If Someone Says "You Complete Me," RUN! (16 page)

It takes us back to what I was saying earlier. The fact is a long-term relationship or marriage is not set up to be an ongoing oversexed romantic situation. That’s what happens in the beginning, but after a little while, it changes.

Society bombards us with images of what love is supposed to be. The love songs, romantic movies, romance novels all give you this false sense of what a relationship is. It doesn’t give you the day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. That’s what a relationship really is. It’s minute to minute, day to day, hour to hour, year to year. Anyone who goes in not seeing that is setting herself up, I feel, for a fall.

In the old days, when somebody set you up—like your mom and dad would set you up in an arranged marriage—you had to learn how to figure it out minute to minute, day to day. Now people meet online and they get into a relationship and it seems great. But the everyday they can’t deal with. If we spent more time focusing on the reality, as opposed to what love should be, we would have more reasonable expectations and be less disappointed. The reality is that it’s not easy. It’s really hard work. If you’re twenty-something, maybe you shouldn’t
get married just yet. If you think you can handle it, try it. The reality, though, is it’s not a movie.

This reminds me of another question people have asked me: “How soon is too soon to get into another relationship after you’ve just left one?” It’s all subjective. Sometimes you could be in a long-term relationship that ends, and it was simply meant to take you down this path so you get to the person who pops up and goes, “Hey.” And you know it’s him. But you got to go through all your stuff.

If your gut says, “I need to spend some time with you because there’s something pulling me, and there’s no reason why I would be pulled if you weren’t interesting to me,” well, then go right ahead.

Some people try to keep themselves from doing anything too soon because they may have to heal or they are afraid that the same thing is going to happen again. They think, “No, I can’t. It’s too soon.” You just might not be in the mood to be with another person yet. Or afraid you will get your heart broken. You know when you’re ready. Not when your head tells you you’re ready, but when you meet someone you like and say, “You know, I want to hang out.”

What people really mean when they ask this question is how soon after you break up should you be having sex with somebody else? Well, there’s always the rebound,
isn’t there? Or the Band-Aid or the booty call, to get you through the rough times.

Now, as I said before, looking for sex and looking for love are two different things. Sex is a thing that has nothing to do with anything. Sex is just something you do because it feels good. You can do it with anybody if you find him attractive and sexy. It doesn’t require that you be in love. So, like everything else, if you are clear, and say something like “I just got out of my relationship and I’m really not looking for anything other than some good clean fun, or some good dirty fun,” that’s fine.

Looking for sex in a relationship is a totally different thing. You have to decide what it is you’re looking to do. Are you talking about “I just broke up with this guy and I’m so devastated, I can’t have sex for the next hundred years”? That’s a real differentiation to me. You can go hang out with people instantaneously, and have great times with people, and develop friendships and relationships. When to start having sex again becomes a different question.

I have a friend who just got out of a relationship, and somebody came along and the two had the chemistry, but my friend fought it and fought it, but she couldn’t get past the fact that they had the chemistry. It took them a minute to realize that that’s what was happening. It had nothing to do with timing. It had to do with “I’m good with this. It doesn’t mean forever. It doesn’t mean every
day. But it means ‘Yeah, we can be friends. You can hang with me. We can be together.’” Once you realize that you are not messing up the last relationship when you enter a new one it makes it easier to move on. Why be loyal to a relationship that didn’t work? Know that each relationship is actually different, and recognize “I got this feeling for this person and I can walk with it, even if everybody says no, it’s too soon.”

Besides, too soon for what? Too soon to have sex or too soon to have friends? I don’t think it’s ever too soon to have friends.

If you’re looking for a deeper relationship that includes sex where you can bond and be together and do all that, that’s a different thing. Do you want to do that right after you just got out of a long-term relationship? I don’t know if that’s smart because emotionally you might not be as clearheaded as you think you are. Still, you can learn how to be a friend.

One of the things that everyone seems to do when they find a new partner is they disappear. It’s like “Wait, where did you go?” This is a terrible thing. It’s wonderful to fall in love and go into your love cave for a little while, but you can’t just disappear from the friends who have been there for you all along. That’s so high school. Then, two years later, you come crying to your girlfriends, “Boo hoo, my boyfriend and I broke up!” and they don’t want
to hear it. They want to know “Who are you? Where have you been for two years?”

Friendships are important to us as human beings. They’re the things that keep us going. We can look over and see a friend who is there to talk to and listen and watch our back and laugh with and cry with. That’s who is helping you get through every day

So if you get into a relationship and make everyone else disappear from your life, I think it’s very dangerous. You’re then dependent on that one person, and he may not have the strength to carry all your shit along, too.

Keep some perspective. And keep your friends nearby.

S
ometimes when we talk about relationships, we forget to talk about family. Our relationships to our parents, our brothers, our sisters, and our kids all inform who we are. Of course, just because they are family doesn’t mean it’s a relationship that’s going to work—family just means you’re related by blood—but sometimes there are other families that are better suited for you, more than the one you were born into.

What I mean is that the concept of family is ever evolving. My mom is gone, so I have inserted myself in my daughter’s family. My friend Tom’s mom is gone; she was fantastic and we both miss her, so I’ve inserted Tom into my family. So we evolve with the people we care about. You can’t ever say, “That’s not a family,” or “This is not a family.” It’s like I said, the Cleavers are not our role model.

It starts with your parents. As you get older, you realize they’re only human, like the rest of us. You want them to love you and accept you, and they drive you crazy over certain things, but you can’t make them into other people. The relationship with your parents can be one of the hardest you have, but it evolves. Like, you get older and they actually seem to get younger.

Relationships with siblings are very strange, and after you’re no longer living together, you ask yourself, “Is he somebody I would want to know if I weren’t related to him?” If the answer is no, the answer is no. That’s okay; it happens. Just make sure you’re clear about why it’s true, why you’re tossing somebody away, or why you’re withholding, or why you’re jealous. You have to look at all these things.

With your siblings and your parents, you learn the importance of patience. It’s a skill you must develop for all your future relationships, and you’ll need it for your own kids, along with being thoughtful and kind.

Like I said, I had my daughter when I was young, and I loved her as soon as she came out. But that doesn’t mean there weren’t ups and downs in the relationship; it doesn’t mean there weren’t challenges.

My daughter got pregnant when she was just sixteen. While I wasn’t thrilled about it at the time, we did have a close enough relationship that she could call me up and tell me and know I wasn’t going to hit the roof. So she
and her husband got married very early. And since then, they have divorced and married each other three times. That’s love. It took them all this time to recognize that “It is you; you are the person I want to be with,” and in order to get to that point, they had to grow up and grow apart and grow up and grow apart.

First of all, their kids were thrilled they got back together. Second, I was thrilled, because I knew that they really needed to be together. They didn’t know that at first, so they had to work it out on their own, growing and evolving as individuals and continuing to come back to each other.

It took her a little while, but she got to it. So did the dad. I’m very happy for them.

So, I like my family. They are very, very nice people.

I mentioned how my mother was tough, but she taught me a tremendous amount. She understood me, she knew who I was, and she was able to advise me. My brother was also always supportive of me and helped me develop the ability to become who I became.

My daughter had her first child very young, but she’s raised three insanely personable people. And now there’s this new great-grandbaby who is very bizarre, but that’s a whole new book. This girl knew how to work an iPad before she could talk or walk. My great-granddaughter can swipe with her little finger. It’s wild.

But those relationships—you know, mothers and
daughters have weird relationships. Fathers and daughters have weird relationships. It just goes with the territory. Mothers in particular think, “I have to protect the children. I’ve got to keep the children happy before I make myself happy.” Or “How does a man or anybody else fit into this picture of my family?”

You got kids, your first priority is your kids, period. If you’re single, it might be a couple of years before you bring anybody home. As I mentioned, if you have single friends, you can arrange a hit-and-run. But realistically, those children are your life right there. Once you commit to a kid, that’s your primary connection. You may have your husband or your wife, and that’s great, but that child creates a whole different set of circumstances for you whether you are married or not. Other people that you bring into the picture have to figure that out, and know where they fit into the picture. You are not looking for a supplemental daddy or a fake daddy or whatever.

Meanwhile, your love life is not your kids’ problem. They are just trying to be kids. They just want you to love them and they want to feel safe. If you’re raising your kids, and guys are coming in and out, or women are coming in and out, it’s not good for you. Forget the kids—the kids aren’t going to give a shit, really. It’s really about how you see you. You probably don’t want an array of people coming in and out, because it makes you feel like you’re unstable. Every night a different guy. It’s like
“I’m not comfortable enough to go out and do this, so I have to bring them to my house. Then what is it doing to my kids, is it endangering them?” That’s all your own shit, whether you’re a male parent or a female parent, that’s the stuff that’s in your head.

So you are better off focusing on what your body and heart are telling you, which is take care of your kids. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a love life, it’s just that the love life is not your priority. It can’t come before the kids.

On the other hand, when you are dating someone who has kids, you’re never going to be number one in that person’s life. Not ever. I say this even though it may seem obvious, because I’ve seen so many people who meet somebody and say, “He has kids and isn’t that great,” and blah, blah, blah. They think that because a man is a father that he is more mature, more responsible, and there is something about his having kids that is a big turn-on. In the beginning, maybe. But as time goes on, they are like, “Why is he taking the family on vacation again?” “Why is he always with them?” “He does whatever his kids ask him to do,” and “What about me?”

People don’t realize what they are saying when they say these things. They don’t realize they are saying, “Why are you not ignoring your children who don’t live with you and taking care of me instead?”

But, honey, you are
never
going to be a replacement for his kids. Even if he has them only every other weekend.
Even though his ex is a bitch who tries to make his life miserable. To think otherwise is to be deeply misguided.

That’s why I’m writing this book. Too often when we get involved with someone we forget common sense. If someone has children, he may love you, he may want to spend as much time with you as possible, but you’re not going to be number one, because as every parent knows, even those who are still with their husband or their wife, when it comes to kids, the kids always come first. Everything else is secondary.

I just want people to have a better time in their relationships. And when it comes to parenting, one of the biggest mistakes most parents make is pretending that they weren’t kids and didn’t do the same exact shit as their kids are doing. Parents don’t forget. They remember. There’s a lot of stuff that parents do forget, that grown-ups do forget, but 90 percent of the time it’s not their youth. They remember the music they were listening to. They remember what they were wearing. They remember what was considered rebellious behavior.

When it comes to relationships with your own parents, it’s just a cycle. You go through certain things. Then your kids go through it. Then you deny you went through it. Then your mother says to you, “You went through this, too.” You deny it again. Then they show you the proof,
and everybody is happy. So be up front and don’t pretend to be somebody you’re not.

My God, I wore a skirt that you had to wear underwear with, especially if you had your period, because otherwise you could see the tampon string—that’s how short the skirt was. So when I see these boys walking around with their pants hanging down with the cracks of their asses showing, I can’t bitch at them. I hear all kinds of adults say, “Why don’t these kids just pull up their pants?” but I remember you in your poufy rabbit jacket and your afro puffs and your big stacked shoes. You were out doing the same thing, and your parents were saying the exact same shit to you that you’re saying to your kid.

Remember that, because it’s important. You want a relationship with your kids, tell them the truth that they can take.

For example, if you were a Plaster Caster, be honest about it with your kids. When I was younger, rock-and-roll bands would go play the Fillmore East or Fillmore West, and there was this group called the Plaster Casters, who would make plaster molds of rock stars’ penises. Those women are now in their sixties, seventies, maybe even eighties, and they have whole shelves at home filled with these penis molds. If you are too young to know about this, you might think I am making it up. But I’m not. This is the kind of stuff people did back then. It’s
not what I particularly did, but it’s what was going on around me at the time.

We had sex as soon as the Pill came out, because you could have sex anywhere, and no one was going to come and get you. If you got pregnant in the old days, before the Pill and the sexual revolution, they made you disappear. One day the girl would be in school, and the next day she would be gone; she would be in the “home for wayward girls,” hidden away so no one would know she was pregnant. But, baby, when that Pill hit, people were having sex with all kinds of people at all kinds of times.

So if you were having sex, figure that your kids may be interested in having sex, too. It’s not this thing that doesn’t happen. Denial doesn’t make it go away. They are having it younger and younger, so conversations must be had.

If you were a Plaster Caster, you’ve got to say, “Listen, I get it. I tried to bone every rock-and-roll star I could find.” I guarantee you the first thing that will happen is your kids’ eyeballs will pop out, because they don’t think of you as having ever been a youth. But you have to remind them that you get it, and that’s why you’re trying to help them. Some things they are not going to listen to, but when it comes to sex, you’ve got to try talking about it with your kids.

Some people take this to mean that they should be
friends with their kids. But that’s not what I’m saying. Relationships between parents and children are funny. I don’t know any tween or preteen who ever wanted her parents to be friends with her. Ever. That’s the first bid for independence that kids exhibit. They’re saying, “I’m over here with my friends. You feed me, I get that. I live here with you. But they know stuff. You don’t know shit. I’m hanging with them.” And that’s as it should be, because that’s how children learn to socialize. You can be friendly, and you can be honest and advise them, but you’re not their friend. You have to be the hard-ass. It’s part of the job. If you’re going to have kids, you’ve got to be the one who says, “I don’t care what Bobby’s parents said; you’re not doing that.” You have to accept that they are not going to like it, or you. But your parents survived it, and you will, too.

And you’re not going to like all their friends. You’re allowed to say, “I’m not sure about this person.” You’re allowed to say, “I would like to know his parents.” Obviously you love your children, and you may even like them and want them to like you, but you have to be the voice of wisdom and authority. So, you’re allowed to say, “I want to go see where you’re going.” And “If you don’t call me, to let me know you’re still alive, you’ll never see your phone again.” And you’re allowed to take the phone away from them. You’re allowed to say, “Hey, we’re all eating together; nobody has a phone at the table.” But then
you have to put down your phone, too. Kids learn from watching what you do. You show them how to respond to people, and you show them how to talk to and about people, by your example.

Let me leave you with this:

If you don’t want to raise an asshole, don’t be one.