If They Give You Lined Paper, Write Sideways (18 page)

Daniel
. That's all.

Elaine
. Why golfers?

Daniel
. The organization was founded in 1997. As of today they've raised more than seven million
dollars for cancer research.

Elaine
. But why
golfers
?

Daniel
. Are you asking
me
?

Elaine
. No, not really. It's just my first question. Wasn't it yours?

Daniel
. I'm afraid I don't remember. It may have been. If you see something there to explore, explore it.

Elaine
. Do you know what motivated the thing?

Daniel
. I believe it was founded in support of a golf pro with cancer. I don't know the details.

Elaine
[
after thinking for a time
]. Would it be different if it were dentists against cancer, or hairdressers?
Of course it would.

Daniel
says nothing.

Elaine
. I guess there's nothing really there in that line of questioning, beyond the obvious.

Daniel
says nothing.

Elaine
. Golfers Against Cancer. As if it were an issue, like abortion or capital punishment. As if there might be another organization, Golfers
For
Cancer... I guess the expected reaction to this initiative is supposed to be "Hooray for golfers!" But
everyone's
against cancer, aren't they? It makes you wonder why film stars, lawyers, baseball players, prizefighters, and tennis pros haven't also come together
against cancer. What are they waiting for?

Daniel
says nothing.

Elaine
. I'm really floundering here.

Daniel
. Don't be so hard on yourself. You've only had it for a minute.

Elaine
. Lord... Golfers Against Cancer...

Daniel
. What should you be doing now?

Elaine
. Pulling back. Trying to get a wider view.

Daniel
. Right.

Elaine
[
sighing
]. Golfers Against Cancer... Why not Parkinson's or muscular dystrophy?

Daniel
says nothing.

Elaine
[
after thinking it over
]. There's nothing in that... I think I should take a walk. I just feel too much pressure with you sitting here waiting for me to come up with something.

Daniel
. Yes, that's probably a good idea.

Elaine
[
about an hour later
]. Can I use your computer to do some research?

Daniel
. Of course.

Elaine
. I may need to make some notes.

Daniel
. Grab a sheet from my printer.

Elaine
[
three-quarters of an hour later
]. I have no idea where this will go.

Daniel
. That's how it works. You pick a starting point and see where it goes.

Elaine
. It started with my question about Parkinson's and muscular dystrophy. Or maybe it didn't. I don't know...

Daniel
. Go ahead.

Elaine
. What I wondered was this: What would these golfers say if I asked them if God is against
cancer. My guess is that they'd say yes. What do you think?

Daniel
. You can figure that out.

Elaine
[
sighing
]. Well, people in general — or believers in general — certainly pray to God to cure them of illnesses. This means...

Daniel
[
after a minute
]. Yes?

Elaine
. This means there's an assumption of sidedness. Believers have to assume that God is against cancer.

Daniel
. Okay.

Elaine
. If the answer is yes, God's against cancer, I'd next ask if he's also against plague, AIDS, HIV, anthrax, polio, rabies, measles, and all the thousands of other diseases we suffer from.

Daniel
. Smallpox, tetanus, pneumonia, scarlet fever, typhoid fever.

Elaine
. Yes. I've got all those and dozens more [
referring to a list she's holding
]. Anthrax, meningitis, cowpox, croup, botulism, Lyme disease, brucellosis, yellow fever, ebola hemorrhagic fever, cholera,
necrotizing fasciitis — that's the "flesh-eating disease" that's so much fun — dysentery, tuberculosis, mononucleosis, diphtheria, mumps, glanders, influenza, leprosy, herpes, Legionnaire's disease,
gonorrhea, leptospirosis, hepatitis, listeriosis, peritonitis, and on and on. Okay. Now what causes all
these diseases? Viruses, bacteria, and fungi. I think that's it.

Daniel
. It is, as far as I know.

Elaine
. Anyway... If God is against all these diseases, then he must surely be against all the fungi, bacteria, and viruses that cause them.

Daniel
. That makes sense.

Elaine
. And if he's against these fungi, bacteria, and viruses, then it seems logical that he has to be against all the creatures that can injure or kill us with a bite or a sting — black widow spiders, scorpions, mosquitoes, tarantulas...

Daniel
. Bees, wasps, brown recluse spiders...

Elaine
. Rattlesnakes, coral snakes, copperheads, cottonmouths, cobras...

Daniel
. Green mambas, bushmasters, pythons, puff adders...

Elaine
. Barracudas, sharks...

Daniel
. Jellyfish, stingrays. Not to mention lions, tigers, grizzly bears, and wolves.

Elaine
. Right. And then there are all the parasites and plants that are deadly or harmful to us. [
Reading
from her list
] Roundworms, pinworms, hookworms, flukes, tapeworms, whipworms, poison ivy,
acanthamoebae, monkshood, bird's-foot trefoil, black locust, death angel mushrooms, celandine, death
camas, devil's trumpet, dogbane, henbane, Dutchman's-breeches, foxglove, laburnum, ragworts,
mayapple, moonseed, deadly nightshade, oleander, poison hemlock, poison oak, poison sumac,
pokeweed, rosary pea, skunk cabbage, purple vetch, cowbane, white snakeroot...

Daniel
. You really went to town on those.

Elaine
[
laughs
]. Okay... This is where I've got to. I said I wasn't sure where this was going, and I'm still not.

Daniel
. It seems like you're building to some sort of conclusion.

Elaine
. Conclusion?

Daniel
. About God.

Elaine
. Oh yes, of course. Since all these creatures continue to thrive, either God is
not
against them or he's extremely ineffectual in getting his way.

Daniel
. So it would seem.

Elaine
. But does this have anything to do with golfers being against cancer?

Daniel
. It seems highly relevant to me. Relevant to the thinking behind it, which is what an
anthropologist is interested in.

Elaine
. Okay.

Daniel
. But I don't think you've carried this as far as it'll go.

Elaine
. I was afraid you'd say that.

Daniel
. You've reached the middle of a profound subject.

Elaine
. Which you're not going to name.

Daniel
. Well, I'd rather not.

Elaine
[
after a minute
]. I don't think it could be called the problem of evil.

Daniel
. Maybe not, though it's certainly related to the problem of evil.

Elaine
[
after some thought
]. Disappointment with God... I guess I thought of that because my roommate was reading a book with that title.

Daniel
. You didn't read it yourself?

Elaine
. No...

Daniel
. Okay. Disappointment with God.

Elaine
. "Why did God let my loved one die of ______?"

Daniel
. Uh-huh. And what's the answer?

Elaine
. There's more than one. "God's knowledge is superior to ours. You assume that what was best for your loved one was to go on living, but you can't know that. God does. Though you naturally can't think
such a thing, it's entirely possible that your loved one was spared an even worse fate — and we all know
there are fates worse than death."

Daniel
. True.

Elaine
. Here's another: "The death of your loved one has made you doubt God. Perhaps this is exactly the point. God is testing your faith. God tests all of us at some point in our lives, and some receive
harder tests than others. Receiving a hard test is not a mark of God's disfavor but rather the opposite. It is, after all, the champions who are given the hardest tests — to swim faster, jump higher, run farther. By giving you this hardest of tests, God is giving you an opportunity to become a champion of faith."

Daniel
. I spoke earlier of lined paper. What you're doing is providing the lines on the sheet titled
"Disappointment with God."

Elaine
. I'm not sure what you mean by "providing the lines."

Daniel
. Providing the answers that go on the lines.

Elaine
. I see, yes.

Daniel
. There are assumptions you need to be looking at for these answers.

Elaine
. God... I'm sure there are dozens.

Daniel
. You want to break here for lunch to think about it? It's been a long morning.

Elaine
. Yes, it has been.

Daniel
. So. You've supplied two lines on the sheet of paper headed "Why did God let my loved one die?" Now we're looking for things beneath the surface of the paper.

Elaine
. There are two obvious assumptions: "God exists" and "God is good."

Daniel
. Yes, those are the basics. There are other assumptions that aren't so easily seen. Can you bring them up and make them visible?

Elaine
. I think so — at least some of them. "God is aware of everything that happens on earth." If this weren't so, he couldn't be held accountable for the loved one's death.

Daniel
. That makes sense.

Elaine
. And "God knows what causes us pain."

Daniel
. Uh-huh.

Elaine
. "God has a special care for us and invites us to invoke this special care when we're in trouble."

Daniel
. Certainly.

Elaine
. Here's where things start to get sticky. "Because God has a special care for us, he's ready to help us — to take our side — if we're attacked by a lion, a shark, a spider, a bacterium, a fungus, or a virus."

Daniel
. Uh-huh.

Elaine
. "He was aware that my loved one was being attacked, but ignored my pleas for help and
declined to take my loved one's side against the attacker. He let me down, and so I have good reason to
be disappointed in him."

Daniel
. Yes, this is where things get sticky. So what do you do?

Elaine
. I'm not sure what you mean.

Daniel
. This is where you turn the paper around and write sideways against the lines provided.

Elaine
. Hmm.

Daniel
. What's written on the lines so far assumes that God has a special care for us and is "on our side"
against all the thousands of species of life that can harm us. What do you write if you turn the paper
sideways?

Elaine
. Oh, I see. I think. Instead of supposing that he has a special care for us and is on our side against all others, we can suppose that he has a care for all living things and is not on any side.

Daniel
. Which in fact appears to be the case, since sometimes "they" win and sometimes "we" win.

Elaine
. Okay. And this brings to mind something you pointed out in
Ishmael
: Everything that happens in the living community is good for one but evil for another — and it can't be otherwise. If an owl snatches
a mouse, then this is good for the owl but evil for the mouse. If the owl fails to snatch the mouse, then
this is good for the mouse but evil for the owl.

Daniel
. If there is a God, and he cares for everything that lives, then it would be absurd for him to be on the mouse's side or the owl's side.

Elaine
. Exactly.

Daniel
. See if you can carry on from here.

Elaine
[
after a few minutes of thought
]. On the basis of observation alone, it seems unnecessary to imagine that every contest for life is decided by divine intervention. If the mouse is in the wrong place at the wrong time, the owl's going to win. If the mouse is alert and swift, and can reach shelter in time,
then the mouse is going to win.

Daniel
. Yes.

Elaine
. During a flu epidemic, the virus is going to win in some cases and lose in others. Again, it seems stupid to imagine that each contest is decided by God. If the infected person is old and weak, the virus is probably going to win — but not always. If the infected person is young and healthy, the virus is
probably going to lose — but not always.

Daniel
[
after a minute, when she doesn't continue
]. Well done. You've just explained why I'm never disappointed with the gods that I prefer to people the universe with. I never expect them to take my side
against others. If I come down with pneumonia, I don't expect the gods to take my side against the virus
or bacterium that is pursuing its life in my body. If I travel to Indonesia, I don't expect the gods to strike dead a mosquito that is about to dine on my neck — and incidentally give me a case of malaria. If a
mountain lion attacks me in the Andes, I don't expect the gods to help me kill it. If I'm swimming off the coast of Florida, I don't expect the gods to shoo away the sharks.