my interest.

A fifty five day cruise departing Friday, could I possibly do it? Should I? Fifty five days at sea. Fifty five days to relax and have some fun. Fifty five days why not? I pulled my credit card from my wallet and kissed it before punching in the numbers on the screen, waited for the confirm button to light up and clicked it. Holy shit! I was going on the cruise of a life time, just me, myself and I.

Day 59

Sitting at the breakfast table across from my father as he silently read the paper, my presence going totally unnoticed, I blurted out the only thing I could to get his attention. It was going to be a bitch of a fight, but I was ready for it and with my leaving in a few days, he needed to know.

“Daddy, I’m going on a cruise.”

With not the slightest courtesy to divert his attention from the paper he was enjoying to look at me, he instantaneously snorted out, “I don’t think so, kitten.”

My mouth dropped open and I loudly let out a puff of air, his paper curled over at the corner and he caught my eye. I looked at him with my brows raised and a challenge in my eyes. I wasn’t going down without a fight, no way. I was twenty two years old, an adult and capable of going on a vacation without his highness’s permission.

Time to kick some big-time ass

“I leave on Friday,” I said boldly, the defiance in my voice loud and clear.

“And who do you think you’re going on a cruise with?” he asked, folding his paper and setting it off to the side. A Camille appeared to refill his coffee, she looked at me like my head had just fallen off and rolled across the table.

“I’m going by myself. Don’t need anyone with me. I’m old enough to take care of myself, Daddy.” I said holding my head high, determined that he would back down before I, affording me my victory.

“I don’t think so, kitten,”he scoffed calmly, as he blew on his hot coffee before taking a sip.

While he may have been the master of his business empire, needing only to glance at an individual for them to fall over themselves trying to please him, he was not the master of me. I was beyond falling over. I hadn’t had the inkling to do so since I was a bratty little two year old, and would do anything to obtain a bit of Daddy’s limited attention. It wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

“Well it’s paid for and I’m going. It’s a world cruise, fifty five days. It cost me a fortune.” And it had, nearly all my savings, poof gone!

“Fifty five days? Are you out of your mind little girl?”

“Stop calling me that! I’m not your little girl, I’m a woman, and I’m going on a world cruise and you’ll have to get over it!” I bellowed across the table.

My eyes blinked wildly as my father’s fists hit the table with an immense thundering clatter, sending cutlery and breakfast every which way. Camille scrambled to save a near disaster between a teapot and the expensive Persian carpet on the floor. She let out a tiny squeal and righted it on the sideboard nearby.

“I SAID, I DON’T THINK SO!!!” he screamed as he stood and leaned towards me. “You will do as you’re told, don’t try me little girl.”

I only had one option left, one last deal breaker. I had to bring out the big guns, he gave me no choice, no alternative. It was my last ditch effort and I was going for it. I turned on the water works. Yes I did it, I sobbed like a five year old. My acting coach from high school would have been proud. I could see Camille from the corner of my eye holding back a titter, as I put on the performance of a life time.

“Oh not the tears. Jesus Christ, kitten! You’re so pathetic! I can read you like a book. You think this will work with me? You think I’ll give in to your tears?” His tone was definitely changing, the pissed off was starting to fade. There was a glimmer of hope, until…

“What about work?” he said.

Oh shit, I forgot about that.

“I quit.”

“YOU QUIT YOUR JOB?” he screamed and sat back down raising his hand to his forehead and holding out his cup to Camille, she grabbed the coffee pot, ran over and filled it hastily.

“Calm down Daddy, I hated that job anyway. A position is opening at Glendale and I was told it’s mine if I want it but it’s not starting until fall, so I have plenty of time to go on my cruise and prep for it.”

“I don’t like this. I don’t like this one bit. It’s not safe to be going off on your own.” Father confessed as he lowered himself to the table.

“I’ll be on a cruise ship on the ocean, with hundreds of other people, I won’t exactly be alone. They have security on board, I’ll be safe. Daddy, don’t stand in my way. I don’t want to take off with you angry at me but I’m going, whether you like it or not. I’m leaving Friday.”

I had never been so defiant. It felt good, but wrong. After my mom died it was only the two of us left in the house, I always felt pressured to do as I was told, to not stir the pot, rock the boat or risk upsetting my father. My mom’s death had taken its toll on my old man, leaving a giant gaping hole where his heart had once been and I felt for him. I truly understood what he had lost, but I had lost too and he never took the time to realize that. He had lost his wife the love of his life, but I had lost my mom.

He was never the same after her death. He rarely smiled, only laughed when he was entertaining business parties and snooty guests, barely made eye contact unless he was angry, which was a lot of the time actually or he’d scream when his demands were not met the second he gave them.

I sat and waited anxiously and after many long pregnant minutes my father finally caved, I knew he would, I didn’t really care either way, but knew he would.

“Fine, go!” he blurted, and stormed out of the room. Sure it wasn’t a great response, but it was one I could live with and the triumph was mine.

Now I could set my sights on a wardrobe, I needed to go shopping. I called Henry who accepted the challenge and also accepted that I was going on a cruise with only minor balking, proving himself to be my Henry.

***

“Carter. I have a job for you. I’m sending you on a cruise. You’ll be keeping an eye on my daughter Tandy. You leave on Friday.” George Manning was not a man to be questioned. When he gave an order; you followed it, to the letter.

“Sir, a Cruise?” I questioned a little bewildered. I hadn’t been working for Mr. Manning for long, I knew my place, but never imagined being ordered to take a cruise of all things.

I hadn’t been out of prison very long, I came to work for George Manning practically straight out of my cell. I owed Mr. Manning big time for taking care of my release and clearing my name. My father and George were best friends and business partners for years. Although I only met him a few times, George promised on the death bed of my father to take me under his wing, to take care of me after serving my time. I don’t know if that made me feel like a burden or a naughty child. Still, I was out of prison and had a good job, a roof over my head and wasn’t about to rock the boat.

“Yes. My daughter has decided that she’s going on some crazy cruise around the world and you’re going to be her body guard.”

“Okaaaay, when do I meet her?” I said, none too thrilled about babysitting Mr. Manning’s brat, but the money was good and who wouldn’t want to go on a cruise?

“Oh no, you won’t be meeting her that’s why I chose you. She wouldn’t know you from a hole in the ground. If she suspects for a minute that I sent you to keep an eye on her, she’d go ballistic.”

“You’re the boss, sir. I kinda need to know what she looks like though. Hard to keep an eye on someone you don’t recognize,” I said, imagining the female version of Mr. M. with a cringe.

“Here’s a photo, your tickets and passport. I pulled some strings; you’re in the adjoining state room. I figured that was best. Nice and close, you’ll report to me daily.”

“Will do, Mr. M.” I said, as I looked at the photo, definitely liking what I saw. She was beautiful, a real looker, I would enjoy this assignment.

Fuckin A,
I said internally with a high five and a grin.

“And Carter,” He moved closer as he warned, “She can’t find out who you are, so keep a distance. Those paws of yours don’t touch a hair on her head, got it?”

“Yes sir,” I said with a salute of my brow. I was disappointed, yes, but I would keep my distance. Watching was half the fun anyway.

***

“Fifty five days at sea, hot guys and sunshine? You’re a lucky bitch!” Tess said, as we shared another plate of fries and Margaritas.

“I can’t wait. Friday won’t get here soon enough.” I said, hoping she wouldn’t ask why. Tess was my best friend, aside from Henry, and the only person on the planet that I couldn’t lie to. She could see straight through me like a plate of clear glass, she knew my next move before I did, she was that in tune with me.

“So when are you going to tell me the truth? The real reason you’ve decided to fuck off for fifty five days?” Did I mention she had a filthy, crude mouth that had fascinated me since our teen years?

She looked at me and sat waiting and waiting and waiting.

“You’re not preggers, cause virgins don’t do up-the-stump. And you can’t be running from a guy, because you’d have to be fucking someone to be running from someone. So what is it? Spill girl!” Her eyes never stopped staring as she slurped the last of her drink noisily through her straw.

“You know I’d never keep a secret from you. You know that right? It’s just that I can’t tell you right now. It’ll be better if you don’t know. Trust me. Okay?”

I could see by the look in her eye that she wanted to press on; I also knew that she trusted me like a sister. We made a blood pact way back in grade school, the real deal, poked our fingers with pins and everything. We shared most of our firsts together too. Our first time getting drunk together, which of course lead to throwing up together, our first kiss, so it was the same guy, it was still a first. We pierced our ears together. Got fake id’s and snuck into bars together. We even had a little sexual experimentation together. Tess had to understand.

“I don’t understand Tandy, you don’t keep things from me, why now? Is it that serious? I gotta tell ya, you’re fucking scaring me.”

“God Tess, don’t be scared. You have nothing to be scared of,” I assured her, with a smile and a gentle squeeze to her forearm. The only one here that needed to be scared was me. I didn’t want to beg but I would if I had to. I wasn’t beyond begging my best friend to keep a secret or to trust me.

“Trust me okay?”

“Okay. I’m trusting you this one time. But you’re gonna tell me right?” The way she looked at me made me want to confess, spill my guts all over the table and be done with it. But then she’d cry, I’d cry and she’d tell me not to go or that she wanted to come with me and all I wanted was to deal on my own.

“I promise I’ll tell you after the cruise, I promise.” We shared a long silent hug, one without tears, one without pity and one without regret. This is what I needed to do.

When the last of the margaritas were drunk and all the fries in the building were eaten, we hugged and kissed goodbye. Tess waved to me from the street as Henry pulled away onto the road and turned the corner out of her sight. I felt good, I didn’t have to lie to her and she seemed happy with the way it was left.